Magic, and Mayhem, and Murder? Oh my
by Virtus Invicta
Summary: As seen on FimFiction. Shawn Spencer, fake psychic detective, faces a challenge unlike any before. One that will test his mind, his sanity, and his adaptability as he is thrust into the midst of an unfamiliar world and the ponies who populate it.
1. Prologue

**Tap Tap Tap Tap**

Rapid footsteps echoed down the long, white hallways of the underground complex. The air was dry... processed... And a constant hum vibrated through the very bones of the runners.

"Stop..." **Wheeze**"...you debutante!"

"I think..." **Pant**"...you mean..." **Gasp**"...delinquent, Shawn!"

"I've heard it..." **Gasp**"...both..." **Wheeze**"...ways!"

Gus struggled to keep up with his friend, both having exhausted themselves in the initial sprint. A shadowy, trench-coated figure dashed ahead, occasionally stopping to swipe a card through the lock of one of the many metal doors that dotted the hallway. The woefully out of shape pair had been chasing the suspect for what seemed like hours (though, in reality, it had only been a few minutes). To Shawn, whoever they were chasing looked to be getting increasingly frustrated with the twists and turns of the massive underground complex. Each attempt at a new door grew more desperate.

In fact, Shawn was starting to suspect "The Shadow", as he'd taken to calling the figure in his head, was hopelessly lost. This would be more encouraging if Shawn himself had absolutely any idea of where they were. Eventually, one of the doors gave a distinct click and The Shadow shouted a triumphant "Hah!" as it burst into the room beyond, out of sight.

"Come on..." **Wheeze**"...Gus! We've got him now!" Gus only groaned in response, having fallen to the floor face-first about 5 yards back.

"You..." **Pant**"…wuss." Shawn stumbled, the trembling in his legs forcing him to use the wall for support as he made his way toward the door.

Relieved to find it still unlocked, he stopped with his hand on the handle. Everything about this case had smelled fishy from the get-go. He thought back, his eidetic memory providing a series of images of the events that led to this moment...

**FLASH**

A woman in a lab coat, who introduced herself as Vanessa, standing in his office, speaking excitedly in technobabble. Phrases like "Quantum tunneling" and "Multi-verse theory" had roused his inner sci-fi nerd, but elicited no actual hidden knowledge or recognition on his part. Gus had looked excited, at least... though more so at finding a hot geek in their office than by the science talk. Her speech had culminated in the words: "…a historical discovery that will challenge our perception of the universe as a species!"

**FLASH**

The suddenly fearful look in her eyes as she recounted a dangerous encounter with The Shadow, whom she'd found rifling through her office desk. It had threatened her life, demanding her key-card, before vanishing into the hallway when her intercom buzzed. A threat both the police and the government organization running the project had ignored after failing to find any evidence of The Shadow's intrusion. It didn't help that she could give no real description of her attacker. Nor that she had a history of presenting with various psychoses under high levels of stress.

**FLASH**

Going to his father for help in reopening the case and being immediately forbidden from trying to sneak into a top-secret government facility.

**FLASH**

Shawn and a reluctant Gus sneaking into the top-secret government facility after-hours, having "borrowed" I.D's and keycards from a pair of unsuspecting project engineers.

**FLASH**

Shawn and a terrified Gus sharing an awkward moment with the infamous Shadow itself after accidentally bursting into the office it had just finished ransacking.

**FLASH**

The duo chasing a frantic Shadow as it sped through the halls, clearly in much better shape than either of them.

Back in the present, Shawn's eyebrows furrowed. No pertinent details had jumped out at him. Only questions: How had the figure managed to get in both times without a key-card? For that matter, it clearly existed... So how could there have been no video or physical evidence whatsoever of its previous incursion deep into the supposedly secure facility? He was pretty good at telling when people were lying, and he hadn't thought Vanessa was. Now he knew for sure.

On second thought, one thing had seemed strange. He had assumed this whole time that The Shadow was wearing a ski mask, but the one time he'd gotten a clear look at... Him? Her? It?... It had looked more like its head was composed of living shadow, translucent in the bright, artificial lighting of the office.

He shuddered and his grip on the door handle faltered. Looking back at Gus, who was mumbling incoherently into the floor, Shawn briefly considered waiting for his friend to recover.

_No_. He thought to himself. _There's no such thing as ghosts... But there are such things as terrorists... And bombs..._His grip faltered again. _Come on, Shawn! Get it together! You're a man! You ain't 'fraid of no ghost!_

The hallway suddenly lit red as a deafening orchestra of klaxons broke the stalemate. Shawn, startled, burst through the door.

"AAAAAAAaaaaaaahhhh... Oh." His girly scream dropped in pitch and volume then faded to stunned silence as his mind struggled to catch up with what his eyes were seeing.

A gigantic... machine... took up most of the space in the even more gigantic room. Thick, industrial cables carrying untold power and data covered the floor beneath the metal catwalk Shawn stood on. And, if a shadow could be said to look incredulous, the one standing under the machine at the end of the walkway was doing a good job of it.

_This isn't happening..._

Shawn, however, could only stare in awe at the fierce ball of raw energy that writhed and pulsed at the very center of a raised platform. The air around it was so heavily distorted that it looked... **wrong**... somehow. As if it had more than three dimensions. It hurt his head just to look directly at it.

_This isn't happening... This isn't happening..._

His gaze shifted to The Shadow, arms outstretched towards the energy ball with electricity arcing between them. The trench-coat had been burned off, revealing a vaguely humanoid, very transparent shape. It turned to him and a feminine voice rose up from its center.

"_**Grrrraaahh! Why dost thou persist on hounding me, fool! Hast thou no regard for thine own life!**_"

Shawn's jaw dropped.

_THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! GFRARGLEBLARGH..._

The logical part of his brain degenerated into a gibbering mess before shutting down altogether, allowing his snark run of the show.

"Fool! Wha...Well... Y-Your face is a fool!" _Nice, Shawn... Quick, say something witty to distract it from the fact that you sound like an idiot!_

"And I don't see what McGruff has to do with any of this!" _Dammit..._

The Shadow stared at him, requiring three false starts before speaking, "_**Of all the inane... Who dost thou think thou art!**_"

"Shawn Spencer, psychic detective! And I'm here to take a bite outta crime!" _Stop! Just... Please, stop!_

His brain finally rebooted and he gasped, "Wait! That's why you didn't show up in any of the security footage! You're a ghost!" He paused, "Or maybe an alien... Alien ghost? W-What are you, exactly?"

The Shadow seemed to grin, which was really disconcerting since it didn't have a face, "_**I am many things to many beings. But most know me simply as... The Nightmare.**_"

"Nightmare? Really? Dude, 'The Shadow' is a much cooler supervillain name. Wait... Did you just seriously pause for dramatic eff-" Shawn's scoffing was cut short as the ball of energy's pulsing gained speed. It was **LOUD**, each thump resounding deep within his chest. It lost its spherical shape, becoming a violently shifting amorphous mass.

Shawn was on his knees, hands pressed against his ears in a vain attempt to block out the noise that filled his head. Then, as suddenly as it lost it, the energy regained its shape and shrank to a small dot.

Silence reigned for one brief, blissful moment.

"-ect?"

An explosion of light and noise overtook him and he felt himself falling... falling... falling... He heard an ominous, cackling laughter echoing through infinity. Then... Darkness.

The security detail that reached the room minutes later found only an unconscious Gus in the hallway and an empty room with a perfectly smooth, half-sphere shaped crater at its center.


	2. Where The Cute Things Are

Birds chirping.

Water babbling over a brook.

The swish of trees swaying with the morning breeze.

Shawn had never once regretted his decision to buy that "Sounds of Nature" alarm app for his phone. Ever since he had, he always woke up refreshed and ready to face the day. As usual, he decided to wait and listen to the soothing melodies for a few more minutes before getting out of bed.

A rooster crowing in the distance.

The scurrying footsteps of curious little critters. _Huh, that's new..._

The dewy grass tickling the back of his neck. _Wait..._

He bolted upright with a shout, scattering a small family of chipmunks that had been investigating the strange creature sleeping on the entrance to their burrow in the middle of a field. To their credit, they didn't scurry very far from his violent awakening before turning to scrutinize him with impatient stares.

Shawn, on the other hand, was beginning to hyperventilate as the confusion of waking from a deep sleep wore off and recent memories flooded back. He remembered The Sha- no, The Nightmare. Lots of light and noise, as if from an explosion...

"Gus..." He stood, truly beginning to panic, "GUUUUS!" Had the explosion totally annihilated the complex, killing his best friend? No, Shawn wouldn't have survived that either. Had it flung him out of the building and into the wilderness?

_No way... Besides, I'm not even in a fridge. Or a desert._Someone must have dumped him in the woods while he was unconscious... again. The Nightmare, perhaps?

He patted himself down, feeling only a few scratches and bruises, as well as a wicked sunburn on the left side of his face. His jeans were ripped and his favorite green polo had a hole burnt into the left side. At least his sneakers had made it through relatively unscathed. Walking home barefoot would have been unpleasant.

"What the hell happened?" He muttered. The sound of his own voice helped calm him as he paced. This wasn't the first time he'd woken up in a strange place in the middle of a case. First time an alien ghost was to blame, though.

_Ok, Shawn. Do what dad taught you: Calm down... Check. Take inventory... Check. Observe your surroundings..._He took a deep breath and looked around.

He appeared to be in a field, littered with debris that looked like it had come from... whatever that machine had been. To his left was a line of very ominous trees. To his right-

"What..."

Flatlands, as far as the eye could see, interrupted only by the occasional shrub. Not a cloud in the sky. What truly caught his attention, however, was how... picturesque everything was. Had the grass not been waving in the breeze he would have sworn he was looking at a painting. Everything just looked so perfect. Too perfect.

"Ooooook... That's a little creepy." Still, a second look at the dark tree line convinced him it was the far better option.

He checked his pockets and breathed a sigh of relief to find his phone and wallet still there. However, relief quickly became annoyance at seeing a total lack of bars on the top left corner of his phone. _Figures_.

Annoyance turned to mild concern when his GPS completely failed to discern his location. And mild concern evolved into outright panic when a closer look revealed a lack of GPS signal altogether._Is my phone busted_? He smacked it a couple of times against his hand to no avail. _Well, it's not like the satellites disappeared. That explosion must have shaken something loose._ He noted that the time read 2:30 AM, and looked up at the sun, which was nearly directly overhead. _Yup... busted._

The deduction left him unsatisfied, but it was the best he could come up with. He wished Gus was there, sure that his friend would chime in with some obscure bit of normally useless knowledge that would help in some strangely coincidental fashion. Or at least lighten the mood.

Shawn put the phone away and looked around one last time before letting out a shrug. Flipping a mental coin to pick a direction, he started walking (to the relief of the chipmunk family he'd displaced), keeping the tree line in sight and to his right. He didn't really want to stay near the forest, but he was sure he'd be going in circles within minutes of walking out into those featureless flatlands without a working GPS. As he walked, he started thinking back on everything that happened, but nothing new popped out at him. It was frustrating. Being able to remember tiny details of everything he saw was only helpful if he could fit them together into something that made sense. But none of this was making any sense. Eventually, his thoughts came back to The Nightmare. It... She?... Had obviously caused that explosion on purpose, but she had said nothing that gave him any clues as to_why_she'd done it.

After over an hour of walking, Shawn finally caught a break. He almost missed it, having been so deep in thought, but there was definitely a thin trail of smoke rising from behind a hill almost straight ahead. And... "Is that a road?" He whooped and ran forward. It wasn't so much a road as a beaten path. Still, those were definitely hoof-prints in that mud. And where there were horses and smoke, there would be people. _Hopefully, nice people. With food! And a landline! _He sniffed... _And a shower!_

Still laughing, he turned to follow the path away from the forest. Again, he found himself with time to think as he walked and a closer look revealed the hoof-prints looked a bit small for a horse. _Maybe a donkey?_ It would explain the lack of cart tracks._Donkeys usually carry stuff in saddle-bags, right? Might help if I knew anything about pack animals. Or tracks._

The thought was side-tracked as he came upon a series of fences and trees enclosing a yard and a chicken coop. Beyond them, on a hill, was a cottage. Well, the word cottage didn't really do it justice. It looked like the Swiss family Robinson had collaborated with a bunch of hobbits to build the most idyllic, fantastical, nature-friendly house possible for the set of an 80's kid's movie.

It rose out of the ground on wooden, soft-brown painted walls. From a bird's-eye view, the roof would have been indistinguishable from a tree-top, except for how perfectly cropped the whole thing was. Splashes of color gave life to the doors and windows, without detracting from the natural feel. He followed a little cobblestone path from the muddy road he'd been walking on to its doorstep.

"Huh... That's a funny door." It was split into a top and bottom half, each with a handle, the whole thing standing only a bit taller than his own 5'10. He hesitated, hand hovering over the wood as a half-formed thought nagged at the back of his mind._Meh... Whatever... I'm sure it'll come to me once I get something in my stomach._He knocked.

As the clop of heavy footsteps got closer, the thoughts that had been bothering him began to take the shape of questions. How had The Nightmare gotten him past security and out of the building? Why had she left him his cell-phone and wallet? Why hadn't there been a single human track on that path? _Wait... 'CLOP of heavy footsteps'!_

Before he could finish the thought the door opened to reveal a... tiny .. horse? It was a creamy yellow with a short muzzle only as high as his chest. Its pink mane didn't quite hide its large, overly expressive eyes, which it proceeded to open wide as it uttered a terrified squeaking noise._Are those wings? What were the winged horses from Greek mythology called? Pe-... Pega-..._

"DEMON DONKEY! AAAAAAAHHHHH!"

He screamed. The pegasus screamed. Both turned to run. Only, while the little yellow pegasus successfully reentered the cottage, Shawn managed to trip over his own feet. He saw cobblestone steps rushing to meet his face. _Oh shit, not agai-_Darkness.

Fluttershy bolted into her home, forgetting to even lock the front door behind her as she rushed into her bedroom and cowered beneath the bed.

This certainly wasn't the first time she'd ever been visited by a creature from the Everfree. Bears, wolves, and even a manticore or two occasionally dropped by. Most of them were directed there by Steve the river serpent when he found them suffering from one ailment or another. This was the first time, however, that a visitor had reacted (or looked) quite like that.

She noticed Angel at her side, clearly terrified but trying to comfort her anyway. The sight of her precious little bunny putting on a brave face for her did the trick, and she managed to stop shaking and calm herself.

"Oh, Angel..." She put a hoof around him and pulled the bunny close, "It's ok... I'm ok now... That poor little thing is probably more scared of us than we are of it." The irony of calling a creature almost a foot taller than her "little" never even crossed her mind. Instead, she thought back to its face as it had screamed that gibberish. The only thing she'd ever seen that looked even remotely like whatever was outside her house was a monkey... And this thing's face had certainly been more expressive.

In fact, its face had clearly been expressing terror. And, maybe confusion? Definitely terror, though. Guilt hit her as she crawled out from under the bed and floated back to her front door. Cracking the bottom half open, she peeked around it, looking for the... whatever it was. It took her a moment before she spotted it.

"Oh no!" She burst from the door, flitting to the inert creature, which had somehow managed to knock itself out on her steps. No pool of blood meant the injury probably wasn't serious, though a concussion was still possible. She breathed a sigh of relief, landed, and moved to flip it unto its back.

That's when she noticed it was wearing clothes.

"Oh..."

oOo

Birds chirping.

Water babbling over a brook.

The swish of trees swaying with the breeze.

Shawn's head was pounding. Had he gone drinking last night? He couldn't remember, which meant he probably had. At least he could be glad to wake up to the soothing sounds of nature. He had never once regretted his decision to buy... _Uhh... Wait..._

He started to bolt upright, but the resulting headache made him immediately regret the action. His eyes felt like they were glued shut, so he settled for exploring what he could with his hands._Ok... I'm in a bed this time. That can't be a bad sign._ Rubbing his eyes, and trying not to move around too much, he noticed something wrapped around his head. _A bandage? Who...?_

For the second time that day, memories began to flood back. Nightmare. Explosion. Field. Path. House. Demon Donkey.

"Oh, man..." Shawn groaned and finally got his eyes open. He could see that someone had been nice enough to draw the curtains. The soft candle-light was easy on his eyes, still sensitive from the blow to his head. Had the pegasus been imaginary? He wasn't sure anymore. Maybe a by-product of whatever concussion he'd gotten the first time he was knocked out that day. The cottage he'd seen was real, as he was clearly in it. He sat up, slowly this time, and took a look around. The bed was a bit short for him, though wide for its length. His phone and wallet sat on a night-stand near one of the lit candles.

He picked them up and took note of the rest of the room. What little furniture there was seemed to run on the small but sturdy side. He noted it was all beautifully crafted out of wood. "No chairs... huh..."

Getting to his feet, Shawn noticed the low ceiling, which hung only a foot from his head. He walked to the only door and opened it with a touch to reveal the rest of the cottage.

"Hello? Is someone home!" No answer.

It was the same general design in the living room… or whatever that common area just past the front door was called in a Robinson-Hobbit cottage. There was even a little wooden staircase with perches, bird houses, and other such paraphernalia spread throughout.

"Ok. So, whoever saved me's into animals. I can dig that." Shawn realized he was talking to himself... Probably suffering from Guster withdrawal, "Hope you're ok, buddy..." He needed to find a landline to make sure Gus wasn't hurt and check in with his dad. Juliet would probably rip him a new one for not calling sooner.

He found the kitchen, but no fridge or other modern appliances. The dining room had only a table, "Huh... Still no chairs?" And there was no phone to be found anywhere, "This is getting weird. Did I end up in an Amish village?" That was going to cause some issues, though it seemed more likely the more he explored.

A skittering noise made him turn faster than he should have, setting his head to pounding again. Shawn held on to the table for support until the dizziness passed, then looked around. It took a few moments before he spotted the little white fuzzball in the middle of the room. A tiny little rabbit stared back, twitchy-nosed and trembling with its little ears down flat against its head, eyes wide and gleaming.

"D'aaaawwww. Aren't you the cutest widdle bunny I ever saw?" He glanced around, glad that Guster wasn't there to see that. "Ah, who am I kidding... That chocolate bear would melt at the first sight this little guy!" Smiling widely, he walked over and knelt, cooing and using baby-speak the whole time. As he got closer, its eyes only seemed to get wider and gleamier.

Shawn reached out a hand to pet it, heart melting, when the little rabbit's eyes suddenly narrowed, "Uhh..." He barely choked out before a razor sharp set of carrot-chompers came down on his hand.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! DEMON BUNNY!" He jumped and fell backwards over the dining room table, upending it and sending the rabbit flying across the room and onto the couch. It sat up, shook its head and glared daggers at Shawn, who was now crouched behind the table, using it as an impromptu shield and trying not to throw up from the pain of hitting his head again. It was between him and the front door…

"Back! Back, you vicious little monster!" He frantically looked around for a window to escape through, only now realizing that they were all too small and framed in very sturdy looking wood, "I thought rabbits were herbivores!"

The rabbit jumped off the couch and charged again, causing Shawn to let out his least manly scream yet and make a mad dash for the door. He jumped over the rabbit, who slipped while trying to snap at his leg and ran face-first into the wall.

Laughing triumphantly, Shawn slammed the door open and sprinted outside... Straight into a very confused group of six colorful ponies. Even in his panicked state, his eye for detail took note of the horns and sets of wings. The sight of the miniaturized mythical creatures, however, was too much for his mind to fully appreciate in its current ragged state. Then he recalled what happened with the innocent-looking bunny only moments before.

"OH GOD, MORE DEMON DONKIES!" He screamed and made a bee-line for the roadway, while a purple one babbled at him in a strange series of chirps and squeaks. The disarming sweetness of its voice almost gave him pause. He swore he could taste sugar just from the sound of it. _Still,_ he thought, _these things are a lot bigger than that rabbit. Probably bite harder too._

His worst fears were confirmed as a light blue one with wings and... _Is that mane rainbow colored!_... flew straight at him. Fast. Scary fast. Shawn barely made it five feet before the blue blur slammed into his back and pinned him face-down on the grass. He wheezed from the weight, until it suddenly seemed to realize it was crushing him and stepped off. Shawn slowly flipped unto his back, gasping and defeated.

"Ok..." **Pant**"...you win! Just... Please, make it quick..." The others began chirping wildly at the blue one as they moved to catch up and it looked at him with what he swore was guilt in its eyes. Then the purple one was up front, horn lowered at him and glowing as the inside of his head started to itch. _That can't be healthy... maybe I really DO have a concussion._

"You know..." Shawn felt strangely calm in the face of death. So much so that he finally managed to sit up and take a closer look at them, "If you guys weren't about to kill me, I'd say you're pretty cute for bunch of flesh-eating demon donkies..." The purple unicorn stopped and stared at him, looking confused.

"Ummm... Thanks? I guess?"

_WHAT_

"Did that thang jus' call us donkies, Twi?"

"Actually, Applejack, darling, I believe it called you a demon donkie."

"ME!"

"Well, it couldn't very well be referring to me, could it? I'm far too fashionable to be demonic."

"Rarity… one o' these days, Ah swear..."

_THE_

"Ooooo, ooooo! I know, I know! It must've meant Rainbow Dash, cause she's a **speed demon**! And she knocked it over trying to say hi! You don't need to knock ponies over to say hi, silly! **HI!** See! But you do need to throw them a party! **OH!**I know! We'll have a party! Do you like cupcakes! I bet you like cupcakes! Everyone likes cupcakes!"

"Pinkie Pie, you are so random."

_FUCK_

"Wait, girls! I think it's trying to say something!" Shawn's jaw hung slackly from his face, the logical part of his mind having ditched him for the second time that day. _Traitor._

"Um... Twilight... Sorry, but... I-I think it might still be hurt... Maybe we should take it inside... You know... If you think that might be best, I guess..."

Vision swimming, head pounding, mind blank, Shawn couldn't help but giggle, "It's a dream... It's aaaaaall a dreeeeeam..." The sky was rushing away from him, then... Darkness.

"O-Oh, my…"


	3. A Brief History of the Multiverse

_What..._

Shawn felt nothing but, somehow, he knew he was floating.

Shawn could see nothing, yet he recognized the vastness of the fathomless **nothing **before him.

And Shawn could hear nothing above the immense, yet subtle, buzzing that pervaded the whole nonsensical place.

_**Static and Darkness...**_

Had that been his own thought? He wasn't sure... it didn't sound like him. Far too melodramatic.

_**For ONE THOUSAND YEARS, this was our EXISTENCE!**_

The voice came from all around him, smooth and feminine, yet dripping with barely restrained malice. It reminded him of Yang, but even more crazy, if that was possible.

_Who are you?_

_**Thou knowest VERY well to whom thou speak.**_

Shawn rolled his metaphorical eyes, suddenly very aware that he had no body.

_Is this a dream? Because if it is, I'd like to skip to the part where I'm naked in a bathtub full of kit-kats and playgirls._

_**Such arrogance... What makest thou think that we would deign to soil ourselves by coming into contact with thine filthy mind?**_

This was definitely The Nighmare. Shawn had never met anyone else who spoke like that. More worryingly, though... If this wasn't a dream, what the hell was going on? On second thought, it was probably not worth dwelling on.

_Hey, listen Shakespeare, if you're not going to give me my kit-kat bath then can you at least speak so I don't need to read the other side of the page to figure out what you said?_

_**INSOLENCE! THOU ART-**_

_I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS, DEEDLEDEEDEE, THEY'RE LINED UP SO NEATLY IN A ROOOOOW. SMALL ONES, BI-_

The voice stopped, palpably incredulous, and a sigh of resignation reverberated through the non-space that surrounded him.

_**Fine. But on the condition that you stop acting like a child.**_

_Hey! I am NOT act-_

_**ENOUGH**_

The violence and strength of the word shook everything, so that even the buzzing receded, if only for a moment.

_-ing._This time, The Nightmare ignored him and continued.

_**I know not how you followed me into this world, little human. However, know this: I suffered in the oblivion you now experience for a THOUSAND YEARS. It stripped my mind of everything but vengeance... and when I FINALLY burst free from its hold, I barely tasted the sweetness of my own world but for a mere MOMENT before I was violently THRUST INTO YOURS!**_

Maybe it was the nature of the place, or maybe it was the sheer presence of the being that communicated with him, but The Nightmare's emotions were palpable. Shawn felt like sandpaper made of hatred was being shoved down his throat.

_Ok, I get it. You're very angry and very crazy..._ He paused, wryly noting that he was holding a conversation with a voice in his head, _What do you want from me?_

_**Want?**_ The Nightmare laughed and contempt washed over him like acid rain, _**There is NOTHING I seek from you. You are a bug, beneath my notice and easily crushed. However, your presence on this world will change things... Things that are vital to my VENGEANCE.**_The desire in that final word seethed and burned in his center.

_Fine, I'll make a mental note to not mess up your plans. Are you done with the supervillain monologue? I'd like to wake up now._The emotions were becoming stronger, more painful.

The Nightmare smiled. Again, it was very disconcerting that he knew that in spite of a distinct lack of face on her part... Or eyes on his, _**You will not remember any of this upon your awakening. All that you will remember... All that you NEED to remember is this:**_

Shawn braced himself.

_**CROSS ME AND DIE!**_Rage struck him like a sledgehammer, battering away his meager defenses and sending him reeling into nothingness, the final word echoing through the darkness.

oOo

Birds chirping. _Oh, no..._

Water babbling over a brook. _No... nonono..._

The swish of trees swaying with the morning breeze. _Nooooooooooo!_

Shawn groaned. It was a full-body groan, that started low in his stomach, made its way up his esophagus, and shoved itself out of his mouth all in one go. It was the groan of a dying man. Or, in this case, one who would rather be dead. He valiantly lifted his hands to his temples, trying to stop the mad spinning of a world that clearly had it out for him. Someone had wrapped him up in another bandage, this one over his eyes.

"Why couldn't they just eat all of me... Why did they only take a bite outta my head?"

"W-what?"

Shawn flinched at the voice, then slowly forced himself to calm down. It wasn't like he was in any condition to run around anyway. Still, maybe he could at least manage to sit up.

"Oh my! Don't move around too much, please! You're still hurt... you might even have a concussion!"

_Ok, Shawn, just... think about this for a second._ Several things were fairly obvious to him by this point: One, those... mythological mini-horses had obviously not been trying to eat him. _Most things don't talk to their lunch before chowing down. And they certainly don't put you in bed and treat your wounds_. Two, wherever he was, there clearly weren't other people around. The pastel ponies... _Ponies! That's what small horses are called, isn't it?_... had been referring to him as "it". And three, this probably wasn't a dream. He didn't think people could hurt so much in a dream.

Ironically enough, it was that last realization that was probably the most disconcerting of all.

"Where am I?" He tried to lift the bandage away from his eyes, but something warm and very hoof-like stopped his hand.

"Please don't take those off yet," The voice pleaded softly, "It's still very bright out, so it'll be very uncomfortable if you do..." Shawn could only let out a low chuckle at being chastised like a 5 year-old. The voice was female and gentle. The kind of voice he'd expect to hear reciting nursery rhymes to nervous children. He'd been scared of these things? He'd heard new-born kittens be more threatening.

"Ok, ok. Just... could you please tell me where I am?" The voice paused to consider.

"Y-You're in my home." Shawn sighed. He noted that the speaker seemed to vacillate between gently commanding and debilitatingly awkward.

"Let's try an easier one. What's your name?"

"O-oh! My name is Fluttershy. What's yours?... y-you know... if you don't mind... telling me..."

"Fl- Wait... really? Flutter**shy**?"

"I-Is... Is there something wrong with it?"

"No! No no no... it's just... I guess it's just really... fitting. I'm Shawn."

"O-Oh. Th-Thank you... Shawn..."

The awkward pause lasted a moment longer before Shawn recovered himself.

"Is it ok if I take this off now?" He touched the bandage over his eyes and the speaker shuffled about.

"Oh, one moment! Let me at least shut the curtains." Back to care-taker mode. The creature whose home he'd invaded was obviously used to caring for animals, but seemed awkward around other people. She may have been having trouble settling on whether to treat him as a big animal that needed care or a person. _Well, so far she's been more helpful as a nurse._

"Ok, you can take it off now..." He lifted the gauze from his eyes, giving them a moment to adjust before trying to look around. _Yup... yellow pegasus... I guess I really wasn't dreaming that up._Details immediately started jumping out at him. The three butterflies tattooed on her flank. Several shadows moving underneath the closed door to the well-lit living room. Scuff marks where someone had dragged the night stand out of the room. Had they thought he might use it as a weapon? Or perhaps expected a repeat performance of what he'd done to the dining table?

He also noted his wallet and phone were gone. _I'll worry about that later..._

"How do you feel?" The pegasus awkwardly sat on her haunches near the bed, but just out of his reach. That had probably been planned, too. Maybe by whoever was listening in from the other room.

"I've... been better." He let out a hacking cough... milking it for all it was worth, "Listen, I really need to know where I am. I have no idea how I ended up here, but my friends will be worried about me."

Predictably, she rushed forward, putting a hoof to his forehead, then trapping an earthenware cup between both front hooves and handing it to him. She helped him sit up, all the while chattering away with her small wings fully extended.

"Oh, well, it can't be helped if your friends are worried about you. That's what friends are for you know. You're in Equestria, right at the edge of the Everfree forest... But you probably already knew that since you came from there. Still, I've lived here almost my whole life and I've never seen a creature like you before! Especially one that talks! What are you? What do you call yourself? Oh, you have to tell me absolutely everything!"

Shawn stuttered, trying to digest the rush of information. If anything, his little plan to get her out of her shell and talking had worked a bit too well. Now he was stuck with a bunch of names of places he had no context for, and a bunch of questions he wasn't sure how to answer, "Wait wait wait. I didn't exactly come from... You know what, it doesn't matter. Listen, where on Earth am I?" He'd start at a high level and narrow it down from there. If these ponies had never seen people before, that meant he'd probably been dumped somewhere deep in Los Padres National Forest. It's the only place he could think of near Santa Barbara that was big enough to hide a small colony of mutant, talking ponies from humanity.

"Earth?" She cocked her head at him in confusion as everything came together.

**FLASH**

Vanessa leaned in conspirationally, "This is highly classified information, you understand, but you'll need to know if you're going to catch the bastard that attacked me..."

"Uh huh..." Gus leaned in, trying to get a surreptitious whiff of her hair past Shawn's shoulder. Shawn gave his friend a horrified look, which Gus returned with a suitably indignant one. They traded various glances and hand motions for a few seconds, while Vanessa looked on in confusion, "Please, do continue, my lady Vanessa." Gus's attempt at smooth chivalry only made things more awkward.

"Uhhh... right. Anyway, this project was originally cutting edge research into teleportation. However, it incidentally ended up confirming the multiverse aspects some fringe forms of string theory. It's still in its infancy stages, but many of the top physicists on the project are already speculating on the possibility of artificially violating some of the basic laws of nature..." She trailed off, noticing that Shawn had managed to fall asleep on Gus's shoulder. Gus gave her an apologetic look before shoving him awake.

"Huh, what now? Yarn theory and natural laws, got it."

Vanessa sighed, "Ok, I get it... Short story is, we think we've built a machine that could allow us to see and eventually explore new worlds, universes, and dimensions! Each with its own set of physical laws!"

Shawn clapped his hands, while Gus shot him dirty looks, "Right, impressive, ok! How does that help in catching the bad guy?"

"Well... It's possible that some group of extremists caught wind of what we're doing and are trying to shut it down. A lot of ideaologies would fare badly at the confirmation of an infinite number of possible universes..."

"Terrorists... wonderful."

**FLASH**

Vanessa's voice replayed over and over in his head: _Explore new worlds, universes, and dimensions!_He suddenly felt very ill.

"I didn't know you could change colors..." Fluttershy, one hoof on the bed, put her forehead right next to his, "You don't feel feverish... You do look a little green though... is that normal?" He shook his head. Slowly.

"Oh my... let me get you some more water." She picked up the empty cup with her mouth and started to leave.

"Fluttershy, wait!" She stopped to glance back at him, "Look... I'm not entirely sure how to say this..." Shawn paused and rubbed his face, "I... I don't think I'm from this world at all..."

"WHAT!" The purple unicorn he'd seen before burst through the door, ogling at him. Fluttershy, startled, squeaked and dropped the cup, which shattered on the hard wooden floors. The sliding of ceramic shards along wood was the loudest thing in the room as Fluttershy shot a reproachful look at the newcomer.

"Oh no! I'm sorry, Fluttershy, it's just... I mean... sorry..." The purple unicorn finished lamely.

The yellow pegasus only shook her head and tapped at one of the ceramic pieces, "Oh, no... It's ok, Twilight... That cup was getting old anyway... Why don't you keep Shawn company while I go get him something else to drink... You know... If you don't mind..." The meek, little personality was back and Shawn suspected it would be a while before he could coax the pony into relaxing again. Twilight blushed through her fur as her friend walked past, but seemed to recover quickly as she remembered where she was.

"So... Shawn, right?" He nodded, as more details leapt out at his practiced eye: Another flank tattoo, this one a purple star with five smaller white ones around it. Multiple voices speaking in hushed tones coming from the other room as the door closed. A distinctly bedraggled, deep purple mane with a lighter purple stripe.

"Now... you said you don't think you're from this world. What did you mean by that?" Shawn paused to consider. The only first-contact scenarios he was familiar with usually involved either chest-busters, phasers, or lightsabers. On the one hand, he didn't want to screw his chances at a good first impression. On the other hand, he was Shawn Spencer... _And it's not like there are other people to compare me to around here anyway._The idea of a blank slate appealed to him, but lying about anything at this point might only set him back. He decided to throw caution to the wind and be himself... doing so had rarely let him down before.

"I'm from a world kind of like yours... but different. Filled with people like me." Shawn grimaced. He could repeat back most of what Vanessa had said verbatim, but that probably wouldn't help at all. These ponies didn't even seem to have refrigerators, so advanced physics would probably go even more over their heads than his, "Some very smart people were experimenting with something that would allow someone to go from one place to another instantly. Except, there was... an accident... I got caught up in an explosion and now I'm here... in what I think may be a different universe... or dimension." Twilight's eyes got wider with each word.

"A whole new universe! That's amazing! Tell me, are there ponies where you're from?"

"Erm... sort of... they don't talk, though."

"That makes sense. Monkeys don't really talk here," Shawn would have taken offense to the comparison, but considering they'd never seen anything like him before, he figured it was a fair comment, "So, you call yourselves_people_?"

"Humans, technically... but that too, yeah."

"Fascinating. So, your... _people_... are still perfecting teleportation magic? How did you manage to do something like pierce the Veil Between Worlds by accident when your magical theory is so primiti-" She stopped, seeming to realize what she was saying, and, again, blushed deeply, "I... What I mean is... You see..." Shawn, however, wasn't listening to her stuttered apology at an imagined faux pas. Instead, the content of her previous sentence bounced around in his head.

_Magic..._ He wondered at the concept, _And why not? That explains how I'm suddenly able to speak their language. There are unicorns here, why wouldn't there be magic, too? And maybe that's my ticket home!_Shawn coughed, interrupting Twilight mid-apology, "Listen, Twilight. Can you use your magic to get me home?"

She seemed startled at his use of her name, "How did..."

"Fluttershy called you that when you came in."

"Oh! Oh, right!" She let out a nervous laugh, "Anyway, I suppose... technically, it's possible. I've never heard of a pony ever having managed to actually pierce the Veil, though. And all actual experimentation with the spells was discontinued centuries ago by a royal decree from princess Celestia. She said it was too dangerous and limited the royal mages to theory."

Shawn hadn't quite followed all of that, but he understood enough, "So... no... is what you're saying."

"Well... not necessarily. I could try to ask the princess to make an exception to the ban on experimentation." Shawn grunted. Home was still a possibility, but not one for the near future. Twilight seemed to sense his sullenness and tried to change the subject, "So... if you don't mind me asking, how far along are your mages in terms of magical theory?"

He stared at her for a moment, before remembering his previous resolution about sticking to the truth, "They aren't. In fact, most people back home don't actually believe in magic at all." An ironic statement coming from a self-proclaimed psychic.

Twilight went through what appeared to be a heart attack, a panic attack, and sudden-onset apoplexy all at the same time, "B-But... but then... h-how did... it isn't... how do you... what?"

"Ummm, look, I'm probably not the best person to explain this... I'm not a scientist... but back home, we build machines to get things done that you probably use magic for here."

She calmed down, "So... machines... like a steam engine?"

"Yeah, like that! Steam power's kind of old hat, though..."

"Amazing... who would have ever thought that tinkering could go to such a high level as to do something nopony has yet to accomplish with magic..." She looked at him with a fire in her eyes that bespoke of many questions to come. Shawn almost began to regret having said anything when Fluttershy quietly floated back into the room, steaming cup of something in... Hand? Hoof?... hoof. _Adjusting to that's going to be tou- Did she just say any__**pony**__?_ He stifled a laugh, _Maybe I imagined it..._

"I-I hope I'm not interrupting, but I thought you might like some warm tea."

"Thanks." Shawn gratefully accepted the drink and took a sip, relishing the sweet, raspberry undertones, "This is_really_good!" The pegasus smiled shyly at the compliment.

Twilight looked mildly annoyed at the interruption, until Fluttershy took her aside and whispered in the purple pony's ear. Shawn could only take a guess at the contents of the conversation, but considering the abashed look on the unicorn's face, he could take a very good one.

"I'm really not all that tired, Fluttershy..."

They both looked up, startled. Fluttershy looked nonplussed, while Twilight seemed to reevaluate his hearing range, "I-I'm sorry... but I really do think you should get some rest..." _Right on the money._

"It's ok, I actually feel a lot better now." He really did. Maybe the tea had curative properties. _Maybe it's magic_. The thought was only half-joking. In either case, the headache had faded to a dull throb, easily ignored. Stretching, Shawn set the cup down, slowly got to his feet, and glanced pointedly at the door,"So... when do I get to meet the rest of your friends?"

Both fillies gaped at him, unsure of what to say. Twilight managed a stuttered "H-How...?"

"I'm psychic. Didn't I tell you?" Shawn grinned.

"W-wait... really! I've never met a true telepath before! How does it work? Do you read **all**thoughts or ju-"

"Whoa whoa whoa, I was just kidding! I'm not really psychic." It'd been hard enough to keep up appearances in a world where there weren't real ones running around casting spells, "I was a detective... sort of. Well, I was a consultant for the police department." They both gave him blank stares, "Uhm... I helped people solve crimes."

Twilight looked worried, "Is there a lot of crime where you come from."

"Well, if you consider bad reality TV a crime, then yes." Shawn's chuckle trailed off at the continuing blank stares._Dammit, this is gonna be hard,_"It... depends... I guess..."

Twilight shook her head before turning towards the doorway, "Let's save that for later. Right now, why don't we formally introduce you to everypony else." There it was again: Every**pony**. _I guess I heard that right, after all._He knew he probably shouldn't laugh. They might think he was strange...er. Twilight lead the way, with Fluttershy walking along next to him in case he needed support, one eye trained on his unsteady movements from beneath a forelock of pink mane.

The living room was just as he remembered it, only this time it was filled with a veritable rainbow of ponies sitting in a semi-circle in the living room. They ran the gamut of emotions from excited, to expectant, to worried, to downright petulant. If this lot was any indication, it seemed like ponies had a tendency to wear their emotions on their sleeves... hooves? Shawn sighed, the only one even wearing clothes was sporting a large cowboy hat._Actually, that__**is**__a really cool hat_.

"Everpony-" **SNRK**.

Shawn hadn't been able to help it... the snigger had just slipped out. And the confused look Twilight shot him didn't help any, "I want you to meet Shawn. He's a... _human_... who apparently stumbled into our world by accident."

"Twilight, dear, you're telling us that his species has the power to pierce the Viel?" The white unicorn spoke up, a look of profound respect, and maybe a hint of fear, on her features.

"Not exactly, Rarity... but I'll get to that later. Right now, I think it's best that we introduce ourselves and try to make him feel at home... he may be here a while." Shawn's good humor faded a little at that. _Still, I won't have it said that I can't make the best of a bad situation._

Twilight nodded to her fellow unicorn, "Rarity, why don't you go first?"

"Gladly, darling!" Rarity turned to him and struck a pose, "As you must surely know by now, my name is Rarity. As the most fashionable pony in Ponyville-" **SNRKT**. Ok, that one hadn't been just him. The blue pegasus had clearly emitted her own snort, though probably for different reasons than his own. _Ponyville? Really?_

"Ahem..." Rarity shot a glare in the cyan pony's direction before continuing, "... It is my wish to offer you a most sincere welcome to our world on behalf of the ponies gathered here." She looked him up and down, making Shawn feel somewhat like a naked mannequin, "And to personally offer my own services, which you seem to be in dire need of, free of charge."

Shawn looked down at himself, self-conscious of the recently improved airflow in certain parts of his wardrobe, "Thanks, I gue-" A bouncing, pink, overly excited snout sporting an unnaturally large grin suddenly dominated his view of the room, inches from his face.

"OH, me me! I'm next! Hi my name's Pinkie Pie but you already knew that because I told you earlier before you fell sleep again after Dashie knocked you over-"

"HEY!" The blue pegasus tried to interject, but it was like trying to stop a mud-slide with a screen door.

"-trying to say hi but then I told her that that's not how you say hi to somepony you just met and then I asked you if you liked cupcakes so I could bake some for your party because that's how you're -" **GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASP** The barely intelligible tirade stopped as suddenly as it began, with the bright pink pony leaving an equally pink blur in her wake as she shot out of the room. **SLAM! **Her exit was punctuated by the violently closed door nearly coming off its hinges. Shawn stared after her, flabbergasted. He wasn't the only one in the room to do so, but he was the last to recover from it by several seconds.

"That was... interesting." He didn't really know a better word to describe what had just happened, but his seemed woefully lacking. The rest of the ponies nodded sagely before the blue pegasus shot forward to float right in front of him, "Hi, I'm-"

"Rainbow Dash, right?" He interrupted.

"How...?" Rainbow drooped in the air, disappointed at having her introduction preempted.

"That's what she called you, isn't it? Right after you knocked me over, remember?" The pegasus blushed, then tried to hide it, one hoof coming up to rub the back of her neck. _How is she doing that! Are they double-jointed? _Suddenly, Rainbow seemed to rally herself, floating back up to his eye level.

"Sorry about that... No hard feelings?" She stuck out a hoof, which Shawn shook. The gesture seemed to confuse her, but she perked up considerably when he responded light-heatedly.

"Nah... Some people I know would barely consider that a love tap."

"Awesome!" She shook back vigorously, nearly ripping his arm out of its socket with the strength of the motion._Ok, note to self: Some of these ponies are freakishly strong. Going to have to watch out for that._Now that he thought about it, it made sense in a way. While he stood nearly a foot taller than any of the ponies here, they had the distinct disadvantage of having to walk around on four legs. He suspected that, if put on a scale, most of them would actually outmass him by a decent amount. While they seemed peaceful, it certainly was something to keep in mind. Especially since these all seemed to be the equivalent of young women... he wondered if the males got much bigger.

"You already know my name, but I bet you didn't know that I'm also the fastest flier in all of Equestria!" She did a little loop in mid-air and shot around the room a couple of times in an effort to show off her skills. Shawn had to admit, the maneuvers had been impressive, considering they were indoors, "One day, I'm going to join the Wonderbolts!"

"Dashie, you realize the fellar prolly don' even know what the Wonderbolts are, right?" Rainbow deflated in realization before Shawn cut in.

"I'm guessing they're a group of famous stunt-fliers... kind of like the Blue Angels back home?" The pegasus perked up again.

"You guys have your own Wonderbolts! That's awesome! Have you seen them in person?" Shawn shook his head, "Oh well, that's too bad... Hey! Maybe you can come to one of our Wonderbolts shows sometime! And you can tell me all about your Blue Angels, too!" She seemed exceedingly excited at the prospect as she flitted back to her perch on the miniature spiral staircase in the middle of the room. The orange pony who'd interrupted stepped up next.

"Howdy there, Shawn... you prolly know mah name too already, dontcha?" They grinned at each other as he nodded once, "Well, momma always tol' me that it's pah-lite to innerduce oneself to somepony you jus' met. So," She stuck out a hoof, which he shook as well, "Mah name's Applejack."

"Let me guess... You're an apple farmer."

Applejack laughed, "Was it that ahbvious?"

Shawn had been making note of the flank tattoos. All the ponies had them, and they all seemed to relate in one way or another to what the ponies themselves did for a living. For that matter, so did their names... he wondered if that was something they chose later in life or were given at birth. Maybe he'd ask Twilight later. Right now, Applejack was giving him a disturbingly serious look. He remembered that she'd been the one frowning sullenly at him earlier.

"Shawn... ah gotta ask... why in tarnation did'ya call me a... _demon donkey_of all things?"

This time it was Shawn's turn to blush, "I'm sorry about that. It's just... I really wasn't expecting you guys at all. You gotta realize, right up until I met you, I thought I was still on Earth."

Applejack's frown deepened, "But... why me? Do I really look lik'a donkey t'you?" She seemed genuinely offended.

Shawn couldn't help it... the ridiculousness of the question... of the whole messed up situation he was in... finally caught up with him. And he laughed. It started deep in his belly, soon reducing him to a bent-over mass of shaking shoulders and mirthful tears. The rest of the ponies looked around nervously, while Applejack herself gave him her best withering glare. Only Rainbow Dash joined in with a chuckle, though more at his reaction than anything else.

"Sorry... Sorry..." He gasped out between breaths. Finally, he recovered himself enough to straighten up and look around at them all, wiping his eyes "I... think I really needed that." Shawn felt like himself again. More so than he had since Vanessa first came to him with the case that would lead him to this moment, "Applejack, I have some good news and bad news for you."

"What's th' good news?" She asked hesitantly.

"The good news is, I wasn't calling **you **a demon donkey."

"Wha... Ok, ah guess. What's the bad news, then?"

"I was calling all of you that... You just assumed I meant you specifically." Every jaw in the room dropped, while Rarity _HMPHED_indignantly from the back of the room. Applejack's incredulous gaping broke down into gales of laughter, soon joined by the rest of the ponies (and human) in the room. Even rarity cracked a smile behind her hoof.

The moment passed and Twilight stepped forward once more, "Of course, you already know Fluttershy..." She looked over at the eponymous pony, who was quietly sitting on the beanbag-like couch the murder-rabbit had landed on. Shawn nervously remembered the encounter and risked a quick look around the room, failing to spot the violent critter. "And I guess that makes me the only pony who hasn't formally introduced herself." Twilight smiled wryly and extended a hoof. Before Shawn could shake it, though, she spoke again, "My full name is Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's top student and Ponyville's current librarian. And we say 'hi' like this..." A purple glow, matched by the one around her horn, enveloped his hand and forced it into a fist, which she proceeded to tap with the bottom of her hoof.

_My god... these ponies 'pound it' to say hi._ Then the real whammy hit him, _She really can use magic!_

Shawn's barely concealed glee at these revelations was interrupted by a sudden thought, "Wait... I thought you said Princess Celestia made that one decree hundreds of years ago. Do your royalty inherit names or something?"

"Well... no. Actually, Princess Celestia is thousands of years old. She cares for and rules over all the ponies in Equestria alongside her sister, Princess Luna. Together, they're also responsible for raising the sun and moon, respectively." Twilight had naturally taken on a lecturing tone, "Actually, I was going to write her a letter about you when I got back. The princess will probably want to meet you."

_Thousands..._ He couldn't fathom it, _I've fallen into a Lord of the Ring's movie... only there's ponies instead of elves..._

The nonchalant way she'd said that last bit almost made him miss something important, "Wait... I'm going to _meet_her!" Sweat beaded his brow.

Twilight cocked her head at him, "Of course! It's not every day an extra-dimensional being visits Equestria. Besides, she's the only one with the magic and authority to even start the process of getting you home. Why?"

Shawn had yet to meet an authority figure that liked him... and he **really** needed this one to. He'd have to be on his best behavior, "No reason... just never really met a princess before." Shawn managed to nervously laugh it off, though Applejack was now giving him a weird look. _Crap._

"So," Twilight continued, "Would you care to properly introduce yourself to everyone?"

Shawn took a deep breath and looked at the ponies gathered before him. He was stuck here, at least for now, with a friendly alien culture and an entire new world to explore... it was everyone's childhood fantasy. And damn him if he wasn't going to take full advantage.

"Nice to meet you guys. My name is Shawn Spencer. Back home, I was... well, someone who helped catch people who did bad things, or find things good people lost..." It sounded like a lame explanation to him, but the ponies seemed suitably impressed. Rainbow Dash seemed especially excited as she flew over to him from her perch.

"Cool! So you were a Royal Guard?" Her eyes were practically glowing with admiration.

"Erm... Let's just say that the... Royal Guard... occasionally hired me to solve cases they couldn't." That was a gross oversimplification if he'd ever heard one.

"Aaaaaawwwwwesooooome!" Rainbow Dash looked over at Twilight, "Hey, he can totally stay at my house if you don't have enough room at the library!"

Twilight shook her head and laughed, "Sorry, Dash, but I'm pretty sure he'd fall right through the floor..." Shawn was starting to get pretty good at ignoring comments that made no sense.

"Oh... right."

"Perhaps, Rainbow Dash did have one good thought there, Twilight," Rarity spoke up, "The library does have plenty of room and is in a much more central location than Fluttershy's cottage." She glanced over at the yellow pony, who was still quietly listening to the goings on, "No offense, darling."

"O-oh... None taken."

The white unicorn looked out the nearest window, observing the sun sitting low in the western horizon "...Also, it is getting a mite late in the day. We might be better served continuing our conversation tomorrow."

Shawn wondered where the day had gone, before remembering that he'd probably spent most of it unconscious. Twilight, on her part, nodded in agreement, "We certainly wouldn't want our new friend to meet the princess sleep-deprived."

"Publish the thought," Shawn piped in.

"Ummm... I think... maybe you meant _perish_?"

A wide, some would even say shit-eating, grin plastered itself on his face, "I've heard it both ways."

Twilight's features scrunched up as she tried to absorb this, but Shawn continued before she could say anything, "Alright, Sparky Serling, lead the way to the zone." He marched out the door, leaving Twilight to sit there, mouth working soundlessly. She shot the other ponies a panicked look before running out after the perplexing alien.

oOo

Far away, under a mountain in one of Equestria's less friendly neighbors, a shadow chuckled to herself. She assumed that the time dilation she'd sensed earlier had been caused by the interdimensional portal finally spitting out the human who'd followed her here. Had it only been a year since her own arrival? Regardless, The Nightmare would receive confirmation from one of her sleeper cells soon enough.

In the mean-time, she would send a message to her lieutenants to speed up all current operations. Zero-hour was coming and soon she would bring Equestria to its knees. The princesses would be utterly defeated before they even knew what hit them. The world would, once again, be plunged into eternal darkness. Her darkness.

Ominous peals of laughter rang through stone hallways as night swallowed the world.


	4. Once Upon a Time in Ponyville

Even though Shawn would never admit it, the leisurely walk back to Ponyville was... nice. The evening sun touched the picturesque land with splotches of color, lending the landscape an even more surreal feel than when he first arrived.

Shawn and Twilight held an uncharacteristic quiet as they made their way to what looked to be a main road. One admiring the kind of scenery he would normally only view on a canvas, the other contemplating the ramifications of bringing an alien into the town she herself had only recently occupied. However, the natures of these two unlikely companions did not allow silence to reign for long.

"Sooo... What happened to the king and queen?"

Twilight looked up at him, clearly startled from her own thoughts, "Huh?"

"Well, you said the princesses ruled over... ahem... _Equestria_." Shawn knew he should probably start to work on not giggling every time he heard a pun, "But there must have been a king or a queen at some point for there to be princesses, right?"

"Actually, that's a good question. There's a lot of literature on the subject, but as far as anypony-"

**SNRK**.

Twilight stopped to stare at Shawn.

"Sorry. Please continue."

"Aaaaanyway... as far as anypony knows, they just showed up one day and deposed the crazy dictator that was making everypony's lives miserable. No pony knows _where_they came from, nor has anypony gotten a straight answer out of either of them when they asked," She grinned wryly, "Trust me, I know."

"And, let me guess, no one really bothered to dig too much into it at the time, what with their new goddess-princesses making everything magically better."

The mare shook her head, "You say that like it's a bad thing. The Princesses earned their privacy." She frowned at him, "You, on the other hand..."

Shawn made a pacifying gesture with his hands, "Ok, ok. Ixnay on the cismcrit-... critisnm-... alking-bad-about-the-princesses-tay."

Twilight let out a soft giggle at his antics before replying, "It may sound corny, but everypony loves them, and they love us back." The skeptical look on her two-legged friend's face did not deter her, "You'll see for yourself when you meet them."

Shawn only shrugged in response.

They'd already reached the main road, which was relatively deserted this late in the day. It was probably for the best... several accidents had already been caused by ponies staring at the strange, bipedal creature instead of paying attention to their surroundings. Shawn had actually seen a green earth pony walk his cart into a ditch when he waved hello as they passed. Several profuse apologies (and some magical help for the colt) later, Twilight had asked Shawn to refrain from 'freaking out' the passerby.

As it turned out, Shawn's initial impression of Twilight proved to be right. The inquisitive mare wasted no time in inundating him with questions about his world and its technology. Shawn, however, was not to be out-curioused and threw out his own question for each one he answered. Like this, the two chatted amicably as empty fields slowly became small ranches, then full-blown houses.

By the time the town skyline, what there was of it, came into view, the sun had fallen beyond the horizon and Shawn had gotten a basic primer on pony society and history... of which he would probably remember exactly zip, come morning. He never did handle lectures well. Though, certain things would be hard to forget.

_Cutie marks... as if their names weren't enough. As soon as I get back I'm calling Disney. I'll be a millionaire in a week._Before Shawn knew it, he was lost in a fantasy involving royalties and movie rights.

The two companions eventually crested a hill and Shawn stopped to admire the scenery, the pain in his feet entirely forgotten at the sight of the town: If a child were given a box of crayons, asked to draw up a Victorian era suburb, spruce it up with some color, and miniaturize it, it would probably have been very similar to what he saw.

Twilight paused alongside him, giving Shawn a moment to take it all in before the two slowly wended their way through the town. The road never expanded into anything more than a wide swath of trampled dirt as it lead them through a large, grassy town square and quaint capitol, then ended at a massive tree.

"No way..." Shawn muttered.

As it turned out, the tree _was_the library. Windows dotted the multi-story structure, while a balcony sat high amongst the branches and offered what must be a fantastic view of the town proper. The door, like every other door he'd seen so far, was in the style of the one in Fluttershy's cottage. Scuff-marks and hoof-prints littered the grass before it, a telltale sign of a location visited often by many.

Twilight casually pushed open both halves of the unlatched front door into complete darkness and stepped in, Shawn following.

"Do you usually leave the door open like that?" Shawn's vision was still adjusting, but he thought he could hear breathing and... giggling?

The mare stopped just inside the door so that Shawn nearly bumped into her as she muttered disconsolately, "Oh, Pinkie P-"

"**SURPRISE!**"

oOo

The burst of light, color, and sound that ensued would have put a fireworks factory explosion to shame. In the brightness of the magically lit room, nearly two dozen ponies pushed and shoved their way forward to catch a glimpse of the creature they'd been dragged out of their homes to celebrate. Others hung back, still fearful despite their curiosity and a recent lesson about judging strangers from a friendly neighborhood zebra.

Shaking her head, Twilight turned to look back at Shawn, apology on her lips... only to see an empty doorway, "Wha-?" She looked back over to her right, where Pinkie Pie had stuck her head under a nearby table, its bright blue cover draped around her shoulders.

Twilight had hoped to spend a quiet evening in her study writing down Shawn's tales of a magic-less world. It was a disconcerting concept, one that still made her shiver, but should nevertheless be documented. Now it seemed that she would have to wait until the rest of the town was done with him first. _Perhaps I should go start my letter to the princess?_ She dismissed the thought, _First thing's first: Find the alien._

"Pinkie Pie... what are you doing? And where's Shawn?" Twilight's friend ignored her, continuing to chat with (or, more likely, at) whomever was under the table. She was about to ask again when it dawned on her.

Sighing, Twilight gripped the edge of the tablecloth with magic and yanked, leaving the cupcakes and punch bowl unmoved. The ponies in the room stomped their hooves in appreciation, then gasped at the sight of the very wide-eyed, gangly alien sitting awkwardly beneath the table of party favors.

"Umm... Hi?" Shawn waved at the gawking Equestrians as Pinkie Pie pulled him out from under his impromptu hiding place by his shirt.

As awkward an introduction as it was, Twilight noted that the... _human_... adapted to his new situation rather quickly. She was well aware that had she similarly been mobbed by ponies like he was, she would have cracked under the pressure.

Shawn, however, seemed to thrive in the attention and in no time at all became the main attraction. The Ponyville ponies found a wonderful new source of entertainment as he attempted some of the local games with mixed results. They were wowed by tales of his world and even managed to coax him out to the dance floor for a few rounds of square dancing, the hilarious sight finally convincing even the ones in the back to join in the fun. Just as the party was picking up some real momentum, the door burst open to Rainbow Dash and Applejack, each carrying several casks of the farm pony's "special cider"... of which Pinkie Pie was her biggest client.

Not one for drinking, it was at this point that Twilight decided to retire to her room, where she found Spike sleeping soundly in his basket. The baby dragon had likely passed out before Pinkie Pie even finished setting up the decorations.

She tiptoed past her slumbering assistant to her desk, where she whistled for Owloysius. With a low hoot, her junior assistant flew down from the rafters, quill and parchment in one talon, and landed on the perch next to her.

Twilight smiled in thanks, then used her magic to unroll the blank scroll and dip the quill in the vial of ink at the same time.

_Dear Princess Celestia,_

oOo

As it always did, the sun rose to little fanfare the next morning. Ponies throughout Ponyville hopped out of their beds to begin the new day, while one particular non-pony in one particular library-tree woke to pounding. More specifically, the unwelcome pounding of his heart pumping blood into his skull.

A bright shaft of light seemed to be doing its level best to burn its way through Shawn's eyelids. Had he had the wherewithal to remember that someone... or somepony, in this case... was actually responsible for it, he would have cursed them and their children. As it was, it took a herculean effort for Shawn to get an arm across his eyes. He tried and failed to pull the tiny feather blanket he'd apparently been given over his head, then settled for trying to put together the fuzzy memories of the night before into a coherent picture.

Everything had been going fantastically, until the barrels of hard cider had shown up. Like a fool, he'd underestimated both the strength of Applejack's home brew and the capacity for certain blue pegasi to put away booze... _I never should have taught her keg stands._

Shawn mulled over the thought of getting up. It was daunting, but he knew if he didn't get something greasy into his stomach, the jackhammers in his head would remain there for the rest of the day. Eyes still closed, Shawn slowly sat up... to a disturbing realization.

_I can't feel my legs..._

Frantically rubbing his eyes to get them open, Shawn tried to stay calm and think. Had the apple-flavored moonshine damaged his nervous system? Had one of the ponies accidentally paralyzed him while in a drunken stupor? Had...

"Oh."

He was on one of those beanbag couches, shoved to one side of the room for the sake of floor space. There were books scattered about, collateral damage from the rowdiness of the previous night. And there was a cyan pegasus sprawled across his legs. Rainbow Dash was snoring loudly, her chin on the floor and leaking drool all over the hardwood. Somewhat belatedly, Shawn realized that his "blanket" had actually been the pegasus's outstretched wing. He also noted that she was lighter than she probably should have been, though maybe bit heavier than him._Hollow bones, maybe?_Shawn shelved the thought for later.

"Hey... Rainbow?" He poked at her side, but got no response. He had no idea how long she'd been there... a while, if the total lack of feeling from his legs was anything to go by. _Come to think of it, this is all her fault._A fuzzy recollection of being forcefully dangled upside down over a half-empty cask came to mind. Rainbow Dash had refused to put him down until he beat Applejack's best time.

With a grunt of effort, Shawn shoved. A second later, he was rewarded with a satisfying thump as the pony rolled right off the end of the couch.

"What the hay!" Dash jumped up from the floor, only to grimace and clutch her head between her hooves, "Oooooooooow..."

"Morning, sunshine! How are you feeling today!" Shawn's own head protested at the volume of his voice. _Petty? Maybe... Worth it? Absolutely!_

Rainbow Dash withered under the verbal assault, then shot him a glare. She looked like she was about to follow up with something scathing when Applejack burst through the kitchen door, a large platter of pancakes balanced on her head and the smug grin of a natural morning person gracing her face.

"Riiiiise an' shine everypony! It's a new day an' we gotta lot a' work ahead a' us!" The blond mare didn't even bat an eyelash at the glares she received, opting instead to prance forward and offer up the pancakes as a sign of peace.

For his part, Shawn was more than ready to forgive in exchange for food that smelled half as good as those pancakes did. He lunged for the platter, momentarily forgetting that he couldn't use his legs, and ended up face down on the floor, letting out a pitiful groan.

Rainbow Dash laughed uproariously, while Applejack sniggered, set the food down on a nearby coffee table, and helped Shawn to his feet.

"You ok there, suga'cube?"

Unable to stand on his wobbly legs, Shawn decided to forgoe answering as he crawled over to the table and plopped down beside it. He grabbed a pancake and shoved the whole thing in his mouth, relishing the apple flavor, before mumbling out an affirmative.

Soon, the three were joined by Twilight and a tiny dragon, whom she introduced as Spike over his sleepy grumbling about the mess.

_Sure, tiny talking dragons. Why not?_

The little reptile glowered at him all throughout breakfast, after which the ponies' and human's dispositions improved dramatically. Shawn even felt well enough to attempt small talk with the tyke while Twilight planned out their day.

"Hey the-"

"Were you the one who filled the tub with melted chocolate and wafers?"

Shawn paused and tried to recall if it had, in fact, been him. "Nope, that was Pinkie Pie." That was probably not a lie. Maybe. The dreams about bathing in kit kats not-withstanding.

"What about the pineapple Twilight found taped to her head?"

"... That was Pinkie Pie, too." _In for a penn- wait, where'd I find a Pineapple? _He only remembered the part that came after.

To be fair, he had only wanted to give Twilight a "thank you" gift. Pinkie had been the one who'd brought out the tape... Shawn was starting to think that maybe he didn't make the best decisions when drunk. He noticed that the little dragon actually looked somewhat mollified, and Shawn wandered at just how common those kinds of antics were from the pink pony.

"Well, ok then." The little dragon grinned up at him, "I guess I can't blame you for Pinkie's pranks... especially the ones that don't make any sense."

Shawn grinned right back, "Exactly. Opposable thumbs need to stick together. Here, give me fiv-uhhh... four." There was an awkward moment where Shawn was forced to teach spike the intricacies of a proper high five before settling back into conversation, "So... do you do any magic?"

"Well... I can breathe Dragonfire. Twilight and the princess use it to keep in touch," Spike paused at the blank look on Shawn's face, "Erm... A puff of it can be used to burn small things like letters and teleport them to somepony. It's a lot faster than using a mailmare." He stuck his chest out, obviously proud of his talent.

"So you're a fax machine."

"A what?"

"Nothing. Not important..." Shawn's eyes had widened as a realization struck him, "Say, as a magic dragon, did you ever live by the sea?"

"What? No... I used to live in Canterlot..." Spike looked utterly bewildered at the sudden shift in the conversation.

"That's too bad. But you do like frolicking in the autumn mist, right?"

"I... I guess, I do?" The baby dragon was looking around and shuffling backwards, decidedly worried about the strange smile on the human's face.

"And strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff?"

"S-Sure, I like those too... umm... listen... I-I think I should go get started on cleaning up the mess..."

"Probably. See you later, Puff."

"It's Sp-... you know what, that's fine..." Spike walked away, casting backward glances at Shawn, who whistled a catchy little tune to himself while continuing to try to rub feeling back into his legs.

Aside from two more spills stemming from pony-inflicted lower body numbness, Shawn's day steadily improved. Apparently, he'd been a big hit at the party the night before and many of the attending ponies had found Shawn on their way out, promising proper welcome gifts if he would just visit their shops the following day. It should have shocked him that such an obviously tight-nit community could open up so freely to a complete stranger. But, then, Twilight and her friends were already treating him like they'd known him for years.

As the three ponies and one limping human made their way into town, they meandered over to the first stop on the list: Rarity's shop. By this point, Shawn was not the least bit surprised at the sight of the whimsical carousel-tent that stood before him. In fact, he was a little disappointed that it was only composed of three or four colors. At least the frills on every available edge were up to par.

A little bell rang as the four of them stepped through the door, accompanied by the sounds of hurried hoofsteps rushing down a staircase. Suddenly, Rarity emerged from behind a door near the back, perfectly styled purple mane bouncing with every step.

"Welcome to Carousel Boutique! Where every garment is chic, unique, and- Oh my!" The prim little unicorn gasped excitedly, albeit a bit melodramatically, at the sight of the visitors, "Well if it isn't my good friends! I'm so glad you could make it!" She paused and shot Shawn a look, once again making him feel vaguely like a dress-up doll, "I see your wardrobe is still in need of some... alterations."

Twilight nodded emphatically, "He's going to need some new clothes if he's going to meet the princesses later this evening."

"No, it's ok, really! I just need some patches and I'll be all- wait, WHAT!" Eyes wide and slack-jawed, Shawn stared at Twilight, the disbelief plain on his expression.

"Oh, did I forget to mention that? I guess I was a little preoccupied trying not to rip my hair out this morning while removing a pineapple from my head." she smiled innocently at him while Applejack and Rainbow Dash sniggered from behind her, "In fact, we _all_have a dinner appointment with them at half past seven."

The other two mares stopped laughing and blanched, suddenly very aware of how incredibly hungover they looked.

"Ummm... I'll meet you guys at Pinkie's in a little bit!" Dash disappeared in a flash of color, a fading rainbow trail leading out the nearest window.

"Well, Ah'll be! Ah jus' remembered, Ah still need ta cart them casks back to th'farm! Stay outta trouble, suga'cube!" Applejack directed the last bit at Shawn before smiling and rushing out the door.

_Traitors._Shawn thought darkly.

The two remaining ponies sighed and shook their heads in unison, while Shawn went back to staring at Twilight with narrowed eyes. He'd never thought she had it in her, "Of course, you realize this means war..."

Shawn thought she looked mildly perturbed, though she seemed to recognize it as a figure of speech.

Giggling uncertainly, Twilight glanced over at Rarity, "Did you come up with something good?"

"Have I ever _not_?" Nose up in the air, Rarity gave Twilight her best affronted look before stepping forward to more closely inspect the condition of Shawn's garments, "I can easily fix these... but not before dinner. Fortunately for you, darling, I spent all last night putting together the most marvelous ensemble!"

Shawn suppressed a shudder of trepidation as she led both him and Twilight up the stairs to her work room.

oOo

"It looks like a hurricane passed through here..."

Twilight couldn't help but agree with Shawn's observation. Every time she'd visited the room before, the extent of the mess had always pushed her to offer up Spike's services as a cleaner. Rarity, of course, always refused, candidly insisting that she knew exactly where everything was.

Rarity had refrained from dignifying the comment with a response as she used her magic to levitate a mannequin, hastily reassembled into a more human shape, over to them. The outfit draped over it was... less garish than Twilight had expected. She saw Shawn start to step forward, but before he could get a closer look at it, a bandanna wrapped itself around his eyes.

"Now now! Can't have you seeing it before it's ready. It'll ruin the surprise. Now, all I need is a few measurements for the final touches." Rarity's horn glowed, and a veritable tornado of tailor's tools swirled around Shawn, wrapping around and groping various limbs and body parts as Rarity called out numbers for Twilight to write down.

"ACK! Help! I need an adult!"

"Oh, quiet down and stand still, you big baby!"

Rarity's assault continued for only a few minutes before Shawn was allowed to sit down on the floor where he'd stood. The white unicorn double-checked the blindfold before turning to make the adjustments to her newest masterpiece.

Twilight almost began to feel pity for her new friend, then recalled that morning's fruity incident. She briefly considered pelting him on the head with something before her pondering was interrupted by a frustrated exclamation from the fashionista behind her.

"Drat!" Tools hung in the air as the white pony frantically looked around the work room, "Now, where did I put those pinking shears? Oh, Sweetie Belle better not have messed with my stuff again. Twilight, be a dear and help me look. Shawn, don't you dare remove that blind fo-"

"Are you looking for the squiggly scissors under the clothing rack behind me?"

Both ponies stopped, staring at Shawn in amazement before Rarity rushed over to the aforementioned rack. She stood after a moment, scissors in hoof and an inscrutable look on her face, "That's quite a talent. You wouldn't also happen to know where the tracing wheel is, would you?"

"Does it look like a spiky pizza cutter?"

Rarity nodded, then seemed to remember that Shawn couldn't see. "Yes."

"Table to your left."

His pronouncement proved true, the shiny tip of one of the wheels sticking out from under a sheet of pink cloth. Twilight stood there, flabbergasted. Was Shawn somehow able to see in spite of the blind fold? Did humans have some sixth sense that he hadn't mentioned to them, assuming ponies had it too? She had to know.

"Shawn... How did you know all that?" Twilight stepped over to him, putting her face right in front of his and trying to squint through the blindfold.

"I got a pretty good look at the room before she put this on me." Shawn fingered the soft fabric over his eyes, a smirk on his face.

"You... you simply _remembered_where they were? From that one look?"

"You could say that's my 'special talent'," He paused to laugh at some private joke, "I wasn't exactly born with it, though. And, before you ask again: no, there's nothing tattooed on my ass."

Twilight stepped back, mind working a mile a minute, _Could it really be that simple? I've heard rumors of ponies who claimed to have perfect recall, but I've never actually read of a confirmed case._ Reaching out with her magic, she took hold of a nearby roll of clothing and aimed carefully, _Let's see if you're really blind..._

She didn't see the box of gems concealed within the folds of the silk until it was far too late.

oOo

"Shaw-"

"Still not talking to you."

Out of the corner of his eye, Shawn saw twilight sigh and hang her head. For the last two hours, the mare had apologized non-stop, nearly reaching the point of tears several times. He fingered the large, purple bruise just above his right eyebrow, wincing in discomfort... and maybe milking it just a little. It was the principle of the thing.

In actuality, Shawn wasn't really angry at Twilight anymore. True, he wasn't exactly happy with her either, but he understood that it had been an honest mistake. At this point, he was much more upset over having his old clothes confiscated by Rarity, whom he'd forced to promise not to do anything more than fix the holes and burns.

_If my nikes come back pink and covered in hearts, there will be blood._

Although, he had to admit, the new outfit was _stylish_. The black silk trousers and soft boots fit snugly without restricting his movements, while the red, long-sleeved shirt felt like Rarity had spun the fabric out of clouds. A black vest lined with gold filigree completed the ensemble, which fit better than anything he owned back home. He absolutely hated the lace at the end of each sleeve, though it lent the whole outfit a formal, even royal, air.

Shawn, Rarity, and a still despondent Twilight had been making their way to Surgarcube Corner for the last half hour, their progress impeded as ponies who recognized him from the party continually stopped them to say hi or give him stuff.

So far, Shawn had accrued several fruits, a black, feathered hat to go with his new outfit, and a pineapple. The last one had been from a maroon earth pony who asked if he'd enjoyed the other one. Shawn assured the colt that he'd gotten better use out of it than any pineapple he'd ever had, and the farm pony left with a confused smile at the strange compliment.

Eventually, they reached what Shawn assumed to be the house of the gingerbread man's older, richer, much more flamboyant cousin. This was where they'd be stopping for a light lunch, as well as the workplace of the troublemaker who'd thrown him a party the night before. He gulped at the prospect of meeting the strange, pink pony again.

There was no doubt that she'd been an excellent compatriot during their drunken antics, but the unsettling way she had casually violated the laws of physics or thrown him across the room had made him sweat even when he wasn't sober.

"So, she owns this place?" Shawn stood at the doorstep, unsure of whether to knock or just step inside.

"No, silly! Mr. and Mrs. Cake own it, Pinkie Pie just works there. Oh, wait, thats me! Here, let me get the door for you!"

"Oh, ok, thanks Pink-" Frozen in place, Shawn watched in a mix of wonder and horror as the poofy-maned pink pony bounced past him, shoved open the door, and motioned him inside. He slowly turned to look at Twilight and Rarity, who merely shrugged their withers at him.

"Twilight..." Shawn whispered, "You didn't tell me earth ponies could teleport, too."

"They can't."

"But..."

"Yeah, I stopped trying to figure it out a long time ago. Just go with it."

Shawn wondered if this is how Gus had felt all those times... _No! I will not be out-me'd!_With newfound resolution, he stepped forward into the candy shop.

It was brightly lit, large windows letting in as much of the sun as possible so as to better illuminate the wide variety of sugary delights on display. Pinkie Pie was nowhere to be seen.

He could hear crashing noises coming from what he assumed was the kitchen, while several ponies looked up at him curiously from their places at the small tables. Since none of them had panic attacks, Shawn assumed the tale of his presence here had already spread throughout the small town.

Rainbow dash waved them over, the mane that made up half of her namesake just as messy as before, though her fur seemed much less matted.

Waving back, Shawn took the opportunity to "hoof" Dash hello before taking a seat next to her, "'Sup."

Twilight and Rarity joined them, while he realized that the relatively low table was still too tall for comfort when he sat on the floor. _Note to self: Invent chairs as soon as possible._

The thought was rendered moot as Pinkie Pie pranced out of the kitchen, a tray of various sweets balanced on her head and a rudimentary wooden stool held up by her tail.

Shawn stared at it, "I thought you guys didn't have chairs?"

"What's a chair?" Pinkie Pie tilted her head quizzically, the tray remaining on her head despite the gravity defying angle.

"Ok, fine, I thought you guys didn't have stools."

"What's a stool?"

Shawn stared at her, "That thing you're holding."

"You mean this husitvice?"

"What the hell is a... wait... ok... It's a human sitting device, isn't it? Sure, that."

"I built it for you special, 'cause you're a special friend! Do you like it?"

Shawn glanced at the other ponies, who only smiled bemusedly. While he would never admit it openly, he almost teared up a little.

"Shawn... are you cryi-"

"Still not talking to you."

Twilight sighed again, clearly having hoped that Shawn had forgotten his grudge in the touching moment.

Quickly wiping a hand across his eyes, Shawn coughed, "Sorry, got something manly in my eye."

"Want some eye drops?" Pinkie piped up as she set the haphazard stool down for him to sit on, "We also have gum drops, candy drops, chocolate drops..." The list went on for a while.

It wasn't the most uncomfortable thing Shawn had ever sat on. That dubious honor still went to the chair in the interrogation room at the Santa Barbara Police Department. Still, it definitely made the subsequent meal much less awkward for him.

Now, Shawn wasn't like his dad or Lassie. He did consider vegetarian food... well... _food _and had resigned himself to the likelihood that meat would be off limits for a while. The one time he'd mentioned "having chicken for dinner" during their earlier chat, Twilight's eyes had gotten so wide that he'd made up a lie on the spot about his good friend "Chicken McNugget", whose parents' love of humor was only surpassed by their love of poultry.

Beyond that, Lunch and "double-desert", which Pinkie assured him was absolutely a real thing, were fairly uneventful. The group spent the subsequent couple of hours chatting and snacking. Shawn even spent a substantial amount of time in the kitchen with his new pink friend trying to recreate his favorite chocolaty snack. By the time their complimentary ride arrived, Applejack and Fluttershy had filtered into the shop and Shawn had finally consented to start speaking to Twilight again.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash were actually in the middle of a hoof-wrestling contest when a large, rather imposing white stallion pegasus in shiny golden armor marched into the shop. Dash, of course, took advantage of the brief distraction to slam Applejack's hoof on to the table with a victorious shout.

"I'm looking for a... Ms. Twilight Sparkle and company." The stallion gruffly called out to the room at large, looking very unhappy to be there.

Or, perhaps, merely unhappy in general. Shawn couldn't tell.

"Oh, we're over here! Come on, Shawn, girls." Twilight trotted over to the soldier, "Thank you for coming so quickly, Mr..."

The stallion eyed her for a moment, letting the sentence hang for a while before he answered, "It's _Captain_Aegis Fidelis, reporting for duty. All of you, please step outside and board the chariot in an orderly manner."

Cringing at the shortness of the reply, Twilight started to stammer a response when Shawn ambled over.

Unfazed beneath the guard's withering glare, he gave the glowering pony his most winning smile and stuck out his fist, "Good to meet you _Captain_Leeches. I'm Shawn Spencer: alien, detective, and mint-chocolate gumdrop enthusiast. I see you've met my associate, Twilight 'In the Zone' Sparkle. I promise I won't blame you if the inflight movie is terrible, but I can't say the same for her."

Aegis's glare shifted back and forth between Shawn's wide smile and offending hand several times before he finally grunted, "_Please_step outside and board the chariot in an orderly manner." At that, the stallion turned around and marched out, muttering something about being way too busy to be babysitting psychotic aliens.

The sound of the door being slammed seemed to snap Twilight out of her shock, "S-Shawn... what did you do?"

She looked thoroughly horrified, while the rest of the mares were openly staring at him.

Except Pinkie Pie, she was giggling.

"What? I just introduced us."

"We have to spend the next hour and a half in a chariot with that colt! And he probably hates me now!" Her ears were plastered to her skull.

"Oh, don't be a two-eyed, one horned, flying purple party pooper. I'm sure Captain Cheez-Its is actually a lovable teddy bear on the inside. Just watch, we'll all be best friends by the end of the ride."

"R-Really?"

"Absolutely."

oOo

They weren't.

Shawn wasn't going to sugarcoat it, but his lovable charm had finally met its match. Well, its second match... or so.

Throughout the flight, the Captain had so far refused to even acknowledge the existence of passengers on the chariot he was pulling.

Twilight, of course, was coming apart at the seams because of it, though Shawn could hardly bring himself to care. He was _far_too busy leaning as far as he could over the side of the golden vehicle, trying to burn every bit of the experience into his memory.

Fluttershy was sitting next to him, gripping the end of his vest in her teeth and attempting to coax him back to the center between squeaks of fear.

"Fillies and Gentlecolts, we are now on final approach to Canterlot castle. For your safety, please move towards the center of the chariot." The second guard pegasus shouted back at them over the noise of the wind.

Applejack stepped over and yanked Shawn away from the side, threatening to sit on him if he didn't stay still until after they landed.

Twilight stared forlornly at him for a moment, before giving him her most pleading gaze, "Please, please,_pleeeeaaaase_behave around the princesses. I really want them to like you."

"What? I thought I'd been doing pretty well so far..."

Twilight brought a hoof to her face before groaning, "What _else_can go wrong?"

She would come to regret asking.


	5. 2 plus 2 equals Murder

"Hey, Sparky..."

"..."

"Spaaaaaaaaarkyyyyyyyy."

"... Is this your revenge for the jewel box?"

"Nah, I'm way over that. Now I'm just paying it forward."

Twilight sighed, "For the last time, Shawn, it's just called Canterlot Castle. Nopony has ever heard of... what was it? Minas Tirith? And I doubt the princesses will be open to renaming it."

With a shrug, Shawn hopped off the carriage after her. "Then you guys need to fire whoever's been naming your cities. I mean, come on: Ponyville? Canterlot?"

"Well, Ah'm sorry our namin' conventions don't meet yer high standerds." Applejack rolled her eyes, as she'd been doing for the past ten minutes of this particular conversation.

"Apology accepted, Applejack. At least you've taken the first step: admitting that there's a problem. Now we just need a lot of ponies with a lot of spare time to get a lot of signatures."

Twilight sighed again, while the farm pony fell behind from having stopped to slap a hoof to her face.

"Look, I'm just saying, just because everything in this universe is sickeningly cute doesn't mean you can't throw some badass names around every once in a while. I mean, just look at Captain Regis over there! He may be cute as a button, but at least he has a semi-acceptable name... Actually, he'd make a fantastic talk-show host."

Shawn was sure he'd spoken more than loudly enough for the stallion to hear, but "The Cap'n" (as Shawn had taken to calling the stoic soldier in his own mind) seemed to have a lot of practice at holding a poker face. The Cap'n was leading them through a series of back alleys and tunnels, studiously avoiding any main streets or avenues with large crowds. So far, the group had managed to attract very little attention from the denizens, the few they'd encountered quickly being stared into quietly panicked submission by the gruff guard pony.

With a third and probably-not-final sigh, Twilight looked back at the rest of her friends for help, finding none. Her staunchest ally so far, Applejack, had apparently given up and was hanging back. Rainbow Dash had flown off, too impatient to follow with the rest of the group when she already knew where they were headed. Rarity was keeping her peace, probably unwilling to jump into an argument she had openly stated was nonsensical. And Pinkie Pie was... well... being Pinkie Pie. More specifically, she was eating cupcakes out of the cartoonishly overfull saddlebags she'd brought along, to Twilight's chagrin.

_How is she carrying all that? _Shawn wondered for the nth time.

He'd secretly tried to lift one of the bags while they'd still been sitting behind the counter at Sugarcube Corner, but had been unable to even budge it. Apparently, it was a mystery to the rest of the mares as well, so he'd resolved to not think about it... which was causing him to think about it. At least he didn't have to lug all those gifts he'd gotten in Ponyville through the city streets, Pinkie having magically found room for them in the bags.

A commotion in one of the alleys that intersected their path broke him away from his thoughts.

There were a lot of ponies crowding the small alleyway, each trying to get a look at whatever was at the center, while a group of Royal Guards in shining golden armor tried vainly to break up the gawkers. He wasn't sure, but Shawn thought a lot of them looked like they were about to be sick.

The Cap'n looked torn. Shawn figured the dour stallion's every instinct was shouting at him to step in and impose order on what could, if one were feeling charitable, be called a serious clusterfuck of a crime-scene. For a moment, it looked like The Cap'n's orders to escort the princesses' guests would win out, until a panicked, charcoal-grey unicorn in guard regalia spotted him and galloped over.

"Captain Aegis, sir! Thank Celestia you're here!"

Their little group stopped as The Cap'n paused to address the fellow guard.

"What's the matter, Private? Why haven't you gotten the civvies cleared out?"

"It's... It's another one, sir..." The grey pony looked on the verge of tears.

The Cap'n's eyes grew wide and his mouth formed into a pained grimace, "That's the third one this month..." He whispered, apparently not realizing it was loud enough for Shawn to hear.

That may or may not have had something to do with the fact that Shawn was now almost directly behind him.

"What's your name, Private?"

"Private Fleet Hoof, reporting for duty, sir!"

"Alright, Fleet Hoof, send a runner to headquarters requesting backup immediately... and make sure they send somepony to let the princesses know that their guests are going to be a little late." The Cap'n turned to look at Twilight, not showing the least bit of surprise at finding Shawn was right there as well, "I apologize, Miss Sparkle, but I'm going to need to use your escort to clear the area and establish a perimeter. At least, until reinforcements arrive. Please wait here with your friends and the alien until then."

"What's going on Captain? Did something happen?" Twilight looked worried, shooting uncertain glances at the crowd.

The stallion paused, obviously carefully considering his answer, "There have been a series of... incidents... in and around the trading district. Nothing serious, ma'am. We'll just get it sorted out quickly and get moving."

_Seriously? That's the most obviously rehearsed yarn I've ever heard in my life! There's no way she's going to buy th-_

"Oh, good!" Twilight giggled in relief before trotting back to her friends, "It's ok guys, just a minor delay."

Shawn stared after her, trying to comprehend what had just happened. How could she not recognize such an obvious crime-scene?

He considered the possibility that he was over-thinking this... Twilight had basically told him there was little to no crime in Equestria. And his detective's instinct wouldn't be properly calibrated for a utopia full of polychromatic sentient ponies.

Chuckling at the thought, he was turning to leave when the wind shifted and the smell hit him.

The ponies in the crowd didn't just _look_ sick, many had obviously _been_sick. Below that stench, however, was the sharp tang of something he'd never expected to find in this fantasy-land.

_Blood..._

oOo

Captain Aegis Fidelis didn't think of himself as a grizzled veteran. Not to say that he wasn't... but he liked to think that he still upheld the ideals that drove him to the Royal Guard with the same fervor that he had 20 years ago as a private.

Even joining Princess Celestia's personal guard and being awarded a Hero's Title had not distanced him from his original purpose: Protect every pony in Equestria from any threat... even from themselves, if necessary.

It was, in fact, the inspiration for the surname that had been granted to him by the Sun Princess herself: Aegis Fidelis, ancient Equestrian for Loyal Shield.

It was to his great frustration and sadness, then, that three of the many ponies under his protection had died in the last month. Under his watch, no less. It didn't matter that every death so far had been ruled a suicide, it was all the Royal Guard could do to prevent a panic in the city.

The population of Canterlot was rightly concerned. In the entirety of the Royal Guard's records, dating back to the Battle of the Sun and Moon when the Royal Archives had burned down, there were a total of 4 recorded suicides. The last one on the night of Nightmare Moon's escape before the Elements of Harmony reverted the monster into the Moon Princess.

It wasn't that deaths never happened in Canterlot. Put that many ponies together in such close quarters and accidents were bound to happen now and again. It was a sad but true fact every member of the Royal Guard had come to terms with in their own way. Suicide, however, was a whole other matter. Nopony could be prepared for something like that.

_Four in a thousand years. Then, all of a sudden, it's three in a month. _Aegis's thoughts were interrupted by another nervous guard. The pegasus mare had apparently been trying to get his attention for some time now, but he'd been too busy pondering the feeling in his gut that there was more to this than a rash of chronically depressed merchant ponies. What that something was, he could only guess.

"What is it, Private?"

"Sir! Private Wintery Wing reporting! Ummm..."

"Spit it out, Private!"

She looked back over her shoulder at the growing empty space around the unfortunate pony's body, "Is... Is It really ok for your side-kick to be going over the... body... like that?"

Captain Aegis stopped, trying to process what the relatively new recruit had just said, "I'm sorry... my what?"

"Your... your side-kick... Kato Holmes? I hadn't realized you worked that closely with a talking ape, sir."

Wintery Wing blanched... an impressive feat for a bleach-white pegasus, but Aegis was well aware that lesser ponies had fainted at the look that currently graced his countenance. He made a note to recommend her for a commendation on the basis of bravery in the face of imminent violence as he stomped back into the alleyway.

oOo

Shawn slipped the tarp back over the face of the dark brown earth pony sprawled on the ground before him. Someon-... Somepony had at least closed the poor colt's eyes before hiding his body from the general public.

It hadn't taken much to get past the cordon and get a closer look at the scene. The young mare he'd talked to was obviously new, both to her job and death in general, which was why he'd targeted her in the first place. He'd been helped along by her immense confusion at being addressed by what she probably thought was a monkey someone had found and dressed up in a suit.

"Hehe... monkey suit..."

Shawn figured he still had another couple of minutes to look around before she got her act together enough to go confirm that he was supposed to be there. By that point, he'd be (hopefully) safely hiding behind the (hopefully) impenetrable wall of Twilight and her friends.

Taking note of the position of the body one last time, Shawn looked up to the 5th floor window the pony had fallen from. It was hard for him to tell whether the broken neck or the busted skull had been what killed the colt... normally he'd bribe Woody for the information, but that wasn't really an option at the moment since his coroner friend was currently in a different universe.

Still, this wouldn't be Shawn's first time working a case without police resources.

He made his way around the body, trying to eyeball the angle of the fall. The pony was several feet away from the the building, back legs toward the wall and with shards of glass from the shattered window spread out around him. Some of it crunched under the sole of Shawn's new boots as he walked past the victim's head, making sure to avoid stepping in the blood-splatter.

"This wasn't an accident..." He muttered to himself.

"Of course, not. It was a suicide."

Shawn ignored the gruff voice coming from behind him as he kneeled to get a closer look at some of the glass shards, "Maybe..."

"Indeed..." Again, the voice breathed hotly onto his neck.

"Ok, seriously Lassie, you need to start carrying breath mints or someth-..." It came to Shawn, at that moment, that Lassie had not made the inter-dimensional trip with him. This fact left only two possibilities: Either the gruff police detective had found a way to haunt him while still alive, or Shawn's evening was about to get off to a very bad start.

Being careful to avoid making any sudden movements, Shawn slowly got to his feet. Until now, he hadn't realized quite how _big_The Cap'n was for a pony. The stallion only had to tilt his head up a bit to direct his steely glare into Shawn's eyes. Despite his slight height advantage, Shawn had never felt smaller or more fragile in his entire life.

"I'm inclined to ask what you're doing trampling all over my evidence, _alien_... but I'm even more inclined to skip straight to the part where I toss you face-first back into the alley." The guard pony advanced, wings out (as if he needed to look any bigger) and head down in an aggressive posture.

Shawn could only let out a whimper before the stallion lunged forward and his world became a vibrant shade of... purple?

He looked around frantically, fighting off a sense of vertigo as he realized he was now standing behind an outraged Twilight. Had she just teleported him!

"Captain Aegis Fidelis, what do you think you're doing!"

The Cap'n, now facing the purple mare, grunted in irritation before shooting Shawn a frustrated glare, "Your_monkey_was messing around with my evidence, Miss Sparkle! I was simply going to... explain... to him why he shouldn't do that."

"_Shawn_, here, was probably just curious. And what I saw looked less like explaining and more like an attempt at outright violence against a personal guest of the princesses, _Captain_!"

The stallion winced at her emphasis on his official rank, visibly calming himself as his wings folded themselves back onto his body, "I apologize, Miss Sparkle. This suicide business has us all on edge." His eyes widened as he seemed to realize what he had just said.

For her part, Twilight had turned sheet-white, finally having spotted the tarp-covered body behind the guard pony she'd been chewing out, "S-Suicide...?"

Shawn stepped forward and, in a rare moment of seriousness, tried putting a comforting hand on her withers.

Her sudden shift from white to green at that moment would have made a chameleon proud.

"Ex-Excuse me for a moment..." Twilight muttered as she galloped into the adjacent alley, followed closely by the unpleasant sounds of a pony voiding her stomach.

"Cap'n, I know this isn't the best ti-"

"Not a _word_ from you, _chimp_. This is all your fault." The low intensity in The Cap'n's voice belied the barely restrained anger behind it. With a huff, the large pegasus turned to greet the reinforcements he'd asked for.

Shawn found himself standing alone at the intersection of the alleys that comprised their group's path and the crime scene. The sun lay low in the sky, too low for the orange light to reach past the city wall and illuminate the quiet backstreet.

_Suicide, huh?_

Maybe Shawn didn't fully understand the rules of the idyllic world he had found himself in. He'd barely been there two days and had already seen many of the physical laws he'd previously understood as immutable broken with nary a second thought.

However, as Shawn made his way further down the path to where the rest of the mares waited, he came to a conclusion: Whether on Earth or in Equestria, some things always added up to foul play.

oOo

Having gotten the news about the delay, the princesses had opted to play it safe and push the dinner back by an hour. Ironically, this resulted in the group's arriving half an hour early.

Shawn found himself in a large, luxurious waiting room, anxiously waiting for the right moment to broach his suspicions with Twilight. However, the mare had refused to speak with anyone at all since she'd seen the body. Inevitably, her friends had tried to get her to talk about it, only upsetting her further.

Sighing, Shawn decided he should try to get some air and set out to find a maid. He'd found himself pleasantly surprised at the relaxed attitudes of the servant ponies in the castle. Either they were exceptionally well trained, or strange, talking creatures were a fairly common occurrence.

He suspected it was a mix of the two. From what he remembered of what Twilight had told him about foreign relations with the Griffonian Empire and the United Diamond Dog Tribes, Equestria's two nearest neighbors kept active embassies somewhere in the capital.

Eventually, somepony was kind enough to direct him to the gardens, which sported a ridiculously convoluted hedge-maze, several decorative statues, and an enormous sundial near the entrance. It was all very grand and Shawn contemplated trying his hand at the maze before deciding he would not have enough time before dinner with the princesses.

The princesses.

Whether by accident or design, Twilight had completely failed to inform him as to what to expect during the meal. Would it be formal, with two dozen rules specifying how he should hold his spoon? Would he insult his only ticket home the first time he tried to take a bite of the appetizer? Would they even have spoons, for that matter?

So far, he'd only seen them eat by taking the food directly from the plate with their mouths. Would he be expected to do the same? He wasn't sure he wanted to repeat his pitiful performance in the bobbing for apples game at the party.

Disconsolate, Shawn stopped and picked up a flat, red pebble, bouncing it up and down in his hand a few times before chucking into a nearby hedgerow.

"Oh!"

Or maybe _through_a nearby hedgerow. Shawn grimaced before calling out through the apparently-not-so-impenetrable wall of green, "Sorry!"

"It's quite alright!" A voice, melodic in a sweet and matronly sort of way, called back. It could have belonged to a young mare or a mother in her prime. There was a sort of... unknowable quality to it. As if he'd forget what it sounded like the moment he stopped hearing it.

"You ok?" Shawn stepped closer to the hedge, curious.

"Don't worry, I was merely surprised. I must admit, that does not happen very often." Whoever the mare was, her easy laugh made it clear she had a good sense of humor.

Pausing, it occurred to Shawn that he was speaking to a new pony without all the awkwardness and questions that had so far come with every first encounter. He found it refreshing, even if he did occasionally enjoy seeing ponies' reactions to the first time he spoke.

The other voice had paused as well, seemingly lost in her own ruminations, "And what brings you to Canterlot Castle, gentlecolt?"

"Sightseeing." Shawn responded quickly.

"Sightseeing?"

"Never seen a castle before. Thought it was about time I did... maybe even catch a glimpse of the princesses, you know?" It occurred to him he had no idea what they looked like.

"Oh? And what distant land do you hail from that you've never seen a castle before?" Her tone of voice gave away the joke. In fact, he'd noticed a slight undercurrent of concealed mirth in everything the mare had said.

He wasn't sure what she found funny about it, yet he still couldn't help laughing along with her, "Ponyville, actually."

"Oh? That's not so far away... did you grow tired of viewing it from afar?"

Shawn cursed himself. He hadn't known the castle was visible from the little town. At least she'd provided an easy out, "Pretty much. I meant I've never seen a castle up-close."

She paused to chuckle again, "You know, it wasn't that long ago that I visited there, myself. Can I ask your name, gentlecolt?"

_Crap..._ He hadn't thought that one through, _Quick, say something! Anything!_

In a panic, he mumbled, "Horsey McHooferton." _Dammit!_

"I'm... sorry?"

Louder, "I said, my name's Rosy Plankton." _Nice save!_

"Oh! That's a very nice name, Rosy. Are you a gardener?"

"It's why I'm out here instead of inside. How about you?"

"My name or why I'm out here?"

"How about both?" Shawn was grinning, though he kept glancing over at the sundial. He'd need to head back soon...

"Well, sometimes I like to visit the gardens to meditate. I have a... stressful job. One that a lot of ponies count on me to do, so it's nice to get away from the formalities once in a while."

"Ho ho, so I guess I'm talking to some sort of big shot, eh?"

"Does it bother you?"

The question was strangely serious, so he actually gave it some thought.

"Nah. I've never really put a lot of stock on authority." Shawn found himself leaning against the hedge, "I've met a lot of peo-... ponies who acted like they were important. Who _demanded_respect from everyone they met... but they always ended up just isolating themselves."

For a moment, he thought the pony was going say something, but she only cleared her throat, so he continued.

"You know, I've always thought that if someone was important... I mean, _actually_important, they wouldn't care as much about how others treated them, because real respect shows through no matter how people act around you." He stopped and chuckled, "I'm not really making any sense, am I?"

The voice was quiet for a minute, before answering wryly, "You cannot comprehend how much sense you just made, Rosy."

They both laughed comfortably for a short while, before something occurred to Shawn, "Hey, wait a second, you never told me yo-"

"Oh my! Is it 8:30 already? Where _did_the time go?"

_OH SHIT_

"Never mind! Sorry, gotta go! I'm late for a very important date!"

If he was lucky, Twilight would still be too preoccupied with her thoughts to notice when he got back.

oOo

He was decidedly NOT lucky.

In fact, it could be said that he had somehow managed to be NOT lucky to the power of six, as that was how many sets of eyes were glaring daggers at him when he burst into the room, huffing and puffing from the run through the long hallways.

Well, Fluttershy wasn't really glaring as much as looking decidedly disappointed and uncomfortable... which, on further analysis, Shawn decided was somehow worse.

"Shawn! Where have you been! We're almost late!" Twilight was fuming.

_Better than when she's sulking, I guess... wait,_"Almost?"

"Princess Luna was held up raising the moon. If she hadn't, you would have been the first foreign diplomat in 100 years to snub the princesses by making them wait on you."

Shawn took a quick peek outside, finding that the sun had fully sunk below the horizon, leaving a beautiful, twilit sky in its wake.

"But we're not late, right?"

"Well, no... but, that's not the po-"

"Sparky, don't be a fascist emperor penguin. No harm, no foul. That's the rule."

"Bu- wha...? You...! I..."

Shawn gave her his best raised eyebrow until she wound down into sullen muttering. At that point, one of the servants started waving a white-clad hoof, signaling for them to enter.

Stepping toward the doorway, Shawn called back, "Come on, you're gonna make us late!"

The rest of Twilight's friends were too busy trying not to giggle to notice the small smile that played across her face for a moment.

_Good._

The seven of them entered the dining room. Well... Shawn was pretty sure it was a dining room. Had he stepped into a Harry Potter movie when he wasn't looking? No, no... Way too colorful. Beauty and the Beast? Less talking furniture more magical lighting.

In either case, the room was gigantic, as if designed to be a banquet hall. Brightly lit, predominantly gold or gold plated, with intricate filigree of various colors and detail, and...

"Tassels..." He shuddered. Rarity, either being the only one within range or possessing superpony hearing when pertaining to fashion, shot him a strange look as she took her place on a cushion at the round table.

Shawn was thankful she had refrained from asking him about it. His irrational fear of tassels was surpassed only by his slightly less irrational (but far greater) fear of pointy objects. Neither were subjects Shawn liked to talk about, seeing as how not even he really understood how or at what point they had developed. They simply had.

Once again, Shawn found himself in the same table-height conundrum that he had back at Sugarcube Corner. He was about to say something to Twilight when he heard a clunk. Looking back, he saw Pinkie Pie giving him an ear-to-ear grin, having just set down what appeared to be the very same stool she'd cobbled together for him back then. He would have felt more touched at the gesture had he not been so busy trying to figure out where in the hell she'd pulled that stool out from.

A servant pony suddenly stepped into view, offering a platter full of tiny sandwiches stuffed with what appeared to be grass, which Shawn declined.

They spent the next few minutes like that, nervously waiting for the arrival of the princesses and filling up on tiny snacks. Or, in Shawn's case, just nervously waiting.

Twilight sat to his left, while two empty cushions lay directly to his right. They were far more embroidered than the others and were the only two left open after the rest of his pony acquaintances had taken their own seats.

Being a detective by trade, it didn't take him long to realize what that meant.

"Uhhhh... Sparky..."

Twilight ignored him, continuing to slowly chew on her tiny sandwich.

"Ugh, fine... Twilight?"

The mare gulped it down and gave him a distracted half-smile, "Yes, Shawn?"

"Why am I sitting next to one of the princesses?"

"That would be because Princess Celestia herself requested that you sit at her left hoof. I imagine she'll want to chat with you."

Shawn digested this for a moment, looking down at the empty plate in front of him.

At seeing this, Twilight's smile widened, "You're not... _nervous_at meeting the princesses, are you?"

Eyes narrowed, Shawn returned Twilight's gaze, "I-"

He was cut off as the large double-doors at the other end of the room swung open and a small, blue unicorn colt stepped through and to the side.

"Presenting: Her majesty, Princess Celestia, Dawnbriger and High Regent of the Court of the Eternal Sun. And her majesty, Princess Luna, Guardian Star and High Regent of the Court of the Ethereal Moon. All rise."

Shawn, Twilight, and the rest of the ponies stood as two large shadows slowly stepped through the grand entrance.

At first, all Shawn could discern about the two figures was that they were tall. One more so than the other, but both considerably above the eye-level of any of the other ponies he'd met so far.

As they stepped further into the light emitted by the floating magical spheres dispersed throughout the room, more details became clear. For once, however, Shawn wasn't looking at the details. He was not fazed by the sheer regal splendor of the two sleek, winged mares of brilliant white and spectral blue. Nor did he pay any mind to their manes, one a soft rainbow of light, the other an endless field of stars, both flowing with an unfelt breeze.

No, what caught his full and undivided attention were the long, majestic, and exceedingly _pointy_looking horns they sported.

Fighting a rising sense of discomfort, Shawn surreptitiously poked at Twilight as the two rulers of Equestria slowly made their way through a double-line of bowing servants to their small table in the center of the room.

"What is it?" she whispered, never taking her eyes off the approaching princesses.

"Do you wanna switch seats? I kinda wanna switch seats."

"What? Why?"

"Me and pointy things... we do don't mix so well."

"What... Are you telling me you're scared of Princess Celestia's horn?"

"I am _not_scared... I just don't trust her not to impale me, accidentally."

In the back of Shawn's mind, one of the bits currently not panicking, he noted that both he and Twilight were starting to whisper faster and louder, eliciting strange looks from the rest of the table.

"How can you... I have a horn too, and you haven't been scared of me!"

"Your horn is fat, tiny, and dull. She's got a pike sticking out of her face!"

"Spear, Shawn. You mean, spear. A pike has a hook sticking out of the back."

"Only if you're fishing with very unusual bait."

"That doesn't make any sense! And my horn is _not_fat!"

"Oh, god... don't tell me that's, like, a thing with you guys. You know what? I take it back. I refuse to be held responsible for your impending bout of hornorexia."

"Shawn, now is not the time for this type of foalishness!"

"Would you prefer a different type of foalishness? I don't even know what that is!"

Before Twilight, who was now sweating bullets, could respond, the princesses finally reached their seats at the table. Shawn tried to scoot his stool over a bit, but found that Twilight's rear hoof was firmly planted on its side.

"Princess Celestia! Thank you so much for inviting all of us to this wonderful dinner! We're _all_very honored to be here." Twilight spoke through a tight smile.

"I'm happy you were able to make it on such short notice, my little ponies." Celestia's own smile was beatific.

"We- I, am glad you were able to attend, as well, Twilight Sparkle." The other princess added in a strained voice.

Shawn was sitting perfectly still, under the assumption that pony goddesses worked somewhat like T. rex, when something about the white princesses's voice struck a chord of memory in his head. He looked up, to find said sun-deity smiling at him.

"You must be Shawn Spencer. I feel like we've met before, with how much Twilight Sparkle has written about you. It is a pleasure to meet you in person."

"She did? I mean... same here?" Flustered, Shawn found that his hand had somehow managed to point itself at the princess. He imagined it was somewhat like trying to shake hands with the Queen of England... only if the Queen were taller than him... and a winged unicorn.

"HA HA HA HA. Oh, Shawn, you're such a kidder! Isn't he such a kidder, Princess?" Twilight cut in, hair now completely in disarray.

"It's quite alright, Twilight Sparkle," Celestia shook her head, an undercurrent of mirth in her voice, before tapping his hand with her hoof. The way she did it, she somehow managed to retain the grace and dignity of her office.

The rest of the ponies looked on, wide-eyed, while Twilight apparently lost motor control of her jaw. Pinkie Pie was happily stuffing her face full of tiny cupcakes.

Shawn was also frozen, having forgotten all fear while a familiar phrase ran laps in his head: _It's quite alright._

_It can't be..._

The princess held her smile as she continued, "I must say, Shawn, you don't look much like what I expected. By Twilight's descriptions, I hadn't pictured you quite as... dressed up."

He nodded over to Rarity, "You can thank her for that."

"Ah, of course. I should have recognized her work sooner. It's been all over Canterlot since her last visit."

The fashionista preened at the praise, while the rest of the ponies seemed to relax a little bit. Pinkie Pie continued barreling through a year's supply of hors d'oeuvres.

Gaining confidence from the pink pony's casual attitude, Shawn continued, "I gotta say, your majesty-"

"Celestia." She interrupted, "This is simply a shared meal between friends, not a formal affair."

"Call us, Luna, as well... please."

Shawn grinned, his suspicions gaining traction, "Celestia and Luna, got it. Anyway, I was just going to say that you don't look anything like I expected either."

"Oh, and what _were_you expecting, Shawn Spencer?"

"Okay, first of all, if we're going by first names, then it's just Shawn... or Slick... or Superfly. Any of those will do."

Celestia's smile widened, almost imperceptibly, while Luna looked at Twilight as if asking for an explanation. The purple mare clearly had none and was back to sweating at the increasingly informal tone of the conversation.

"And second of all, I was expecting someon-pony... somepony like them," he gestured at the rest of the non-royal mares around the table, "Not giant, horned pegasuses. Pegasusus? Pegasususesus..."

"It's pegasi, Shawn." Twilight cut in.

"That."

The seemingly stoic sun-princess cleared her throat, not quite covering the laugh that slipped out, "We are called alicorns."

He nodded, "I guess 'horned pegasus' is a bit of a mouthful."

"It is at that."

The food arrived, cutting the conversation short as the servant ponies presented a veritable banquet of what Shawn assumed were Equestrian delicacies.

There was a brief moment of awkward indecision on his part, which was broken by Celestia simply levitating several portions to her plate, an unsurprisingly golden glow suffusing whatever foods she chose.

And so the meal went.

Various greens were consumed. Pleasantries were exchanged. The story of Shawn's arrival was recounted by those involved. And a surprisingly relaxed and pleasant evening was had by all.

At least, until the very end, when the conversation switched to his job back in his world.

"Twilight had mentioned you were a 'detective' in her letter. An investigator, of sorts, as I understand it." The sun princess addressed him over desert.

"Yup." Shawn was working his way through the most delicious banana split he'd ever tasted.

"I also saw a report from Captain Aegis Fidelis, complaining about your behavior at the scene of a certain... incident earlier this evening."

Shawn nearly choked on a piece of banana, having to take a drink of water to suppress a coughing fit.

The princess waited patiently for him to finish before continuing to speak, though more quietly, "It saddens me terribly when a tragedy like that occurs, as I care deeply for every one of my little ponies." She smiled sadly, "I am old enough to know that I cannot be there for every single one of them in their hour of need, yet I cannot help feeling personally responsible."

_This is exactly what Twilight was trying to tell me,_ Shawn realized, _Three in the last month... must be tearing her up inside. And she probably doesn't even know what really happened._

"Princess-"

"Celestia... please."

"Celestia, that was no su-" Recalling Twilight's reaction, he lowered his voice further, "Suicide."

Her eyes widened, "You think it was an accident, after all?"

"No... That pony was murdered."

A plate crashed to the floor, the servant mare who had been taking his half-finished desert staring at him in horror. Actually, every single set of eyes in the room was now quietly trained on him.

_Well... crap..._

oOo

Captain Aegis Fidelis sat behind his desk, pondering the panoply of notes and reports spread before him.

Diamond Dogs causing disturbances in the trade district that nopony would testify to. Griffon diplomats increasing the number of honor guards stationed in their embassy. A marked increase in the number of fatal accidents happening in unexpected places.

_And three suicides..._

All of it had started roughly a year ago with the official appointment of the ambassador for the United Diamond Dog Tribes.

He couldn't help but feel that it was all connected somehow.

"Captain Aegis, sir."

The captain looked up from his desk, grateful for the distraction from his grim thoughts, "What is it, Lieutenant?"

Lieutenant Gladius stood at attention in front of his desk. The charcoal-grey unicorn mare was one of only 4 currently living ponies who had received a Hero's Title. In his opinion, her valiant actions during the Diamond Dog Rebellion in the south, which had eventually lead to the establishment of their embassy in Canterlot, had merited the high honors.

"We have received a priority-one message via teleportation... directly from her highness, Princess Celestia."

His eyebrows must have disappeared into his helmet, "And the message?"

"It states that Royal Guard Headquarters will 'receive an unscheduled visit from the princesses of the Sun and Moon regarding an important matter.'"

"Interesti-"

"It goes on, sir..."

The captain waited for her as she paused, seemingly trying to puzzle out the rest of the missive.

"She... it states that they will be bringing guests..."

_Oh no..._

"One of whom you are familiar with, though he is new to the city."

_No. No no no no._

"And that you should prepare to present all relevant information regarding the recent rash of... incidents... as you will be working closely with their guests until such time as the investigation into the matter is completed."

Lieutenant Gladius shot him a questioning look as, from his point of view, the whole room took on a distinctive shade of red.

"Thank you, Lieutenant. Dismissed." He forced the words past a stiffened jaw.

She seemed to recognize the signs of his impending fury and quickly stepped out, closing the door behind her.

Every guard-pony in HQ heard the magnificently loud crash that followed, though the only visible reaction was from the quartermaster, who made a note to have a new desk delivered to the captain's office.


	6. In Shawn We Trust

DAY 3 - APPROXIMATELY 2:30 AM - TRADE DISTRICT

"Why does this always happen!"

Feet and hooves pounded down seemingly endless wooden hallways, followed closely by the thumping, shuffling gait of something very large and very angry.

The white unicorn in the lead turned a sharp left around a sudden corner, while the screaming human behind her nearly tripped trying to follow.

Shawn stopped and stared at the empty hallway before him... a dead end. No Rarity in sight.

Out of nowhere, something furry and soft wrapped itself around his neck, dragging him into a small bedroom.

"Aaaaaahhh- mph!"

The girly scream was cut off by a white hoof, as Rarity frantically pulled Shawn toward the window on the other side of the bed. The two hunkered down, Rarity's hoof still firmly planted over his mouth.

"Shawn, I'm going to let go now, darling, but you have to promise to not scream anymore." she whispered.

Shawn slowly nodded his head, letting out a shaky sigh as Rarity got back on all fours. Everything was quiet, giving him hope that their pursuer had passed them by.

Speaking of which.

"What the hell was that thing! It looked like someone crossed a pit bull with a gorilla and raised it on steroids and anger issues!" In spite of his panic, Shawn did his level best to keep his voice down.

"That... is a rather apt description, actually." Rarity mused as she nervously peeked over the bed at the closed door, "They're called diamond dogs. I'm sure Twilight must have mentioned them to you at some point."

"_That's _a diamond dog?"

"Well, what were you expecting, dear? An actual animated, diamond puppy?"

"No, I just-..." Shawn paused, then shook his head, "I'm sitting in a wooden mansion in the middle of the capital city of a peaceful race of talking, technicolored ponies... That rage-fueled violence hurricane that's chasing us doesn't exactly fit the setting."

"I suppose it doesn't," Rarity laughed, "You certainly have a way with descriptions, Mr. Spencer."

"It's a gift." Shawn responded with a rueful half-smile as he got to his feet and tip-toed over to the door. Ever so carefully, he cracked it open the tiniest bit. Just enough to get a look at the hallway outside.

"I think he's gone..." Shawn sighed with relief, before he spotted a large shadow moving slowly from the main hallway. Stifling a yelp, he closed and locked the door behind him before quietly walking back to the bed, "Never mind."

Rarity shot a worried look in the direction of the door before turning to the window. Flipping the latch, she opened it out to the brisk night air and looked around, presumably for some sort of ledge or ladder.

_It is a pretty fantastic view._

Canterlot shone like the night sky, the magical lights that kept the streets well lit reflected on the calm waters of the canal... seven stories below.

"Say... how deep do you think that water is?"

Rarity gave him a strange look, before seeming to realize what he was thinking, "Absolutely not!"

The exclamation left her lips a bit louder than either of them were comfortable with. By unspoken agreement, both sat still and simply listened for a minute, before resuming the conversation... albeit at a much lower volume.

"Do you know what they use that water for, Shawn?"

He shook his head.

"Well, I do." she continued, quietly, "And suffice to say that the situation will have to be far more dire before I resort to such a desperate tactic as jumping into it!"

"Rarity, don't be the only unicorn in a pegasus race-"

"I have been that already."

"It's jus-... wait, really? How did that happen?"

"Shawn, I don't believe this the appropriate time or venue for this conversation." she glanced at the door, then gave him a pointed look.

"Okay, fine. But we're having story-time as soon as we get back... and pancakes... definitely more of those pancakes Applejack makes..."

"I will be more than pleased to share that story with you..." Her half-hearted smile faltered at the thump of approaching footsteps, "But first we'll need to find a way down."

Shawn racked his brain for ideas, but nothing clever came to mind, "Can't you... you know... float us down to the street with your magic or something?"

"I'm not Twilight, darling," she lamented, "At most I might be able to float one of us down."

"Okay, so float yourself down and I'll jump."

Rarity raised a single eyebrow in surprise, "While I appreciate the chivalrous sentiment, you are deluding yourself if you think I'm going to let you ruin that one-of-a-kind ensemble you're wearing." She paused to look back out the window, "Besides, we have no idea how deep that water is. You could end up diving head-first into a puddle."

"Huh..." Shawn hadn't accounted for that, "I totally accounted for that."

Whatever Rarity was going to reply was cut off when the latch on the door started to rattle. Violently.

Shawn shot her a pleading look and pointed to the window, but Rarity looked conflicted for only a moment before shaking her head. Frantic now, he hunted vainly around the room before finally grabbing the top sheet off of the bed and approaching her.

"Ok, how about this... we each hold on to two corners and jump. Between your magic and wind resistance, the sheet will act as a parachute and we should be able to make it to the street."

THUMP

The door shook under a mighty blow, dust swirling as it was blasted from the wooden frame by the impact.

"Will... will that work?" Rarity asked as she looked back and forth between the flimsy-looking sheet and the increasingly flimsy-looking door.

_Not a chance in hell._

THUMP

He'd apologize for ruining the suit later. Assuming he wasn't about to do a high dive into the shallow end of the pool.

"Absolutely! I'm pretty sure I saw this in a cartoon once."

The door had developed an alarmingly large crack right down the center. It probably wouldn't withstand too many more hits.

Rarity bit her lip, but eventually acquiesced, letting Shawn tie the corners of the sheet just above her front hooves. He then helped her balance on the ledge before hopping up himself.

THUMP, CRACK

"Ok, on three. Ready?" Shawn asked.

Rarity closed her eyes and nodded, her horn beginning to glow a faint blue.

"One."

_Sorry, but there's no way I'm letting you take the fall for my screwup._

"Two."

CRASH

Shards of wood pelted them as Shawn shoved the white unicorn from the ledge. Rarity squealed, reflexively activating the slowing spell she'd been preparing on herself, while the poorly tied sheet blew away in the wind.

Maybe it was the fear, or the adrenaline rush that it triggered... whatever the case, Shawn's eye for detail sprung into overdrive, even noting the shape and size of the flying piece of wood that scraped across his forehead as he turned to take one last look at his assailant.

"God, you're ugly."

Then he tipped over.

oOo

10:00 PM (4.5 HOURS EARLIER)

The tinkling and clanging of plates and platters settling on the polished marble flooring echoed through the massive chamber.

Shawn cringed as the gazes of servants and princesses alike only added to the stifling atmosphere that now permeated the room. The looks themselves varied from simple curiosity to wide-eyed horror... the latter prominently displayed on the face of the grayish servant mare that had been trying to relieve him of his half-finished banana split.

"M... Mu-Mur-..."

"More banana split! I would love some!" Shawn yelled at the top of his lungs.

The maid stared at him, startled out of her shocked stuttering. Uncertain now, she looked back at the white princess, who smiled reassuringly.

It was a brilliant maneuver. Shawn could practically see the gears turning in the little mare's head: Of course she'd misheard. The princess and her guest had been whispering... and there were a lot of other conversations happening at the table. Why, he could have said anything! But not murder. The princess wouldn't smile like that, otherwise.

At the same volume, Shawn continued, "As I was saying, princess... and then I said: heard'er? I don't even know'er!" He let out a shaky laugh, which was met with confused looks all around.

Nevertheless, the maid shook her head and got to cleaning up the mess, which acted as the trigger for the rest of the room to resume normal conversation. Shawn sighed and turned back around... to two large, deep-purple eyes literally inches from his own.

"Are you sure about this, Shawn Spencer?" All traces of humor were gone, replaced with a powerfully commanding tone that _demanded_the truth from him.

At that moment, Shawn didn't have the slightest doubt that the being before him was as wise and ancient as Twilight claimed. He couldn't look away. He couldn't think of lying or softening the truth. He could barely think at all.

"Yes."

The princess held his gaze for a moment more, before sighing deeply and looking away, "I had hoped you were not."

Suddenly able to breathe again, Shawn studied the ceiling in an effort to avoid any further eye contact. Whatever had just happened, it had made him feel... _uncomfortable_.

"You must understand. My little ponies are an inherently peaceful and happy race. War has been unknown to them for nearly three thousand years. In all that time, nopony has ever been killed in anger."

Shawn's eyebrows rose at that, "Wait, but then how do they even know the word?"

Celestia hummed, her horn glowing slightly as she brought a cup of tea to her lips, "Our neighboring nations are... not as peaceful. Stories of the diamond dogs' tribal feuds and the Griffonian Empire's campaigns against them are taught in our schools. However, I have exerted much effort and influence over the centuries to insure that my ponies were not caught up in any of the serious disputes."

The princess paused, as another banana split was set in front of Shawn by the maid. He flashed her a smile in thanks before she trotted back to the kitchens.

"Considering your occupation, I cannot accept that your arrival during these trying times was coincidence. Your eyes are familiar with death... you are haunted by it, but you seek it all the same." She smiled at him sadly, "Perhaps it was your fate to come here when you did."

Thinking back to the events of the last few days, Shawn shrugged, "I'm not really big on all that destiny stuff."

"Whatever the case may be, I am forced to ask you for your assistance in this. A storm is brewing on our horizon... I can sense it, and I cannot take the time away from my preparations to investigate this matter myself."

Shawn opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off.

"Do not answer me now. This is not the kind of thing to be discussed over dessert. We will speak of this afterwards."

"Uhhhh... sure thing, your majesty."

Celestia gave him a disappointed look.

"Oh, okay. I guess we're done with the whole foreboding, ancient sun-goddess thing, then?"

The foreboding, ancient sun-goddess smiled and nodded.

"Right. Just... you know... next time, start glowing or something so I know whenever you activate god-mode."

His comment was rewarded by a tinkling laugh, though it had only been half-joking... Shawn's eyes still itched from whatever Celestia's stare had done. Still, there was nothing he could do about it, so he shrugged it off as just another part of the inter dimensional experience.

Eventually, dessert was wrapped up, along with all the polite dinner conversation. Celestia called a guard pony over to take down a message and deliver it to Royal Guard HQ, then motioned for Twilight and the rest to follow her and Luna.

After a few minutes of walking, they came upon another chamber, this one much more subtle in its majesty. The point here was not to impress a guest with opulence, but rather to convey a sense of comfortable luxury. Plush carpeting covered the floor and books lined every wall except one, which seemed to be reserved for the coziest looking fireplace Shawn had ever seen. Not that he'd seen that many fireplaces.

The princesses conversed quietly with each other for a minute, Luna glancing over at Shawn with narrowed eyes several times.

_Gee, I wonder what they're talking about... _The sarcastic thought came unbidden.

A hoof tapped his leg and he looked down to find Twilight looking up at him earnestly, "Shawn, what's going on?"

"What makes you think I know?"

She rolled her eyes at him, "Oh, come on, any filly could tell this has something to do with whatever you and the princess talked about during dinner."

"Huh..."

Twilight raised an eyebrow at the thoughtful look on his face, "... you _really _didn't think we'd notice?"

Looking around at the rest of the mares there, he could see wry grins and small smiles on every face as they sat next to him. Shawn was ashamed to admit it, but he'd let himself underestimate just how observant these ponies were... especially after what happened in the alley.

"Okay, to be fair, I've just kind of been winging it since I got here..."

"Suga'cube, somethin' tells me ya been wingin' it since the th'day you were born." Applejack piped in, with a grin, to muted laughter all around.

Shawn tried to look insulted, but could only smile at the jab, "You wound me, madam. I'll have you know, I always have a plan... I just choose to do things the fun way."

"The _fun way_!" Twilight put on a mock horrified voice, "What in Celestia's name could be fun about having no plan? Planning for contingencies is half the fun of-"

"Yeah, yeah, okay, Twi. We get it, you like to organize stuff," Rainbow Dash cut her off, floating casually over to Shawn, before hitting him with a hard look, "What I wanna know is what the hay you and the princess were talking about."

"This has to do with whatever awful business traumatized poor Twilight back in the alley, doesn't it?" Now even Rarity was up in his face.

The aforementioned purple pony blanched, but, with a deep breath and a gulp, seemed to recover quickly.

"Look, I just-"

"And what was up with that Guard Captain getting so angry at you, anyway!" Rainbow Dash cut him off too, poking his chest with a hoof.

"Well, it's not-"

"And when did you and the princess get on such friendly terms?" Rarity followed up with her own poke to his stomach.

"I don't really see what-"

"Oooo, is this a new game? I wanna play, too!"

The number of ponies crowding Shawn increased by one bouncy, pink mare, who was now poking him repeatedly in the ribs. To his great misfortune, the first such poke caught Shawn by surprise and elicited a squeaking wheeze instead of his planned response. Of course, this only encouraged the mare to poke harder.

The end result was that by the time the two princesses finished their private conversation, they turned to find a most unusual scene.

An increasingly frustrated Shawn was backing up, trying to cover his ribs from Pinkie Pie's continuous assault without tripping over the cushions that littered the floor. Rarity and Rainbow Dash were following right behind the pink mare, shooting questions at him rapid-fire, while Twilight and Applejack looked on in obvious disbelief at how quickly the situation had degenerated into this... mess. Fluttershy, for her part, anxiously observed the whole affair from her seat by the fire.

"WE DEMAND YOU DESIST THIS FOALISHNESS AT ONCE!" The booming voice of the lunar princess shook several books from the walls and quite literally knocked Shawn on his ass.

The mares reacted immediately, nervously standing at attention in a group while Celestia shot her sister a long-suffering glance.

"Ahem... thank you, sister. Now, everypony, please take a se-"

"WHAT!" Shawn yelled. All he could hear was a high pitched whine and muffled sounds, as if he'd made the mistake of standing near the speakers at a particularly loud dance club for too long.

"WHO SET OFF A BOMB IN HERE? OH GOD, I THINK MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!" He shook his head and got to his feet, only to get yanked on his ass again by Twilight, who had pulled him over by his vest to sit with the rest of the group.

"WHAT'S GOING ON, ARE THE PRINCESSES DONE-" Shawn stopped as his head was engulfed in a bright, yellow glow. Warmth spread inwards from his ears and, just like that, his hearing returned to normal. He looked over to Celestia, a thank you on his lips, only to see a mildly annoyed frown and a soft glow suffusing her entire form.

_Right, that's definitely a hint._

"I will now ask that everypony _please_refrain from shouting," Celestia's frown became a wry smile at her sister's embarrassed cough, "Now, girls, I think I can answer your questions for you... one at a time."

When none of the others spoke up, Twilight stepped forward, "What is this about, princess? Does it have to do with the... s-suicide?"

In spite of the stutter, Twilight actually managed to maintain her composure as she asked. The rest of the mares, however, had not had any time to become accustomed to the idea and her revelation was met with a chorus of gasps and tears. Or, in Fluttershy's case, outright fainting.

Shawn sat quietly as Celestia and Twilight comforted the rest of the mares, suddenly uncomfortable with the intimate atmosphere. Nothing quite like a true display of affection between friends to make one feel like an intruder.

Death was something everyone dealt with differently. Some, like Lassie, resorted to professionalism. Others, like Gus, ran away screaming. Shawn liked to make jokes... it was pretty much how he dealt with everything that made him uncomfortable, in fact.

_Huh... where did that come from?_

He tried to shake the grim thoughts off, going back over the crime scene again in his mind. In spite of his confidence in that there had been foul play involved, there were several things that didn't add up about the whole thing. Primarily, the the Cap'n's absolutely certainty that it had been some sort of suicide.

To Shawn, that was a nonsensical conclusion. It would make much more sense for someone to dismiss the event as some sort of tragic accident. Peop- ponies probably tripped all the time. And if someone didn't spot the tell-tales that he had, it would be easy to confuse the scene for a careless misstep near a badly-built window. After all, somebody had gone to great lengths to make sure that that's what it looked like. All that being said, the Cap'n must know or have something Shawn didn't. Some other piece of evidence that pointed him in that direction... and Shawn needed to know what that was.

_A witness, maybe?_ He started to put the scene together in his mind, _Whoever did it obviously doesn't have any problems getting their hands dirty. If there is a witness, I'm going to need to find him before the perp does._It was a sobering thought.

"Shawn...?"

He was snapped out of his reverie by a purple hoof waving back and forth in front of his face, _I guess they're done hugging it out..._

"Yeah? Sorry, are we all good?" Shawn replied and looked around.

Twilight bit her lip and nodded, glancing over at the other mares. They sat in a group next to the princesses, some, like Fluttershy, still on the verge of tears. Still, the mutual support seemed to have done its job, and they all looked determined to keep going.

"The princess here told us what ya told her." Applejack's face was plastered with an uncharacteristically grim scowl.

Out of all of them, Shawn would not have expected the laid back farm pony to turn out to be the emotional pillar.

"Is it true?" Dash's head, ironically, hung the lowest of the bunch, "That somepony... _m-murdered_... that colt?" She gulped audibly.

They all winced at the word. Even Pinkie Pie, who was quietly frowning and staring into the fireplace. If anything really brought home how shocking this all must have been to them, that definitely did it for Shawn. He wasn't sure how to respond to that... chances were that his usual joking manner would be even less welcome in this situation than it was back home.

Fortunately, Celestia took the matter off his hands.

"Twilight Sparkle. Rarity. Rainbow Dash. Applejack. Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie," Celestia nodded to each in turn, waiting for them to meet her eyes before going to the next, "Twice in the past I have asked much from all of you... I have always been deeply regretful of being unable to shield you from the dangers you faced for our sake... for everypony's sake. And yet, twice in the past you have all proven yourselves and your friendship to be more than a match for the dangers that threatened our land."

She paused, the glow about her growing a little brighter.

"You are heroes to all ponies. You are the Elements of Harmony... the last bastion of defense for Equestria. And, once again, I must ask you to undertake a dangerous task on my behalf. However, this time you will have a little help." The sun princess smiled over at Shawn, who stood up and stuck his hands in his pockets, "Shawn... I would like your answer now."

Every pony in the room looked at him expectantly... and he smiled.

"My going rate's about twelve hundred dollars a day... but I guess I can work this one pro-bono. I've always wanted to work with real-life superheroes anyway."

oOo

Night was well under way by the time they all arrived at the Royal Guard Headquarters.

Shawn had to admit, it was a damned impressive building. It straddled one of the many canals that cut through the city, a walled, castle-like structure that stared imposingly over the rest of the skyline. He guessed that the tall tower in the center probably commanded one of the best views in Canterlot short of the princesses' own chambers.

As they passed through the main gate, an affair of thick, crisscrossed iron bars, Shawn couldn't help but admire the simple, yet functional theme of the architecture. It was the first building he'd seen so far that wouldn't have seemed entirely out of place in a swords & sorcery type movie.

The long double-line of white pegasi, grey unicorns, and brown earth ponies all in shining, golden armor certainly help set a somber mood to the whole thing.

"Psst, hey Sparks," he whispered.

"Ugh... Shawn... please, I'd rather that didn't catch on."

"Really? I think it's a great superhero name. Think about it: Psych-man and Sparks, the didactic duo!"

"Didactic? I do kind of like the sound of that..."

Shawn stopped for a moment, confused at her reaction, _Wait... that can't be right... did I use the right word?_Not for the first time, he wished Gus was there to correct him.

"Right... anyway, I was going to ask why all the guards look the same. I mean, I don't think I've seen two ponies with the same color scheme... but every pegasus in armor has a white coat and no mark."

"... You mean cutie mark?"

"I am not saying that."

Twilight rolled her eyes, "That's what they're called, Shawn. And the guards are no different from any other pony. They actually come in all colors and from all backgrounds, though they often have special talents that are geared for their work as a guard... it's what attracts them to the job in the first place." Naturally settling into the lecture, she continued, "The armor they wear is actually enchanted to make them look like that. It's essentially part of the uniform. I hear it makes it easier to separate the job from their normal lives."

"Huh..." It seemed like a sensible tradition... although he couldn't help making mental comparisons to storm troopers.

Before Shawn knew it, they were in the lobby of the main tower he'd been admiring before. In contradiction with the rough looking exterior, the inside was designed more like the large rooms of the castle, though relatively spartan. Even as every surface was made of marble and polished to a mirror finish, the only gold in the room was concentrated into an enormous shield hanging on the back wall. The massive emblem was engraved with the sun princess's cutie mark and the words: "Intemporaliter Invictus Solis".

Noticing Shawn's confusion, Twilight piped in, "It's ancient Equestrian. Roughly translated, it means 'Eternally Unconquerable Sun'."

"Ancient Equestrian... it just looks like Latin to me."

"It would. The translation spell I cast on you actively converts other languages, spoken or written, into an analogous version it recognizes from your mind. I developed it myself, actually... the mages here tell me that my use of the layered arcane-matrix model to handle the search and definition process was inspi-"

"Latin it is, then!"

Twilight scowled at him, but her ire was short-lived.

He was probably not the first one to have picked up the habit of cutting off her lectures before they gained any real steam. Besides, he had a very good reason to interrupt her. They had finally come to what appeared to be the work area, where many ponies (mostly unicorns) would sit at their desks and shuffle paperwork. The whole setup was eerily similar to what he had come to expect from a police station back home, though the space was much more open and well-lit. And still marble...

_Good god, how much marble and gold do these ponies have?_

At the moment, every pony in the room was lined up in rows near the back wall, with the Cap'n himself and a mare in slightly less ornate armor standing at attention in front.

"Hey, Cap'n Jeebus! You're looking enraged as ever."

Every jaw in the room dropped, with Twilight herself giving him a look that made him wonder if he had somehow managed to spontaneously grow another head... which also happened to be on fire. The rest of the guard ponies merely looked as if he'd casually pulled the pin on a grenade and was currently balancing it on his nose... except for Celestia, who, he noted, had turned her head to cough politely into her hoof.

"What? He does..." Shawn muttered defensively.

And he really did. If the stiff jaw, grinding teeth, and rigid posture weren't clue enough, the red discoloration showing through his brilliant white fur certainly gave it away.

"Mr. Spencer. How... _nice_... to see you again." The Cap'n's voice was strained in a strangely similar fashion to princess Luna's... as if he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, but was restraining himself.

Shawn made a mental note to leave whenever the princesses did.

"Your majesties," The Cap'n continued, "It is an absolute honor to have you here. Can I ask as to the purpose of your visit?"

"Did you not receive our message, Captain Aegis Fidelis?" Celestia cocked her head at him.

"I... did," Aegis admitted, "I had been holding out some hope, however, that it was some sort of error or prank."

"The death of one of my little ponies is not a subject that I would ever take lightly, Captain."

"Of course, your majesty..." Wincing at the light rebuke, the Cap'n nodded his head at one of the rooms, "Please, follow me."

Shawn followed the others into what appeared to be a conference room with a large, oval table taking up most of the space. Having no stool this time, Shawn chose to stand between Twilight and princess Celestia.

A small group of unicorn guards (including the mare in the fancy armor) filed in and stood behind the Cap'n, who sat on the other side of the table from the princesses. While the others found their seats, Shawn took a moment to review what he knew... this was going to be a difficult case to make, having had almost no access to any evidence. Still, he should be able to get things rolling, so long as the princess backed him up.

Celestia started the meeting with a nod to the Cap'n and his guards, "I want to begin by saying that my sister and I cannot begin to express how much we appreciate your many years of service to the thrones. We trust your judgement and intentions absolutely, so we will not force you to pursue this matter any further if you do not deem it necessary after this meeting."

_BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLS!_

"That being said, we have come across some additional information and resources that you might find useful," At this point, the princess graced Shawn with her most benign smile.

"With all due respect, your highness... if you trust my judgement on this matter, as you have in the past, then you must trust me when I say that this case is undeniably closed." The Cap'n's rebuttal lacked much of its usual gruffness, though none of its directness.

"I understand that, Captain. However, it has come to my attention that our visitor had an... unintended opportunity to closely inspect the scene of the event."

_Three guesses at who submitted that report..._

She waited for the Cap'n to nod before continuing, "It has also come to my attention that, back on his world, Shawn is what is called a 'private detective'. As I am given to understand, the equivalent of the Royal Guard of his nation occasionally hire him to help solve cases they cannot," She paused and looked directly at the Cap'n', "You, more than anypony, knows that it is impossible to lie while looking me or my sister in the eyes. Shawn looked into my eyes and assured me that what happened to that poor merchant pony was not suicide... but _murder_."

To his credit, the Cap'n did not flinch at the word, though every other guard grew wide-eyed for a moment.

"These are certainly very pertinent facts, princess, and I understand now why you wished to call this to my attention," He paused and a corner of his mouth twitched into a frown, "However, I must call some things into question. Though we know he _believes_he is telling the truth, couldn't he simply be wrong? We know nothing of the world he comes from, or how good he actually is at his job there. Tell us, Shawn, have you ever even solved a case before?"

Twilight's eyes had gotten wide. Obviously the mare had never even thought to ask these questions and was probably kicking herself for not doing so. The rest of her friends were also giving him dubious looks.

_You're sharp, Cap'n, I'll give you that. I'd even give you the point if you weren't about to set me up for the spike..._

Shawn stayed quiet, giving the stallion only a smug smile and a wink in return.

The goad worked, and the Cap'n's look darkened as he continued, "Even barring all that. Our guest, here, didn't get a look at _all_the evidence. In fact, I happen to have a-"

"I'm getting something!" Shawn shouted, slamming one hand on the table and bringing the other one to his forehead.

Every pony in the room, even the princesses, gave him startled looks.

"Uhhh... sorry, force of habit..." Shawn dropped his hand and coughed before continuing, "You have a witness."

"That's right! We have... a... wit-..." The Cap'n trailed off, actually, genuinely speechless.

"How..." The mare behind Aegis choked out.

_And the gamble pays off... I love it when I'm right._

"That one was easy," Slowly, Shawn began to pace around the table, all eyes on him, "I got a good look at that scene... the obvious answer, considering what ponies are like, would be that it was an accident. But, by the time we got there, the guards had already jumped to the conclusion that it was a suicide... and not the first one."

Shawn's mind flashed back to the Cap'n standing in front of that nervous private, then behind Shawn himself:_"That's the third one this month..."_; _"Of course not. It was a suicide."_

"The only way someone- erm- somepony would think that, is if they talked to somepony who saw it happen."

The Cap'n nodded grudgingly, a thoughtful look on his face, "You're right about the witness... but, then, what makes you think it was murder?"

"I'm getting to that... first, though, I need to defend my culpability-"

"Credibility, Shawn."

"I've heard it both ways."

Twilight brought a hoof to her face, though Shawn was honestly surprised that she hadn't seen it coming by now.

"Anyway," Shawn continued as he walked up to the four standing unicorn guards, rubbing his hands together, "This is where I show off a little."

Pointing to one after the other, from left to right, Shawn spoke to each guard, "Happy birthday. Hope you remembered to feed your dog this morning. Don't worry, newbie, I'm sure you'll do fine here. You should lay off the late-night partying during the week if you don't want to create awkward situations with your boss."

All four ponies stared at him, dumb-struck, as he continued, "Before you ask, no, I'm not psychic." He pointed to the first one, the mare with the elaborate armor, "You have a tiny bit of glitter on your hooves, which, along with the small stack of presents that were sitting on the largest desk on the floor out there, means that either you're a really popular party animal or you've got something to celebrate."

Pointing to the next one, "There are long, tan colored hairs shed by something about knee-height all over your legs. Since you didn't take the time to brush them off and you've also been staring at the clock since before we came in here... you probably left in a hurry this morning. If I had to guess, I'd say you're worried you didn't leave enough food out for the dog before you rushed out."

And the next, "This guy's armor's so polished, you could eat off it. Your steps and stances are all really rigid, which is easy to see when you're standing next to a bunch of veterans that could march in their sleep. And you flinch every time either the Cap'n or miss boss over here," He nodded at the mare again, "Even look at you."

And the last one, "The matching glitter on your hooves means you probably went to the same party as miss boss over there. The bags beneath your eyes mean you probably didn't get a whole lot of sleep. And for somepony who's standing as far as he possibly can from his boss at all times, you sure do shoot a lot of uncomfortable looks her way..."

The pony in question turned beet red through his armor, while miss boss-mare coughed politely into her hoof.

As for the rest of the room... well, they were very quiet.

_God, I've always wanted to do that. _Playing psychic had some advantages, but having to attribute his talent to magical powers wasn't one of them.

"Whoa..." Rainbow Dash finally breathed out, giving the signal for the rest of the ponies to start moving again.

"Shawn..." Twilight spoke up, "Just... how many cases _have you_ solved back on your world?"

"Hmmm... Just under a hundred, maybe? Although only about 80 or so were actual murders."

The room went deathly silent again. Only, this time, rather than impressed looks, Shawn caught a lot of horrified glances and... was that pity? He wasn't sure what to think about that.

"So much death..." Surprisingly, it was Luna who spoke out this time. The strain was gone from her voice, replaced by a tiredness that he hadn't heard there before.

"Oh, Shawn... I'm so sorry..." Even Fluttershy's timid voice rang clearly.

_What... are they serious? It's not like those were people... I... knew..._ That's when it struck him. The core difference in the way these ponies thought from the way he did. For Shawn (and mankind in general), there are only so many people he could possibly bring himself to personally, truly care about. His family, his friends, and maybe some relatively close acquaintances. When he worked a murder, the victim was just that: a victim, a body, evidence. But never a _person_.

These ponies were different. To them, every pony's death was as emotionally jarring as the death of a loved one... because they genuinely cared for life _that_much. It explained the ludicrously low suicide rate and the non-existent murder rate. It explained their reactions to such a brazen statement as: "I've personally been around 80 different people who suffered violent deaths". He may as well have said his entire town had burnt down around his ears.

Before anypony could actually step forward to hug him, and Shawn thought some of them might try to do just that, the sun princess spoke up, "Well... Captain. I think we've all heard enough for tonight. Should I be given to understand that you will be bringing Shawn and the Elements into this investigation?"

The cap'n nodded. Slowly, grudgingly, and grimly... but, by god, he nodded.

Celestia gave Shawn a sad smile, "We would all very much like to hear the reasons for your conclusion, Mr. Spencer. However, it is very late and the last few hours have proven very stressful for some of us," At that, she looked over at Twilight and her friends, "Tomorrow, you will be given full access to all evidence, including the witness, so you can properly confirm and present your suspicions to us. In the meantime, everypony should try to get some sleep."

The order was greeted with nods all around as the guard ponies, along with Luna, stood up and filed out of the room. Before Shawn could follow, he was stopped by a large, white wing spreading across his path.

"Shawn... any world can seem dark when one looks at only one aspect of it. I want you to know that we will not judge it... or you... by what was said here today."

Shaking his head, Shawn was about to dismiss the idea when he was pulled into a hug by that same wing and its counterpart.

_Soft._That was all he could think for a moment, before he was released.

"Hey... uhhh... thanks for the thought, princess... but it's really not as bad as all that. I actually love my job."

Celestia smiled at him and nodded, before motioning to Twilight and her friends, who were waiting patiently by the door.

He walked with them in silence, all the way back to the rooms they'd been assigned at the palace. In spite of his best efforts, he somehow ended up on the receiving end of several hugs, which he bore with as much grace as he could. His intention had been to impress, not garner pity... although, it did feel nice to be emotionally supported every so often.

_Huh... where did that come from?_

oOo

It was roughly two in the morning when Shawn snuck out of his room.

He had found himself lying on a massive, four-poster bed, entirely unable to sleep. The thought that something was running around killing innocent ponies had prevented him from finding rest. And there was no longer any question in his mind about two things: One, whatever was doing it was most certainly _not_a pony; And, two, he was going to have to get the Royal Guard to reopen those other two 'suicide' cases.

_Three suicides in a month and one of them turns out to be a murder in disguise... I'll take better than even money the other two turn out the same._

So, he found himself meandering through the streets of Canterlot, a half-eaten apple in his hand from a helpful night-shift maid. It boggled his mind that not a single guard had questioned his sudden desire to go for a night-time walk through the trade district. Though it was difficult to navigate the streets at night, even with directions, eventually he came to the very same alley that had temporarily housed the body.

Some industrious janitor pony had spot-cleaned the place, which would have horrified Shawn had he not already guessed that ponies didn't have very much in the way of investigative forensics. Hopefully, whatever notes they'd taken combined with that witness would give him enough to go on. Well, that and whatever else he happened to find tonight.

"Shawn?"

He whipped around, nearly choking on his apple, as the very familiar voice of one very white fashionista unicorn came from directly behind him.

"What in Celestia's name are you doing all the way out here so late?" Rarity stepped forward into the light from one of the streetlamps, an accusing tone in her voice.

"Uhhhh... I needed some air?"

"You could have gone to your room's balcony for some air. Try again, dear."

"... I like to walk?"

"And I'm to believe that you ended up at the scene where you claim a murder was committed entirely by accident? Because you wanted to go out for a walk?"

"... Yes?"

She stared at him, eyes narrowed, until he threw up his hands.

"Fine, I wanted to take a look inside the building."

"You mean... the one that pony jum-... was thrown from?"

"No, the coffee shop across the street." He deadpanned.

"Well, I never! There's no need to be cross, Mr. Spencer. I was merely worried about you!"

A thought clicked, "Wait... how did _you_end up all the way out here?"

Rarity paused, coughed, then paused again, "I... may have followed you... just a teensy bit..."

Shawn gave her an arch look before chuckling, "Well... we're all the way out here. Would be a shame to go back without at least taking a look."

"Darling, that building has been abandoned for years. It's not going anywhere. Is there a reason we can't simply come back in the morning when decent ponies are awake and about?"

"Wait... for years? What the hell was that merchant doing in there, then?"

"Language, Mr. Spencer! And... I couldn't tell you. Real-Estate perhaps?"

Shaking his head, Shawn tested the nearest door to find it locked. It was the same with every window he tried.

"Well, it looks like we're not getting inside tonight. Why don't we head back, have some relaxing tea, and get a full night's rest?" Rarity piped in cheerfully... until she saw Shawn pick up a rock, "Oh, no, please don't do what I think you're about to-"

SMASH

"-do."

Glass tinkled on wooden floors as Shawn used the rock to clear the remaining shards from the frame. Looking around furtively, he hopped through the now-empty frame and started exploring the inside of the massive, wooden complex.

Eventually, Rarity joined him, now angrily muttering with puffed cheeks about hasty, interdimensional monkeys and what the likely punishment was for breaking and entering.

"You know, if you stopped whining and helped me find some stairs, we could get out of here sooner." He whispered.

Rarity shot him a dirty look, but started checking doors nonetheless.

As they made their way deeper and deeper into the mansion in their hunt of the fifth floor, Shawn started to lose track of where they were. There were so many identical hallways with no decorations, that he resorted to scratching marks into the wood every time they made a new turn. He was actually in the process of making one of these marks when he first heard talking.

It was not a language he recognized, though he could have sworn it sounded Germanic. Whatever it was, it was guttural and rhythmic, as if the throat that made the noises was designed for growling more than speaking.

Shawn motioned for Rarity to be quiet, though the unicorn had stayed miraculously silent through most of the latter half of the expedition. He made his way over to a window and looked down... seventh floor. They were nowhere near the right window, although this might end up being a lucky break, regardless.

Curiosity overcoming his sense of self-preservation, Shawn put his ear to the door and listened. Most of it was unintelligible growls, but there were a few Equestrian words thrown in. It sounded like one creature... talking to itself?

"-ake... pony... GROWL SNARL SNARL... Celestia... SNARL GROWL SNARL... _human_... GROWL SNARL... die!" Shawn's eyebrows crawled up his forehead.

"What's it saying?" Rarity whispered, as she stepped closer.

Waving her back, Shawn tried to move away from the door as carefully as he could.

CRRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAK

_Oh, you have_ got _to be kidding me._

The noises from the room had stopped, though Shawn still held out hope that whatever was in there would just shrug it off as the house settling.

The heavy thumps of approaching footsteps disabused him of the notion.

"Run..."

oOo

SPLASH

Shawn hit the water _hard_. That piece of wood that nearly lobotomized him had completely messed up his dive, so that he ended up landing back first. Like anyone who has landed horizontally in water after a fall of any significant height will tell you... that kind of an impact will knock all the fight (and air) right out of you.

So when Shawn found himself completely disoriented, blind, and underwater with empty lungs, he rightfully thought that he wasn't going to be coming back up. Interestingly enough, his own death did not worry him as much as the thought that the ponies would be emotionally afflicted with yet another casualty, though this time because he had been too stubborn to not get the last word.

Suddenly, his world became a vibrant shade of purple and he found himself on his knees, heaving and coughing freezing water onto cobblestones.

"Shawn! Are you alright!" Twilight's concerned shout rang in his ears.

"Hold on, suga'cube! Ah'll get that water outta ya!"

He coughed, then suddenly expelled every bit of water and air left in his lungs as a crushing weight pushed him into the ground. With a gasp, he managed to flip himself over.

"Oh! Oh, my!" Yellow hooves inspected him, carefully prodding and poking for any possible broken bones.

"Is he gonna be okay?"

"Don't worry, Rainbow, I think I got him out in time... You go find a nurse while we keep an eye on him."

"Got it! I'll be back in ten seconds, flat!" A flap of wings and a burst of wind followed.

Having managed to start breathing normally again, Shawn took the opportunity to open his eyes... to find Rarity's furious glare directly above him.

"Shawn Spencer, how could you!"

He laughed, then coughed, "Sorry... guess I ruined the suit."

Tears in her eyes, Rarity poked him in the chest, _hard_, "I don't care about the bucking outfit! You lied to me! You could have died and it would have been _my_fault!"

"You got a funny way of looking at things, you know that?" Shawn slowly sat up to see the rest of the ponies, except for Rainbow Dash, looking on in concern.

"What... what exactly happened in there?" Twilight asked as she stepped up to his other side from Rarity, helping him get to his feet.

"I'll tell you when we get back. Right now, I only have one thing in mind..."

"... which is?"

Shawn looked around at the ponies and grinned, "Who's up for some midnight pancakes?"

5


	7. Slum Dog Murderer

"Dad, dad, look! I found the last Easter egg!"

Henry Spencer looked at his young son over his newspaper, not quite hiding a smirk, "Oh? You think so, huh?"

He sat in the kitchen of his humble home, the light of late afternoon lancing through the windows as a ceiling fan sputtered vainly overhead.

The 9 year-old paused, looking back down at his latest prize with a puzzled expression.

"I... I think I did...?"

"Tell me, Shawn, how many eggs have I hidden the past three years?" Henry asked, his soft, scratchy voice belying the strength and authority of the man himself.

"Umm..." Though he was now less confident in his accomplishment, Shawn nevertheless persevered in defending it, "Three years ago I found 6. The year after that it was... 7. And last year, it was 8. You always hide one more every year! And This is the ninth egg!"

A single bushy, blond eyebrow approached Henry's already receding hairline, "Well, it sounds to me like you found a pattern! Congratulations!"

Shawn grinned and started to pump his fist in celebration, but was stopped as Henry continued.

"Now, hold on there, don't start celebrating yet. There's one more question I want to ask you..." The old cop motioned for his son to move closer as he leaned down, "What makes you so sure I'd stick to a pattern?"

"Well I... I-I... uhhh...!" The poor kid started with enthusiasm, but then stuttered to a stop as the realization hit him. Shawn had seen the pattern, but never confirmed it with his dad... he'd simply assumed it was true.

"And, more importantly, what makes you think you found every egg I hid the past three years?"

Now on the verge of tears, Shawn plopped his prize back in the basket at his feet.

"But daaaaaaaad," he whined, "It's two weeks past Easter! And you always said that-..." A new thought made him pause.

Henry could practically see the gears turning in his son's head. It was a sight that he both welcomed and encouraged in Shawn, especially when it would inevitably lead to the confirmation of a new life lesson he was trying to teach the boy.

"... you always said that I couldn't stop looking until I found them all or..."

"Or?"

"... or until time was up. But you never told me what the time limit was."

Grinning, Henry tussled Shawn's hair with one hand as he picked up his coffee with the other, "So...?"

"So, you weren't hiding more eggs! I was just finding more of them before the two week time limit was up every year!" Shawn yelled out, beaming with pride at his deduction.

The elder Spencer chuckled and nodded, then suddenly got serious, "Listen up, Shawn. Sometimes, things look like they're part of a pattern. And, sometimes, they are," He took a sip of his coffee as Shawn bit down on one of his chocolate eggs, "But, it's always important to make sure that you're seeing the _right_pattern... if there even is one at all."

The young boy nodded sagely for a moment before frowning, "Wait... but then..."

Shawn blanched as his father grinned.

"I always hide the same number of eggs. You just haven't found them all, yet."

With a sigh, Shawn turned to grab a new egg from the basket, but his hand was met with a bone-chilling cold. He tried to yank it away with a yelp, but was unable to... something had taken his hand in a vicious, painful grip and was dragging him into the increasingly ominous-looking container.

"Dad, help!"

Henry sat there, a mocking, frozen grin on his face as he watched his son slowly get pulled into the black maw.

Despite his cries and struggles, Shawn's head eventually entered the dark passageway just as the hell-basket sprouted various rows of pointy, dark teeth.

_**CROSS ME AND DIE!**_

The words rang in his ears as the teeth came down on his neck.

oOo

"GAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-OOF!"

Shawn's breath was knocked entirely out of him as he belly-flopped from his bed onto soft carpeting. He sat up, breathing hard and sweating. The silk sheets were tangled in his limbs and he held his small pillow in a death-drip. For a moment, Shawn sat in the darkness, waiting for the shakes to leave him so he could try to stand.

The rapid thumping of hooves on wood preceded the slam of his door being violently forced open. Rainbow Dash burst into the room, floating in the air with front hooves up in what Shawn could have sworn was a boxing stance.

"Don't worry, Shawn! Rainbow Dash is here to save you!" She yelled and looked around, trying to spot whatever enemy had been assaulting her drinking-buddy, "Get out here, monster, so I can buck you into outer-space!"

_Wait... what did she say?_

Dumbfounded, Shawn could only stare as the pegasus shadow-boxed in the air before seeming to realize that there was nothing in the room to fight.

"Must have run away." she muttered, then landed to approach Shawn, "You okay?"

Looking up at her from his sitting position, Shawn opened his mouth to respond when several new sets of hoofsteps announced the arrival of Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and, surprisingly, Twilight.

"Rainbow Dash, what happened! Is Shawn okay!" Twilight rushed to stand next to her cyan friend, who stepped to the side to give her some room to look Shawn up and down.

By this point, the room was starting to get a little crowded, with the rest of his new friends and several guards now occupying the same space.

Finally finding his voice, Shawn spoke up, "I-It's okay, guys. It was just a nightmare." His subsequent attempt to laugh the whole thing off was ruined by his voice, which was still a little shaky.

The look in Twilight's eyes told him she didn't believe it for a second. And, perhaps, calling what he'd just seen a simple nightmare might be a bit of a stretch. It had been so very real... more so because it had been a memory, rather than an actual dream, right up until the demon basket ate him.

That voice. It had sounded so very familiar, as if he'd heard it somewhere before. It was strange that he couldn't place it. Voices were easy for him, much easier than names or numbers had ever been.

_I suppose getting decapitated by a picnic basket would be a little distracting..._

Shawn gulped and felt around his neck, half expecting to find bite-marks or an open wound. Fortunately, he found it intact.

_Come on, Shawn... you're not in a Freddie Krugger movie. If anything you're in a cartoon._

"I tol' ya not t'eat so many pancakes right a'fore bed." Applejack's offhanded comment broke through his thoughts.

Looking around, Shawn could see that the curious guards and maids had gone back to their other duties, leaving him in the sole company of the six ponies he'd arrived at the castle with.

"I don't blame him at all. Those pancakes were fantabularific! It's no wonder he ate too many!"

"Pinkie, you ate even more'n he did."

"Yup! Don't blame him oooooone bit." the pink mare replied with an infectious ear-to-ear grin.

"Right..." Shawn untangled himself from the sheets, being careful not to expose any of his dangly bits hiding beneath the basic robe he'd been forced to wear to bed, "Is there any chance I'm going to get any more sleep tonight?"

"Tonight?" Twilight smiled wryly at him and shook her head, "Sleep any longer and you're going to miss lunch."

As if the whole thing had been choreographed, Rarity chose that very moment to shove aside the drapes, bathing the room in brilliant mid-afternoon light.

Shawn, pupils dilated and eyes watering, tried to cover his face with his pillow. However, it was cruelly yanked away from him by Pinkie Pie, who threw it across the room and forcibly pulled him to his feet.

"Come on, sleepy head! You know what they say, the early bird gets the cupcake!"

"It's the early bird gets the _worm_, Pinkie." Twilight interrupted the pink pony's sing-song saying with a roll of her eyes.

"Well that doesn't make any sense! Why would anypony want to eat an icky, slimy worm instead of a delicious cupcake? Besides..." Pinkie Pie paused to suddenly grin widely at Twilight, "I've heard it both ways!"

The series of facial spasms that Twilight suffered at that moment were so ludicrous in their expression and range that Shawn couldn't help but wish that there had been a poet nearby to document them. Suffice to say that they eventually culminated in an intense glare directed at him.

"This is _your fault_." she growled through her teeth.

"Wow..." Shawn whispered non-too-quietly to Pinkie as he held Twilight's gaze, "It's like getting snarled at by a Chihuahua: harmlessly adorable... yet inexplicably terrifying."

"Yup! That's our Twilight!" Pinkie shouted enthusiastically while nodding sagely, then leaned up and clutched the back of his robe's collar with her teeth. Somehow, this did not deter her ability to speak in the slightest as she pulled him out of the room and toward the kitchens.

"Now, come on, the best cure for nightmares is a good breakfast! Well, I guess in this case it'd be a good lunch. Speaking of good lunch, did I ever tell you about the time I invented chimicherrychangas? The hardest part was coming up with the name. I mean, who could possibly decide between chimicherry or cherrychanga? Well I couldn't! So I didn't!"

Twilight stood there, listening to the fading auditory torture and trying to hide a self-satisfied smirk as she watched Shawn get dragged down the hall by his robe. Having recognized the danger, but hungry enough to still risk it, Rarity and Applejack followed at a distance.

Patient pony that she was, Twilight waited politely for Rainbow Dash to wipe the tears of laughter from her eyes and get up before heading down to the kitchens with her.

oOo

"How are you still talking!"

In a last-ditch, desperate effort to get it to stop, Shawn had actually shoved an entire fresh-made chimicherrychanga into Pinkie's mouth as she stopped to take a breath. As so many poor, unfortunate souls before him found out, this only served to briefly delay the inevitable.

"And _then_ Bon Bon said that cucumber cake isn't actually a thing, but that's only because she's never tried to make cucumber cake. And I _knew_ cucumber cake had to be good, because a cake made out of a word as fun to say as _cucumber_ would _have_to be fun to eat!"

He looked helplessly at Twilight from across the table, but she only smiled and continued eating her own lunch, a mixture of grasses, fruits, and flowers that were almost as colorful as the creature actually eating them. Sighing, he looked up at the ceiling and tried to tune out the chatter.

"So... what next?" Shawn asked.

Twilight's ears perked up and her horn glowed as an actual, honest to god, checklist appeared over the table.

"Well, after lunch we're going to meet up with Captain Aegis and Lieutenant Gladius to report what happened last night." she chirped.

"Oooooh... is that... does that really need to happen? I feel like maybe we could keep that one between friends?"

"We went over this, Shawn. That Diamond Dog that attacked you and Rarity is still out there somewhere, and hiding behind some very powerful spellshields... If I can't find even a trace of him with my magic, neither will the Royal Mages, which means we're going to need the help of the Guard to track him down."

"... you know I only understood about half of that, right?" Shawn sighed again and put his face in his hands. The amount of responsibility he'd suddenly been saddled with was, in his honest opinion, way out of his league. He was used to working with maybe one other person... now he had an entire police department, six national heroes, and two immortal princesses to deal with and keep in the loop. Though he'd never say it, he was feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Twilight looked worried over his lack of energy.

"Are you feeling alright?" she asked.

"Yeah... just... didn't sleep well last night."

"The nightmare?" She pushed as she leaned forward over the table.

A feeling as if he'd forgotten something important nagged at Shawn as he brooded over his oatmeal.

"I guess... I don't know..."

"-ong and that's when the cake _exploded_!" Pinkie Pie finished her latest story by slamming her hooves onto the table, causing every dish to jump. In particular, Shawn's bowl, which slowly drooped off his face and to the floor, leaving a trail of gunk in its wake.

"Oh, dear..." Fluttershy, who had been sitting next to him, reached over and tried to use a napkin to sop up some of the mess.

Shawn sat there, quietly ignoring Twilight's failed attempts to not giggle and letting the oatmeal drip from his face, until a large, pink tongue wiped about half of it off.

"Hmmm... needs more sugar." Pinkie Pie chimed.

Rarity, who had gone to the kitchen to grab coffee for the group, chose that moment to come back into the small lounge they were all sharing, cups in tow. Setting them on the table, she took her seat next to Twilight and was opening her mouth to say something when she noticed Shawn.

"Ah... Shawn... you got a little something on your face there, darling."

The only human in the room let out a disgruntled grunt, downed his cup in one gulp, and proceeded to stand up.

"I'm going to go shower."

"Well, don' y'all take too long. We got ourselves a meetin' with cap'n Aegis in an ahour." Slowly sipping her own coffee, Applejack waved as Shawn walked back to his room.

oOo

"You did _what_?"

It's amazing what a long shower and a cup o' joe can do for one's mood. For instance, Shawn was feeling perfectly chipper as he adjusted his immaculately pressed, though somewhat discolored, vest. He would have preferred something more comfortable, but the only other clothing option he currently had was the robe... and he felt like that might not make the best professional impression.

Shawn looked back at the Cap'n, who was sitting behind his desk and throwing him a look that spoke of a perfect mixture of incredulity and horror.

"That's the long and short of it, Captain." Twilight finished.

It had only taken her about 15 minutes or so to detail the events of the night before, retelling the tale she heard from Shawn and Rarity to the best of her ability. Shawn had volunteered, but Twilight had insisted, rather forcefully, that she be the one to tell it. It was almost like she didn't think the Cap'n liked him.

Still speaking to Shawn, Aegis continued, "Let me see if I got this right... You broke into Amberlock mansion,"

"_Broke in _is a little harsh," Shawn interrupted, making air-quotes at the first two words, "I was just taking advantage of the princess's invitation to make myself at home."

"_In the castle_, Mr. Spencer. You were invited to make yourself at home _in the castle_."

"Well, then, she should have been more specific."

The mares, including the one Shawn now recognized as Lieutenant Gladius, looked back and forth between him and the Cap'n.

"Alright... fine. It's not like the Amberlock family will complain." Aegis sighed and continued, "So, you... made yourself at home... and ran into a hostile Diamond Dog."

"That's right, Captain. And if Shawn hadn't acted as quickly and decisively as he did, we might not have escaped unharmed." Rarity jumped in, clearly trying to stick up for the beleaguered human.

Shawn thought that was a little strange. The unicorn had refused to say more than a few words to him all morning. Not like the night before, where she had berated him almost non-stop about risking his life needlessly while he stuffed pancakes down his throat. Well... he couldn't figure out the female members of his own species, so it should come as no surprise that he couldn't figure these ones out either.

Lieutenant Gladius, who'd kept her peace so far, spoke up, "It was brave of you, Mr. Spencer. But you wouldn't have gotten into that situation if you'd just asked for some backup before going to search."

"I... wait... I can do that?" He asked.

"Of course! The princesses ordered that the resources of the Guard be at your disposal during your investigation. So, if you're going to go investigate something, please be so kind as to let us know ahead of time..."

Before Shawn could reply, not that he'd had anything particularly witty to say anyway, the Cap'n broke in, "Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves here. Until princess Celestia says otherwise, I'm still in charge of this case... but the lieutenant's right. You're not from around here, Mr. Spencer. Maybe you could get away with these kinds of shenanigans back where you're from, but I run a tight ship here. If you're doing something, you need to keep me informed."

_Hmm... maybe some things are just universal... or interdimensional in this case, I guess._It was exactly the kind of thing the chief used to say to him back home. For all the good it did her.

Twilight fidgeted beside him. Shawn could tell she felt responsible for letting him run off on his own... Rarity hadn't been the first, nor the last, to berate him for his rashness last night.

"If I may, Captain," Twilight waited for him to nod before continuing, "We did find out something important..."

Seeing that she had the two guard ponies' full attention, she looked back to Shawn, expectantly.

"Huh? Oh, right... I know how that pony was killed. And I think I know who's involved."

The Lieutenant's eyes widened, while the Cap'n's narrowed.

"And?" Aegis prompted.

"Well, first, let's go talk to that witness."

oOo

They made their way down one of the many gilded hallways of the castle. Tapestries depicting ponies in various states of joy and leisure hung every few feet, while large stained glass windows threw splashes of color on the plush, red carpeting that covered the floors.

The Cap'n, as was his wont, walked ahead, followed closely by his Lieutenant. Shawn and the rest hung back, following along about as quietly as that particular group of ponies was physically capable of. That is to say, not very.

"I don't get it... If you already know who did it, why are we even talking to this pony?" Rainbow dash asked as she floated along beside Shawn.

"I said I know who may have been involved, not who exactly did it... but finding one's as good as finding the other."

"How so?" Twilight piped in with her own question.

"Think of it this way... solving a crime is like solving a puzzle. Except you don't have all the pieces or a picture to tell you what it's supposed to look like at the end." Shawn mused.

"Sounds more like something Twilight would be into." Dash quipped with a roll of her eyes.

"Well, I do like puzzles..." Twilight's shy smile spoke more to the truth of that than her words.

"Well," He continued, "Right now, I have a pretty good idea of what the puzzle's supposed to look like... but I don't have all the pieces yet, so I'm really only guessing. Also, someone may have spilled ice-cream on some of them, so we may need to get some cardboard and a marker and-"

"Aaaaand you've officially stopped making any sense." Dash interrupted him.

"That's only because you can't grasp the genius of my analogues."

"Analogies, Shawn." Twilight's correction was automatic.

"I've heard it both ways."

"Genius is _one word_ fer it..." Applejack muttered with a sigh, to sniggers from from the other mares.

Shawn crossed his arms and looked down at her, "You are awfully frumpy today. I thought you farmers were supposed to be jolly or something."

Whatever Applejack was going to reply was cut off when the Cap'n stopped in front of one of the many doors that littered the hallway. He knocked, surprisingly politely, before opening it and motioning for them to head inside.

The guest room was essentially a carbon copy of the one Shawn himself had been staying in. A massive four-poster bed dominated the central space, while a low table and several cushions sat in front of a lit smokeless fireplace. The curtains were drawn across the glass doors that normally lead to the balcony, leaving the room with a dim, somewhat depressing atmosphere. Several pieces of luggage, including a strangely shaped package, sat in the corner.

And on the bed sat the saddest looking unicorn he'd ever seen in his life.

The mare had clearly neglected her personal hygiene for the last couple of days, letting her coat and mane become matted. Rarity spasmed in outrage at the sight of her, only pausing when she got a closer look at the mare herself.

"Lyra!"

The teal pony looked up, apparently noticing them for the first time. She startled at the sight of Rarity and the others, hopping off the bed and running straight into a hug from the fashionista. Fluttershy, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie were quickly there as well, not long before tears began leaking afresh from the corners of Lyra's eyes.

It didn't take a psychic to tell that this wasn't her first cry today... and, judging by the bags under her eyes, last night.

"You girls know this pony?" The Cap'n stepped back, respectfully giving them some space.

Twilight, who was hanging back from the exchange, nodded, "She's from Ponyville. It hasn't been that long since I moved into town, so I don't personally know her that well, but... it's a pretty small community. We all see each other every day, even if we're not all close friends." She paused and looked on with sad eyes, "Those four have known her a lot longer than me."

Aegis grunted and motioned for the Lieutenant to step out with him. Shawn started to go with them, but was stopped by a look from the stallion.

"I've asked all the questions I can think of already. It's your turn to take a go at it. Just... give them a moment and take it easy, okay?"

"Wow, Cappy... I didn't take you for the sentimental type." Shawn tried a grin, but it came out lopsided and awkward.

_Damn ponies are making me sappy._

The atmosphere in the room was growing more touchy-feely by the second, and Shawn was trying his best to hide his discomfort. Even Rainbow Dash, who had previously been floating uncertainly over the group, had been pulled into the mass hug.

Aegis returned the smile, to an open, disbelieving stare from his subordinate, "Saving them's the easy part, you know. It's the part that comes after that's hard."

The Lieutenant's horn glowed and the door closed, shutting out the only source of natural light in the room.

"Huh..." Shawn stared at where the Cap'n had been for a long minute before turning around.

Twilight had finally been pulled into the group as well, while the teal unicorn's tears finally dried up. Lyra popped her head up out of the middle expectantly, squinting at Shawn's form in the dimness that had retaken the room.

"Bon Bon?" she called out uncertainly as Shawn stepped into the light of the fireplace.

Her eyes grew wide with fear as she recoiled, "D-D... D-D-Diamond D-Dog!"

Shawn narrowed his eyes, _Now that's an interesting reaction_.

"Shhhh, hush. It's okay, dear. He's not a Diamond Dog. He's a friend." Rarity stroked the terrified mare's mane.

"I think I'm more of a marshmellow bear, myself." Shawn took one final step forward and and stopped, just out of arm's reach of the group.

Lyra calmed down substantially once she saw the complete lack of concern in the faces around her, most of her fear being replaced by outright confusion.

"W-What are you?" She stared, open-mouthed.

"'_What_'? Really? Why does everypony say '_what_'? I'm a '_who_', not a '_what_'... I swear, the first pony to ask me_who_I am, gets a hug..." Shawn immediately regretted the rant when Pinkie Pie stood up excitedly.

"Ooo! Me! I can do that!" She cried, then cleared her throat as she walked right up to him, "_Who_are you?"

"Uhhh... not really what I had in mind, but okay..." Shawn stepped forward past Pinkie and put out his hand, "Name's Shawn Spencer, alien detective. I'm here to figure out what happened in that alley. Nice to meetcha!"

To her credit, Lyra blanched but still managed to bump her hoof against his outstretched fist, offering him a thin smile in return for the big grin on his face.

"N-Nice to meet you too... Shawn. I'm Lyra. Lyra Heartstrings." She was gaining confidence by the second.

_Good... I thought I was going to have to deal with another Fluttershy for a moment._

Shawn heard a distinct huff from behind him and turned to see Pinkie Pie sitting on her haunches and offering him a very pointed glare.

"What?"

"Where's my hug?" she huffed again.

"W-... are you serious?"

"I don't joke about hugs. Or candy. Or cupcakes. Or friends. Or-"

"Okay, okay, I get it... fine..." Very gingerly, Shawn stepped forward and leaned down, awkwardly putting his arms around the pink pony's neck, "There, happy?"

"Mmmmm... nope!" She exclaimed as she suddenly stood up on her hind legs, lifting him up with her shoulder into a powerful bear-hug.

Shawn was pretty sure he felt his ribs creak in protest, though that sound might have been covered by the squeaking wheeze his lungs emitted before he was set down on his ass right next to the group. Lyra, obviously familiar with the party mare's antics, had the grace to cover her snort of laughter with a hoof. Which, Shawn noted, was more grace than Rainbow had displayed all day.

_Well, at least she's relaxed now. I guess my ribs are a small price to pay for that..._

"Okay, now I'm happy." Pinkie chirped as the rest of the mares followed his unwilling example and got comfortable.

"Right," Shawn wheezed out as he crossed his legs, then took several deep breaths, "Let's get started."

Lyra immediately stiffened at the reminder of his purpose, looking down and... pretty much anywhere but his face.

"I already told the Lieutenant everything I saw... I don't know what else you could want." she stated plaintively.

"Oh, don't worry about that. I just wanted to hear it myself. And, who knows, I might hear something the El-Tee missed." he tried to smile reassuringly, but Shawn got the feeling the presence of the other mares was doing a lot more for Lyra than anything he could have possibly said or done. It certainly was a smart move on the Cap'n's part to send them in first.

And he wasn't technically lying... he'd had a chance to go over the written statement with Twilight the night before, but there was nothing quite like going over it with the person, or pony, face to face.

"Oh... alright. Well... like I told Miss Gladius, I looked up and saw-"

"Whoa whoa, wait a sec. Let's start from the beginning."

"What? What do you mean?"

Smiling, Shawn put his elbows on his knees and looked closely at her, "Actually, maybe I can do that for you."

Dash poked Lyra's shoulder excitedly, "Just watch, this is cool."

Shawn's gaze focused on the strangely shaped package in the corner, then to her cutie mark, which he assumed was the instrument for which she was named.

"You're an instrumentalist. A lyre player, right?" He asked.

She nodded.

Shawn thought the baggage was probably significant, "You're here for a big event... something that's going to happen soon. I'm guessing you got invited to play?"

Eyes wide, she nodded again, "At the Grand Galloping Gala, yeah..."

"Solo?"

"I wish," she laughed, "I'm part of a quartet. We've been rehearsing."

"But you don't know the other players. Not personally, anyway."

"Th-that's right!" Lyra was looking around at the other mares, who only smiled encouragingly, "How did you know that?"

"If you did, there'd be more than six ponies here." Shawn paused and tried to look her in the eyes, but she fidgeted and looked away again.

"You were out on the town playing tourist, since you don't really get too many chances to visit the big city," he continued, "When it happened."

Shawn waited for her to nod again. It came slowly.

"I have to ask, Lyra... what made you look up?"

"Ex-excuse me?"

"The colt went out a fifth story window... what made you look up at just the right moment to see him fall?"

Lyra blanched, but seemed to get a hold of herself, "I... was lost. I didn't bring my map with me, like the director told me to... I thought I could just, find my way, you know?" she smiled sadly, "I was walking down the alley when I heard the window break. I looked up and... I saw..." Tears started to form at the corners of her eyes and she stopped, breathing hard.

Once again, Fluttershy and Rarity came to her rescue, wrapping her in tight hugs as she sobbed quietly.

"Shawn... maybe we shou-"

"Almost done." He interrupted Twilight's worried whisper, "Lyra? Can you answer just a couple more?"

Wiping at her eyes, Lyra cleared her throat and answered, "Y-Yeah..."

"Right. Now, you said you were already _in_the alley when you heard the noise, right?"

"About... halfway, I think?"

That made sense to him. The window the body had fallen from was almost at the very end of the alley towards the city wall. Her view of the event would have been impeccable.

"Tell me, when the colt... fell... did you notice anything... weird about the way he did it?"

Lyra's eyes widened for a moment and she looked at the floor, "N-No... I looked up and saw him and he... he j-just j-jumped." she stuttered.

_Huh... that's interesting._

"Last question..." He paused and made sure to look directly in her eyes again before asking, "Did anything happen after he fell?"

Once again, Lyra's eyes widened. She opened her mouth to speak several times, before seemingly giving up and simply shaking her head. That's when he saw the marks on her neck.

"Right, then... thanks, Lyra." Shawn said as he stood up to go, "And... don't worry..."

Nodding, Lyra pressed her face into Fluttershy's mane as the gentle pegasus stroked hers.

Rarity looked up at him and motioned with her horn, "You go on ahead, dear. I think somepony should stay with her for now."

Shawn stepped out of the room, followed closely by Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack. He noticed the Cap'n and the Lieutenant conferring quietly by one of the stained glass windows further down the hall. The two guard-ponies noticed them and trotted over.

"So?" Aegis asked, "Did you get what you needed?"

Twilight shook her head and lamented, "She didn't say anything that wasn't already on the statement."

"Oh, I wouldn't say that, Sparks." Shawn piped in, "In fact, I'd say that she said _everything that_ wasn't on the statement."

The purple unicorn looked on in confusion as the Cap'n looked at each of them in turn.

"What do you mean? Ms. Sparkle, what does he mean?"

"It means that someone's threatened your witness, Cappy. If I were you, I'd post a couple of guards outside her room until this is all over."

Applejack looked back at the door worriedly, "On secon' thought, Ah think Ah'll stay here, too." she declared as she went back to sit just outside the room, "Ya'll go on ahead and give your report to the princesses."

Rainbow Dash sat herself right next to the farm pony, to a surprised look from Applejack, "Well, somepony's gotta keep you company out here. Twilight and Shawn can fill us all in when they get back, right?"

Twilight looked conflicted, glancing back and forth between Shawn and her friends.

"We'll need at least one of the representatives from the Elements there, Miss Sparkle." The Cap'n intoned diplomatically.

With a last look at Dash and Applejack, Twilight nodded back at the Cap'n, "Alright, let's go."

oOo

They were back in the lounge that the princesses had used to break the news of the murder to Twilight and her friends.

The Cap'n sat near the door, his Lieutenant at his right hoof, as it opened to admit the two resplendent princesses. Celestia looked as immaculate as always, with that benign, knowing smile that seemed to be the default expression of her face. Luna, on the other hand, looked as tired as Lyra had. Quite possibly because it was barely late afternoon and, from what Shawn understood, that was essentially the equivalent of the wee morning hours for the night princess.

The two of them each took a cushion in front of the fireplace, Celestia motioning for Shawn, Twilight, and the guard ponies to take a seat in front of her.

"And the rest of the Elements, my student?" Celestia directed the question at Twilight, who swallowed audibly.

"With Lyra, princess. They stayed behind to comfort her and... protect her."

"Protect her?" Luna asked, looking almost affronted, as if the very idea that somepony would be harmed in the castle was insulting.

"Not to worry, princess, I've already sent for a squad to be stationed at her door and rerouted some of the pegasi patrol routes to cover her window. Nothing's getting in there to harm the witness." The Cap'n was as straightforward as ever... though, for once, Shawn could honestly say he was glad for it.

Celestia's smile disappeared for a brief moment as she looked directly at him, "Shawn? Can you explain to me why one of my little ponies needs to be kept under guard in my own castle?"

Shawn paused, then stood, "Sorry... I like to move when I do this."

The princesses looked at each other uncertainly before Celestia nodded at him. Twilight shot him a pleading look.

He flashed his nervous partner a smile as he started, "Now this is a story all about how some colt's life got flipped, turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you all about how this pony took his trip through the air."

"I-Is... is he singing?" Cap'n Aegis quietly asked nopony in particular.

"In quaint, little Ponyville, born and raised. At her instrument, Lyra spent most of her days. Chilling out, practicing, relaxing all hardy when she got invited to this Canterlot party. When a couple of dogs, who were up to no good, started makin' trouble in the neighborhood. She witnessed one little crime and the doggies got scared and they said 'You say one word to anybody and you're dead!'"

"Shawn...?" Twilight called to him questioningly.

"She called out for help but by the time it came near the merchant colt was dead and had a few scratches right here," Shawn pointed at the side and back of his neck, "If anyone'd looked they'd see she has the same marks, too, but they all thought 'forget it, she's just feelin' blue!'"

"Shawn!" Twilight yelled, her furious glare causing him to stop as much as her tone.

"Man... it took me the whole way here to come up with that..." Shawn whined.

"Just give us your conclusions. _Without_the singing." The Cap'n was also glaring daggers at him, while the princesses looked on in silent disapproval.

"Geez, tough crowd..." Shawn muttered, "Fine."

He stopped to take a deep breath and continued, "When I saw that pony laying out on the street, several big things stood out to me. First, why would he jump from the fifth floor of a building with at least 8 or 9 floors if he was trying to commit suicide? If I was really trying to kill myself, I'd want to give myself as much of a chance as possible of not waking up a cripple."

Every set of eyes in the room was glued to him as he started to pace, "Second, why did he break the glass instead of simply opening the window? I know for a fact now that those windows do open from the inside."

"Well, he could have tripped and fallen through before he got a chance to open it..." The Lieutenant pointed out.

"True, but if he had fallen through the glass, some of the shards would have fallen on top of him when he fell." Shawn's mind flashed back to the scene as he walked around the body, trying to avoid stepping on any glass, "But there weren't any. Not one... which means he either busted the window open before he 'fell', or someone else did it while trying to drag a kicking, screaming earth pony to the window. And after they did it, they threw him out. Remember how far his body was from the building? If he just fell through the glass or even jumped, he would have landed next to the wall... not halfway to the building next door."

The Cap'n grunted in acknowledgement, "I knew something about that was bothering me..."

"But you set it aside, because you had a witness claiming 'suicide'." Shawn replied, "Except Lyra didn't call for the guards right away. Judging by the way Twilight and her friends reacted to just _hearing_about a suicide, I'm guessing Lyra was too traumatized to even speak for a while after that. And since it happened deep in the alley, nopony ran into her."

"Which would have given whoever threw the merchant out the window enough time to get downstairs and find her!" Twilight exclaimed.

With a nod, Shawn continued, "Right. She was right there. There's no way they could have _not_seen her. And they probably knew there was no way she didn't see them. I saw it in her eyes when I went to talk to her... she was was scared, and trying to hide something from me the entire time, especially when I started asking questions about what happened after the 'suicide.'"

Celestia frowned and looked anxiously in what Shawn assumed was the exact direction of Lyra's room. It was a little eerie how the princess could just tell where the unicorn was.

"And that brings me to the final piece of corroding evide-"

"Corroborating, Shawn."

"Corroborating evidence." he glanced at Twilight gratefully, "The scratches on Lyra's neck. I first saw those same marks on the merchant, but I thought they came from the glass when he hit the ground. Except Lyra has them, too, and there's no way she was standing close enough when the window broke for the glass to have made those. Something big, with claws, grabbed both of those ponies around the neck. Probably the same thing that chased me through the mansion. Last. Night!" Shawn's speech slowly built to a crescendo, culminating with the last two words being shouted to a totally quiet room.

"So... you are saying that a pair of rogue Diamond Dogs _killed_one of my little ponies?" Celestia asked slowly and deliberately.

For once, Shawn heard something other than an undercurrent of mirth in the princess's voice. It was faint, probably hidden by hundreds of years of practice... but it was there. Raw, righteous fury. He supposed that even in this strange land the sun had two sides to it. At times, it was a lifebringing sphere of warmth... but, just as easily, it could be a harsh ball of fire and wrath. Even Luna backed away at her sister's low, dangerous tone.

"Uhhh... no, actually."

The princess, and the rest of his audience for that matter, looked up at him in confusion.

"I'm pretty sure those Dogs weren't rogues," He recalled Twilight's comment about the spellshield, "They obviously had resources. And..." Shawn paused, grimacing.

"Please, say what you mean to say, Shawn Spencer." Celestia said with her ears folded back.

"... I'm pretty sure that merchant wasn't their first victim. Or their last..." he finished.

Silence returned to the room, until the Cap'n saw fit to break it.

"Well... horseapples."


	8. From Canterlot With Love

"It was a dark and stormy night... although, it wasn't really all that dark. Actually, it probably wasn't raining all that much, either. And it was really more of an early evening... maybe late-afternoon-ish..."

"Shawn..."

"Aaaanyway..."

The rest of the ponies had finally caught up with him and Twilight and demanded a retelling of his conclusions. As it turned out, it didn't take too long for Lyra to fall unconscious. She'd had almost no rest since the murder and the presence of close friends to comfort her had been enough to lull her into a deep sleep. Once the Guard showed up, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash had felt comfortable enough with their friend's safety to come find them.

After his outburst, Captain Aegis and the Lieutenant had chosen to retire back to Head Quarters for the night to organize a city-wide search for the assassin dogs. Likely, it would prove fruitless. Shawn was convinced there was a greater mind at play here than the barely intelligible dog or dogs that had attempted to throw him out a window and failed... largely because he'd done it for them.

Twilight had spoken up about her vain attempts to locate the dogs via spellwork soon after pulling Shawn out of the water and princess Celestia agreed with his assertion that they couldn't have worked alone. Apparently, there was no single Diamond Dog shaman capable of putting up a spellshield that strong. Nor was she aware that any of the Dogs' precious few tribal casters, celebrated leaders in their society, had gone rouge.

The offhanded commentary that one of the ponies he was working with was essentially one of (if not _the_) strongest non-deity level casters in the world once again reminded him of the scale in which he was now working.

Shawn got the distinct impression Celestia had suspicions she wasn't speaking out loud, but he didn't get a chance to grill her about it before she left, presumably to make her own attempt at finding the culprits through magic.

Curiously enough, princess Luna had elected to stay behind and hear the story once more. Or maybe to keep an eye on him. She was nearly as hard to read as her sister, though her own default expression was more dour than amused.

"-through the mansion. Last. Night!" Admittedly, he'd rushed through the retelling a bit more than the original, since Twilight had said his name in a very threatening manner when he'd started his song again.

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash stomped their hooves appreciatively and Shawn took a dramatic bow while the rest of the group absorbed the new information.

"Well... this certainly changes the gravity of the situation." Rarity was the first to comment.

"You have a gift fer understatement, suga'cube."

"Well, you have a gift for uncouth commentary." Rarity's riposte was received with a wry smile by the farm pony.

"And I have a gift for making those little towel animals they put on your bed in fancy hotels... but none of that's helping us right now." Shawn's pacing was starting to tear up the carpet, while his hand remained firmly affixed to his chin. "Those dogs that chased us through the mansion were getting their orders from someone and we need to figure out who..."

Twilight, now having finished rolling her eyes at Shawn, shook her head, "That's more easily said than done. I mean, it's not like we can just go over to the Diamond Dog embassy and start making accusations. The Grand Galloping Gala's coming up and we can't afford cause an international incident with the guests of honor."

Shawn stopped pacing and stared at her.

"W-What?" Twilight wilted under his intense gaze.

"Has anyone ever told you you're a genius?"

Blushing, Twilight started to paw at the carpet when she suddenly straightened up, "Shawn... what are you thinking?"

Shawn, however, was already out the door and walking quickly down the hallway.

"Shawn!" Twilight's frustrated shout echoed through the castle as she ran off after him.

The rest of the ponies looked uncertainly at each other, until Pinkie Pie's smiling, bouncing exit reminded them they had a human to follow.

Luna stared off after them impassively, before huffing and disappearing in a sudden flash of deep blue energy.

oOo

"No."

"Aaaw, come on... we're just taking a look!"

"Shawn, this is not an abandoned mansion. This is an embassy. Officially, it's United Diamond Dog Tribes land. We can't simply 'take a look'!"

They were standing in front of a rather impressive white building. Made even more so by the fact that it managed to still be impressive despite being situated in a part of the city renowned for its opulent architecture. To put it another way: it had been a _very_short walk from the castle.

The sun sat low on the horizon, while a soft, early Summer breeze blew through the air. Shawn breathed it in, slowly, and prepared a carefully thought out, eloquent explanation of the sound reasoning behind his seemingly rash actions.

"But Twiliiiiiiiiiight..." he whined.

"Give it up, suga'cube. She ain't changing' her mind and there ain't no reason she should." Applejack spoke through yet another wry smile.

"Buuuut Twiiiii-"

"No means no, Shawn." The purple unicorn stomped her hoof in tandem with the last no.

"You know, I find your lack of faith... disturbing."

"Why does he keep saying it all weird like that?" Rainbow Dash raised her eyebrow at Pinkie Pie, who shrugged.

Shawn sighed and stopped, looking at the other ponies around him before making eye contact with Twilight, "Look... we all agreed the dogs have some major mojo on their side, right?"

She paused, thinking carefully before nodding reluctantly.

"And what's the nearest, biggest source of concentrated Diamond Dog mojo?"

Rolling her eyes, Rarity cut in before Twilight could respond, "Be that as it may, darling, the fact is that political considerations must come first in this case. You wouldn't want to risk causing an interspecies war, would you?"

The only sound was the continued blowing of that warm Summer breeze as Shawn's gaze slowly returned to the embassy.

"Shawn?"

"What? No, of course not!" Shawn snapped out of his reverie, laughing at the utter ludicrousness of the question, "Who would ever want to sneak into a secure government facility to steal state secrets from hostile foreign nationals only to be discovered at the last minute and forced to make a daring escape through an exciting chase sequence that culminated in victoriously walking away in slow motion from an exploding enemy vehicle?"

All six mares stopped whatever they were doing and stared at him with various degrees of incredulity.

"That actually sounds kinda coo-"

"Rainbow!" Twilight's accusing glare instantly silenced the pegasus, who coughed and closely inspected her wings.

Twilight sighed and looked back to Shawn, who was still staring intently at the front gates of the embassy, "The princesses are trusting us to use the authority they gave us with restraint. We have to be absolutely sure the trail leads here before we do anything rash." She paused, then looked down at the ground with narrowed eyes, "I'm also going to have a talk with whichever maid keeps giving you directions."

Still deep in thought, Shawn allowed himself to be herded by Twilight and Rarity back towards the castle. There had to be some way for him to get inside that embassy. He just knew that the next break in their case was hidden somewhere in that building.

_If only more villains were like in the Bond movies._ he mentally lamented, _I could just sneak in as a guest at some ridiculous, overblown party and uncover their whole nefarious plot all in one..._

"Twilight?"

"Yes?"

While distracted with his thoughts, he and the ponies had apparently made substantial progress on their way back to the castle. It was for the best, as that's where he needed to go anyway.

"Didn't you say there was going to be some sort of big party in a couple of days?"

"The Grand Galloping Gala." Twilight stopped and stared up at him, suspicion clear in her eyes, "Why?"

A smile, dreaded by those who knew Shawn well enough, slowly took shape.

oOo

"No."

"Aaaw, come on!"

Many ponies wrongfully thought Captain Aegis had only two states of being: Somber or furious.

In fact, Lieutenant Gladius knew that the Captain ran the same gamut of emotions that any other pony did... the only difference being that he seemed mostly capable of expressing them only through a variety of glares and frowns. By this point, she didn't really think much of the fact that after many years of serving the thrones with him she could now tell the difference between the various flavors of glower her Captain had in his arsenal.

For instance, the alien being who was currently the subject of Aegis's ire probably thought the Captain was angry. While not technically wrong, this completely ignored the heavy notes of frustration and slight hint of confusion that Aegis's dangerously narrowed eyes and scrunched eyebrows were conveying at that very moment.

"What are they doing that they can't talk to me for five minutes! I just need to ask Celly to-"

"Princess _Celestia_is currently in meditation and is not to be disturbed."

"What about Loony, then?"

"Princess _Luna_is..." The Captain stopped, then smiled.

_That,_ she thought, _is something I'll_ never _get used to._

The last time she had seen the Captain smile like that, a member of the Griffonian Empire's elite Praetorian Guard had subsequently run away screaming in terror. She was proud of her captain and loved working under him, but he had not earned his name or his reputation in the field by being meek.

"Now that I think about it, I believe she _is_available. Just go down that hallway, take the stairs at the end to the top floor and it's the third door on your right." Aegis looked after the retreating pair with a wistful glare before continuing on his way to the throne room.

Gladius wasn't sure where the rest of the Elements had gone off to, nor why Shawn had been running up and down the halls asking after the princesses. Although, it was obvious that Twilight Sparkle was being run ragged by having to chase the gangly alien around.

"Captain Aegis, sir... did you just intentionally direct Ms. Sparkle and Mr. Spencer to princess Luna's private meditation chambers?"

The Captain stopped, then shrugged, "Somepony would have eventually told them where it was."

"Yes, sir... but they also probably would have warned them to stay away from it and simply wait until nightfall..."

"Did I forget to do that?" Aegis tapped his chin with a hoof, "Silly me. Must have slipped my mind."

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Granted."

"That was evil, sir."

The Captain nodded, "Duly noted, Lieutenant. Now, come on, we have a city-wide search to conduct."

Gladius glanced back over her withers down the hallway. She had only heard stories and rumors of unfortunate servants who had, for whatever reason, not been warned on their first day. She almost wished she could follow and see what would happen first hand. Almost.

oOo

Shawn's existence had come to this.

The entirety of the scope of his being was narrowed and focused into one simple fact that now resonated within every fiber and atom of his very being. How could he not have seen it before? It had always been so obvious... yet it took this one horrendous experience to make him truly realize and come to terms with it.

"I _hate_stairs." he gasped between breaths.

Twilight sighed, "I know, Shawn..."

"I hate them with the intensity of a thousand suns."

"That's nice, Shawn."

"I hate every stupid, straight line making up every stupid, stone brick, stacked into this stupid, never-ending spiral staircase of sorrow."

Her ears perked up, "Spiral Staircase of Sorrow... it does have a ring to it."

"I hate the word _stairs_. I hate the _concept_ of stairs. I _hate stairs_."

"You said that one already, Shawn."

"Well, it's true."

Ears twitching, Twilight stopped climbing and looked back at him, "It might help a little bit if you stopped talking..." she suggested.

"I will not be silenced! That's what _they_want... to censor me!" Shawn directed the most vicious glare he could muster at the offending architecture, "One day I will watch you burn."

Admittedly, it probably would have been a lot more intimidating if he hadn't been lying face-down on the steps, covered in sweat and shaking like a wet kitten.

Twilight rolled her eyes with a little half-smile and nodded up at a door a short ways up, "Come on, we're almost there."

Groaning, Shawn dragged himself up the last two flights on his hands and knees. He emerged into a narrow, curving hallway behind his purple partner, glad to be done with the trip up and pointedly avoiding thinking about how they were going to get down again. Maybe he could convince Twilight to teleport them to the courtyard from one of the windows. Maybe he could jump.

"Shawn, stop staring vacantly out that window..."

"Sorry."

Twilight stepped up to a sturdy door. From the hallway, at least, it didn't look any different than any other door he'd seen in the castle. No intricate markings or designs to designate this a room meant to be occupied by a goddess-ruler... just a plain slab of shaped wood.

"If this is the Cap'n's idea of a joke, I swear I will set everything on fire." he muttered darkly.

"Did you say something?" Twilight paused in the middle of bringing a hoof up to knock, tilting her head his way.

"Nope."

She stared at him with narrowed eyes for a moment before shrugging and turning to complete the motion. The tapping echoed throughout the empty hallway. Silence answered.

"Huh... maybe we got the wrong roo-" Twilight's musing was interrupted as the door swung open on creaky hinges, seemingly on its own.

"That wasn't spooky..."

His comment caused her to raise her eyebrow at him.

"It's just princess Luna, Shawn. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about." Contrary to her words, Twilight stepped forward rather cautiously, poking her head through the gap into the dimness beyond, "Princess?"

Nothing.

Twilight dawdled for a minute, biting her lip and looking back and forth between him and the ominous room. Finally, she seemed to come to a decision, opening the door all the way and stepping through in what might have come off as a valiant manner had she not suddenly squeaked in fear.

"Oh, princess! You startled m-..."

The cheerfully relieved voice was cut off rather suddenly and Shawn contemplated chancing the stairs again. Unfortunately, contemplating was as far as he got before a pair of glowing, eerie eyes appeared at the entrance before him.

He stared. The eyes stared back.

There was only one thing any self-respecting psychic detective could possibly do when confronted with the presence of a clearly hostile poltergeist. Fortunately for Shawn, he was neither psychic, nor had any particular illusions of self-respect.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH-"

His tactical retreat - which one might call "frantic scampering" - was halted not long after it began by a deep blue aura. Slowly, he was dragged toward the waiting dark maw of the doorway, unable to move or make a sound.

oOo

Princess Celestia had not been having a good day. To be honest, it had actually been several since the last one she could call "good" with any level of frankness.

_Incidentally, that one was right before the arrival of our new guest._She paused in her walk and shook her head slightly, putting the uncharitable thought from her mind.

In reality, she happened to like Shawn quite a bit. Their initial surprise meeting had been... awkward at first. But it had been a very long time since she had been able to hold such a casually frank conversation with anypony. Too many of her subjects thought of her only as a princess or, possibly worse, a goddess. Even Twilight Sparkle, practically a daughter to her, often treated her more like an ornery school-marm than the surrogate mother she thought of herself as.

Very few ponies over the centuries had been privy to this fact... but when she and Luna had first taken up the mantle of leadership, they had deliberately chosen the title of "princesses" - rather than "queens" - in an effort to avoid some of the very fear and veneration she saw in the eyes of her ponies every single day. Her idea had been a spectacular failure, which Luna still sometimes teased her about.

Her thoughts drifted back to the strange creature - _human_, Twilight had called him - as she slowly made her way down the dim hallways of the castle's seldom used upper floors. The words gangly and awkward came to mind. As well as disrespectful and, according to Captain Fidelis, downright irritating. Her lips turned up in a hint of a smile as she remembered their interactions. Such immensely differing personalities... such potential for a wonderful friendship. Perhaps one she could encourage? A thought for another time.

In spite of Shawn's faults, she couldn't help but instantly like him the moment his tone toward her had failed to change after he realized who she was...

A smell, familiar in its repulsiveness, derailed her train of thought. She imagined this might be what the half-rotten carcass of a long-dead dragon might smell like if left out in the sun and doused generously with sulfur.

Sighing, she approached the door nearest to the stairs (and the largest windows). Her sister had recently taken it upon herself to learn how to cook as part of a greater effort at readjusting. Society today was far different from the one she'd been so intimately involved with before she'd...

Celestia grimaced. It had been over a thousand years, yet the scars seemed fresh.

Shaking her head, she took one last breath of clean air and stepped through the doorway. Her sister Luna had many talents. Unfortunately, her genius in other crafts did not extend into the culinary arts. Well, that wasn't entirely true. One could make the case that her sister was, in fact, a genius... at ruining food.

The princess of the night had single-hoofedly banished eldritch horrors to Tartarus in the fearful times before they ascended the thrones. Celestia found it somewhat ironic, then, that her sister had stumbled upon a talent for creating them from everyday ingredients found in anypony's kitchen.

"Might I suggest putting the spices in the hot pan _after_the rest of the..." Celestia trailed off.

Before her, was a rather unusual scene. Her dearest student and the alien who was the source of her troubled thoughts sat silently frozen before a veritable buffet of terror. Carbonized cucumber tortilla rolls slathered in mustard and slimy, neon-purple scrambled eggs were among the more... mundane dishes.

"Ah, beloved sister! Might thou-... _you_... like to sample one of our newest innovations? The poached barley flambé is, we believe, particularly edible!"

Celestia stood there for a moment before sighing again and smiling wanly at the hostages' pleading gazes, "Luna... what have I told you about forcing ponies to try your cooking?"

The princess of the night stopped mid-way through putting down the last of the plates and had the decency to look abashed, "But... how will they know that they will not like it if they do not taste of it?"

Shaking her head, Celestia padded into the room and touched the tip of her horn to each of their foreheads, releasing them from the temporary paralysis spell.

"-AAAAAAAAaaaahhhhh!" Shawn's scream trailed off as he looked around at the trio of raised eyebrows and cleared his throat, "In my defense, I was pretty sure that sandwich wanted to eat me."

The hoagie in question shuddered and rolled over, throwing off several sparks of blue magic in the process

That was it. The straw that broke the camel's back. After 8 consecutive hours of fruitless casting, and three days of non-stop stress and sleeplessness, princess Celestia, goddess, Dawnbringer and High Regent of the Court of the Eternal Sun, broke down into gales of laughter.

oOo

The sound of tinkling bells pervaded Shawn's mind. It took him a moment to realize that it was actually the venerable princess Celestia, laughing her head off. He'd never heard a royal guffaw before.

While Twilight was busy staring in disbelief at her mentor and ruler cackling like a madman - or, madpony - Shawn took the opportunity to draw his shirt up over his nose. He nervously glanced over at princess Luna, who looked both confused and slightly affronted by her sister's outburst.

"We do not find the humor in this..." she muttered.

"Are those eggs hard boiled? I didn't think you could hard boil eggs at this altitude." Shawn picked up what appeared to be a perfectly normal looking salad.

"Those are tomatoes, not eggs."

The bowl fell from his hands and was regretfully stopped from clattering to the ground by a blue glow.

_Probably for the best._ he thought, _Wouldn't want to melt a hole in the floor._

Shawn, seeing that Celestia had finally wound down a bit, clapped his hands together several times. All eyes turned to him.

"Okay, then. Glad we all had this wonderful moment of bonding. Also, glad nobody died... particularly me..." His eyes wandered back toward the food against his will, eliciting a shudder, "But, I have a request."

"And what dost thou solicit of us, Shawn Spencer?" Princess Luna stepped forward, wearing regality like a cloak.

Her voice - or perhaps the _way_ she spoke - struck a chord with him. It didn't sound familiar, per say. But it sounded like it _should_... if that made any sense. Not that much did, these days.

"I need to go to the party."

Wiping an errant tear from her eye, Celestia straightened, a smile still playing at the corners of her mouth, "I was under the impression you had already been thrown a welcome party."

Twilight nodded from her sitting position at Celestia's feet, apparently finally starting to get over the shock of seeing her mentor in such a state.

"Not just _any party_. I need to go to the Great Galumphing Gala."

He noticed that his partner had turned a distinctly lighter shade of purple. Her mouth was moving, as if she was trying to say something, but all that came out was the same strange, little squeak.

Luna titled her head at him, "For what possible purpose wouldst thou need to attend the event? Wouldst thine time not be better spent investigating?"

"It wouldsn't... woulden'tsn... no." Shawn shook his head and sighed, "I'm gonna be honest. We've hit a wall here. Unless Celly was able to find the diamond dogs with magic..." he looked to her hopefully, but she shook her head.

"The trail had faded too much by the time I attempted to trace it."

"Right. The only way we're going to get any further is by talking to the ones whose job it is to keep track of all the dogs coming and going from the city."

"We cannot risk insu-"

"I know! I know..."

Luna stared at him sullenly, clearly unhappy with being interrupted, while Shawn put a hand to his head, thinking about how to phrase the next bit.

"Look... most of the staff from the embassy will be at the party, right?" He waited for the two princesses to nod before continuing, "So, if anyone wanted to, say, have a friendly chat with the staff about their problems with trouble-making dogs..."

"That would probably be the best place to do it." Princess Celestia nodded, quickly catching on.

"There is still the matter of the invitation itself, dear sister." Luna mused, "He cannot be invited on the premise of an investigation... it would cause unwanted speculation."

Celestia thought for a moment before responding, "He _is_a member of a previously undiscovered, advanced civilization. Perhaps he could go as an ambassador himself?" she smiled as she continued, "It would certainly... breathe new life into the party."

"Ooo! Does this mean I get diplomatic immunity!" Shawn piped in.

Princess Celestia nodded, but preempted his celebratory jig with a warning, "Do not abuse it, however, as I will personally hold you responsible for your actions." She waited for him to nod grudgingly, then continued, "The Elements will be attending as well. Between you and them, the guest list should pull in every pony, griffon, and diamond dog in the city important enough to receive an invitation."

"I think you can do one better." Shawn pulled his shirt down from around his nose, "Ask the diamond dog embassy to host the party. We need middle management and the regular servants to be there, too. They're more likely to accidentally give something up than the big dogs."

The princesses paused and glanced at each other.

"That... may prove difficult." Celestia admitted, "There is a long tradition of the party being hosted at the castle."

Luna shook her head in response, "Actually, we have the perfect excuse, dear sister. This weekend will mark the diamond dog embassy's first year since its establishment. They were actually forced to reschedule their own celebration when they found out about the Gala." She paused to think for a moment, "We suspect that the ambassador might appreciate the gesture if we proposed merging the two events and letting them host it."

With a bright smile at her sister, Celestia nodded, "I will speak with him about it tonight, then. The party will take place in two days... preparations should be easy, considering their own original intentions."

"That's perfect, thanks." Shawn nodded yet again, smiling happily, "Just call me Bond. James Bond."

"We had thought thy name was Shawn..." Luna looked to Twilight in confusion, "Do humans often change their names?"

Shawn sighed wistfully and walked off while the increasingly pale unicorn only sat there, mouth still agape and emitting strange squeaking noises as the human she was in charge of rushed past and away from the horrible sights and smells of Luna's practice kitchen. At Celestia's worried look, Twilight swallowed, nodded, and stumbled to her feet to chase after Shawn once again.

oOo

"I'm sorry, dear, could you repeat that? I must have misheard, because it sounded like you said we're all attending that awful Gala again. And that it's being hosted at the diamond dog embassy, no less."

"That's the gist of it."

Shawn watched as Twilight's response to Rarity's question took its effect on the various mares. Fluttershy buried her face in her hooves, while Applejack and Rainbow Dash turned a distinctive shade of green. Even Pinkie Pie could barely summon a fake smile at the news. Rarity's reaction was the most dramatic, as she yanked over a nearby couch with her magic and collapsed unto it.

_Just what the hell happened last time they went? _he wondered.

"It's... not so bad, girls." Twilight's own smile looked even more fake and brittle than Pinkie Pie's, "It's been three years. I bet nopony even remembers that Gala... probably."

He didn't know why she had insisted on breaking the news to the girls. So far, she wasn't exactly doing a bang up job of it.

"We don't even have anything to wear! I'm good, but even I can't make new dresses for everypony here in two days!" Rarity exclaimed tearfully.

"So, we'll just wear the dresses you made last time." Rainbow had managed to find her voice, though it was still slightly shaky.

"Unacceptable! Who do you think I am! Oh, this is just the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!" Another dramatic collapse unto the couch.

"How about you take those old dresses you made 'n use 'em as a base? Modify'em or somethin' so that they don't look quite the same?" Applejack cut in.

Rarity looked up from her dramatic pose on the couch, hoof on chin, "I... _suppose_that might work. It has been three years after all..."

"Great! So, now that we've got a plan, we... can... just..." Shawn trailed off under the withering glares of the mares. He thought about Jules and how she would want him to act in this situation, "Go sit quietly in the corner and think about what I've done?"

Twilight nodded grimly.

He took a few steps back and sat down on a cushion, though it wasn't long before he was joined by Rainbow Dash.

At his curious look, she shrugged, "I hate planning this stuff."

Shawn nodded sagely, then froze as an idea took shape.

From the beginning, he'd never planned to actually spend much time asking questions at the party. The whole reason he'd asked to go and get the thing moved to the diamond dog embassy was so he could subsequently sneak off and check whatever floors and offices were declared restricted. Chances are, any incriminating documentation of whatever conspiracy was at play would be hidden there. However, he hadn't given much thought as to _how_he was actually going to sneak off once the party started. He certainly couldn't ask Twilight for help... she'd just say it was a terrible idea and do her best to stop him.

No. This required action. This required brashness and a love of danger. This required...

"Hey, Rainbow."

"Yeah?"

"You know what'd be totally awesome?"

oOo

The next two days before the night of the party passed in a blur. Somehow, Rarity managed to rework all six dresses and his own outfit so that they practically oozed elegance and style.

Shawn himself had not had very much to do in that time. There was a lot of sitting around and listening to other ponies talk. Most of the planning was handled by Twilight and Applejack, the two figuring out how they could best spread the group around to talk to the largest number of staff possible

Captain Aegis and Lieutenant Gladius were, of course, brought into their little operation. The two were going to have to attend anyway, and the more ponies that were in on it the better their chances at finding something out.

Curiously, Shawn saw neither hide nor hair of Luna or Celestia in all that time. Apparently, the two were a lot more involved in the planning process than he'd originally thought. It was probably for the best... he wouldn't want either of the two beings who could force him to tell the truth around right at this moment to ask inconvenient questions.

He shared a glance and a wink with Rainbow Dash, who grinned widely.

The full group of them stood on the cobblestone path in front of the well-lit gate as a crowd of ponies and griffons streamed by. Two massive diamond dogs in steel plate armor holding pikes stood at attention to either side.

_What do you know... pikes really do have hooks sticking out the back._

"Everypony remember the plan?" Twilight spoke up confidently to a chorus of nods.

That pony's transformation from nervous wreck to fearless leader over the past few days had been nothing short of amazing. It seemed to Shawn that she actually drew strength from organization and careful planning. Hopefully, that attitude would survive better than plans often did on first contact with the enemy.

Shawn grinned and preempted her as she paused to take a deep breath, "Elements, roll out!"

The ponies barely stopped to wonder at the strange phrasing before following after him.


	9. In Celestia's Not So Secret Service

Eyes. So many eyes. And every single one pointed in her direction.

_Well, that isn't entirely accurate..._ Twilight thought as she glanced around, _Although it sure feels like it._

Shawn walked alongside them down the red carpet stretched out across the courtyard, his height and... uniqueness drawing most of the attention away from her and the rest of the Elements. Without a formal announcement, most everypony at the party wouldn't know them as the Elements at first sight. Even the Canterlot Castle regulars probably wouldn't be able to recognize them just from an image on a stained glass window or two.

One again, though, the human seemed to thrive on attention. He insisted on tipping his top-hat at every single passerby and seemed to have adopted some strange accent. She had to admit... Rarity had especially outdone herself with his outfit, mimicking a style of traditional diamond dog wear Twilight had helped her find in a book on tribe culture. The suit was a classic gentlecolt-white vest with neck ruffles, complimented by black pants and a long-tailed overcoat borrowed from the same book. The top-hat had been an original touch... Rarity claimed they were coming back and she would not be left behind on the fashion curve. Whatever that meant.

The fashionista in question preened with pride as she adjusted the tails on Shawn's coat one last time, making sure they hung down at just the right length. Several of the diamond dog higher-ups had already asked about the design.

"Show off..." Rainbow grumbled beside her, though the smile twitching at the corners of her mouth softened the criticism.

Even the normally stoic guards couldn't help but gawk at the strange creature's mannerisms, it seemed. And while it was a bit unorthodox, Shawn was staying well within the behavioral parameters she had established for him as part of the plan. In fact, she was almost disappointed that she might not get to use one of the many contingency damage-control plans she had drafted for him. Almost.

"Good evening to you, madame! Jolly good party, what what?" Shawn leaned down and kissed a lady mare's offered hoof. She stepped back with a dainty giggle, letting the party proceed to the of the magnificent building where the princesses and a distinguished looking diamond dog awaited.

The dog was considerably shorter than the guards at the main gate, though still about as tall as Shawn. Standing next to the princesses, the old, frail looking fellow actually looked rather dreary, in spite of the resplendent assortment of jewel encrusted gold accessories. Still, the dog wore an open, welcoming smile on his face, stroking his long beard in clear delight at both his current company and the approaching group.

"Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Ambassador Baron Von Bones," She curtsied to each in turn, receiving polite nods in return, "Thank you for your kind invitations. We are all very pleased to be here."

Twilight flashed a bright, genuine smile. Her speech had been delivered flawlessly. She'd just known all those hours practicing in front of Spike would pay o-

"Celly, old bean! How utterly delightful to see you here, of all places. And this must be the ambassador you've told me so much about about!" Shawn stepped past her and proffered his hand to the ambassador, who stared at it.

_Breathe Twilight, just breathe. You planned for this. _she reminded herself.

Ambassador Von Bones suddenly stepped forward and took Shawn's hand, gamely going along with the human's greeting shake, "Princess, you did not tell me new ambassador would be such fluent speaker of Equestrian. I am struck by inadequacy, Mr... I apologize, memory is not what used to be..." The dog's voice was sharp and gravelly, with stretched out syllables and deep guttural consonants distorting his speech.

Twilight's ears tried to lower themselves at the grammatical errors and missing words, but she reminded herself that he was neither a native speaker, nor under the influence of a translation spell. She was sure that, given the circumstances, she could keep herself from correcting him for at least one night. Taking a deep breath, she prepared to deliver the carefully composed rebuttal that would hopefully allow her to extricate them from this situat-

"Delightful! Ambassador Sir Dr. Shawn Palpatine Spencer... the indubitable. Pleasure to make your acquaintance. This is my associate and personal secretary, Twilight Sparkle, AKA Baby Hastalavista."

_It's okay. It's no problem. At least he said your real name first this time. You have something prepared for this, too... just-_

"Oh ho ho. This must be fabled _human humor_princess spoke of. Very different. Very funny."

Shawn grinned widely as princess Celestia stepped forward, a bright smile on her own face.

"It is heartening to see you two get along so easily." The princess spared a wink in Twilight's direction, "I would also like to take the opportunity to... more formally introduce Twilight Sparkle, my most diligent student, and the rest of the Elements of Harmony."

"Ah! The heroes! I am most honored to meet you!"

And, just like that, the princess recovered control of the situation. Twilight silently marveled at her teacher's foresight and social skill. She had seen the princess interact with her subjects many times before, but this was the first time she had actually seen her in her full capacity as a diplomat.

The rest of the introductions went off without a hitch, giving Twilight valuable time to regain her composure.

"Now that we're all introduced, let's go show these throwbacks a thing or two about crashing a spiffing party! Tally Ho!"

And promptly lose it again.

oOo

Despite his protests of joking innocence, Shawn was still dragged into an empty room for a stern talking to by Twilight. After he finally convinced her that her concerns were unfounded, she reiterated their relatively simple plan: They were to split off into groups of two, with Rarity as the odd-mare-out due to her existing connections and facility among the Canterlot elite, and methodically cover each area of the party. So as to avoid asking a lot of the same questions and rousing suspicion, each team had a predetermined set of inquiries they were to work into each conversation as they mingled.

The plan was elegant, if a bit convoluted, and required the working cooperation and synchronization of the whole team to work. In other words, it was exactly the opposite of how Shawn was used to doing things and was doomed from the start.

Not that he'd ever tell her that.

Shawn just needed to behave for a little while longer. At least until Rainbow could ditch Applejack and meet him at the gardens out back during the... confusion he'd arranged for dinner. He glanced at the massive, ornate clock hanging from one of the walls.

_Looks like I got about half an hour to kill..._

"Ambassador Spencer! I had thought you lost in mill of ponies." The huffing diamond dog ambassador caught up with him and Twilight just as they stepped back into the main lobby. The dog nodded politely to Twilight, but it was clear that his eyes and attention - along with those of most of the rest of the room's occupants - were on the human guest

"Ah, Ambassador Bones. Twilight was just telling me about the most curious cultural overlap. Did you know that Equestrian and Diamond Dog societal hierarchies seem to have a common historical divergence point? It seems that Equestria made the transition from a tribal system to a congressional monarchy at around the same time that Diamond Dog culture progressed from a feudal monarchy to its current form of class-based tribal oligarchy."

Twilight's jaw very nearly hit the floor. Had she forgotten that she'd recited the exact same lecture during the short carriage ride to the embassy?

It was also entirely possible that she was simply surprised Shawn had actually been listening. Sometimes, though very rarely, he found listening was worth the effort.

Ambassador bones tilted his head, then proudly displayed his canines in a wide smile, "Indeed? Very curious. Just like fact that creature new to this world is already so familiar with pony and köpek history. Must be very studious."

_Köpek?_

"Well, I.." Shawn stopped, trying to figure out the source of the strange choking noises coming from nearby. Both he and ambassador Bones turned to find Twilight looking away and demurely covering her mouth with a hoof.

"Ex-excuse me." She paused to take a deep, shuddering breath, "I must have breathed in some... dust... yeah..."

The ambassador's expression grew dismayed, "Many apologies. I will instruct servants to clean more thoroughly."

"Oh, no no no! It's okay! I'm sure I just dragged some in with me when I came in."

Once again, the ambassador performed that strange head-tilt and grin motion, "Very kind of you. However, dust is dust. And dust belongs outside. Especially in illustrious company. Please excuse."

"... me." Twilight muttered, as ambassador Bones turned to leave.

"Pardon?"

"Nothing! Thank you!"

The diminutive diamond dog met her awkward smile with another odd look before shrugging and walking off.

Shawn had been waiting for this to happen. From the beginning, he could feel the hungry eyes of the crowd as they circled his little conversation with the ambassador, just waiting for the moment to sweep in and inundate him with questions. There was a group (pack, pride, flock? Gaggle... that sounded right...) of griffons in military-looking uniforms already on approach, angling to cut off a trio of well-dressed ponies before they could reach him first and monopolize his time.

Which was the last thing he wanted to happen. He knew that avoiding the limelight entirely would be impossible. One: he was Shawn Spencer, and two: he was the only representative of a previously undiscovered alien civilization... of course they'd want to talk to him. However, he needed to avoid the continued focus of any one particular group. Hopefully, the distraction he had planned would allow him to disappear while everyone assumed he was with someone else.

"Miss Sparkle, care for a dance?" If he'd had the leisure, he might have been insulted by the utterly stricken, horrified look that crossed her face at his question.

"W-what!"

He leaned forward, whispering frantically while maintaining his fake smile, "If we don't move right now, we're going to get mobbed by everyone here in about five seconds. You don't want a riot on your hooves, do you?"

She looked around, finally noticing the crowds closing in from all sides. Shawn was reminded of a video he once saw of a seal stranded in the center of a feeding frenzy. Only these sharks were metaphorical... and much more dapper.

Shawn bore witness, through her features, to what must have been a titanic mental struggle for the little pony. Finally, however, she nodded resignedly and, red-faced, offered him her hoof. Shawn took it in his hand and slowly led her to the open dance floor, shooting significant glances at each group as they stopped and politely - if reluctantly - allowed the two VIPs their dance. It occurred to him that he was being given an undue amount of respect and deference, so he made a mental note to blatantly exploit it as soon as was convenient.

He also noticed Celestia looking on and frowning worriedly at them from the other side of the room. Of Luna, he saw no sign.

_Eeeeexcellent._He wished he could accompany the thought with the evil hand-wringing that felt so natural, but that might look suspicious.

oOo

Rainbow Dash was bored.

That wasn't quite right... to properly convey the intensity of what she was suffering, it would be more accurate to say that Rainbow Dash was _BORED_ out of her bucking _MIND_.

She let out yet another sigh, to which AJ responded with yet another annoyed roll of her eyes.

"Y'know Dash... Ah'm sure time would pass quicker if'n you at least _tried_to socialize a bit!"

"Who am I even gonna _socialize_ with, huh?" she spat the word like a curse, "The Wonderbolts haven't showed up to one of these since the one _we_went to and the rest of these ponies are a bunch of stuck-up, prissy snobs!"

A nearby stallion's monocle popped from his eye in indignity and plopped into his drink.

AJ shot her a dirty look before smiling and going to the scandalized unicorn. Rainbow Dash would have never suspected the normally straight-talkin', cattle-wrasslin' earth pony (the only one at this party) could be just as prim and proper as Rarity when the need called for it... but there you go.

_I guess you never really finish learning new things about your friends._ She made a mental note to include that in the next letter she wrote to the princess. It had been long enough since her last one that Twilight was starting to get on her case about it again. _Speaking of new "friends"..._

Rainbow squinted, looking out over the railing to the first floor and trying to spot the distinctive shape of her future partner in prank. She used the word _friend_ lightly, but in reality she wasn't sure that was really the case. Sure, they shared a similar sense of humor and, sure, he made for a fun drinking buddy. But she'd only known him for a few days... and becoming _her_ friend was no mean feat (nor small honor). He'd have to earn her trust. Preferably by doing something truly _awesome_.

"Where is that giant monkey hidiOH... MY... GOSH..."

AJ trotted back from whatever damage control she'd been engaging in.

"Ah swear, Dash! Yer jus' dee-termined to make this night as difficult as poss-... what are you starin' at?"

The cyan pegasus could only point in mute bewilderment at the scene that was unfolding below.

"Is..." Applejack squinted, "Is that... Twi? With _Shawn_? On the _dance floor_! What is that hay-for-brains thinkin', draggin' poor Twi out into a gosh darned _dance floor!_" The earth pony looked around, raw panic in her eyes as the hopelessness of the situation sunk in.

Of course, there was only one thing that Dash could possibly do in response.

"Pfffffffft... PAHAHAHAHA!" Laugh. Laugh long and hard until she could no longer draw breath. Until neither her legs nor wings could support her and she collapsed to the ground, tears in her eyes.

What happened on that floor was not pretty. Shawn was clearly not graceful, though that might have been due to the strange movements generated by his awkward shape. Maybe among his species he was a celebrated dancer. Who knew? What Rainbow Dash _did_ know was that Twilight most certainly was _not_.

AJ had pulled her hat down over her eyes, her groan the very essence of sympathetic, tortured shame as the rest of the crowd stared in hypnotized horror.

For her part, Rainbow credited the alien for managing to look not the least bit nonplussed at the uncoordinated carnival of twitching limbs that Twilight liked to call "dancing".

In fact, it seemed like Twilight's movements had galvanized him into a contest of who could be more ridiculous.

And, then... well... a funny thing happened.

Shawn ran up to the band and said something. She couldn't make out what it was from all the way up on the second floor, but he immediately started clapping, motioning for the instrumentalists - minus one lyre - to speed up the tempo. Amazingly enough, they did.

Before anypony even knew what was going on, he'd managed to somehow drag several ponies, griffons, and diamond dogs - servants and nobles alike - onto the floor. They stood around for only a few confused moments before the human was among them again, dancing like a madpony, clapping faster and forcing the band to switch from classical music to a beat that would sound familiar to anypony who'd ever attended one of Applejack's barn parties.

Suddenly, the diamond dog ambassador was also there, laughing uproariously and trying to copy Shawn's frenetic movements. On seeing this, the other diamond dogs already on the floor immediately shrugged and joined in, prompting the rest of the fellows Shawn had pulled into the growing circle to follow along.

And, just like that, the floor filled up.

Rainbow Dash, now recovered from nearly passing out laughing, glanced over at AJ, who was looking on in wide-eyed amazement. Ponies, griffons, and dogs were pushing past, trying to either get a better look or make their way down the stairs to the dance floor. She spotted princess Celestia, her regal station preventing her from joining in on the fun, though not from laughing as she tapped a hoof in time to the music.

Out of a corner of her eye, Dash saw the alien... no, her _friend_... again, looking up at her and making a very distinctive motion with his hand: his fist extended out towards her with the thumb sticking up into the air. He nodded when she met his gaze and ducked back into the crowd, heading in the direction of the gardens.

Rainbow Dash grinned and spared another glance at AJ. The earth pony was still staring, completely flabbergasted.

"Well, we can't ask any questions like this, so I'm gonna go join in, okay? See you at dinner." She probably needn't have bothered with the lie.

"Right... yeah... sure..."

Swiftly taking wing out the nearest window, Dash quickly circled up and around the mansion. Fortunately, since the embassy had taken full charge of security, there were no pegasi patrols to worry about. And even the professional diamond dog guards couldn't help but peek curiously towards the commotion going on inside, entirely forgetting to actually look up on occasion.

Her initial scouting mission finished, she swept down into the gardens in a silent dive that ended in the bushes next to an unguarded wall. Now to just wait for him to show u-

"Psssst... Dashie!"

"Gah!"

Shawn's whisper from the nearby bush had nearly given her a heart attack. In response, Rainbow Dash graced him with her best death glare, to no apparent effect.

"Shawn! How did you get here so fast?" She leaned up to look over his shoulder, "Did anypony see you?"

Shawn shook his head, "Everyone's way too busy with the impromptu dance party. I managed to slip out the back while they were all watching ambassador Von Awesome trying to break dance." He paused to grin, "That old dog's surprisingly spry for his age."

Rainbow Dash couldn't help a snicker at Shawn's nickname for the ambassador, "Von Awesome... it _so fits_."

"I know, right!"

They chuckled about it for a moment under the cover of the thick shrubbery that hid them, before a thought struck Dash.

"Wait... how did you know you'd be able to get everypony to join in on the dancing?"

Shawn paused and gave her an odd look, "I didn't. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing."

"What? But then... what if it didn't work?"

"Well, that wasn't the distraction I had planned, anyway. The real one is _guaranteed to_ keep their attention for a while."

She sat back and crossed her arms, causing him to stare at her joints again. She'd noticed he tended to do that whenever any of them did anything with their front hooves. A question for later.

In the meantime, Dash needed to stop forgetting Shawn wasn't Twilight. On the face of it, it didn't seem like a hard thing to do... like, _at all_... but she was so used to the fastidious unicorn doing all the planning whenever they did anything serious that it was proving surprisingly difficult. Maybe she could pretend she was working on a prank with Pinkie Pie. That seemed to fit better.

"So... what _did you_ have planned?"

The corners of Shawn's mouth twitched up in an involuntary smile, showing just enough of his canines for it to look predatory... evil, even. The creepy hand-wringing wasn't helping, either.

_Oh, no..._

"Shawn... what did you do?"

And then he told her.

oOo

Twilight pushed and shoved her way through the menagerie around her. All the griffons and diamond dogs, and even some of the ponies, were taller than her, making it difficult to spot her target. How was she having such a hard time finding a giant monkey in a room full of... not giant monkeys!

_Shawn..._the frantic thought invaded her mind once again, her rampant imagination filling her head with images of all the havoc the alien could cause if left to his own devices. As brilliant as he clearly was at deduction, whatever bit of his brain that handled common sense had clearly atrophied from lack of use.

She growled in frustration as yet another lead turned to a dead end. It seemed like everypony had seen Shawn, but each and every one of them was convinced he was with somepony else.

"Twilight?"

The eponymous mare startled and turned at the soft voice, instantly recognizing it, "Princess Celestia!"

"What are you doing wandering around in the lobby? It is almost time for dinner..." The princess's happy smile faded somewhat as she looked around, "Where is Shawn?"

Twilight's head drooped as she let out a defeated sigh, "I... don't know..."

Princess Celestia matched her student's sigh and raised a wing in invitation, "Well... I cannot say this was entirely unexpected. When did you last see him?"

There was always an area of empty space within a short radius of the princess, which nopony seemed willing to invade. Whether out of respect, reverence, or fear, Twilight couldn't say, but she gratefully stepped in close to her mentor, relieved at the sudden increase in elbow room. The princess started a slow walk back towards the dining hall, and she had no choice but to follow along or reenter the crowd.

"The last time I saw him was when we were dancing." Her face colored again at the memory, "At one point he said he needed to... go to the little colt's room... and then he didn't come back..."

The princess's smile returned for a brief moment when Twilight mentioned the dance, "Are you sure he has not simply joined one of the other Elements?"

"That's what worries me! I talked to Applejack and she said Rainbow Dash went missing, too!"

"Oh dear..." Celestia hummed as she fell into her thoughts.

Whatever else the princess had in mind to say about the situation was interrupted as a loud gong reverberated throughout the large hall. Ambassador Bones stepped onto the podium near the back wall, past the three massive rectangular tables that could likely accommodate everypony there and then some.

"Greetings, fellows!" his magically amplified voice reached every ear in the room with ease, "I have been told it is custom to make inspiring, long-winded speech about unity and mutual understanding before dinner. After all that dancing, however, I have feeling most of you would be too busy thinking of meal to hear me talk." The old dog waited for the chuckles and polite clapping to die down before continuing, "In which case, I will make this quick..."

He cleared his throat, then looked out at the audience with a wide smile, his eyes lingering on Twilight and the princess, "I would like to thank princess Celestia for allowing us to host merged celebration, while being so generous in helping to fund accommodations for expanded guest list." Another pause for applause, "It is great honor for us to dine with such distinguished company as graces tables tonight. It is barely time for dinner, yet already I have met many interesting guests. And I am sure we will all have time to become well acquainted over rest of evening. However, I ramble... bring out appetizers!"

More enthusiastic clapping followed, as dozens of the small-ish dog servants marched out from the twin doors that led to the kitchen, carrying large, covered silver trays. An oddly familiar scent reached Twilight, causing her nostrils to twitch.

"As added bonus, this first course is from surprise guest chef!" Ambassador Bones gestured excitedly toward the kitchens.

"Oh... dear..."

At Celestia's quiet whisper, the Element of Magic looked up to see the one thing she had never expected to find on her teacher's face: surprise and... was that fear?

"I am informed it is selection of dishes from pony culinary culture as it was over thousand years ago, prepared with love by Canterlot's own Princess Luna!"

oOo

"You're a monster."

Shawn sighed as he peeked around the corner of the white stone building. Apparently, Twilight had somehow found the time between all that planning to warn the rest of her friends against being suckered into trying the moon princess's cooking. If her retelling had done the crimes against nature Luna called food any justice, he could understand why Dash might feel that way.

Signaling the all clear, Shawn looked back at the scowling pegasus behind him, "Oh, come on, it's not all that bad. It's only the appetizers... they'll get over it... eventually."

"No, not that!" Dash huffed, clearly struggling to keep her voice down, "You pulled what could be the biggest prank of the century and you _left me out of it_!"

Shawn stopped and winced at the rise in volume at the end, "Sorry!" he whispered back, "I'm sorry, okay! I didn't know how you'd react if I told you what I was planning!"

Rainbow Dash only glared back at him from her own position pressed against the wall.

Another sigh, "Well... look at it this way... when we find that evidence, you'll still get to be the big hero that broke open the most important case of the century."

Dash stopped and thought about that for a moment, "So... you'll let me take all the credit?"

"Don't be ridiculous, of course not." It occurred to him that this particular model of pegasus seemed to come with clearly labeled buttons for him to push.

Before she could start frowning at him again, he continued, "BUT, I will split the credit with you, which is fair considering that I don't plan on telling a single soul that I was the one who got Luna into that kitchen."

"It's not gonna take Twilight that long to figure it out, you know..."

Shawn paused, hoping she was wrong and knowing she was right, "... I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. In the meantime, I'm pretty sure we're at the right spot. Let's get up on that roof."

Rainbow Dash eyed him appraisingly before shrugging and stretching out her wings, "Your funeral. Hop on, sidekick."

"... Did you just call me the sidekick?" Shawn sputtered indignantly, "I'm not the sidekick! You're the sidekick!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just hop on."

The mischievous grin she sported gave him no comfort as he awkwardly sat on the colorful saddle that decorated the part of the dress just behind her wings.

_Now that I think about it... why in the world would they use saddles as part of their formal dr-_

The thought vacated his head, likely left somewhere on the castle grounds along with his stomach and his hat. The violent take-off had actually been so sudden and jarring that he'd briefly experienced tunnel vision. Shawn had expected the little blue pegasus to have at least _some_trouble carrying his weight. He'd even been worried that she might be too tired after getting him to the roof to follow him into the building.

Silly him.

They landed with an audible thump and he threw himself to the ground, panting in delayed panic and hugging the weathered wooden flooring for all he was worth.

"Were the loops entirely necessary!"

Rainbow Dash didn't even have the decency to look remorseful, rubbing a hoof on her dress before inspecting it smugly, "Not really."

Walking past him to a door set into the floor as he rose unsteadily to his knees, she gripped a metal ring with her teeth and lifted it up and open, revealing a darkened stairway leading into what was likely an attic of some sort.

"Remind me again why we didn't just head upstairs from inside?" Dash asked, impatiently tapping a front hoof.

Shawn took a moment to collect himself before answering, "The roof isn't accessible from outside the castle without flying, so most, if not all, of the guards will be posted on the first couple floors and looking for people heading up... not down." Feet finally under him, he tottered to the stairs, "Besides... everyone knows the villain always keeps the secret files somewhere near the top floor. So, we'll start our search at the top and work our way down."

"Huh... I guess that makes sense." Rainbow Dash nodded sagely and used a wing to point down at the oppressive darkness that dominated the stairwell, "So... did you happen to bring a torch with you, genius?"

Shawn smiled and drew his iPhone, with its distinctive green cover, from his pocket. He'd been very careful to keep it out of sight and off as much as possible. Partially because he wanted the batteries to last, and partially because he'd been afraid that if Twilight saw it was more than just a piece of decorative plastic, he'd probably never see it again.

_No helping it now, though. I'll just have to get Dashie to keep it a secret._

Which, considering the look of absolute wonder on her face as he activated the flashlight app, might be a lot easier said than done. He preempted the thousand and one questions he could see in her eyes by lifting a hand to his mouth in the universal shushing gesture and heading down the stairs.

They ended at yet another door, also unlocked. Shawn opened it just a crack, checking to make sure the hallway beyond was clear before stepping through. The soft light of the oil lanterns that hung from hooks on the plain stone walls every few feet was just enough to see by, so he put the phone back in his pocket. Unlike the bottom floor, it looked like the dogs hadn't bothered to do much in the way of decorating. Dust hung thick in the air. That and the complete lack of windows or guards gave it a very distinct atmosphere...

"It's like an old dungeon up here..." Dash coughed from behind him.

"You think we'll run into a dragon?" Shawn joked, but was reduced to quiet discomfort when Dash only shook her head grimly.

_Note to self... remember that dragons are a thing here._The only one he'd met so far had been a baby, leaving him to wonder just how big they got.

"Ooookay... why don't we just start checking doors, then?"

After each of them grabbed a lantern off the wall, the search went by fairly quickly. The floor they were on seemed to be comprised entirely of storage rooms, most of them packed end to end with nondescript wooden boxes labeled "Kitchen Supplies". Sighing, Dash was about to close the door to the last room when Shawn stuck out his hand, stopping it.

"Hey... you notice anything weird about those crates?"

Rainbow raised an eyebrow at him and stepped back into the room, looking at them more closely, "Ummm... well, every single crate is labeled 'Kitchen Supplies'. What kind of kitchen needs this much stuff?"

Nodding, Shawn stepped in after her, "Sure. That too." Reaching over, he ran a finger across the surface of the nearest crate and put it close to her face, "Notice anything missing?"

The pegasus scrunched up her eyebrows, "A hoof?"

"Noooo..."

"Come on, just tell me!"

"Let's try again." Shaking his head, Shawn reached out and ran the same finger across the surface of the nearest wall, leaving a blank streak where the once was a thick layer of dust. Again, he presented Dash with the finger, though this time her eyes lit up with realization.

"There's no dust on these! They must have put them up here recently!"

Nodding now, Shawn hefted his lantern and continued, "_Very_recently if the amount of oil left in this thing is anything to go by. Now the question is... why would they put 4 rooms' worth of 'kitchen supplies' in storage right before they're supposed to have a giant dinner party?"

Once again he reached over, gripping the edge of a crate's lid and lifting it up to reveal its contents.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me..."

"What is it?" Dash leaned over, bringing her lantern closer to get a better look, "It's just a bunch of red sticks... what's all that string sticking out of them fo- hey!"

As slowly and carefully as he could, Shawn pushed Dash away by her face and placed the lid back on the box. The urge to panic and run screaming was pervasive, but doing that might end with one of the lanterns getting broken, which would be bad. Really bad.

"Okay Dashie, I need you to listen and listen very carefully."

Despite his best efforts to hide it, Rainbow must have noticed the stark panic in his voice, because she actually shut up and did what he said.

"Whatever you do, do NOT open your lantern or let it break. Those sticks will explode and kill everyone in the embassy if they catch fire. We're going to back away nice and slow, head downstairs and get-"

"Ah... very unfortunate..." The soft voice that rose up from behind them was no less startling for its familiarity.

Shawn flinched and turned around, a dread certainty stabbing at his heart.

"Ambassador Bones!" Dash exclaimed, "Somepony's put explosives up here! We need to warn... the... princesses..." The pegasus trailed off at the grim look on the diamond dog's face.

"That is... not part of plan Miss Dash." The dog grumbled menacingly, while stroking his long beard.

"Of course it isn't..." Shawn spoke up, anger rising, "We just uncovered a major power play here, didn't we, Ambassador? Man... I thought you were cool..."

"You misunderstand-..."

"Oh, I understand." Shawn growled, putting things together, "The ponies have a lot of land and no real military... by all rights you should have been able to just waltz in and take it. Unfortunately, they happen to be under the protection of an unbeatable living sun goddess. So you got sneaky... you pretend at peace and treaties, all the while the dogs you bring into the embassy harass, threaten, and kill until every major merchant in the market district of Equestria's capital and biggest city is under your thumb. You thought If you couldn't take over the country directly, at least you could control its economy."

Interestingly enough, the dog flinched at every word, while Dash became red-faced with anger.

"But your lackeys messed up, didn't they? And the ponies started to catch on. It's only a matter of time before the trail leads back to you, so you're going to blow up all the evidence, the leadership of the Royal Guard, and maybe even take out the princesses all in one go. And since it's _your_embassy blowing up, you'll be the last one they ever suspect. You'll come out of this squeaky clean and ready to pick up where you left off..."

The dog nodded sadly, "A brilliant deduction. You miss only few important bits. It is-"

"Why!" Dash screamed, startling both Shawn and the ambassador.

"Pardon?"

"Why do all of this! The princesses offered you peace! We could have been friends! Why do you hate us so much!"

Shawn's eyes narrowed as the dog sighed once again.

"There is saying we köpek have: A well has two bottoms... the water and the ground. When water become murky, you cannot see one past the other... I am sorry, but I was given no choice in matter." The dog looked up and met Shawn's eyes, "I do not hate you. Like you, even. But I must still kill you."

"Oh yeah!" Dash reared up, flaring her wings out as far as they could go, "You and what army!"

The dog stepped back and what appeared to be a solid grey wall took his place. It took a moment for Shawn to realize that this wall had hooves. And hands. And killer abs.

The flesh-mountain ducked into the room, bending over nearly double and revealing horns followed by the head of a bull. Once fully in the room, it reared up to nearly full height - its horns forced it to tilt its head at an awkward angle to fit - and shouted, the veins in its neck pulsing, "Once again, it is time for Blind Rage, professional head-stomper, to _do his job_!"

"I don't suppose a 'professional head stomper's' job is to quiz people with clever riddles..."

Blind Rage incoherently bellowed what Shawn took to be a no.

In response, Dash let out her own battle cry and charged, but the beast simply reached out with one massive arm composed entirely of corded muscle and forcibly shoved her into the wall. Hard. So hard, in fact, that chips flew as she was actually _embedded in the stone_. The cartoonish way she stuck after the minotaur removed his hand would have been funny if it hadn't been so pants-shittingly terrifying.

Shawn heard Dash groan and sighed in relief... he was happy she could survive a hit like that, though decidedly sad that the same couldn't be said for him.

"Blind Rage is disappointed he can't reach up to stomp the little pony's head!" The minotaur's beady eyes, nearly lost in his face's neanderthalian features, shifted to the only other target in the room, "Blind Rage will simply have to console himself with stomping the little alien's head and watching it burst like a watermelon!"

"Hey! My head doesn't look anything like a watermelon! If anything, I'm more of a grapefruit-shape. At worst, an orange..."

Blind Rage stomped forward, rapidly closing the little distance that was there in the first place. Well beyond the point of panic, Shawn dove behind one of the boxes, then raised his lantern over it threateningly.

"I'll do it, I swear!"

The minotaur paused and tilted his head, "Blind Rage is confused at your meaningless threat! Blind Rage has not been scared of the dark for several years!"

Shawn sputtered... he hadn't really been counting on the monster being literally _too stupid_to intimidate with a fiery death. His bluff called - however incidentally - Shawn prepared for his inevitable head-stomping when the minotaur's words came back to him.

_The dark..._

Dash's lantern had gone out when she got slammed into the wall... his was the only source of light in the room! With one last careful look around, Shawn opened the little hatch protecting the weak flame and quickly puffed it out. The minotaur snorted and mooed in anger, his eyes unable to adjust to the pitch blackness.

Navigating by memory and counting on his luck, Shawn ran to the side and around where Blind Rage had last been. It sounded like the minotaur was stomping the floor in frustration. A brush and a fresh breeze tussling Shawn's hair confirmed enormous grey arms were flailing around dangerously. The crash of a box of dynamite being smashed to splinters followed soon after, which made Shawn wince.

It didn't take him long to reach the spot where Dash was still "hanging out".

_Oooo... gonna have to remember to use that one later. Maybe follow it up with: 'out cold'!_

Shawn didn't even bother trying to be quiet as he yanked Dash out of the pegasus-shaped indentation, Stompy McDumbass was making more than enough noise to mask any sounds he made getting her down. Unsurprisingly, he dragged her out of the room to find the ambassador long gone.

His pondering over what the next step should be was interrupted by the smell of smoke, and he realized just what the ambassador had been up to... the ratty, old carpeting that covered the floors throughout the hallway had been set on fire. Probably from wherever the entrance to the main stairwell was. And with all this dust in the air, the flames wouldn't even make it to the dynamite before the whole place went up in a giant fireball.

oOo

"Shawn did this... I just know it." Twilight stared over the crowd of refugees, recently escaped from the dining hall, which was already being called "the disaster zone". Nopony seemed to be joking when they said it.

Celestia directed an amused glance in her direction, "Well... it could have been a lot worse."

Of that, Twilight had no doubt. Only about half the tray covers had come off before the servants caught on to the source of the smells, and they had promptly started taking whatever they could out back. Much damage, however, had been done.

Damage that, if she had her way, Shawn would answer for.

"Perhaps ambassador Von Bones can shed some light on this." The princess used a wing to point over the crowd to the back wall. Twilight had to hop up and down, but she managed to catch a glimpse of the old diamond dog walking furtively toward the exit.

_Of course! The ambassador disappeared soon after the meal started... maybe he noticed Shawn's absence and went to find him._It seemed like a reach to her, but one worth trying. None of her other leads had yielded anything, and the princess had been staying strangely silent throughout the whole ordeal. She just needed to get through the crowd.

"Uhh... princess... would you mind?"

Celestia hummed distractedly, "Hmm? Oh... of course!"

Signature smile in place, the princess of the sun walked at a quick pace - though not so fast as to disturb her regal bearing - parting the crowd before her with her mere presence.

Twilight hoped she could learn how to do that some day, though it was likely god-hood was a prerequisite for the skill.

With Celestia leading the way, it took no time at all to catch up to the retreating ambassador.

"Ambassador Bones! Wait a moment, please!"

Strangely, the diamond dog flinched at her voice and looked nervously back and forth between her and the doorway across the room.

Now she was _sure_that he knew something. He and Shawn had been acting mighty friendly... was it possible that the human had pulled the respected ambassador in on the prank? Now that she thought about, the timing of their respective disappearances had been all too convenient. She was reminded of what Shawn had said... it really was like a puzzle, and she felt like she was finally getting an idea of what the picture on the front of the box was supposed to look like.

Baron Von Bones' mind was made up for him, as Twilight and the princess finally caught up.

_I've got you now, Shawn._She thought triumphantly.

"Ambassador... where have you been?"

The dog's eyes widened and he suddenly developed a deep interest on the princess's golden tiara. It was obvious, even to Twilight, that he was avoiding having to make eye contact with the princess.

"I have been... busy. Ambassador to whole country cannot afford to take whole day off. Even holiday."

"Uh huh..."

His gaze shifted from Celestia to her, "Is something wrong?"

"Don't lie to me ambassador, we know what's going on."

The look of sheer panic on his face said everything she needed to hear, but she continued before he could bolt.

"I know you helped Shawn pull off that prank!"

The dog froze, half a dozen expressions running through his face before settling on what looked suspiciously like a relieved grin.

"Ah, yes! Prank!" He laughed, "I must admit: You caught me... however, if you wonder where ambassador Spencer has gone, I must also admit I wonder same. We were supposed to watch results together, but he did not meet me in designated spot."

Twilight narrowed her eyes. He _had_confessed fairly quickly. She supposed there was no reason for him to feel the need to cover for Shawn if he was so ready to cooperate.

She sighed and kicked the floor with a hoof, "Alright... thanks anyway."

The ambassador nodded happily to both of them and turned to walk away, when an almighty crash resounded through the lobby as the main doors burst open.

oOo

Growing desperate, Shawn had been trying to yell, then shake, then slap Rainbow Dash awake. After a few moments, the tough mare actually woke up, rubbing her head, then her face, where she'd been slapped repeatedly.

"Ow! What was that for!"

"No time! Carpet's on fire! This place is going to explode! Fly out the way we came in and warn the princesses!"

Rainbow Dash looked around fearfully, then back at him, "B-but... what about you!"

They didn't have time for this. Not if Rainbow and her friends were to survive.

"Go!" He shouted in her face and pointed up the hall, hoping to shock her into action, but was stymied when she got right back in his face.

"_NO!_" And then she picked him up in her front hooves and shot off like a cannon, taking a turn into the stairs they came down faster than seemed physically possible and painfully wrenching Shawn's neck in the process. He just wasn't built as tough as these ponies seemed to be.

_Oh... that works, too, I guess._

They shot out into the open air, then down and around, much faster and even more violently than when she'd taken off the last time. In no time at all, they burst through the doors past a surprised group of guards and a large crowd of sickly creatures milling about in the lobby.

He pointed ahead, having spotted princess Celestia and Twilight speaking with ambassador Bones, directing Dash towards the villain.

Taking advantage of the momentum inherent to the speeds at which they were traveling, Shawn jumped forward out of Dash's hooves once they got close, screamed, "DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY, BITCH!" and socked ambassador Bones in the jaw hard enough to break his own hand and send the old dog flying backwards.

Twilight's aghast gape was perfectly matched by Celestia's as he turned and grabbed at the princess's slender, white horn with his uninjured hand, forcing her to meet his eyes. A familiar, shivery feeling overtook him as he shouted, "No time to explain! This place is gonna explode any second! Do something!"

Celestia, in what was probably the most un-princess-like moment she'd had in many thousands of years, yelped and yanked her head back out of his grip, her horn lighting up with a brilliant glow as the world was consumed by fire and noise.


	10. Windy With a Chance of Cloudcakes

Ringing. That's all he could hear.

In the darkness behind his eyelids, the world around him turned and tumbled. He gripped the grass, willing the world to sit still.

_Grass?_

"Shawn... don't fall asl... hear m... Shawn..." The voice was muffled, barely audible through the white noise that plagued his ears.

Warmth enveloped him. A familiar feeling, but with a different... taste? Sound?... it was hard to describe. Like a blind man seeing color for the first time in his life.

_Color... that seems right..._

The world around Shawn finally settled, his mind grounded itself, and memories began to flood back along with his hearing.

"_SHAWN!_"

"AAAHHHH!" He sat up with a start. The scream had come from inches away from his left ear and had nearly left him deafened again.

"Oopsie... sorry."

He turned, finally recognizing the voice as Pinkie Pie, who smiled awkwardly, backed up a few steps, and dashed off to who knew where. In retrospect, he was not surprised that Pinkie's scream was actually loud enough to wake the dead.

_Wait... I'm not dead, am I?_

Opening his mouth, Shawn began to voice the thought when the world hit him right between the eyes. Though, for once, not literally.

They were outdoors, next to a stone and marble structure, but not the one they'd been inside of only a moment ago. In fact, this one looked suspiciously like the Royal Guard Headquarters. A slightly singed Twilight sat in front of him, her horn lit by a dying glow and her face a confused mixture of expressions he wouldn't even bother to try to tell apart until she settled on one.

"Shawn... w-what... did... what did YOU _DO_!" Horrified outrage it was.

Having a laundry list of questions he considered far more important than answering hers, Shawn chose what he thought would be the easiest one to start with, "How long was I out?"

"A few seconds-" she answered reflexively before shaking her head and resuming her glare, "No! _You're_ not asking the questions! _I'm_asking the questions!"

Shawn started to rub his head with his injured hand, then cradled it with a wince when it forcibly reminded him that it was probably broken, "Sheesh... is that any way to treat an injured friend?" Actually, it didn't hurt nearly as much as it should have. Had she numbed it?

"The princess and I search and search for you and Dash, then when we finally find you, it turns out YOU JUST BLEW UP THE DIAMOND DOG EMBASSY AND KNOCKED OUT ITS AMBASSADOR! So... YES! YES, IT IS!" Twilight performed what Shawn thought was a fairly credible impression of the Cap'n at his angriest, though her laid-back ears and frazzled mane gave her a look that was more frantic than calculating.

"Whoa, hey! Why would you assume _I_blew it up?"

A breeze rolled in, carrying with it smoke and ash from a spot across the city he now suspected was the smoldering crater where there once was an official foreign government building. Now that he looked around, he could see hundreds of shell-shocked party guests, milling about in confusion. Guards, both injured and fresh, rushed back and forth from the main tower, carrying supplies and escorting medics past a group of nervous, armed diamond dogs encircled by twitchy, armored unicorns. The ponies seemed to be rallying around a strange, light-pink pegasus in an almost-over-the-top fancy uniform.

He'd apparently been miraculously transported from one powder keg only to be dropped into another.

"So... you _didn't_have anything to do with this?" Twilight's volume dropped several decibels, and the relief was plain on her face.

"Well... that's not... _entirely_true..."

She groaned, ducking down and putting her hooves over her head, "Now the diamond dogs are going to declare war. And the princess will have to banish us to some desolate wasteland as a peace offering, where we'll have to live out our days eating weeds just to survive..."

"Speak for yourself. I have diplomatic immunity."

She tilted her head to glare balefully at him with one eye.

"Besides," Shawn continued, "At most, I only ended up getting the TNT set off earlier than it was meant to. And I warned the princess in time for her to do... whatever she did..."

The glare continued for a few more seconds, before she blinked, apparently absorbing his statement and calming down a bit.

It occurred to Shawn that Twilight should have heard all of this from Dashie already. He glanced around once more, looking specifically for the cyan mare. She was laying on the grass, heaving as if she'd just sprinted a marathon while carrying her own weight in rocks... which, if he thought about it, was pretty much what had actually happened. Just beyond her, in a very similar state, lay Celestia. And just beyond _her_stood Luna, watching over the unconscious diamond dog ambassador.

"Did... did the princess seriously teleport the entire crowd in the lobby halfway across the city?"

Twilight shook her head in response and Shawn started to grimace at the thought that anyone had been caught in that explosion.

Then she spoke, "It looks like everypony in the compound, and even some bystanders across the street, got caught in her spell."

Shawn whistled. That was... a _lot_of people-... ponies?... creatures.

_God, this is confusing._

"Could you do that many?" he thought to ask.

"Are you kidding?" Twilight finally stood up, apparently having decided that despairing wasn't going to help anyone, "On my own, I could maybe do five or six, if I really strained myself..." She paused to take in the full size of the crowd, "This... I can't even _imagine_being able to do this. Not without the Elements of Harmony."

"Wait wait wait...I thought you and your friends _were_the Harmony... thingies."

She raised an eyebrow at him, "Shawn... we covered this... we're just the chosen vessels for the Elements. Granted, we have certain... unnatural abilities because of it. Like Dash's toughness or my facility with magic. But, in the end, we're just avatars. The Elements themselves are the eternal, material representations of the primal energy we refer to as 'higher magic', or 'Harmony'."

"So... you're the Elements. But only because you use the Elements. But you still have special powers even when you don't have the Elements on you, because you represent the six elements that represent Harmony. Did I get that right?"

She nodded, "Honesty, Laughter, Generosity, Kindness, Loyalty, and Magic. With our powers combined-"

"I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!"

Twilight stopped and stared at him for a moment, "I'm... not sure what to say to that."

With a shrug, Shawn started walking toward the princess, "In my defense, if you were me you wouldn't have been able to resist, either."

"I'll take you word for it."

It was worth noting, to him at least, that Twilight was getting progressively quicker at adjusting to these moments. Maybe all that exposure to Pinkie Pie had made her more psychologically resilient than the average pony.

"So," she continued as she followed him, "if you didn't blow up the embassy, who did?"

He looked back at her, "Now, what would be the fun in just giving away the big revea-"

"It was the ambassador, wasn't it?"

"Damn it, Sparky!" Shawn glared at her, "Why you gotta be like that?"

The mare smiled smugly up at him, "You're not the only one who can put clues together to make a logical deduction."

"Maybe... but you know what the difference is between you and me?" he responded with an equally smug grin, "I make this look _good_."

They arrived before the princess, cutting off whatever she was going to say in reply.

Celestia was not looking her best. Her mane was dull and lay flat, her normally purest-white coat was now slightly grayish, and her eyelids drooped with exhaustion. In spite of this, she somehow managed to sit perfectly straight, emitting an aura of regality that was very nearly palpable.

"Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student," She nodded at her protégé, who bowed before her, "And Shawn... I hope you have a _very_good explanation for..." The princess paused to nod towards the column of smoke, "That."

Shawn glanced over his shoulder, then raised an eyebrow at her, "Well, clearly that building was in need of some remodeling. I mean, did you even _see_the top floor? I've never seen a shoddier dungeon. And who even puts a dungeon on the top floor of a building, anywa-"

"Shawn!" Twilight doing that baleful-glaring thing again.

"The ambassador did it!" he blurted.

Now she had her head buried back beneath her hooves.

Celestia, for her part, was busy staring back and forth between him and ambassador Bones.

"I assume there is more to the story than that." She arched an eyebrow and motioned for him to sit with a wing.

Twilight, finally having put herself together again, stood next to Celestia as Shawn gingerly took a seat in front of the princess, carefully cradling his hand.

The sun deity's gaze shifted to his injury and became visibly worried, "Are you alright?"

"I got a booboo." he admitted with a fake pout as he held up his injured appendage, "Since Twilight was nice enough to numb the pain, I take it you guys can't just fix broken bones with magic?"

The princess laughed, then shared a glance with her student, who managed to look both wry and concerned at the same time as she stepped forward.

"Unfortunately, 'healing' with magic simply involves speeding up natural processes. And if we don't get a doctor to set the bones in your hoo-... _hand_first, they'll end up crooked." Twilight paused her lecture to shake her head, "Even then, it'll take days for the bones to knit."

"That's a no, then."

"Yes."

"So it's a yes?

"No."

"No to yes or no to no?"

"What?"

"No, What's on second. Who's on first."

Twilight glanced helplessly at the princess, who cut in with a renewed smile, "I am glad you can bring a measure of levity to distract from this otherwise dire situation, Shawn. However, you should present whatever evidence you have before I am forced to place you under arrest."

If Shawn had been drinking anything, he would have performed the world's most exaggerated spit-take, "What! But... the dynamite _was_the evidence... I thought I had immunity!" It would be Shawn and Dash's word against the ambassador's. He certainly hadn't seen that minotaur wondering around in the crowd.

Even Twilight was giving her princess a surprised look.

"Please, do not misunderstand..." Celestia sighed, "It is obvious to me you had nothing to do with it, but I gave you that immunity on Equestrian soil. The embassy is United Tribes territory. And every pony, griffon, and diamond dog at the gala saw you and Rainbow Dash burst into the lobby and attack the ambassador right before the explosion. Unless we can convince them of your innocence, the diamond dogs will be within their rights to call for your extradition to United Tribes lands. 'Arresting' you myself might cause some diplomatic issues... however, it will also give us enough time to find a way to get you home. Hopefully it will not come to that, but I will not abandon you to them after what you did for us this night. Now... what happened?"

That's when it clicked. Something had been bugging Shawn for a while... a question niggling at the back of his mind, triggered by something Twilight had said right before she started yelling.

_"The princess and I search and search for you and Dash..."_

A scene flashed before his eyes:

He stood in the princess's study once again, in the midst of presenting his theory on the merchant-pony's murder.

_Celestia frowned and looked anxiously in what Shawn assumed was the exact direction of Lyra's room. It was a little eerie how the princess could just tell where the unicorn was._

Shawn's eyebrows scrunched in thought and allowed the silence after her question to stretch into awkwardness.

_She set me up._ It was the most obvious answer, but his brain dismissed the thought as soon as he had it, _No... that's definitely not it. But she's hiding__something._

He needed answers and he was going to get them.

"Hey, Sparky, why don't you get the others so I don't have to do this twice again? 'Sides, I need Dashie here to coordinate my story."

"It's _corroborate_, Shawn. Saying coordinate just makes you sound guilty... -er..." Twilight sighed, then glanced at Celestia, who nodded in confirmation before the purple mare ran off to collect her friends.

She seemed mildly startled at his narrow-eyed stare, "Is something wrong?"

"You tell me."

The princess actually seemed put off by this as she gave him a questioning glance.

Shawn sighed and continued, "You knew exactly where Lyra was the _moment_we told you she'd been threatened, but I'm supposed to believe you spent half the party completely unable to find me or Dash? Why did you pretend to not know?"

He almost regretted those words, as at that moment the princess... deflated. Her posture, so regal and confident, became slumped and tired.

"I suppose I should not be surprised." she chuckled sadly, then looked up at him, ashamed but unapologetic, "I suspected, as you did, that the culprit was somepony close to the ambassador. I also suspected you might try something... unorthodox. So I listened in on your plans with Rainbow Dash. And, in spite of my instincts warning me of the danger, I allowed you to follow through." The princess sighed, "I had no idea our enemy would be so... vicious. It is not like the United Tribes to so casually disregard the lives of the innocent."

Shawn pondered this for a moment, "Okay, you didn't trust the new guy to not do something stupid. That's fair. You still haven't answered my question, though."

"Because, for the first time in a thousand years, I find myself at a complete loss." The princess turned to meet his eyes, once more full of pride and wisdom, yet tired beyond measure, "Even in the very old days of _true_monsters and demons, which relished the taking of innocent lives, the foes Luna and I fought and eventually banished were... transparent. Their motives and presence was a clear and present danger. And while some of them struck from the shadows, you knew what it was that you were supposed to fear emerging from the darkness." She looked over to the ambassador, now surrounded by medics, "Friends were friends. Foes were foes. And evil either fled before the light or attacked it head on." The sun-goddess turned her face away from that scene, incidentally looking in the direction of the shattered embassy, "This was not darkness. Darkness is easy to see in a place like this... it makes itself known simply existing. This evil was invisible... empty. Striking through corrupted proxies and eating away at my ponies and my weaknesses until..."

Celestia stopped and sighed, sitting silently for a moment.

Shawn felt for her... genuinely liked her, even. But, if experience had taught him anything, it was to never leave_any_stone un-turned. That kind of negligence could come back to bite you hard. It could end with your loved ones lying on a beach somewhere... shot. He shoved the memory away.

"Tonight, I chose to place my trust in you, Shawn. And I will continue to do so for as long as you prove yourself worthy of it." She smiled at him, "And, tonight, it just happened to pay off rather nicely."

He preened at the praise, which apparently caused the princess some measure of amusement.

"Although," she continued with a serious look, "we _will_ be having a serious discussion about your... _methods_when we get back."

His smile disappeared with a gulp.

o0o

It was only a few minutes after Twilight returned with her friends that ambassador Bones finally regained consciousness. The old dog looked even more tired than Celestia, and his posture cried defeat rather than defiance. Still, princess Luna kept a close eye on him as she escorted him back to their little gathering.

"I don't get it... why can't the princess just stare him into telling the truth?" Dash muttered sullenly.

"Because," Twilight whispered, "she does that by temporarily imposing her will on somepony, overriding their own. She can force somepony to tell the truth that way, but that also means she could force them to lie... which is exactly what the ambassador will claim she did if she does."

The pegasus's only response was to continue muttering darkly. Personally, Shawn kind of wished he hadn't heard how that worked... he'd _just_gotten over being thoroughly intimidated by the princess.

By this point, Bones was close enough to see Shawn. The ambassador flinched and took a step back, bumping into the princess of the night behind him, "What is violent ruffian doing unguarded!"

"Hey! He may be a crazy, out-of-control, alien monkey, but at least he didn't try to kill everypony, you bu-!" Dash's shouting degenerated into a series of muffled exclamations as Applejack clamped down on the pegasus' muzzle with both front hooves.

"Eh heh... sorry 'bout that, princess." Applejack chuckled nervously as she continued to hold down her increasingly enraged friend.

Luna only shook her head in response, while the ambassador held a grim silence. Things probably weren't going according to plan, and he didn't seem to be very good at hiding how upset that made him. Still, he had enough wherewithal to pretend at confusion when Celestia bade he stood before her.

This was going to be tricky. Shawn didn't want to get "arrested". Not because he feared being restrained to his room in the castle, but because it would mean he could no longer be involved with the case. He'd been kicked off cases before, but he'd never let that stop him from seeing them through to the end and he wasn't about to let that perfect record get end now. However, to avoid it, he needed evidence of the ambassador's guilt, and the only one who could provide that now was... well... the ambassador.

"What is meaning of this?" The question that finally broke the silence sounded suitably confused, yet was delivered in a low tone with narrowed eyes. Bones undoubtedly already knew the answer, but it looked like he was going to stick to his ignorance play.

"Oh, you already know what it's about... _ambassador_." Shawn put as much derision as he could into the word, "We already know you've been commanding your dogs to intimidate the ponies in the merchant quarter through threats and violence in a nefarious bid to dominate Equestria's economy. All the evidence we've found points to _your_embassy."

The ambassador growled, "If köpek _were_involved, I assure they will be punished to full extent of United Tribes law. However, I find insinuation being made by dangerous, criminal alien appalling. Almost as shocking as you," He shifted his glare to Celestia, "even considering taking seriously."

The princess remained silent in response, forcing the dog to look back to Shawn.

He'd asked... begged, really... that Twilight and her friends remain quiet no matter what was said. They all agreed, some more reluctantly than others, though they insisted on sticking around to see what happened. He could already see by the tight-lipped grimaces on Twilight and Rarity that this was going to test their promise and their patience to their limits.

"We know it was you. Even if you hadn't given yourself away by personally siccing your pet minotaur on me and Dash, all we had to do was catch a single one of your dogs and have one of the princesses here make them point us to the rest. It's over, Bones."

"This is ridiculous. I was at party whole time. And I have never met any minotaur, personally."

_Okay, now for the obvious jab._

"Yeah, right. The princess and Twilight here can testify to your convenient disappearance during dinner. Tell me, Bones, where'd you get all that dynamite? Did Blindy the minotaur get it for you? He almost certainly had to cart it all up those stairs for you, old dog. You sure no one saw him?"

He knew the ambassador was smart and careful, a tough opponent in any sort of match of wits. It was going to take every trick in Shawn's book to confuse the wily old dog into making a mis-

"I assure you no köpek saw Blind Rage in embassy."

Everyone held their breath, as Shawn stared at the ambassador in shock.

_No way..._

"Shawn never told you his full name..." Twilight breathed, just loud enough for all to hear.

Bones stood there, staring at the ground glumly, before sighing loudly and falling to his knees, "Fine... you caught. I planned whole take-over. Forced other dogs into it."

The ponies broke into cheering, as Luna bound the ambassador's hands behind his back and bound them with glowing, blue energies.

Shawn could only stand there, gaping at an opponent who'd just walked into literally the oldest trick in the book. It couldn't be that simple... he'd spoken with Bones extensively and still had not the slightest inkling that the ambassador had been behind everything until the dog tried to have him stomped. Had Shawn simply misread him? These weren't the actions of a brilliant ma-... dog trying to get away with a crime. He may as well have thrown the-

The ambassador had walked right into Shawn's obvious verbal trap.

He'd _walked_right into it.

With a flash, Shawn was back in the dungeon:

_Shawn's eyes narrowed as the dog sighed once again._

"There is saying we köpek have: A well has two bottoms... the water and the ground. When water become murky, you cannot see one past the other... I am sorry, but I was given no choice in matter." The dog looked up and met Shawn's eyes, "I do not hate you. Like you, even. But I must still kill you."

The present came crashing back. Twilight and the others listened closely as Dash retold the story, while Celestia and Luna conferred over the kneeling disgraced ambassador.

"Are you alright, Shawn?" Fluttershy used a forehoof to pull carefully at his broken hand, "Does it still hurt?"

"He didn't do it..." Shawn whispered.

"W-What?"

"He didn't do it." Louder this time.

The rest of the ponies quieted down, turning to stare at him in disbelief.

Shawn turned to ambassador Bones, who paled noticeably.

"You really _didn't_do it, did you!" He yelled this time.

The glare Bones sent his way was full of as much anger as fear... and it was all the confirmation Shawn needed.

_Well... crap..._

o0o

"Shawn, what in tarnation are you blatherin' about now!"

"Yeah! Whaddaya mean he didn't do it! You _saw_him order that big lug to stomp us flat!"

Applejack and Dash's confused shouting was starting to draw attention from some of the bystanders. Fortunately, Twilight came to his rescue.

"Calm down, everypony!" The purple mare sighed, rubbing her temples with a hoof before turning to Shawn, "Although, it _is_a legitimate question..."

Once again, every eye was on him as he approached and knelt in front of the ambassador, who snarled at him.

"What have you done?" where Bones' voice had been gravelly, now it was downright guttural, "You dig and dig. You dig so far, you hit molten stone and you and _everyone around you_hurt."

Shawn answered with the simplest question, "Why?"

The diamond dog only laughed. But it was the kind of laughter that comes from finding that one tiny bit of humor in the horribleness of a situation. The kind of laughter that always ended in tears.

"Shawn...?" Twilight's hoof gently prodded at his shoulder.

"The promise, Sparky." He glanced back at her, pleading with her not to interfere.

It took her a moment, but she finally nodded and stepped back, watching silently.

"Man... I know you didn't plan this, Bones." Shawn turned to face the kneeling dog, "Or maybe you did... you're definitely smart enough for it."

Bones continued to glare at him.

"You're not a bad guy... dog. You're educated and witty. You have a good sense of humor and a position of power. You're _already_flithy rich... you don't have a real motive. Hell, you even told me yourself that you like me. Well, maybe not anymore... but you did."

The dog's lip turned up as he growled again.

"But you're covering for someone. Someone who's got something on you that you think is worse than whatever these ponies can do. Who is it, Bones? And what do they have on you? What's so important that it's worth your good name, your honor, and even the risk of starting a war?"

"_My family!_" the ambassador finally snarled, tears in his eyes, "It has my _family!_"

Shawn distinctly heard Rarity gasp, but ignored it, "Who has them?"

"My children..." Bones moaned, "Their children. My brothers and their children. All are hostage." He looked up, begging Shawn with his eyes, "All will die if this comes back to it."

Memories. Horrible memories of his mental battle with Yang ran through his mind. Those feelings of sheer, mind-numbing terror at the possible deaths of his loved ones. Dad, Gus... Jules... These were the tactics of someone or something that was utterly ruthless and cunning. A sociopath and manipulator of the highest order. And the only way to beat that...

"Let him go." Shawn said with finality, "And be sure to let everyone know how cooperative he was."

The ponies looked confused. Except for princess Celestia, who grimaced, but remained silent.

He heard her again, in his mind. _"Tonight, I chose to place my trust in you, Shawn. And I will continue to do so for as long as you prove yourself worthy of it."_

Ambassador Bones was cunning. Shawn knew that, because his expression went from one of confusion to one of utter terror almost immediately.

"No! You cannot do this! They will all die! It will kill them!"

Shawn only shrugged as the dog howled.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Twilight begin to step forward, anger in her features. Her advance was stymied by her mentor, who extended a wing in her path and shook her head.

"Or..." Shawn began.

Bones stopped and stared at him, cautiously.

"You _actually_cooperate."

"Then they all die anywa-"

"Not necessarily..." Shawn paused to stand up and stretch, before turning to the implacable Luna, "Princess, please arrest me on suspicion of involvement in the bombing of the Diamond Dog embassy and take _both_your new prisoners to the castle for questioning."

Luna hesitated but, after a nod from her sister, eventually wrapped his arms in a cocoon of blue magic. The rest of the ponies gaped as he took a seat next to the ambassador, who stared at him in utter confusion.

"Here's the deal, Scooby. We won't let you go... in fact, we're going to pretend we think you were the only one behind this. In exchange, you tell me who's pulling your strings, so I can help you cut them."

The ambassador shook his head, "They will know as soon as you start investigation-"

"That's why there won't be an official investigation. Only an escaped, suspected bomber looking to join up with whoever's got a grudge against the ponies that falsely arrested him."

Bones stared at him, and Shawn held his breath as the dog considered his proposal.

"The Shadow."

"Huh?"

"Its name is... 'The Shadow'."

o0o

"Are you _crazy_!" Twilight shouted for the fifth time.

Or was it sixth? Shawn had lost count.

"Yeeeeaaahhh... I hate to agree with the paranoid bookworm, but this one's a bit out there. Even for you."

_Et tu, Rainbow Dash?_

Shawn sighed and settled himself more comfortably against the wall as he waited for the pegasus guard detail to arrive. He'd gotten Luna to loosen the magical cuffs a bit for both him and Bones, who sat, leaning silently against the wall a little further down.

"Look, I know it's crazy. But this is our only real lead and this is the only way we can follow it without getting a bunch of puppies killed."

Fluttershy whimpered at the thought, while Applejack and Rarity tried to speak over each other.

"How can ya reasonably expect ta solve this problem with more lies, when lies're what got you in this dang pickle in th'first place?"

"There must be a better way. Did you learn _nothing_from our own previous misadventure, Mr. Spencer?"

The farm pony and the fashionista huffed at the exact same time in the exact same tone, then gave each other a look. He started to snort, but it was cut short when both glares were immediately redirected back at him.

"Are you _crazy_!"

_Seven. I'm gonna call that one the seventh time and keep count from there._

"I think it's kinda smart, in a tricky sort of way!"

"Pinkie Pie!" Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Applejack cried in unison.

"Are you _crazy_!" Twilight finished for the other three.

Shawn started to say something else, but stopped and stared at the frazzled librarian, "Wait, was that one to me or to her?"

"Both of you!"

He thought about it for a moment, then shrugged, _Yeah, okay, that counts. Eight._

For her part, Pinkie Pie smiled, nodded, and chanted, "Abso-possibly-yup-a-roony!" in a disturbingly nonchalant way.

There was a moment of silence as Shawn and the mares digested the simple truth of this, before it was broken by a familiar earth-shattering roar.

"_SPENCER_!"

Shawn took his earlier thought back. Comparing Twilight's adorably-flustered-kitten hiss to the rage-volcano known as the Cap'n was patently unfair.

He sat straighter, trying to spot the approaching white pegasus in elaborate, golden armor. However, the only winged pony he could see was the blond-maned pink stallion in uniform from earlier. That fop was sure to be surprised when the Cap'n came barreling through.

_Huh... those other ponies sure seem to be giving him a lot of sp-_"Oh... my god."

"Captain Aegis!" Twilight exclaimed from beside him as the mares made room for the Cap'n to stand, "Let me explai-"

"No. No explaining. No excusing. No _nothing_."

"Well... that's actually a double negative... so, does that mean you want... me... to..." Protégé of the princess and national hero she may be, but Twilight withered under the Cap'n's intense glare just as any other pony would.

"_You_." The Cap'n drew out the word into a hiss, shifting his glare toward Shawn, "You caused this. Somehow, you're responsible for this in some way. And I've been given the odious task of escorting you back to the castle, so I can find out how."

Wings twitching, the Cap'n dragged Shawn to his feet by the glowing, blue manacles and whispere-... well... shouted slightly more quietly, "The only good thing about this whole bucking night is the blissful joy I'm currently deriving from the act of arresting y-"

"You're pink..."

Aegis paused, staring at Shawn as his expression soured even more, "... and there it goes. Your talent for leeching every last bit of emotional stability and happiness from me is unmatched."

Shawn knew, on a visceral level, that laughing at this point would be tantamount to suicide. The bit of his brain in charge of self-preservation crushed the insipid impulse quickly, viciously, and with no mercy. Unfortunately, in its zeal to annihilate the obvious enemy, it completely forgot about the bit of Shawn's brain in charge of snarking at authority. Self-preservation could only scream in despair as it realized its fatal mistake.

"I'm flattered, Cappy. Really, I am... but I'm in a long term relationship and I've never really wanted to experiment with a horse. Except sort of in that one dream I had when I fell asleep watching Moulin Rouge. But, in my defense, that was a centaur and I'm pretty sure that movie gave me an acid-trip."

The Cap'n stared at him for a moment, then spoke, "I only really got the first half of that... but, fortunately, it's all I need to remember for the report on why I had to buck you through a wall."

Like Shawn's sense of self-preservation, the Elements of Harmony could only watch in morbid fascination as the quixotic scene unfolded.

"Buck me throu-... wow... you need to come up with a better pick-up line. That euphemism's a little too forward."

Twilight blinked, looking mortified, "This whole time... Shawn... **b**uck _isn't_ a euphemism for anything. Especially not _that_!"

"Wait... really?" he paused for a moment, "Actually... AJ's job description makes a lot more sense now."

He interrupted the apple farmer's indignant exclamation with yet another sudden thought, "... what about 'horse-apples'? Does that one not mean ba-"

"No!"

Twilight's frustration was overshadowed in Shawn's mind by the smile of a glaring, pink pegasus currently holding him up with one foreleg, "I'm going to hit you now. A _lot_."

Shawn braced himself for the inevitable impact as Aegis drew back a hoof.

"Windy Cloudcakes, what in Celestia's name do you think you're doing!" A melodious voice cried out from behind the Cap'n, who's eyes widened in panic upon hearing it.

_Windy..._

"Honeydew... I..." Aegis slowly and carefully set Shawn down, "I was just helping this prisoner to his feet."

_Cloudcakes..._

A petite, white unicorn mare in an expensive-looking dress themed around a melon cutie mark stepped into view around Aegis to look Shawn up and down. Her bright, mint-green eyes widened as she pranced forward and spoke excitedly.

"Oh my! This must be the _human_everypony was talking about!" She stopped and turned to pout at the Cap'n, "Well?"

Aegis emitted a tortured sigh, "Honeydew, this is Shawn Spencer, an alien criminal. Spencer, this is Honeydew Cloudcakes. My wife."

_Windy Cloudcakes..._It was far more than anything Shawn could have hoped for.

"Windy, you never told me you were married! And to such a lovely, young lady!" Shawn smiled at the mare, who simpered in return.

He was pretty sure he actually _heard_ the vein pop on Aegis's... no... _Windy's_forehead. Pinkie Pie's muffled giggling probably wasn't helping.

"Charmed." Honeydew trilled in her sophisticated accent, "I'm sure this has all been a terrible misunderstanding." She turned to Windy, "Right, dear?"

Mr. Cloudcakes, as Shawn would likely mentally refer to him for a while, shuddered and put on the world's most obviously fake smile as he turned to his wife, "Of course, honey."

Shawn chuckled, "Honey. I get it... because it's her name, but also an endearing nickname. Mr. Cloudcakes, you clever pony, you."

Honeydew giggled and waved as Mr. Cloudcakes put a hoof that was shaking with barely restrained violence on Shawn's shoulder, leading him toward the just-arrived carriage hooked up to four armored pegasi.

"It was a pleasure meeting you, darling!" she called out.

"Oh, believe me, Mrs. Cloudcakes... the pleasure was all mine." Shawn called over his shoulder at her, then turned to look at her husband, "I'm going to pay for that later, aren't I?"

"Painfully so."

Shawn digested that for a moment as they all boarded the carriage before speaking again, "'Horse-apples' is _totally_a euphemism, isn't it?"

"Shut up." Aegis barked at him, then muttered sullenly, "... yes."

Grinning, Shawn leaned back in his seat next to the nervous wreck of an ambassador and relaxed. Soon enough would come the time for serious questions and, hopefully, real answers.


	11. The Surprise Identity

Shawn Spencer.

Suave psychic, debonair dilettante, E.T. extraordinaire and... prisoner of pastel ponies.

_God, that's really lame. Batman would never subject himself to these indignities. Well... Val Kilmer batman wouldn't. Adam West batman..._ Shawn shuddered and violently derailed that train of thought. As far as he was concerned, Val Kilmer was the _only _batman.

The prison carriage shook again, managing to hit yet another "bump" in the proverbial aerial road. As sleek and aerodynamic as the pegasi up front were, nothing changed the fact that they were still pulling what essentially amounted to a large, hollow brick. At least one of the guards had been nice enough to spare some cloth and a stick so Fluttershy could fashion a rough splint around his hand. The resetting of said appendage was fairly unpleasant, but Twilight's numbing spell, and a bonus hardening spell for the splint, made it so he could almost forget it was broken... right up until he needed to scratch his nose, anyway.

Supposedly, it should only take a week to recover with the healing spells in effect, then he could scratch whatever he wanted whenever he wanted.

""So... let me get this straight..."

Shawn's attention was drawn back to the Cap'n, who had donned a spare set of armor the guards had brought him and returned to his old white and blue color scheme.

"You're going to risk your life and _my country_ on the word of the dog that, not an hour ago, literally tried to _blow you and everypony else up_!" The Cap'n finished with a shout, causing both Twilight's and the ex-ambassador's ears to fold. For his part, Shawn wished his regrettably immobile ears could do the same.

"Well, anything'll sound silly if you say it like _that_." Shawn replied.

"No! No it won't!" The Cap'n actually looked over to Twilight, as if pleading with her to say something sane. To his great disappointment, however, the mare simply shrugged with a resigned half-smile.

After a few moments of somber silence, Aegis continued his lament, "It's moments like these that make me wonder when I'll wake up from this salt-fueled nightmare..."

_Nightmare..._

Strange half-images invaded Shawn's mind, juddering as they attempted to overlay themselves on reality.

_"Nightmare? Really? Dude, 'The Shadow' is a much cooler supervillain name. Wait... Did you just seriously pause for dramatic eff-"_

The world spun and he flinched backwards with a yelp, slamming his head against the back of the enclosed carriage and nearly kicking Twilight in the face. Suddenly, everything went black.

_**"CROSS ME AND DIE!**_

The shout echoed across his consciousness, leaving him in a strange daze as his sight cleared up enough to reveal a very worried looking Twilight inches away from his face.

"Shawn!" She took his shoulders in both hooves and shook him, "Shawn, wake _up_!"

Shaking his head and blinking, Shawn scrambled back unto his seat from the small space in the middle of the carriage. Ambassador Bones growled, crouching up against the side as far away as he could get from the crazy human. Twilight retreated to her own seat, eyeing him warily while the Cap'n... well... glared, pretty much as usual.

A rather awkward silence ensued.

"What was that?" Twilight was the first to break it.

"I'm... not sure..." Shawn brought a hand to his forehead. The magical manacles had disappeared as soon as he'd stepped into the carriage. The fact that Bones's hadn't should probably offer some important insight into how magic actually worked in this world. However, Shawn was far too busy trying to figure out what the hell he'd just seen.

It had _felt _very much like a flashback: One of the vivid memories he often called up from the depths of his eidetic mind to reanalyze an important scene or event. Except, this time it had been less like remembering, and more like getting a serious déjà vu from a daydream. As if he hadn't remembered an actual event, but a memory of an event.

_Memory-ception?_ he thought, then grimaced, _Boy, does that sound stupid._

Having no explanation to give, he remained uncharacteristically silent. Everyone was still staring at him when they finally touched down.

o0o

It was eerie, really, how some things really did seem to carry over no matter what universe you were in.

For instance, Shawn found himself in a gray, dreary stone room with nothing but a low table and a one-way "mirror" on one wall. The pony version of an interrogation room had several negatives when compared to the one he was used to, however. Primarily, the lack of anywhere for a human to sit.

_This is getting ridiculous. _He thought. The ponies had benches. He'd seen them strewn about the gardens of the castle and the crater-formerly-known-as-embassy. Why didn't they have chairs!

Shawn struggled to keep his thoughts cheery as he sighed and shifted about, trying vainly to find some way to lean comfortably against the wall. By this point, he was giving serious thought to simply lying down on the wooden table and taking a nap. There was a decent chance that the oaken furnishing would be significantly more comfortable than the floor.

In fact, that's precisely how princess Celestia found him when she finally stepped into the room, an hour or so later. At least, he assumed she stepped in. He supposed it was also entirely possible that she teleported in without the usual light-show. Whichever it was, it would likely forever remain a mystery, as the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was a spiraling, alabaster, _-_

"AUGH-...!" he flinched and rolled over, forgetting in his panic that he had been napping on a table four feet off the floor, "OOF!"

Princess Celestia stood across from him, a slightly upturned lip and a raised eyebrow the only signs of her amusement at his expense.

_If I was in a TV show, this'd be the worst running joke ever. _his thoughts turned sour as he stumbled groggily to his feet.

"Good evening, Shawn. Glad you were able to find a spare moment to rest." she quipped.

He shot a glare at her, "You... did you just punk me?"

"Whatever do you mean? I was merely waiting patiently for you to awaken from your well-deserved nap."

Shawn couldn't deny it... the princess was good. She also looked much better than she had before, having regained much of her color and vibrance in the brief time since he'd last seen her.

"I'll get you for this." he muttered under his breath.

"I look forward to seeing your best efforts." Celestia didn't even try to hide her smile this time as she magically flicked something small and red into his hand. It seemed to be a pebble of... some... sort...

_Oh... right. _Shawn pocketed the smooth, little stone, as a symbol of her official declaration of prank-war.

"Now," she continued, "I believe we were going to discuss your... behavior during the Gala?"

"Uhhh..."

"Come, we'll talk as we walk." she motioned with her horn as it lit up, opening the heavy door to the interrogation room and leading him down the wide, dim hall and up a short flight of stairs.

"You have an incredible talent for causing trouble, do you know that?" the princess started.

"I do my best." he shrugged.

Celestia looked up and to the right, but it didn't stop Shawn from noticing the hint of a smile that briefly played across her muzzle.

"I'm certain that you do. But, be that as it may," her tone became more serious, "that propensity has now landed you in a rather troublesome position." Celestia paused to shoot him an amused glance, "I gather this is not the first time this happens."

"Pretty much every week." he admitted, "Wednesdays are particularly bad for some reason."

She nodded as they reached a pair of large wooden doors, where she paused, "Things are about to become a lot more complex. And the plan you have proposed will have you acting with much more autonomy than some of my advisers are are... comfortable with."

_Gee, I wonder who_ that _could be._

"Still, many of the Elements have vouched for you. As have I, in spite of your recent _recklessness_. You're going to hear that word a lot in the next few minutes, by the way. But, before that, I want you to promise me something:" Princess Celestia turned and tilted her head down towards his, meeting his eyes as her prismatic mane flowed around him, "_Please_... when you find whatever is doing this, do _not_ try to confront it on your own." her eyes narrowed as she stared Shawn down, "The creature responsible for all of this is likely far too dangerous for you to face alone. And it is _my_duty to protect my subjects... or avenge them."

The princess waited for him to nod before smiling again, "And, besides," she stepped back and opened the doors with a burst of magic, "while you may not be one of mine, I would nonetheless hate for you to come to harm."

Shawn hesitated before the entryway, for once giving genuine thought to the idea of being extra careful.

_Wait..._ many_?_

o0o

"... and that's when he jumped out of my hooves and decked Bones." Dash finished her story with a mid-air loop and an uppercut.

While Twilight Sparkle would never - _ever _- say it where Shawn had even the slightest chance of hearing, she had to admit it was a pretty thrilling tale. Shawn had even shown some surprisingly overt signs of heroism. Horribly misguided, recklessly dangerous heroism. But heroism nonetheless.

She glanced over to the ambassador, who had quietly listened to the story from his seat on one of the padded benches built for visiting diamond dog diplomats, but had failed to actually contribute anything.

They were all in various sitting positions throughout the cozy meeting room located next to the throne room, which was where Twilight thought all the _real_negotiations probably took place. As such, it was furnished for comfort, rather than opulence. Well... except for the long buffet table equipped with every sort of snack available. Twilight considered it to be a little on the excessive side, unless the castle staff had somehow deduced that Pinkie Pie would be there and doing her best imitation of a parasprite on the deserts.

"It _was_mighty brave 'o him, what he said." Applejack admitted grudgingly, "But it was also mighty reckless. I just cain't see no sense in lettin' somepony with no lick 'o sense to call his own run 'round loose with no supervision."

"Oh, come now, Applejack. It's not... _that _bad." Rarity's half-hearted smile and hoof waving didn't convince anypony.

The doors opened, drawing everypony's attention to the princess as she stepped into the room, Shawn in tow. Celestia seemed about to say something, but was quickly cut off.

"Okay, before we can do anything, let's just get all the dirty laundry out into the open."

Rarity's hoof made a beeline for her face, accompanied by Twilight's own sighing groan. The rest of the mares just stared in confusion at the strange phrasing.

_It's like he waits until the princess is around to be as embarrassing as possible!_ Twilight admitted to herself the thought was probably unfair. As far as she could tell, he'd never actually _waited_to do embarrassing things.

"Some_pony _here, spoke out against my trustworthiness, and I intend to find out wh-"

"Yeah, that was me, Shawn." Applejack raised her hoof, tipping her hat back to display a raised eyebrow.

The human sputtered for a moment, before shooting the apple farmer a glare, "What! I'm totally trustworthy!"

"Yer a compulsive liar with no common sense 'n the attention span of a 2 year old filly!" Applejack shouted.

"How dare you!" Shawn shouted back, "I am _not _a compulsive liar! In fact, I only ever tell the truth- okay, I see what you mean..."

"Don't git me wrong," Applejack continued more calmly, "Anypony can tell yer heart's 'n the right place. _An'_ you did save us all tonigh'. But you're just _too _dangerously reckless to do this all on yer'own."

Shawn quietly surveyed the room for a moment before asking, "So... all of you think I'm 'dangerously reckless?'" he made a strange motion with his hands on the last two words.

Twilight sighed again and finally spoke, "Show of hooves, girls."

Her own, Rarity's, and Applejack's went up the fastest. Fluttershy was more timid about it, apologizing as she raised hers. Rainbow Dash actually looked conflicted, before a cough and a pointed look from Rarity got the pegasus's hoof halfheartedly into the air.

Shawn crossed his arms, but them smiled when he looked over at Pinkie Pie, who remained still, "Well! Thank you, Pinkie, for the vote of confidence!" He looked back over to them, "See! Not everyone here thinks I'm dangerous!"

"Oh, you're definitely reckless." the pink mare chriped, "You're just _hilariously _dangerously reckless. But they didn't say that, so I can't raise my hoof."

"Fine!" Shawn threw his hands up in the air and sat down on a spare cushion, "Let's just talk to Bones. We'll figure out what to do about these connotations against my person afterward."

Twilight tried to wrap her head around this new malapropism, "Conno-...? Do you even-...? I swear, I-It's like you randomly use big words you've heard before in an effort to sound smarter!"

"Twilight, don't be so innocuous."

"Gah!" She sat back and brought both hooves to her head in an effort to contain the oncoming headache.

Celestia took the opportunity to step forward, clearing her throat and quieting Shawn with a look.

_Forget clearing crowds,_ Twilight thought to herself, _I want to learn how to do_ that_!_

"Due to... recent events..." The princess paused to shoot Shawn another inscrutable look, "It has become obvious that there are larger forces at play here than we first realized. Among them, this 'Shadow' seems the most dangerous. Please step forward, ambassador."

Bones sighed, his tone melancholy, and did as he was bid, coming to a stop in front of the princess, "With respect, it is called '_The _Shadow', highness."

"Ya keep sayin' '_it_'." Applejack interrupted, "Why not 'he' or 'she'?"

"Does it matter?" Dash asked.

Twilight had a thought, "It does." she answered, "Because the more we know about 'it', the more likely we are to figure out how 'it' thinks and what 'it' wants."

Celestia beamed her a proud smile, and Twilight had to restrain herself from grinning in delight.

"Many questions, but all easy to answer." Bones chuckled, "I use 'it' because 'it' has no gender. As far as can tell, 'it' is being of pure darkness. Voice is neutral. Always shows self as vague shadow on wall to operatives. Hence, name." He paused, letting that sink in.

Twilight didn't like where this revelation was going one bit.

"As for what it wants?" Bones continued, "That question simplest of all: It wants _world_."

"Of course..." Shawn groaned from his seat, then muttered something about clichéd supervillains.

Ignoring his outburst, Twilight's brain ran a mile a minute as she considered the implications. They knew 'The Shadow' was a threat. They knew it kept itself secret and, judging by the shadow-communication, had access to dark magic. In fact...

"So, 'The Shadow' was the one providing your dogs with spell-shields, right?"

Bones nodded, "It holds _powerful _magics. Has much knowledge knowledge of alchemy, as well."

_Powerful enough to block me by itself..._ The thought was terrifying. By definition, spell-shields could only block as much magic as they had power for. Therefore, the simplest way to break a spell-shield was to simply pour in more energy than it had stored in its matrix. Twilight had poured everything she had into those location spells, which meant that "The Shadow" had enough magical strength to produce at least _two_ shields capable of negating _all _of her power.

After a relatively long silence, Shawn broke in, "How long has it been in charge of your country?"

Even the princess stared at him in shock, though Bones only laughed bitterly, "Who knows. Maybe half-year now?"

"Are you saying that 'The Shadow' is the tribal Alpha? I cannot believe it... I have known him since he was a pup." Celestia's voice had faded to a saddened mutter by the end.

Both Shawn and the ex-ambassador shook their heads, though the human was the first to speak up, "Nah. Whoever you _think _is in charge, probably isn't. That's not this thing's M.O."

"What's M.O. mean, again?" Dash whispered to her.

"Modus Operandi." Twilight realized she was probably coming across as curt, but she needed to listen to this.

"Oh..." Dash paused, then started another whisper, "And what's mo-"

"It means Standard Operating Procedure. The Shadow's way of doing things."

"Ooooooohhhh..."

"... more likely that it's running things behind the scenes. Collecting hostages, blackmail, and whatever else it needs to get the dogs everyone _thinks _are in charge under its influence, gaining even more power. I'm guessing that it's got a bunch of different plans all going at the same time. All of them designed to destabilize the biggest, richest country around." Shawn finished with a shrug.

Bones nodded emphatically, "Correct. This köpek only one of many. Dogs, griffins, zebras, various monster clans... even some ponies, if rumors true, in charge of other plans. Do not ask names. Do not know. Only The Shadow knows."

"They're cells..." Shawn breathed, just loud enough for all of them to hear.

The mares turned to look at him, but he continued before they could ask.

"It's a term for how some criminals set up their organizations on my world. They have one guy in charge, who knows how everything works and who everyone is. The rest of the organization is... uhh... Twilight, what's that thing called when things are separated from each other?"

"You mean, 'compartmentalized'?" Twilight added helpfully.

"That... into groups called 'cells'. And each cell has a leader, who only knows whatever that particular cell is up to and who its members are. All of this can extend downwards several levels... kind of like an upside down tree, if each cell is a branch. That way, even if one cell is caught, they can't give anything up about what the other cells are doing, and you can have several things going on at the same time, so long as the guy at the tippy-top is smart."

"Mr. Spencer is correct. I can tell everything about own operations. Not much beyond that."

Twilight absorbed this as everypony else tried to think of more questions. There just had to be a way to circumvent it... something besides The Shadow that linked all the different branches together...

_That's it!_

"Bones... how did you get the dynamite into Equestria?" she asked, trying to hold back her exuberance at this newly discovered line of thought.

_Don't get excited. It could be nothing._Her attempts to calm herself only half-worked, apparently, as even the dog was giving her a weird look.

"Smugglers. All supplies for operations brought into port city, then parceled out to..." The old dog's eyes widened as he trailed off.

"Twilight, that's brilliant!" Shawn whooped.

The student had to physically reign herself in again when her princess looked to her expectantly.

"Well... what Shawn said about the organization being like a tree made me start to think. If you think of the cells as branches, and The Shadow as the root... something has to get the nutrients the roots collect up to the rest of the tree. A circulatory system of sorts. It'd be cumbersome for each cell to have its own supply network, so if we get to that, we can probably reach out to the rest of the tree."

Celestia nodded in understanding, once again smiling proudly.

"So... when Shawn 'escapes', he'll travel to-" She paused, blushing, and looked back over at Bones, "Which city was it, again?"

"Cauldron."

o0o

"What?" Shawn looked around, confused, "Why is everyone wincing?"

Every pony in the room was doing exactly that, while avoiding looking at him. Needless to say, it was somewhat disconcerting.

"Now, let's not get ahead of ourselves, here." Rarity's voice shook slightly as she spoke up, "This may turn out to be a good thing. If there's anywhere in Equestria that somepo-... some_one _like Shawn can go unnoticed, it's there."

"And now you're ignoring me." Shawn complained, "Cauldron can't possibly be _that _bad, can it?"

"It's _worse _than bad, Shawn." Twilight spoke up from her seat next to him, "I've only ever heard stories - I spent my life in Canterlot before moving to Ponyville, so I'm not exactly well-traveled - but every book on it says it's probably the most lawless city on the planet."

"That's because it ain't got no actual laws!" Applejack piped in.

Shawn raised an eyebrow and looked to the princess. The place sounded far more unruly than anything he'd ever expected from a country directly ruled by a pair of peace-minded goddesses.

Celestia nodded slowly, "It is true. Though, perhaps a bit exaggerated." She paused and walked over to a large, ornate map on the wall, which showed what Shawn assumed was Equestria and its neighbors. The largest and western-most outline on the map, labeled with a symbol of the sun and moon, lit up.

"This is Equestria," the princess spoke directly to Shawn, "To our west is desert right up to the edge of the continent. To our east, our occupied neighbors." Several other lands glowed one at a time. It seemed Equestria and the next two largest were split along a major river, flowing down from the northern mountains and splitting into south-west and south-east bearing branches. The splitting point had a dot labeled with a rusty, old anchor, "The river is called the Ley Line. It is called such, because it is the largest river in the region, and one of the most prevalent sources of fresh water. Most of the clouds that comprise Cloudsdale trace their lineage to its shores."

The ex-ambassador and the rest of mares remained politely silent as the lecture continued. Shawn did his best to absorb as much as he could, which normally wouldn't be all that much, except the princess was a captivating teacher. He noticed that Pinkie Pie was strangely somber through it all.

"The Griffonian Empire sits in the north, its great Eyries occupying the mountain ranges that litter the region, while the United Tribe Lands hold the hills. All trade from countries further east must pass through their lands, which has often led to conflict with the expansively-minded Empire."

"Princess means _wars_." the diamond dog chuckled aloud.

Celestia stopped and sighed, "Skirmishes." she conceded, "True war has not plagued these lands for several thousand years-..."

"Since the Celestia Bodies gained province here."

Everyone turned to look to the entrance, from which Luna had spoken. Somehow, she'd managed to step in without them noticing.

"And in the center of it all," the princess of the night continued, "lies Cauldron: the last of Celestia's great experiments. Both a failure and a success in its own right."

By the other ponies' reactions, this wasn't news to just Shawn. He looked over to the sun princess, who nodded and picked up where she left off.

"A very long time ago, when all of my attempts to diminish hostilities between the dogs and the griffins seemed to gain no traction, I attempted to employ the most basic of strategies for getting recalcitrant ponies to get along... I gave them a place to commune in safety. Often, hatred is a result of ignorance, so I gave up our most prized port city, which straddled the intersection of the three rivers. The Heart of the World, it was called by many. I had hoped its splendor would quell the violence."

Luna took over when Celestia paused, "Perhaps 'gave up' is a bit strong. She opened the city to all comers, declared it a 'free port', exempt from all law, and encouraged the ponies and refugees from the wars that migrated there to establish their own government. Unfortunately, this only resulted in in-fighting amongst the various factions vying for power." The princess of the night cast a longing look at the dot on the center of the map, "The Heart of the World became a cauldron of violence, which only after many years has settled into a... we shall call it a 'working agreement'. It is a center of smuggling and trade, immune to the tariffs and laws of the countries surrounding it. The little peace that has risen there is kept by an inter-species mercenary guard that upholds or bends the law for the benefit of the highest bidders."

"It was a slow, painful loss." Celestia admitted, "Though, not without some gains. All manner of creatures and monsters call that city their home, and violence rarely ever ends in actual death. I have hopes for it, yet... long-term, at least."

Clearly, this was a point of disagreement for the princesses, as Luna shook her head and continued, "Only a few ponies yet remain... the more psychologically hardy, or..." Her glance shifted suddenly and unexpectedly to a certain pink mare, "_intrepid _of our race."

Every eye in the room was suddenly on Pinkie Pie, who only raised her eyebrow, "Why is everpony looking at me? Do I have something on my face?"

"Princess?" Twilight asked, unsure, and looked back over at Luna who continued to stare at Pinkie.

"Pinkamena Diane Pie, do not be so callous as to attempt to lie to your princess." Luna's voice was not angry, but stern.

Shawn would have asked what was going on, except the rest of Pinkie's friends looked just as confused as he felt. A quick search of Celestia's features revealed nothing.

Pinkie Pie sighed dramatically and threw up her hooves, "Fiiiiiiiiiiiine! I admit it! I was the one who ate your private cupcake stash! I throw myself on the mercy of the court!" She then proceeded to literally throw herself at Luna, who stopped Pinkie in mid-air with a motion of her horn.

"That is not what we meant," Luna continued as her eyes narrowed and she continued in a dangerous tone, "However, thou _shall _answer for that later." Her voice had dropped several octaves and her speaking patterns had reverted to their old formality.

_Note to self: Luna goes loony over cupcakes._

The pink party mare only shrugged with a grin as Luna released her magical hold and plopped the pink mare back down on a cushion.

Once again, Celestia chose just the right moment to step in, "There was a brief period of time before _that _Nightmare Night, when my sister attempted to put a stop to all nighttime festivities." she explained, "Luna felt that ponies were, 'too absorbed in their bacchanalian celebrations to appreciate our beautifully crafted night sky!'"

The imitation was creepily accurate and earned an eye-roll from the night princess.

"A certain pony here," Celestia continued with a significant look at Pinkie, "apparently took this hasty decree personally and gained quite a reputation for smuggling party supplies in from Cauldron. I would like for the infamous 'Party Pirate of Ponyville' to take up that mantle once again as Shawn's guide in his next endeavor."

Every single one of Pinkie's friends were staring in open-mouthed shock at the cheery pony, who brought a hoof to her chin in melodramatic consideration.

"Wait..." Twilight suddenly cried, "_That's _why you kept running from princess Luna during Nightmare Night, wasn't it! Not because you had fun being scared, but because you were so used to running whenever she showed up that it was reflex!"

"And why she's always storing random stuff everywhere!" Dash added.

"Honestly... I'm a little surprised that none of us saw it before now." Rarity muttered loudly enough for all to hear.

Pinkie pie only shrugged again in response, never losing her happy smile.

Shawn was coming to the realization that there was a lot of back-story here he wasn't privy to, and likely wouldn't be with the time constraints they were currently under.

After another brief moment of melodramatic consideration, Pinkie spoke, "Nope. No can do. I'm not allowed back in Cauldron anymore... they labeled me a 'dangerous fire hazard' - whatever that means - and gave my picture to every guard in the city."

Every hoof in the room met a face, except for Celestia's, who smiled appeasingly, "That will not be a problem. Even if that were not the case, we could not run the risk of you being recognized as an Element bearer. You will be under a transformation spell and an assumed identity while you accompany Shawn."

"Oooo! Can I be a bear? Or a manticore? Or even a dragon!" She reared up and roared, "No, wait, I know! I want to be a Fluttershy- I mean- a tree!"

The aforementioned yellow pegasus groaned quietly to herself.

"A transformation that radical could not be maintained for a long period of time without some mental backlash. It is best that you remain a pony." Celestia paused and smiled, "How would you like to have wings for a while?"

"Cool!"

Everything had happened so fast. First, Shawn had been inundated with explanations and history (his least favorite subject after math) from the princesses, then planning and preparation with the ex-ambassador, then all manner of speeches from each mare. The speeches ranged from helpful advice as to what to do in emergencies, to thinly veiled threats as to what would happen if he wasn't careful enough and Pinkie or he got hurt.

It was rather touching, if he ignored the somewhat schizophrenic threats of injury to his person should he further injure himself.

Now, he was sitting in another carriage pulled along the road by two earth pony guards, ostensibly taking him and one other suspect to a guard tower outside the city for detainment until a trial could be arranged. Oh, and that "other suspect" sitting next to him was an excitable, blond-maned, white pegasus mare with a triple-balloon cutie mark that just would _not _shut up.

"... so then the cakes said, 'That's not a bunny, that's a cobra!' and that's when the food-fight started!"

The Cap'n, sitting across from them, emitted a hybrid sound that could only be described as a growl-sigh, "If you're going to chatter endlessly, please do so about things that _won't_ give away your cover, _Surprise_." he put extra emphasis on the mare's assumed name, as she seemed to have trouble remembering to respond to it.

Pinkie Pie quieted down for a few blissful seconds before chirping, "Okie dokie lokie!" and proceeding to talk, at length, about vegetable-themed pastries. The manacles around her hooves rattled with her excited motions.

Aegis had apparently been briefed on the plan and was there to ensure the "escape" went smoothly.

"And you..." The Cap'n turned to face Shawn, who was having trouble covering his ears due to the iron manacles clasped to his own wrists, "Stop pulling so hard on those things or they'll come off before we get to the bridge."

"Sorry, Mr. Cloudcakes," Shawn pouted, "but you only need to put up with this for a few more minutes. I'm gonna be stuck with her for days!"

"Three days, at _most_." Aegis reminded him with yet another annoyed growl, "After that the transformation spell wears off. Be out of Cauldron before then or there's going to be trouble."

The noise of the wheels passing over the road suddenly changed as they transitioned from a hard-packed dirt path to the cobblestone of the target bridge.

"Go time!" Shawn whispered excitedly as he yanked on his manacles... to absolutely no effect, "Uhhh..."

"Huh..." the Cap'n whispered, "The pre-weakened ones must have gotten mixed up. Let me get the keys."

Before the Cap'n could even start to go through his saddle-bag, both sets of manacles came off with dual clacks.

Shawn stared at Pinkie Pie, who only smiled innocently as she stuck a pin back into her unruly mane, only different in color from its usual state.

Captain Aegis Fidelis of the Royal Guard stared in dismay at the easily unlocked manacles for a few moments before speaking, "I'm going to pretend to not be terrified by the implications of what just happened," He then advanced on Shawn.

"Cappy? What are you doing?"

The Cap'n grinned and shoved Shawn against the wall of the wooden carriage, "We gotta make this look authentic, now hit me!"

Shawn held up his bandaged hand and looked helplessly at the looming guard captain, "Sorry, my punching hand's out of commission. If you take a step back, I can try my kicking foot..."

Shrugging, Aegis raised his other hoof in preparation, "That's fine, I can easily give myself a black eye later. Right now, I have a rather unique opportunity to blow some steam, and I intend to enjoy every single, solitary moment of i-" The Cap'n was interrupted by the wet smack of a hoof impacting his jaw, and his eyes crossed before he tumbled out the back of the carriage and unto the road.

Landing from her flawlessly performed, jumping, spinning back kick, Pinkie Pie flashed Shawn a smile, "That silly filly forgot to keep his guard-hoof up."

Shawn stared in dismay at the mare before parroting the Cap'n's earlier sentiment, "I'm going to pretend to not be terrified by the implications of what just happened."

The carriage rattled to a stop as the earth-ponies pulling it noticed their captain lying supine on the middle of the bridge. Already, they were shouting curses and struggling to get free of their harnesses.

"Go time!" Pinkie cried happily as she slipped around behind Shawn and grasped him under his arms, "There's a boat to Cauldron with our name on it down there! Are you ready?"

"Wait, Pinkie... have ever even flown before?"

"Of course not, I'm an earth pony. But, how hard could it be?"

Shawn didn't even try to pretend to not be terrified by the implications of that statement as she flapped once, then twice, then crashed _through the side of the carriage _instead of the open back and off the bridge.

"Oopsie!"

It was a long drop down to the water and the promised escape-boat, but, somehow, Shawn managed to scream non-stop the whole way.


	12. The Pirates of Cauldron

"Your Majeshty, with all due reshpect, I musht protesht thish."

Celestia remained implacable, looking on as both her faithful student and the Captain of the Royal Guard stood before her. The latter's speech was somewhat hindered by a large bag of ice tied to the side of his jaw, which was comically swollen.

"I have to agree with the Captain, Princess. If our goal was to balance Shawn's recklessness, there were probably better ponies for the job." Her protégé's voice sounded strained as she spoke around trembling lips and the occasional escaped giggle. Twilight glanced toward the captain once more, then apparently felt a sudden need to cough into her hoof when he narrowed his eyes at her.

Having much more practice than her student, Celestia was having no problems suppressing her own smile as she tilted her head at the two, "_If _that were our goal, you would be right."

"Wha-... Princess? I don't understand..." Twilight admitted, trading amusement for confusion.

"As much as it pains me to admit it, Shawn's way of doing things has been far more effective than any of our own efforts at acquiring the answers we need, has it not?"

The two young ponies before her - young from her point of view, anyway - bowed their heads, unable to deny the truth but unwilling to admit it out loud. That unwillingness was a failing that was constant in every thinking creature she'd ever come across, and one that even she had fallen prey to, on occasion.

"In that light, attempting to force him to adjust his methods to be more like our own seems... counterproductive, doesn't it?"

"Then why shend anypony with him at all?" The Captain challenged.

Celestia allowed herself a small smile. Contrary to popular belief, Aegis's straightforward manner and willingness to question her decisions were the reason for his long tenure as Captain, not his talents at intimidation.

"Effective as he may be, Shawn remains a stranger in a strange land. And with no magical, artificial, or natural defenses to aid him, he is vulnerable. Pinkie Pie is an Element holder - a particularly slippery and tenacious one, if Luna's reports are to be believed - and already deeply familiar with Cauldron. My hope is that she will keep him safe, while allowing him to work relatively unimpeded."

Captain Aegis raised an eyebrow at his princess, but remained silent and nodded. Twilight, on the other hand, looked even more worried than when she'd first come in, practically demanding to be allowed to join the human's expedition.

Both were kind enough to not mention the fact that Pinkie's first act as Shawn's guardian had been to throw the human off a bridge.

"Our lack of involvement in their escape will need to be credible, however." Celestia continued, "Which means we'll need to dispatch a pursuit. I believe putting a team comprised of the Captain of the Royal Guard, several hoof-picked lieutenants, and some of the Elements of Harmony should placate the diamond dog diplomats calling for a ponyhunt... or, _man_hunt, as it were."

Twilight visibly perked up at this, while Aegis grinned lopsidedly.

"How hard should I be trying to actually catch thoshe two, your Majeshty?"

"Stay as close as you can, but please do refrain from _actually _capturing them until they either find what they're looking for or the three day time limit expires."

At this point, Celestia noted that her student was staying unexpectedly silent through all this, "Is something the matter, Twilight? Please, do not worry too much for their safety. I have ensured that they will have appropriate support if things get too out of hoof."

The lavender mare was startled out of whatever thoughts plagued her, and so allowed herself a moment to regain her composure before speaking.

"Honestly, princess... knowing Pinkie - and Shawn, for that matter - I'm more worried for the citizens of Cauldron."

The sun-goddess paused and mulled that over for a moment, before mentally adding a few zeros to the 'reparations' budget she and her sister had worked out for the investigation. It never hurt to be safe, after all.

o0o

Shawn, once again, found himself pondering the series of life-choices that had led him to this unlikely situation.

Primarily, what unfortunate combination of decisions could possibly end in a six hour boat-ride with a surly seafaring unicorn and a pink, magical pony disguised as a pegasus?

_That's after jumping off a bridge. Can't forget __that. _Not for the first time, Shawn truly regretted his flawless memory.

A large, white frown suddenly took up much of his vision, though Shawn was only disoriented for a moment before seeing it for what it was: an upside-down smile.

Not in the metaphorical sense. Once she'd gotten used to her new wings, Pinkie Pie had taken to flying upside down most of the time. Apparently, it made her feel funny, which, by her logic, meant it actually was funny. And, to be fair, the trick had gotten a chuckle out of him... the first dozen times or so.

"Oh, come on! I said I was sorry! Quit being such a Mopey McGrumpy-Pants." The newly-minted pegasus righted herself and landed on the railing Shawn had been leaning on, then forced him to take a step back via a poke to his nose, "We're embarking on a heroic adventure to save all of Equestria from... something! You can't let a thousand-hoof-drop get you down!"

"First of all, I'll have you know that my pants are perfectly happy and well-adjusted. It was my stomach and, subsequently, my underwear that were grumpy." Shawn leaned back on the wooden, house-like structure that took up much of the space on the deck of the ship, "Also, since when do you use words like 'embark' in a sentence?"

"Since when do _you _use words like 'subsequently'?" she shot back, still grinning.

"Fair point."

"Will ye two _shut yer traps_!" the rough, disgruntled voice came from above, and was accompanied by the appearance of an old, scarred unicorn mare's face over the lip of the roof where the helm was. Her seaweed-green mane dangled over the side in a series of dreadlocks, accenting her salt-stained, deep-blue coat.

"I haven't set any traps yet!" Pinkie shouted indignantly, "I'm waiting 'till we get to Cauldron to start pranking him!"

_Oh... good to know. _Shawn made a mental note to keep an eye out. And perhaps plan a preemptive strike.

Their captain, or "lady-cappy" as he'd taken to calling her, stared at the other mare for a minute before growling and going back to the helm. She'd been adamant about not wanting to know anything about them or their journey.

In fact, her response to the start of Pinkie Pie's enigmatic self-introduction - post dramatic entrance - had been to wince and interrupt.

"No names!" she'd shouted in her strange dialect, "No questions. No back-stories. And, most importantly, _no talkin'_! I don' care why ye had ta fly down here, or why we're leavin' in such a hurry, or why one o' you's a talkin' monkey. I'm only here ta take the two o' ye to Cauldron fer a load o' bits and forget ye ever existed. The less I know, the easier that be."

Relations between lady-cappy and the pair of them had taken a dramatic down-turn when Pinkie Pie's response had been to pause, seemingly give serious thought to what she'd just heard, then chirp, "Well, I'm Pin- Surprise! Nice to meet you, Rough Seas!"

"Whu-...! That's written on me boat 'cause that's _it's _name, not mine! And I said: No names!"

"Well, isn't it silly to name your boat if you don't like names? Oh... and I can't call you 'Captain'. I already know a Captain and that's what I have to call him, so I guess I have to call you Rough Seas since you won't tell me your real name." All of this had been delivered with Pinkie's signature smile.

Shawn was pretty sure that lady-cappy had tried to complain to him about his partner, but he'd been far too busy being violently sick over the edge of the pier to hear any of it. It spoke to her state of mind that she'd been drinking hard cider almost non-stop since then.

"Hellooo! Are you in there?"

A hoof tapping at the top of his head brought Shawn back to the present. Pinkie was flying upside down again, her face on a level with his.

"Yeah, sorry." Shawn brought a fingernail to his mouth and chewed absent-mindedly, "We've got an entire city to search, and three days to do it."

Pinkie tilted her head at him, that infectious smile seemingly a permanent feature, "Not sure where to start?"

Shawn snorted, then grinned, "Trying to figure out what to do for those other two days after we catch The Shadow. Say, you know any seedy bars on the docks where we can grab some lunch?"

After staring at him for a moment, his winged partner burst into laughter, rolling several times in mid-air before landing back on the railing, "Yup-a-roonie! Oooooohhh, this is going to be so much _fun_!" she squealed and turned to face the shore, "Look out Cauldron, 'cause here we come! Land hooooo!"

"Uhhh... P-... Surprise... we're on a river. There's land on both sides. And we still have another three hours to go before we actually get there..."

Shawn's own smile turned wry when Pinkie simply turned and shouted the same thing from the opposite side of the ship, casually dodging a thrown cider bottle on the way.

"Hey!" she shot back over to him in an excited blur, "Wanna play tic-tac-toe with me while we wait?"

"Eh... why not. Nothing like a few pointless draws to get you in the mood for a big victory."

o0o

"How..."

It was an appropriate question. One that Shawn wanted... no... _needed _answered.

"How what?" Pinkie asked from her position facing the wall of the boat's cabin, eyeing her myriad of victories engraved on its wooden surface.

"How did I lose _all 79 games_! At least a few of those should've been draws! This doesn't seem physically possible!"

"That's funny," she giggled, "that's exactly what Twilight said when I played her."

The boat had been chugging along for the past several hours, occasionally drifting closer to one far-away shore or the other of the massive river they now traveled on. Shawn didn't really mind the cider-fueled swerving. The water seemed to be uniformly deep in this portion of the Ley Line and the rest of the boats on it were giving them plenty of space. The Rough Sea's large paddle, powered by her lady-cappy's magic, continued to rotate, driving them closer and closer to the docks of the city straddling the point where the river split in two.

"A'right ye land-lubbing fillies. We're comin' up on the docks." lady-cappy called down from her perch at the helm, tossing yet another empty bottle of cider overboard and stumbling slightly.

Pinkie tilted her head up at the sea-mare, "Aren't you supposed to call out 'land-ho'?"

"Oh!" lady-cappy brought both hooves to her mouth, letting her magic steer them next to the pier as she gasped, "How silly o' me! How could I forget?" lines of rope shot out from the hold, securing the ship as she cleared her throat and took a deep breath.

_Oh, crap..._

"GERROFF ME BOAT!"

Shawn braced himself, as lady-cappy's magically assisted shout lifted them off the deck and tossed them unceremoniously at the pier.

"Wheeeeeeeee!" Pinkie spun past him like a punted football, then somehow stopped her momentum in mid-air long enough to catch him and lower safely him to the wooden planks.

Upon landing, Shawn saw fit to voice his opinion on her course of action as eloquently as possible, "Jesus! You need a hug, lady!" He also saw fit to grab Pinkie's tail before the ex-earth pony took his suggestion literally.

"We should probably go before she sees our games." Shawn whispered to her, then sighed in relief when she nodded and floated along - still upside down - as he made his way toward the docks. It was only a few minutes later that they started hearing the vague echoes of a sea-mare's verbal wrath shouted to the afternoon sky.

"Gee, Shawn, whaddaya wanna do tonight?" Pinkie chirped.

"The same thing we do every night, Pinkie..." Shawn began, "try to-"

"Hey!" she interrupted, "My _name _is Surprise, now. And I don't think you've been around long enough for us to have a 'thing we do every night'!"

"Please don't say it like that. And... no... see, I was going to make a really clever refe-"

"Now's not the time to be making jokes, Shawn! The fate of Equestria hangs in the balance!"

Shawn stared at her.

Pinkie stared back, forelegs crossed and intently serious in her demeanor. Still upside down.

With a sigh, Shawn mumbled, "Just take me to the seediest bar within walking distance. We need to make some smuggling contacts, and if there's one thing Hollywood's taught me is that seedy bars are where the smugglers go to hang out."

"Okie-dokie-lokie! You're the brains of this outfit, boss!" the mare smiled and flew off at a brisk pace, forcing Shawn to jog to keep up.

The docks of Cauldron were massive, its boardwalks following the rivers for quite a ways in every direction. Bridges spanned across the waters every so often, the impressive wooden constructs tall enough to allow even the largest ships full access. In very rare cases, the bridges were constructed of what appeared to be clouds, with booths manned by unicorns standing in front. Creatures of all kinds roamed the streets, from fantastical beings like minotaurs and gryphons, to more mundane denizens like zebras and donkeys. There were even some critters that he didn't have a name for; in particular, some sort of blue baboon-thing with a hand at the end of its tail. What's more, not a one of them batted an eye at Shawn's presence.

Pinkie Pie slowed down, realizing that Shawn couldn't keep up the quick pace for more than a few minutes before having to stop to sit down. Eventually, however, they came to a part of the docks that was much less well-maintained, occupied by a particularly run-down wooden bar. The sign proclaimed it 'Salty's Pub', though the word 'Pub' had been crossed out and 'Arsehole' written over it in red paint.

"Classy..."

"Hasn't changed one bit..." Pinkie sighed wistfully in response to Shawn's muttered comment.

He eyed her, "Do we have to worry about you getting recognized in there?"

"Maybe." she shrugged, "Probably not, though. I always had my pirate outfit on whenever I came in here. And everypony knew me as a pink earth pony, not a white pegasus."

"Well... just to be safe, try to stay away from talking about parties. Is there anything else we can claim to be smuggling?"

After a moment's thought, Pinkie raised a hoof in excitement, "Ooooo, the Griffins have a permanent ban on alcohol in their country! We could smuggle that!"

_Man,_ Shawn thought, _the more I hear about the other countries, the more glad I am I ended up in ponyland-... wait..._

"_Pretend _to smuggle, Pi- Surprise."

"Right." she chirped in reply, "That's what I meant."

Wings aflutter, Pinkie floated through the swinging double-doors of the entrance, giving Shawn no choice but to follow.

The place was dark, with the few windows there were covered in too many layers of dust and grime to let in any actual sunlight. Shawn paused, giving his eyes a moment to adjust, then looked around. He'd seen plenty of Old West flicks, enough to know to expect the classic response of every head in the bar turning to gaze at the strange newcomer in silence.

Of course, reality was, once again, intent on disappointing him. Every creature in the bar, and they were as varied and numerous here as they had been out in the streets (if a bit more ragged), had its mind on its own business. Whether that business was quiet discussion, a game of dice, or a drink depended on the individual. A few spared a glance his way, but that's all it ever was... a glance. At least the place had chairs aplenty, mostly used by the bi-pedal customers.

With a shrug, Shawn paced along the creaky wooden floors, dodging the occasional pony or griffin in a waitress's outfit. Pinkie had made her way over to the bar, and waited for him on one of the stools-...

"Surprise," Shawn narrowed his eyes at Pinkie, "I thought you said you'd never heard of chairs before. Or stools."

She smiled up at him from her seat, "I never said _that_, silly. I just asked you what they were. Besides, I like my name for them better."

"But... you _already knew _what they were..."

"So? That doesn't mean I can't ask." The mare tilted her head innocently at him.

It hadn't precisely been a lie, Shawn had to admit. And, considering the nature of the double-life she'd been leading for a while, she'd probably gotten really good at "not-lying" in order to both keep the secret and preserve her conscience.

"Well... at least that explains how you came up with that stool so fast." Shawn grumbled, then shook his head, "Okay then. Who do we talk to first?"

"Hmmm..." she hummed, "Well, the bartender was always really well-connected, but-"

"Awesome. Just let me do all the talking."

"But-"

"Nope," Shawn preempted her, "You look different, but your voice is still the same. I don't want to take the chance that he'll recognize you. Just point the way and, whatever you do, don't say anything."

Hesitating, she shrugged then made a zipping gesture over her mouth and pointed with a hoof...

_Whoa._

... directly at the largest minotaur he'd seen yet. If he'd thought Blind Rage was big, this hulking monstrosity standing behind the bar looked fearsome enough to be that hulking monstrosity's mean, older brother. This particular mintaur was a soft brown, with a slimmer face accented by a crooked nose pierced by a surprisingly dainty gold ring. A brilliantly pink apron covering his torso completed the visual dichotomy.

Shawn might have been tempted to laugh, but he was well aware that no amount of healing magic could reconstitute him from a thin layer of paste on a dirty bar floor.

Gathering his courage, Shawn paced over and confidently sat in front of where the monster stood, waiting for the beast to acknowledge him with a raised eyebrow before speaking in his best western outlaw impression.

"Hey there, big guy. I'll take a glass o' yer hardest whiskey."

The minotaur's second eyebrow joined its twin, but eventually he crouched and rooted around for a moment before standing and slamming a bottle of murky, amber fluid on the countertop with a snort.

"Thank ya kindly, sir." Out of the corner of his eye, Shawn could see Pinkie trying to wave at him, but he ignored her for the time being. First impressions were extremely important in these kinds of exchanges, so he couldn't afford any distractions.

Making sure to keep eye contact with the bartender the whole time he did it, Shawn unstoppered the bottle and took a nice, big mouthful... some of which slowly dribbled out of the corner of his mouth as the rest of the bitter hell-fire made its slow, painful way down his throat. Heroically, he managed to keep from choking, though his face had turned a very distinct shade of red.

Shawn cleared his throat, twice for good measure, and continued in a raspy wheeze, "Goes down smooth. Ah heard ya were the one t'come to for... _information _on getting certain goods to certain places, without no one knowin' 'bout it... uhhh..."

The minotaur only snorted again at Shawn's subtle prompt for a name, so he decided to take a more obvious tact.

"Right. Name's Shawn Spencer," he stuck out his bandaged hand, then hurriedly switched to his uninjured one, "Professional outlaw and smuggler, but don't tell no one that." Shawn then pointed over to Pinkie, who smiled and hid her hooves behind her back, "That there is my business pardner, Jenkins "Surprise" Periwinkle. Ponies call'er Surprise for short, but, personally, I like callin'er Jenkins. Rolls right off the tongue... Jenkins. Now, where I come from, when someone innerduces theirselves, it's common courtesy ta reciprocate."

After staring at his hand for a minute, the minotaur sighed loudly and finally spoke in a gruff, but surprisingly high pitched tone, "It's Soft Speech. _Miss _Soft Speech. You gonna finish your drink or are you gonna keep blatherin' like an idiot and make Soft Speech hurt you?"

It's a curious feeling, that sudden rush as every ounce of blood drains from one's face. It often leaves one lightheaded, breathless, and at a loss for words. In the worst case scenarios, a person could experience tunnel-vision or even pass out from this natural phenomenon. Fortunately for Shawn, he was only experiencing the first three symptoms as he slowly turned around on his stool, bottle of booze in hand. Absent-mindedly, he took another sip, which nearly resulted in him suffering the latter two.

Pinkie shook her head at him and very clearly mouthed, '_Smoooooooth._'

"Jenkins," he choked out, subconsciously dropping the accent "Why don't you take it from here?"

"Okie-dokie-lokie!" she chirped and took his spot, leaning forward to whisper conspiratorially with Miss Speech.

Sighing, Shawn claimed a seat at a nearby table and tried to figure out at which point during this adventure his luck had turned so sour. He consoled himself with the respectful looks some of the nearby patrons gave him after noticing his choice of beverage, then realized that he was now stuck drinking it.

Eventually, Pinkie trotted over happily, Soft Speech in tow, and sat next to him. The female minotaur pulled out a chair across from the two of them and also made herself comfortable. There was a brief, yet horrendously awkward moment of silence as she considered him.

"You're lucky your business partner's not an idiot." Soft Speech stated plainly, though she sounded more bemused than angry, "Look, Soft Speech is usually pretty in touch with all this stuff, but the last few months..." She paused to consider something before starting again, "A while back, some jackass going around insisting everyone call'im 'The Shadow' showed up. Soft Speech didn't think anything of it, at first. Monsters and critters with delusions of power show up from every corner of the world and they always turn out to be more bark than bite. Sometimes, literally."

Soft Speech smiled at her own joke, then motioned at Shawn's bottle. He handed it over, glad to be rid of the foul stuff.

"This one, though..." she continued as she took a long draft of hell-fire, "This one actually pulled it off. Somehow, he got every smuggling ring under his claw... or hoof... or whatever he's got. And the rest of us who didn't want to play nice either got cut out or got disappeared."

"Any idea on how to get a hold of one of his smugglers?" Shawn asked.

The minotaur stared at him again before shaking her head, "You got more balls than brains, little lamb." She looked him up and down for a moment, smiling, "Well, at least you can hold your liquor... and you're kinda cute. Only reasons Soft Speech didn't crush your skull like an overripe tomato."

Suppressing violent shudders, Shawn motioned for the bottle and choked down another mouthful of the stuff, then spoke, "Thanks... I think. Look, we came a long way with a lot of good product. The Shadow's gotta be able to spare a ship or two for a big enough cut of the profits. How would I go about getting in touch with him?"

She tapped her fingers on the edge of the table, rattling loose screws against old wood, "Normally, Soft Speech wouldn't even bother with the likes of you. But Surprise reminds Soft Speech of a dear friend she used to have in the good 'ol days of _civilized _skulduggery. So, tell you what..." a massive hand pointed discreet-... ish-ly at a gaggle of rowdy griffins in some sort of military uniform, "You're a fast talker. Get'em outta here without busting up the place and Soft Speech will point you in the right direction."

Shawn eyed her suspiciously, "Can't you kick'em out yourself? The biggest one's a third your size!" he whispered.

"Soft Speech said _without _busting up the place. They're too drunk to know to back down, and there're too many to handle without breakin' a lot of stuff. Soft Speech is in debt as it is."

Sighing, Shawn nodded, "Fine. But once they're gone, you tell us _everything _you know, deal?"

"Deal." she nodded, then smiled again, "Come talk to Soft Speech again when you're done, little lamb."

_I'm not sure I'm comfortable with her tone when she calls me that. _He allowed himself the leisure of a small shudder, vowing to find the nearest shower to cry in the moment the opportunity presented itself.

Miss Speech stood - Shawn could've sworn he heard the chair sigh in relief - and ambled back over to her bar.

"So..." he looked over at Pinkie, "Any bright ideas?"

"We could sing them a song."

Shawn buried his face in his hands, "Any bright ideas that _don't _involve getting clawed to death?"

"Awwww... but I like singing. Oh! And I _still _have to sing a random song out of nowhere from when we first met!"

"... I'm sorry, what?"

She waved a hoof at a darkened corner of the bar, which was occupied by a diamond dog sitting listlessly in front of a crumpling piano. She tossed him a gold bit and the ragged dog snapped out of his drunken apathy just long enough to catch it and start up a snappy tune, which Shawn recognized as strangely similar to The Major-General's Song, if somewhat slower.

Before Shawn could fully process what was happening, Pinkie alternately bounced and floated over to the target group of griffins and began... singing...

_"I~ am the very model of a mare who loves to sing and dance,  
My every step a prance, if you will all just give me any chance,  
Now take your claws and clap along and let the rhythmic beat enhance,  
Every single surprise in your life that you have looked askance;"_

The griffins stood, gaping soundlessly at the peppy pegasus suddenly spinning over their table.

_"Get off your butts and make some noise and break out of your little trance,  
'Cause even I can tell that you all want to from just one short glance,  
Let all your troubles fade away and simply smile along with me,  
Y'know a smile is something anypony's always glad to see~!"_

Reaching down, she bodily grabbed a magnificently mustachioed griffin, who barely put up any resistance when she started twirling with him as she sang. Amazingly enough, his friends only chortled at his predicament. Some of them even started to tap their claws to the beat.

_"It's much more fun to play when you've got someone who can share with you,  
Every moment, second, minute of a catchy song, it's true!  
In short, with every step I take, if you will all give me a chance,  
I'll show you how much fun it is to laugh, and play, and sing, and da~nce!"_

Recognizing that it was far too late to do anything but roll with it, Shawn started clapping along, clearing tables and chairs out of the way as more and more of the griffins stood up to get their turn at a dance with the crazy mare. Some of the other patrons left, annoyed by all the noise, but even more bobbed their heads or wore quiet smiles as they sipped at their drinks.

_"I know that each of you would rather spend this lovely, sunny day,  
Outside a musty bar where every snack just tastes like year-old hay,  
So, come on up to get your twirl with me then take your place in line,  
We'll conga 'till we fall exhausted to the grassy ground, supine!"_

Each griffin stepped up to dance with the mare as the music continued to play, some stumbling more than others.

_"Sometimes you have take a real deep breath and simply take the leap,  
And go with what feels right instead of living in a waking sleep.  
So, once again, line-up and move your claws, and beaks, and hips along.  
And join me in this awesome, random, catchy out-of-nowhere song!"_

Giggling like mad, Pinkie lined up each of her dance partners as she finished with them, flying excited circles above the completed line of waltzing griffins.

_"Then all you griffins can go home and proudly tell your every friend,  
That to the very heights of silly happiness you did ascend,  
In short, with every step I take, if you will all give me a chance,  
I'll show you how much fun it is to laugh, and play, and sing, a~nd da~nce!"_

Another tossed bit, and the music shifted to a catchy conga, which the military griffins happily swayed and stepped to as they made their drunken way out of the bar and down the street.

Pinkie Pie floated, upside down once again, over to Shawn and happily waved her new feathered friends off.

Shawn stared after them, still unsure of what to think of the whole thing. Eventually, however, he did come to a definitive conclusion as the piano quieted and the clientele returned to their previous dreariness.

"Surprise..."

"Yeah, Shawn?" she smiled, still waving at the empty door.

"I wanna be just like you when I grow up."

The orientationally challenged pegasus turned and looked him up and down, "Well... you're a little old, but I guess it's never too late to start training somepony on the principles of partying."

Grinning ear to ear, Shawn was about to reply when a massive, brown-furred hand came down heavily on his shoulder.

"It's been a long time since Soft Speech has seen something like that," the minotaur had ambled over from her place behind the bar, wearing her own wide smile, "It's good to have it back. The city needs it." She gave Pinkie a knowing wink, then pulled Shawn around toward an inconspicuous, old door at the back of the bar, "Come with Soft Speech. There are too many eyes and ears here for secrets."

Pinkie followed along, attempting to lecture him on what she insisted on calling the "Science of Smile-Sharing".

"We're talking about normal secrets, right?" Shawn questioned as he was dragged off, "Not... you know... 'really wish I'd brought a whistle', 'Lifetime network special documentary' secrets... right?"

The door creaked ominously as it shut itself behind the trio.

o0o

"Oh, man." Shawn moaned, "Oh god! This is _incredible_!"

Various slurping noises ensued, as Shawn continued making a mess out of the little back-room in the throes of pleasure.

"I-I've..." He paused his efforts to wipe a little tear from his eye, "I've missed this... so much..."

"It's really that good? Soft Speech hasn't done this for anyone yet..."

"No, no... this is _amazing_! I... I think I love you..."

"Ick!" Pinkie exclaimed from her spot in the corner, "How can you stand that! And why am I watching!"

Shawn put down the deliciously pan-seared Tilapia fillet, wiping grease off his chin with the corner of the table-cloth.

"Look, I know you guys are all vegetarian, and I respect that... I do... but this ain't Ponyville and I ain't no stinkin' pony!" he exclaimed, then returned to savaging his fish dinner.

Pinkie sighed from her corner and poked half-heartedly at her own salad, "What I wouldn't give for a triple-chocolate cupcake right now."

"Sorry." Soft Speech replied from her own seat on the floor, the room too small to accommodate a chair sturdy enough to support her, "Flour's expensive this far from the Equestrian farmlands." She supported her head on her hands, elbows on fur-covered knees, as she watched Shawn devour his food, "You _really _like it?"

This time not bothering to try to vocalize past the last mouthful of fish, Shawn simply nodded vigorously. With a hearty burp and a happy sigh, he leaned back, careful not to tip over the small stool he sat on, "That was _magnificent_. What're you doing stuck serving drinks out of a shitty bar? You should have your own restaurant."

The massive minotaur shrugged, reaching up to scratch the back of her neck with an uncharacteristically demure smile, "It's been Soft Speech's dream to open a fine-dining restaurant on the northern boardwalk," she paused at Shawn's questioning glance and clarified, "It's where all the best eateries in the city are. The north shore on the Griffonian Empire's side of the rivers is where the wealthy build their mansions. The western Equestrian shore is where most of the businesses are. And the eastern UTL's side... this side... is basically storage and slums. It's-"

"Let me guess, it's also where most of the smuggling rings hang out." Shawn interrupted.

Soft Speech nodded, pulling an old, stained map from one of the many shelves that decorated the walls, "The city guard stay mostly off this side and no one really patrols the rivers themselves, so getting stuff from shore to shore is pretty easy. From there, it's just a matter of paying off some guards to look the other way while you sneak out of the city on whatever shore you want." Taking a quill, she dipped it in a vial of ink and drew several circles on the eastern shore, "This is where most of the well-known exporters had... erm... 'offices' back in the day. Lot of 'em aren't really around no more, though. Your best bet," she pointed at a pier somewhat north of their location, back the way they came, "is probably a certain unicorn mare. Exporters still go to her whenever the job's too hard or too secret for anyone else. Now, nobody actually knows her name,"

_Oh, no..._

"but her ship's easy to spot. It's called the 'Rough Seas'."

"Of course it is..." he mumbled.

o0o

After Shawn and Pinkie paid for their food and said their goodbyes to their new friend, - and Shawn got a hug that lasted an uncomfortably long time - they made their way back up the boardwalk. Together, they tried to plan on how to win over the ornery sea-mare they'd so irritated before.

"We probably could've left on better terms with lady-cappy." Shawn mused aloud as they walked.

"Yeah..." Pinkie agreed, orbiting around him in mid-air with a hoof to her chin, "Hey! We could sing her a song!"

Though he didn't dismiss the possibility off-hand this time, Shawn wasn't exactly confident the tactic would work on someone that pragmatic. At least she probably wouldn't be sober.

"We could offer her lots of money." he suggested, "She seemed pretty motivated to put up with us when there was a big payout at the end of the trip. I'm sure a certain royal pony wouldn't mind shelling out a few more bits for the cause."

"Or we could save her from having her boat robbed by a corrupt city official backed up by a bunch of bribed guards." Pinkie chirped.

"Yeah," he sighed and stared up at the sky, thinking, "but what are the chances of that happening right when we need it."

"Pretty good, I guess." Pinkie took Shawn's head between her front hooves and directed his sight at a peculiar scene.

A rather prim-looking unicorn stallion in the top half of a snappy business suit stood across from the defiant sea-mare, who was preventing his entry into her ship. Four diamond dogs in armor and holding spears stood behind him, puffed up and looking as menacing as seven-foot-tall, musclebound gorilla-dogs with weapons could. That is to say, _very_.

"Huh... that's convenient."

"Plot devices," Pinkie shrugged, "What're you gonna do?" With a flap of her wings and a deep breath, Pinkie started forward, the onset of the first tunes already leaving her mouth.

Shawn was ready this time, though, and was quick to yank her back by her tail, "Not gonna work this time."

"But," he continued as she pouted at him, "I know what probably will."

With that, he marched forward, Pinkie bobbing along behind him to a music only she could hear. Shawn had let her handle the unreasonable drunks, but greedy, self-important authority-figures were his forte, and he knew just how to handle a belligerent bureaucrat.

"Gentlefellows!" he called as he got close, startling the rearmost diamond dogs as he waltzed past them to their angry unicorn leader, "What seems to be the problem here?"

Said unicorn yelped and turned, indignant at the unwarranted interruption of his business. For her part, the sea-mare narrowed her eyes at Shawn in recognition, but wisely chose to remain quiet.

"What! Who the hay are you supposed to be?" the stallion sputtered.

"I'm gonna tell you who I am," Shawn started, confidently stepping close to the smartly-dressed pony, "but I don't want you to freak out, because it's so cool."

"Uhhh-..."

"My name is Shawn Spencer. And I, my good sir, am a professional psychic."


	13. Griffon the Missin'

"My name is Shawn Spencer. And I, my good sir, am a professional psychic."

The stallion gaped at him, confusion plain on his face. Actually, simply calling it confusion would be a disservice to the war of epic proportions playing out on the bureaucrat's features. Curiosity was pushing through the lines of annoyance, confusion looking to flank consternation, and indecision fighting a pitched battle against resignation.

The guard dogs looked on, hesitating to act in the face of their employer's uncertainty.

Shawn smiled, holding up one quick finger to Pinkie's snout before she could contradict a statement she knew to be utterly ridiculous. Thankfully, miraculously, she held her silence.

"And this fine filly over here is my assistant and spiritual gatekeeper, Pinkalicious Dana Weaver. If that's too long for you, she also answers to Zuul," he leaned forward and whispered ominously, "but I wouldn't say that name too often. Who knows what you might summon..."

In an instant, curiosity, confusion, and resignation defeated their respective foes, that last touch of mystery turning the battle in their favor.

"Look, I'm a little busy here... what do you want?" the stallion asked, scratching uncomfortably at a short patch of black mane near the nape of his neck.

"What do I _want_, he asks!" Shawn turned to face Pinkie and laughed uproariously, prompting her to giggle along. Suddenly, he turned, once again remorselessly invading the unicorn's personal space, "It's not about what _I_ want. It's about what you _need_."

"What? What does that even-"

"As an individual uniquely connected to the spiritual world, I am very receptive to the psychic waves that radiate from those in _need_... whether they know it or not." Shawn continued, heedless, "In other words, I have _mucho mojo_, and it has brought me here, at this time, to this place... to _you_." he emphasized the last word with a soft poke to the stallion's chest.

The pony grimaced, using the clipboard held in his front-right hoof to wipe imaginary dust from his tailored suit, and incidentally exposing its face to Shawn in the process.

"That's real nice and all... Shawn..." he spat out the name, like one might spit out an unexpectedly rotten cherry, "but I don't buy into all that tribal mumbo-jumbo. And if you're looking to ply your zebra-shit trade around here, you'll have to take it up with the performer's guild on the west shore. Now, if you'll _excuse me_."

Shawn grinned, holding up his hands and taking a step back as the stallion turned to face the nameless sea-mare, "Well... the fates can't say I didn't try. It was nice finally meeting you in person, Scroll. And, may I say, that new haircut - or is it manecut? - looks downright fabulous on you... it's a shame you won't get to enjoy it for all that long..."

Scroll froze, his coat turning a distinctly lighter shade of blue.

Inwardly, Shawn high-fived himself as he put an arm around the floating Pinkie (who was thankfully right-side up at the time) and started his dramatically slow walk away from the shocked unicorn.

_Aaaand three, two, one..._

"Wait!"

Shawn turned on a dime, forcing a wide-eyed Scroll to screech to a halt in front of him.

"I _know _we've never met before... how did you know my name? Or about my manecut! And what did you mean by that last bit!"

"Well, I am the type of guy who can appreciate a good do." Shawn ran a hand through his own luxurious locks, only slightly worse for wear from the lack of styling gel and rampant humidity, "And, I already told you how I know..."

_Because your name was written at the top of that ship-manifest report you're carrying. _Shawn didn't voice the thought, though the matching cutie-mark on the unicorn's rump had certainly confirmed it.

"No, no, no! The bit after that! What..." Scroll lowered his voice, glancing about conspiratorially, "what do you mean I 'won't get to enjoy it'?"

Shawn shrugged, "The visions weren't fully clear on that point. You have to understand... not even I can always interpret the full meaning behind the spirits when they urge me prevent a horrible fate. But, I can tell you this: you should probably avoid your boss for a while, at least until things cool down a bit."

"My... boss?" Scroll looked confused.

"No, not that boss." Shawn prompted and, after a moment, the pony paled even more, "_That _boss." he finished with a knowing smile.

Sweat began to pour from the unicorn's brow, "What... what'll happen if I don't?"

Looking the unicorn over, Shawn rubbed his temples and hummed, temporizing before inspiration struck him, "Remember what happened to the last guy that tried to sell him out?"

Now hyperventilating, Scroll glanced back at the deep waters of the river and shuddered, "B-but... but I-I didn't... I swear.."

Once again, Shawn leaned forward to whisper into the pony's ear, "Isn't that _exactly _what the last guy said?"

Scroll's eyes dilated as he started shaking, somehow remaining on his hooves, "W-What... what d-do I..."

"Run away, Scroll..." Shawn said in a low, dangerous pitch, "_Run_. Run away and _never _return."

With a barely suppressed squeal, Scroll tossed aside his clipboard and dashed off, shocking the diamond dog guards confused muttering.

At least, until Shawn casually mused aloud to them, "He _did _remember to pay you guys for your services... right?"

In unison, the guards glanced at each other before growling and sprinting off after the terrified extortionist, ensuring that Scroll wouldn't stop to try to verify any of Shawn's claims.

Shawn watched them all run off, smiling and humming a little tune to himself.

"Wow." Pinkie chipped in from over his shoulder, "That was _really _mean."

Once again, Shawn shrugged, "Sometimes, Surprise, you have to be mean to get something done in a hurry. Or because it's funny. This time, it just happened to be both."

A hard object collided with his back, nearly sending Shawn tumbling. He turned, wincing, to find lady-cappy, her hoof up and grinning wildly. Apparently, getting clapped on the back by a pony was somewhat like getting hit with a thrown brick.

"That was amazin'! I didn'a realize you be an actual trained shaman! I 'eard the zebras _never _trained outsiders... which tribe did ye live with?"

"Ow..." Shawn muttered under his breath, "I... uhh... the... Rafiki tribe."

Lady-cappy tilted her head, eyebrows scrunching, "Huh... they an inland tribe?"

"Yup... they're very underground, so you wouldn't have heard of 'em."

Shaking her head, the sea-mare continued, "Well, wherever they be, they got ye trained good." she paused and chuckled nervously, rubbing at the back of her neck, "Listen... thanks for that. An'... sorry 'bout the way I kicked ye off me boat earlier."

"Happens to me a lot, actually. I guess some people are just immune to my rogueish charm." Shawn stretched, trying work out the kink that lady-cappy's exuberance had put in his back.

The sea-mare stared at him with eyebrows raised for a solid five seconds, before shaking her head, "Right... well, if ye 'adn't come back an' done what ye did, I'd probably be short most o' my cargo an' all o' my bits. An' I'm not the type o' mare to be in somepony's debt. So, what can I do to repay ye?"

"Oh, no, really! Don't worry about it!" Pinkie smiled happily, "It's what friends do for each oth- mmph hmmh mhmm?"

Shawn had quickly reached over and clamped a hand around Pinkie's muzzle, muffling the rest of her statement.

"Actually," he smiled, "There _is _one thing you could help us out with."

o0o

"The Shadow! Are ye nuts!"

Shawn and Pinkie looked at each other, then back at her, and shrugged.

"Right... stupid question." lady-cappy sighed and brought a hoof to her forehead.

The three of them sat in her cabin, a small room with a simple cot in one corner and a table in the middle. Both were bolted to the floor.

"Look," she started again, "I do owe ye for what ye did... but I been keepin' outta that crazy monster's business for a _reason_."

"I don't suppose it's because you disagree on whether cheese makes a better topping than chocolate? It's cheese, by the way." Shawn deadpanned.

His little addendum caused Pinkie to narrow her eyes at him. She'd been holding back an awful lot since he'd restarted his psychic act, and he got the distinct impression he was going to hear all of it sooner rather than later.

Lady-cappy chuckled and shook her head, "Nah, boy-o. That thing's not natural... it's got a lotta power, lotta influence, an' a lotta disappeared critters under its name. The exporters I work for all work for it - 'an it makes business hard, there's no 'elpin' that - but, I ain't never 'ad to deal with it directly, an' I never will if I can 'elp it. I don' work with killers."

Shawn pondered the sea-mare's words for a minute. Her unwillingness to help was a pretty huge setback for him. After all, she was his only real lead at the moment.

"Wait... I don't get it. Why go to all the trouble of avoiding The Shadow if you're just going to work for the peop- creatures who work for it, anyway? It's obviously not an ethical issue."

"Well, I-"

"And it's not like you can't find other work, or leave the city. I mean... yeah, having worked for it means its goons would chase you if you ran, but you're a tough mare. There's no way you're scared of a few..."

The smuggler's eyes were glued to the floorboards, while an errant, blue hoof rubbed at her shoulder. She was frowning, but not in anger.

"You're scared of The Shadow, aren't you?"

"O' course I be scared o' The Shadow!" she growled and stiffened, "No pony in their righ' minds wouldn'a be!" Her eyes glared into his, daring him to say something.

Recognizing this as the moment he'd been waiting for, Shawn made a snap decision, "What if I told you I lied?"

"Whu-...?"

Shawn pressed forward over the table, "What if I told you we're not looking to work for The Shadow. That we're actually already working for someone who doesn't like The Shadow very much?"

Lady-cappy furrowed her eyebrows, "Who?"

"Someone with enough influence, power, and money to hire Equestria's only interdimensional psychic to find The Shadow and figure out its weaknesses," Shawn grinned, never breaking eye contact, "Someone who doesn't like murderous magical monsters muscling in on their turf."

The mare's eyes remained fixated on his as Shawn continued.

"Let me ask you something. Don't you wish things could go back to the way they were? Before the takeover?"

The nod came slowly, but it came nonetheless.

"We," Shawn pointed at himself and the scowling Pinkie Pie, "are here to make that happen. And, I assure you, when I say something's going to happen, it happens."

The mare leaned back with a sigh, "That's all well an' good, Shawn. But, I still can'na help you get in touch with'it. Even if I knew where to find it... I don' need that kinda exposure. 'Specially if whatever yer plannin' don' work."

Once again, Shawn paused to think, grasping at anything that might take them another step forward.

"Okay. All the exporters work for The Shadow, right? What if you just hook us up up with one of them? Preferably the aging patriarch of a powerful crime dynasty on the day of his daughter's wedding."

There was an brief moment of awkward silence as lady-cappy tried to process his words, "So... you wanna meet with one o' the big exporters, then?"

"The most powerful one you've worked for. Better chance he'll be reporting directly to The Shadow. And, as a bonus, using him as a proxy keeps you out of the limelight."

"An'..." lady-cappy leaned forward, bringing her face to within inches of his, "yer _sure _you an' yer friend can get rid o' that bottom-feedin' monstrosity?"

Shawn's grin widened as he stuck out his hand, "You do your part, and the spirits guarantee it, cappy."

"It's Wavedancer," she returned his grin and slapped her hoof into his hand, "An' mate, ye got yerself a deal."

The hoof-handshake only lasted for a second before Wavedancer took her appendage back, "I think I know who ye need to be talkin' to, but 'e's on the Western shore. I'll go get the lines undone, an' we'll work out yer plan on the way." She stepped past him and Pinkie on her way out the door, but paused before she left the cabin, "Oh, and Shawnee... it be a real honor workin' wit'a Zebra-trained Shaman. If it 'tweren't for that, I'd'ave little hope of you bein' able to get this done."

Shawn shot her a wink and a wave as she stepped out, then turned to find a still scowling Pinkie looking right at him, hooves crossed and eerily silent.

"Uhhh..."

"You've been doing a _lot _of lying, mister. Even to ponies that we made friends with." She floated into the air, advancing until her nose was touching Shawn's and his back was against the wall, "Don't you know that breaking a friend's trust is the fastest way to lose them forever?"

"Well, I-"

"_Fooooreeeeeveeeeeeeeeeer..._"

Blinking, Shawn paused and waited for her to finish hissing the word out before continuing, "Pinkie, I don't like it either."

Though it seemed impossible, she further narrowed her eyes at him

"Okay... maybe I like it a little bit... force of habit, what can I say? But you heard what Wavedancer said. If she didn't think I had special powers, she'd be too scared to get involved. And then where would that leave us?"

Pinkie sighed and backed up a bit, eyes softening, "I know... I just don't _like_ any of this. Twilight's always been the pony with a plan, but now _I'm_ supposed to be the one keeping _you_ out of trouble! I can barely keep _myself _out of trouble, half the time!"

"Pinkie P-"

"And the worst part is that you keep going off and doing things without telling anypony! What if something happens? What if you get hurt, or worse! Princess Celestia _personally_ asked me to keep you safe! You're my responsibility, but you're a bigger hoof-full than the Cakes' kids! And _cheese is __**not **__a better topping than chocolate_! In this or any other dimension!"

By the end of her incensed speech, Pinkie had once again shoved Shawn back into the wall by his nose, her own nostrils spewing steam as she huffed.

"Wow." Shawn muttered as his own cornered reflection stared back at him from the mare's huge, blue eyes, "Okay... is there anything I can say to make you feel better? And, possibly, get back my personal space?"

Pinkie brought a hoof to her chin and hummed, but did not retreat. After a moment's thought, she suddenly shoved the hoof onto his chest, "Pinkie promise!"

"Uhhh... what-...?"

"Repeat after me: I, Shawn Spencer, Pinkie Promise to not do anything stupidly dangerous or leave me - Pinkie Pie - behind for any reason! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!"

With a flourish, Pinkie backed up and made a crossing motion over her chest, followed by touching a hoof to her eyelid.

Shawn hesitated, but said the words and followed suit, opting to cover his eye with the palm of his hand instead of actually poking himself. The angry mare watched him carefully the whole way through.

"There. Happy?"

Pinkie stared at him a bit longer, before switching back to her usual, bubbly demeanor, "Yup-a-roonie!"

It was startling, how quick she was to take his word at face value, especially after one of her complaints had been about all the lies he kept falling back on. It made him wonder if there was something special he didn't know about the wording of the promise. He was going to ask her about it, but was interrupted when the boat lurched around them, signaling that it was time to go hash out a rough plan with Wavedancer.

Shawn shrugged and followed Pinkie out of the cabin, making sure to uncross the fingers on his left hand before taking them out of his pocket. He didn't _want_to have to break his promise... but one never knew, after all.

o0o

Wind played trough Twilight's mane, whipping it back as she took in every detail of the sights ahead. She had to admit, Cauldron did not look nearly so bad as reports made it out to be from this vantage point.

"Somethin' on your mind, suga'cube?"

She turned to face Applejack, levering herself up and taking her hooves off the railing on the bow of the ship, "Just admiring the view." she replied with a stiff smile.

Applejack smiled back, though it was decidedly more wry than her own. The farm-pony had always been able to tell when others were lying... or, in this case, telling a partial truth.

"Okay, okay. I'm worried about them. I can't help it..." Twilight admitted.

"You always were the worryin' sort," Applejack grinned and stepped up next to her, looking out over the calm river waters and towards the low sky-line that represented their mutual destination, "Ah gotta admit, though, this time ya got good reason t'be."

A giggle escaped past the unicorn's lips, "The way you talk makes me think you don't trust them."

"Oh, Ah trust Pinkie," AJ replied with a frown, "It's Shawn Ah'm worried about..."

Twilight raised an eyebrow, prompting her friend to continue.

Applejack sighed, "Maybe that's the wrong way o' puttin' it. Ah know Shawn's doin' his best to help us when he could jus' sit back and wait for the princesses to find a way to get'im home. And I know he's been gettin' the job done. I guess the way he goes about it just... sticks in my craw, is all."

"You _are _the element of Honesty," Twilight mused, "and Shawn hasn't exactly been doing things... well... honestly."

Applejack shook her head, "It's not even that. Ah ain't ignorant, sometimes lies really _can _help under the right circumstances. Heck, even good friends lie t'each other time an' again."

"Then...?"

"It's..." The orange mare paused, seemingly gathering her thoughts, "It's the way he's always takin' all these risks. He don't think ahead at _all_. Like he don't care none what happens so long as the job gets done. Or as if he's got somethin' he's tryin' t'prove, if ya get my meanin'. An' I'm scared that he'll end up hurtin' himself... or somepony else... tryin' to do it."

Twilight paused, pondering Applejack's words. In a way, it made sense. But, against all reason and logic, she'd grown to trust the strange alien. As much or more so than Rainbow Dash, who'd claimed that he'd tried to get her to leave him behind to warn everypony else about the explosion at the embassy. The pegasus had immediately taken to Shawn after that blatant display of courage and loyalty, and would brook no negative talk of the human from anypony.

"Listen, AJ, I think tha-"

"Miss Sparkle. Miss Applejack." an armored, charcoal unicorn cleared his throat from behind them, shoving whatever Twilight was going to say out of her mind, "We're on final approach to the city. Please get ready to disembark and meet with general Rex for debriefing."

"Thanks... uhhh..."

"Private Bolster, m'am."

"Right. Thanks, Bolster." Twilight sighed. It wasn't like she had a problem remembering names, but those enchantments on their armor literally made them all look the same.

The unicorn guard nodded somberly and cantered off, probably to report to captain Aegis. The captain had taken a very active role in their little expedition, personally chartering the ship that would take them all to the "Free City". He'd even sent a personal message to the captain of Cauldron's guard, one general Rex, by dragonfire. Apparently, he knew the old dog from way back in his days as a student at the Oxenford Guard Academy.

"Come on, Twi," Applejack smiled at her as she walked after the guard, "We don't wanna be late for fer our meetin'."

They pulled up to the docks of what Twilight had been told was the North shore. Ropes, glowing in several colors from the various sailors of the crew, writhed out from portholes set in the side of the ship and secured it to the pier. At the same time, a wide plank slid out and touched down at the feet of a group of diamond dogs in resplendent plate armor.

The guards stood in two parallel lines, forming a corridor of steel leading up to a large, very rotund dog covered in enough gold jewelry to give ambassador Bones a run for his bits.

Twilight stood next to Aegis, with Dash, Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy forming groups of two behind her and the captain. Behind them was the rest of the complement from Canterlot, with lieutenant Gladius in the lead. She couldn't help but admire the captain and his guards' implacability as they made their way past the double-row of armed diamond dogs.

For her part, Twilight couldn't help but glance up at the visored visages of the Cauldron guard. It was during one of these glances that she noticed a flight of similarly armored griffons patrolling the skies.

"They really pulled out all the stops, didn't they?" she muttered.

"You and your friends just stay quiet and let me handle this." the captain replied under his breath, startling her into silence.

She hadn't thought she'd spoken loudly enough to be heard.

"Windy! It's been a long time, pal! How've ya been!" A deep, rumbling voice called out from ahead of them, drawing Twilight's gaze to the bedazzled diamond dog up front.

"General Rex." Aegis intoned from his position next to her as they walked right up to the general.

"Aw... come on. Is that any way to talk to an old Academy buddy?"

"It's been over twenty years, general. We both have ranks now, and the responsibilities that come with them."

The general grinned wryly, incidentally showing off his long canines, "Right... you've got yourself a new name and everything now. Look at us... the general and the hero captain. Who'd've ever thunk it?" His gaze shifted over to Twilight and her friends, "And what've we got here? The famed Elements of Harmony... truly an honor."

Rex leaned forward and extended a paw, in which Twilight deposited her hoof after only a moment's hesitation. Solemnly, he touched it to his forehead before releasing her appendage. From the books she'd read, this was how high ranking dogs traditionally greeted war heroes, rather than nobility. She felt strangely honored by the distinction.

"Wellp... no use standing around out here." Rex continued, "Let's get back to the mansion and work things out over a drink, eh?"

Wordlessly, the captain followed Rex as the diamond dog turned to walk away. Apparently, the rest of the Cauldron guard took this as their own cue, because each and every one of them turned in perfect synchronicity and marched off toward a large, salmon-colored mansion.

"Don't you start now, Rainbow Dash!" Rarity muttered from behind her.

Twilight remembered Dash's propensity for trying to get a reaction out of the straight-laced pony guards - she'd pestered them nonstop the entire ride over - and was glad the fashionista was there to keep the pegasus in line.

After a relatively short walk, they all made their way past a set of intricate, iron-work gates into the Cauldron Guard compound, which in all honesty resembled a mansion more than anything else.

"Welcome to the Fortress!" Rex exclaimed proudly, waving his paws at the large building flanked by lush gardens. The guard dogs spread out in formation, digging the butts of their pikes into the ground when they came to a stop.

"Fortress?" Dash snickered, "Looks more like a resort than a fortre-oof! Hey!"

Rarity's timely elbow probably saved them all some embarrassment.

The general only smiled and tapped the side of his nose with a claw, "There's no need for tall walls on the North shore. The riffraff tend to stick to the Eastern side."

"General... we _are _in a bit of a hurry." captain Aegis grumbled.

Sighing, Rex motioned for them to follow as he stepped into the building, walking briskly through the lobby before entering a lavishly decorated meeting room with a magnificent view of the gardens outside. Only Aegis, Twilight, and the rest of the Elements followed him in, while the guardponies took up positions just outside.

"So," Rex started as he slumped onto a couch, "what brings you all the way out here to 'the heart of the world', Windy?"

"It's Aegis now." the captain replied, electing to stand, "Royal Guard Captain Aegis Fidelis."

Rex whistled as Twilight and her friends made themselves comfortable on the various couches that littered the room, "_Two _Names? You've been real busy since I last saw you, Win-... captain Aegis."

Aegis looked around, his eyes trailing over the expensive luxury that oozed from every inch of the room. Twilight herself couldn't help but contrast it with the relatively spartan efficiency of the Royal Guard headquarters back in Canterlot.

"I'm not the only one, it seems." he muttered.

Apparently, Rex heard him, because he proceeded to chuckle, "Cauldron's been good to me."

"The exporters, you mean." Aegis challenged.

"Aw... don't be like that. It's not like anybody can do anything about it. Three hundred dogs, seventy-five griffons, and forty ponies under my command, and I'm expected to keep a sprawl twice the size of Canterlot under control? Working with 'em's the only way to keep the peace around here... and it's the only way I've been able to stick around for more than a week."

Twilight could only half keep up with the conversation. It was clear to her, at least, that Aegis was decidedly _not _happy about meeting his old... "academy buddy"... under these circumstances. She suspected that their lack of correspondence in the past might have been more due to Aegis avoiding the old dog out of disgust than anything else.

The pony captain shook his head, "I didn't come here to talk would'ves and could'ves, Rex. I have a fugitive to hunt, and I intend to do it. Your 'permission' would be much appreciated."

The diamond dog general gazed blankly past them, seemingly lost in his own memories, before speaking, "Normally, I'd never let a foreign military do as they please around here... but you've always been as single-minded as they come, Windy, even back then. So, tell you what, I'll make an exception for old times' sake, but you have to promise to keep a low profile."

"I'll do what I can, general." Aegis nodded, engendering an awkward silence that seemed to stretch into infinity.

"Sooo... care to stick around for that drink?" Rex offered lightly, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

The captain grimaced, then finally spoke up, cold anger in his voice, "What happened to you, Rex? I remember a proud young guard dog who was going to fix the world, starting with this city." His eyes trailed over the plush furniture, gilded walls, and sizable paunch of the general before he continued, "You were my role model. Now look at you."

Rex's eyes narrowed, his lips turning down at the corners just enough to reveal the tips of sharp teeth designed for ripping and tearing, "_Reality _happened, Windy. This place bigger bite than any one dog can chew... as predecessors will happily tell if you care to go diving into deep part of river." The dog stopped and took a deep, shuddering breath, forcing a smile back unto his face.

Twilight noticed that he'd slipped back into an accent similar to the ex-ambassador's for a bit there. She also noticed that the two "Academy buddies" had gone back to staring at each other, this time neither willing to break the silence.

"Well," Rarity sighed out loudly from her spot on a particularly thickly cushioned couch, "I'm glad you two have had a chance to catch up on old times - always wonderful to visit with old friends - but I'm afraid that we _do_have a job to get on with. Right, captain?"

Aegis shook his head, as if coming out of a trance, and nodded, "Right. Thanks for your cooperation, general. We'll report in as soon as we catch the fugitive and get out of your fur."

Rex's lips twitched downward once again, but quickly returned to the wide smile he'd worn when they'd arrived, "Much appreciated, captain."

The other Elements made their way out of the room first, while Rainbow Dash muttered sullenly, "Well, that was awkwa-oof! Stop that!"

Following after them, Twilight turned to see Aegis lingering before the general, an inscrutable expression on his face.

"Rex...-"

"Good luck, Windy."

The two briefly shared a look that Twilight recognized immediately, she'd shared it with her own friends so many times. Someday, she'd have to get the whole story out of the captain.

Suddenly, the moment passed, frowns returned, and Aegis turned sharply and practically pushed her all the way out of the compound.

They made their way back to their ship, as the captain spoke up loudly enough for them all to hear. Recognizing a lecture when she heard one, Twilight quickly extracted a quill and parchment from her saddlebags, ready to take notes.

"We'll start our search on the East shore, since that's where most of the exporters hang out. Shawn'll probably have started there."

"Um..." a soft voice squeaked from within their group.

"I'll need all of you to keep your wits about you. This isn't Canterlot, so your safety isn't guaranteed."

"Excuse me... Captain...?"

"Also, keep an eye out for any strange or suspicious behavior. We don't want to pass up on any possible-" Aegis's spiel was interrupted by a yellow hoof tapping at his shoulder, "Yes, Fluttershy? You have a question?"

"Does that count as strange and suspicious behavior?"

Their gazes followed Fluttershy's pointing hoof to a group of uniformed griffons disembarking from a ferry. There wouldn't have been anything strange about it, except they were doing so while dancing in a conga line and singing terribly out of tune.

"Well, either Discord's gotten loose again, or we just found ourselves our first sign a' Pinkie Pie." Applejack chuckled.

"Let's go." Aegis started forward, a determined look on his face.

o0o

"A'right, just don' forget what I tol' ye, Shawnee."

"I'll have you know that I boast a nearly flawless memory, Wavy."

"Really? Then what'd I tell ye?"

"Something about not eating chocolate after midnight and looking both ways before crossing the street. I think I also heard something about a chupacabra in there somewhere, though, I'll be honest, that might just be wishful thinking."

Wavedancer stopped walking to slap a hoof to her face, causing Pinkie to bump into her from behind. The three of them were making their way down a particularly dark and ominous alley in the shipping district of the West shore. Apparently, one of the wooden side entrances that occasionally dotted the sides of the buildings would lead them to where Patrius, the crime lord, waited.

"Jus'... don' make direct eye contact with any o' them, 'specially Patrius. Doin' that's a challenge in griffon culture. An' let me do the talkin', unless ye get asked a question directly. That goes for both o' ye, unnerstand?"

She waited for both him and Pinkie to nod before moving forward and knocking on a plain door, visibly identical to the others they'd passed.

"What's yer business?" a voice growled out from behind the old wood.

"It's the Cap'n o' the Rough Seas. I'm here ta see Patrius."

"... 'e's _busy_. Come back next week."

"Oh, is 'e? Well, I suppose I'll 'ave to tell'im tomorrow 'bout how he got bit in the ass by an _urgent matter_, 'cause 'e was so _busy_, his dog wouln'a check with'im afore turnin' away 'is friend."

There was a moment of silence, before a long, drawn out sigh broke it, "Come on in."

The door creaked open into the candle-lit dimness of a small room, occupied by a large diamond dog holding an equally large mallet. He led them down a hallway, where they stopped in front of another door.

"This better be _real _important, 's'all I'm sayin'." the nameless dog muttered before opening it and waving them through.

The room they were now in was huge... comparable in size to the throne room back at Canterlot, though where that was composed of marble and gold, this was old wood and iron. Neatly stacked wooden crates lined the walls and formed aisles, and Shawn realized they were standing in what essentially amounted to a small warehouse. Much more well-kept that the massive storage buildings he'd seen back on the East shore, but a warehouse nonetheless.

Pinkie Pie sniffed the musty air, and let out a resounding sneeze, earning a scowl from Wavedancer.

"Oopsie..."

With a sigh, she led them toward the back. Shawn could soon see a massive, wooden desk, illuminated by the light of several lanterns and presided over by a scarred, old griffon. Several more griffons walked about, packing and sorting boxes while a cream-colored, red maned pony in a suit took inventory.

Now, Shawn wasn't familiar with griffon body-language like he was with ponies...

_Oh... wow... it's weird that that thought isn't weird anymore._

... but he was pretty sure that this particular griffon looked rather haggard and sleep-deprived. Patrius, as Wavedancer had called him, absently tapped out a steady beat with one claw as he watched them approach.

"Wavedancer, this better be important."

Shawn suppressed his surprise at Patrius's knowledge of the sea-mare's true name. There was probably a story there, somewhere, but they didn't have time for it now.

"Yeh, boss. I got a prime business opportunity for ye." Wavedancer replied, keeping a steady gaze on the griffon's beak. She had explained to them that, traditionally, the closer you got to meeting one's eyes, the more familiar you were with them. Actual eye-contact, of course, was only not a challenge when shared between mates or family. She'd advised both of them to avoid looking at him entirely, if they could.

Patrius's features soured, "I'm not really in the mood for business right now."

"Ye see this bloke right 'ere?" she pointed a hoof back at Shawn, who quickly looked at one of the boxes as the griffon's cold gaze flickered over to him, "'e's lookin' to work for The Shadow. An' I guarantee, The Shadow'll want to talk with'im."

"What's so special about him? Besides looking like a shaved monkey, I mean."

"Well, 'e's a zebra-trained shaman, a genuine psychic. Saw 'im prove it meself just t'day."

The tapping stopped, and Shawn felt the griffon's gaze on him intensify, inspecting him curiously.

"Come over here, kid."

Shawn complied, walking right on up to the desk and shifting his gaze to the griffon's claws.

"You're tellin' me this wussy monkey's a Shaman?" Patrius grunted, "I heard Shamans were highly trained, fearless spiritual mediums. Not soft little _wimps_."

_Damn it, I'm losing him. Quick, Shawn, do something!_

"Ah... well, ye see..." Wavedancer temporized, "I kinda told'im tha'-..." the mare froze in shock, as did the griffin before him.

_Huh... green eyes._ Shawn, thought, _I would've expected yellow._

Looking directly into them, Shawn felt, was somewhat akin to looking directly down the barrel of a rather large gun. Certainly it felt like roughly the same level of danger when Patrius's talons contracted, scraping long furrows into the wood of the desk.

A deathly silence descended over the warehouse, as even the other griffons stopped what they were doing to stare at them both.

Reflexively, Shawn showed his best grin and spoke, "The name's Shawn Spencer, interdimensional psychic, purveyor of prophesies, and a real big fan of your eyes. What is that, forest green? Whatever it is, it's absolutely _vibrant_."

The silence that followed his statement would have welcomed something as loud and disruptive as a pin drop. What it got, instead, was snort, followed by raucous laughter.

"I take it back, Wavedancer." Patrius chortled, "This monkey's definitely no wimp!"

The sea-mare laughed nervously, while Shawn's grin only widened.

"Kid," he continued, looking back to Shawn, "No one's had the feathers to do that since my old centurion, back when I was still a praetorian." the griffin chuckled again, wiping an errant tear from his eye, "So, either you're _real _stupid or you _knew _I wouldn't try to rip your guts out when you did it... and I've come to trust Wavedancer's judgment over the years. You really are psychic, aren't you?"

Shawn's grin widened and he nodded, "I'm certainly not stupid."

Patrius laughed again, "Hah! You're alright, kid. You remind me of my-..." he paused and sighed, the tiredness Shawn had seen before returning to his eyes all in a rush, "Look, I'd love to get you an introduction, but I'm a little busy with something a little more important right now. Come back next week, maybe."

Almost of its own volition, Shawn's hand rose to his temple, "I'm sensing you've got a bit of a personal problem. Something to do with family? Your kid, maybe?"

"How did...?" The griffon shook his head, "Right. Psychic."

"Something I can help with?"

There was another silence, as something seemed to dawn on Patrius, and the desperate, pleading look Shawn received at that moment was so unexpected, he almost flinched back, "It's my daughter... she's been missing for a week, and now I'm just hopin' for a ransom letter, 'cause that'd mean she's still alive out there. She's a real fighter, that one. Just like her mother was. But, she _never _goes off anywhere without lettin' me know first. With all that's been happening, I'm scared that..."

Patrius emitted a short growl of frustration, then continued, "I don't know why a psychic wants to go work for The Shadow. And, normally, I'd never get anybody else stuck in the same boat that I'm in right now with that monster. But... I _need _my daughter back." he snatched a picture frame from his desk handed it to Shawn, "That's her. You find her for me, psychic, and I'll personally vouch for you to whoever you want. No questions asked."

Shawn paused to look back at his companions. Wavedancer shrugged, while Pinkie Pie was... apparently she'd been chatting with the suited pony the whole time.

_How did no one notice that?_

It would mean a delay, possibly a fatal one for their three day time-limit, but what choice did he have? Plus, he'd never felt more like a detective in a gritty noir than at that moment.

"Please..." Partius chocked out in a hushed tone.

"YES!" Shawn yelled and threw his hands up, "Don't you worry, sir, I'll get her back for you, or my name isn't Trip Jackson!"

"I thought your name was Shawn Spencer..."

"Just 'cause you put syrup on somethin' don't make it pancakes!"

The griffon stared at him for a moment, before shaking off the confusion, "Take the picture with you. She was last seen at some sleezy bar called 'Salty's Pub' on the East shore. I want my daughter back, psychic, so let me know if you need _anything_."

_Coincidence after coincidence after coincidence..._

Shawn took the offered frame and tossed it to Wavedancer, who fumbled with it before using her magic to stuff it in a saddle-bag.

Pinkie caught up with them as they walked back out of the building, "So, what'd I miss?" she chirped happily.

"Yer friend is _cra_-"

"We're on a new case, Surprise." Shawn interrupted, before Wavedancer could reveal he'd probably already broken his 'Pinkie Promise' with the eye-contact stunt, "There's a missing griffon, and when we find her, we find The Shadow."

"Okie-dokie-loki!" Pinkie smiled.

Shawn envied her happy-go-lucky attitude at the moment, because he couldn't help but feel like he'd stumbled unto something big on his first day here. He shelved the suspicion in the back of his mind and walked on, a strange determination to get to the bottom of all this filling his chest.


	14. The Running Shawn

The late afternoon sun shone through the massive windows of the dank, old warehouse. Even the countless layers of dust and grime that covered them were unable to entirely prevent the encroachment of the light.

A lone, cream colored, red-maned pony stood there, nervously shifting his weight between his hooves and occasionally adjusting the fit of his snappy suit-jacket. The expensive clothes he wore had been a gift from his griffon boss for many years of devoted service. As was his nice house on the West shore.

His allegiance hadn't shifted easily. But just as the shadows that lined the floor moved with the setting of the sun, shift it had.

One of the shadows, deeper and darker than the others, flowed unnaturally, suddenly shaping itself into a deformed imitation of his own outline.

"Master..." the earth pony gasped. This wasn't how it normally worked. The Shadow rarely showed itself in person to its informants, preferring to speak to them through a voice that echoed out from the nearest source of darkness, "I am unworthy of your presence!" he bowed, knowing that the creature across from him enjoyed overt signs of submission from its employees.

"This is a _very _interesting report you give us, child." it spoke with a multifaceted voice, a creepy chorus of various pitches and tones which resulted in a gender-neutral dissonance, "We did not expect the human to turn to us so easily. Perhaps something can be salvaged from the ambassador's mistake, after all."

The stallion gulped, unsure of how to respond. He probably hadn't been meant to hear that last bit, but he'd grown accustomed to the fact that his new boss tended to ramble to itself on occasion. It made him wonder, sometimes, if the dangerous creature was... entirely _there_, or if its ethereal nature interfered with the clarity of its concentration.

The thought was moot... he knew he'd never have the courage to ask.

"What were you promised?" it suddenly spoke.

"Pardon?"

"What. Were. You. Promised?" The Shadow repeatedly, more curtly, "For your service. Remind us."

"Riches, your majesty." he responded simply. The Shadow hissed in pleasure at the formality. It had always insisted on being spoken to as if it were royalty. For all he knew, it was.

"That is right... enough for one of those little mansions on the North shore that you covet so much. A suitable ambition for a pony with little imagination." it chuckled, "Do you know what I aspire to, peasant?

"No, your grace."

"Far more than you can imagine, I assure you. But my ambitions will require more than mere wealth and influence. And those that help me fulfill them, will surely achieve theirs in the process. Those who do not... well..."

The room grew dimmer, a heavy, suffocating darkness eating away at the edges of his vision. It wasn't so bad, until he realize that the darkness was _actually _suffocating him!

"Your grace!" he gasped, panic growing in his chest.

"This _creature _could turn out to be very useful, our little pony. Keep a close eye on him, and make sure his desire for sanctuary from Canterlot is genuine. Oh... and be sure to report to me if he manages to find that troublesome griffon. It is high time her wings are clipped."

As suddenly as it came, the darkness abated.

The pony sucked in precious air as The Shadow sunk back into its namesake, leaving him alone once again. He shuddered and stood, huddling in his jacket against an imagined cold and wondering just what he'd gotten himself into.

o0o

"Say, Shawn?"

"Yeah, Pinkie?"

"Do you even know what her name is?"

"Nope."

"Well... aren'tcha gonna go back and ask?"

"Nope."

"Oh, okay then."

Shawn and Pinkie made their way down the now-familiar boardwalk toward Salty's Pub. The sun was starting to set, and Shawn was starting to really feel the exhaustion that comes from stealing short naps in lieu of getting any actual sleep. Even Pinkie had been starting to slow down before their snack aboard the Rough Seas on the way over. Apparently, lady-cappy had a bit of a sweet tooth, and had let Pinkie loose on some of the baked goodies she'd had squirreled away from her trips up the river. The energy boost the ex-earth pony derived from simple sugar was mind-boggling, and Shawn made a mental note to keep the pony far away from any source of caffeine. If nothing else, for the sake of his own sanity.

"Wait... why not?" The sugar-fueled hummingbird/pegasus continued.

"Because asking for a name would've hurt my street cred as a psychic. If I show that picture around enough at the pub, someone'll eventually tell me."

Reaching back, Pinkie drew the aforementioned portrait from it, inspecting it closely, "Hmmmm... you know, she looks awfully familiar..."

Shawn stopped and turned, "Don't tell me _you _know her?"

After another minute of close inspection, the pegasus finally shrugged and stuffed it back in the saddlebags, "The last time I met a griffon was over two years ago, and she was a meany-grumpy-McMeanpants. I mean, I even threw her a party! And all she did was yell at everypony because _she_ couldn't get over the fact that Dashie had other friends besides her! _AND _she left before even trying the cake! I mean, who even does that! What kind of party pooper turns down perfectly good cake!"

It was hard to tell, but Shawn was starting to suspect that Pinkie might be genuinely upset by this, "Sooo... that's a no, then?"

"It's an I-didn't-really-know-her-all-that-well-so-I-can't-be-totally-100-percent-sure-but-maybe."

A moment passed, where Shawn, unsure of how to follow that, simply stood there. Processing.

"I'm not gonna lie," he finally winced and reached up to grip the bridge of his nose, "that one hurt my brain a little."

"I heard sugar helps with headaches! Want a cupcake?"

"No you didn't, because that would be waaaaay too awesome... but yes. Yes, I would, please."

The wood-planked streets of Cauldron's East shore boardwalk were a lot less crowded once the evening started to set in. The orange glow of the slowly setting sun lent color to the normally white-washed look of the increasingly dilapidated buildings they passed. Storefronts were locking their doors, while the day-time street vendors gave way to their less respectable night brethren.

Shortly thereafter, the two of them reached their destination. Though Shawn was preoccupied licking crumbs from his fingers, he couldn't help but stop and peer curiously at the dirty windows of the building before him.

"Say," Shawn started, "something seem off to you?"

Pinkie floated, stock still except for her wings, which buzzed away, "What? Besides the fact that the aggressively rebellious daughter of the city's most powerful smuggler was last seen in the bar of its most infamous information dealer? And that both of them have ties to, and motivation to hate, the shadowy criminal overlord that rules its seedy underbelly with an iron hoof? And that the building's upside down?"

Shawn took a moment to mull that over, "I was actually going to say it's real quiet for an early evening at a bar. And you're the one upside down." A gentle push at the mare's head set her spinning on her axis.

"Wheeeeeeeeee! Now it's right side up! Now it's sideways! Now it's upside down again! Now its sideways the other way! Ooo! Pinchy knee!"

The choice of whether to head inside the bar or stick around and listen to the narration of Pinkie's slow spin was an easy one.

Feeling bold, and more than a little tired of retracing his steps, Shawn kicked the swinging wooden door open and stepped in, "Hey, Softy! I need to ask you... a... question..."

It had taken a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dimness of the pub. But now, he could see that his shadow stretched across the length of the dirty, straw-covered floor and came to rest upon the gold-shod hooves of a very surprised captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard.

"Huh..."

o0o

Rainbow Dash sighed again. Loudly.

So far, she'd been doing her best to make sure everypony knew just how bored she was with this whole ordeal. After she grew bored with _that_, she decided to try to chat up some of the more interesting looking patrons, but none of them had been particularly talkative. Or open to listening to her talk, which would have worked just as well.

She looked back over her shoulder at captain Aegis from her spot on the rafters. The stallion was currently interrogating the bartender, a massive female minotaur by the name of Soft Speech.

At first, the captain's reaction at meeting a creature he couldn't immediately intimidate into cooperation had been pretty hilarious. Unfortunately, both of their stubborn natures had quickly taken hold, and now they were stuck in an endless loop of trying to out-tough each other. By all rights, the stupid pub should have caught fire by the heat of the glares that were getting thrown around.

_I don't even know why they're bothering. Everypony knows I'm the toughest one in the room._

Another sigh, and she fervently wished for something interesting to happen.

_Why couldn't the princess send __me __with Shawn? I bet Pinkie's having all kinds of interesting adventures with him, while I'm stuck here listening to ponies talk. _she lamented.

Dash flipped over on her belly, looking down at all the different creatures doing their best to mind their own business and ignore the armored guardsponies standing at attention throughout the room. Applejack and Twilight were still doing their best to keep the two rough-'n-tumble personalities from coming to blows, while Fluttershy and Rarity did their best to keep as much distance between themselves and the less... savory patrons.

Her attention was drawn back to the argument by Twilight, who had finally snapped and raised her voice, "Captain, please! Arguing with the bartender isn't going to make Shawn appear out of thin ai-!"

The unicorn's plea was rudely interrupted the bang of wood striking wood, and a very familiar voice cutting through the ensuing silence, "Hey, Softy! I need to ask you... a... question..."

The form of a certain scrawny, bipedal, interdimensional monkey was silhouetted by the sunlight rushing into the room.

"Huh..." he muttered as he took in the scene, while every pony in the room (and one very surprised minotaur) gaped in stunned disbelief. Very slowly, and deliberately, the human took two steps back, then turned and dashed out through the still-swinging door.

Twilight's hoof was the first to meet the face of its master. Applejack's, Rarity's, and Dash's own soon followed.

The guardsponies stared, muscles tense and awaiting the command of their captain to accomplish their mission.

"Uhhh... capture him?"

The guardsponies surged forward, shoving chairs and patrons aside in their mad rush for the door. Twilight was clearly panicking, not having expected things to go this wrong this quickly. If Shawn was caught now, the gig was up, and there went their best chance at finding The Shadow.

Fortunately for her well-read friend, Dash was a mare of action! She shot forward, covering the distance to the door unimpeded by ground-bound obstacles and faster than everypony else. Everypony else, that is, except for Applejack, who'd vaulted and jumped across several tables in her own bid to reach the human first.

There was an awkward thump and the creak of strained wood, as Dash found her momentum suddenly and violently halted at the frame of the gateway to the boardwalk. A quick look to her right revealed the problem.

"You've gotta be kidding me." she groaned, quietly mourning the death of her dignity.

Applejack, firmly wedged into the doorway against her, squirmed a little, then sighed, "Well... t'wasn't what Ah had planned. But, Ah suppose this'll give them two a chance to put some distance between us."

Dash squirmed as well, a vain effort, then hung her head. The wood was old, but very sturdy, and as strong as the two of them were, neither could get quite enough leverage to squeeze past the other.

"This is _so _not cool." Dash muttered, then looked up in time to see Shawn and Pinkie disappear around the corner of a building.

She could hear a commotion building up behind them as the guards milled about the entrance, unsure of how to handle getting past two national heroes without shattering the little dignity they had left. Suddenly, everything quieted down, motivating Dash to try to turn her head enough to see what was going on.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw lieutenant Gladius step forward and set her back legs, horn shining brightly.

"Move. Your. PLOTS!" the last word was punctuated by a flash of blue light as an unrelenting force catapulted Dash, Applejack, and most of the door's frame out into the street.

Dash shot past the farmpony, who was about as aerodynamic as the chunks of door. She spread her wings and winced as her friend hit the ground, skidding to a stop while Dash used her new-found momentum to rocket after the fleeing duo. Not that she knew what she'd do once she caught up, but she did know that she couldn't let the guards get to them first.

_Pinkie's a pegasus now... maybe she can follow me while I give Shawn a ride outta here. _The more she thought about it, the more challenging it seemed, and the more she liked the idea.

She didn't bother to slow down at the corner, her rainbow-colored contrail briefly highlighting the incredibly high-G ninety degree turn for all to see. It wouldn't take long for the pegasus guards to catch up once they took to the skies, so Dash kept her sharp eyes peeled as she sped down the alleyway. The human's long legs would probably allow him to build up a decent lead, so she'd have to hurry to catch-...

Her thought trailed off when she realized she'd just shot past Shawn, who seemed to be leaning against a wall, huffing in air as if he'd just sprinted a marathon.

Flapping her wings hard, she forced herself to a stop, feeling the gale generated by her speed rush past her and send several trashcans tumbling. Dash turned, and quickly floated to the gasping human, briefly wondering where Pinkie had gone off to.

"Hey, are you okay! What happened!"

"Just... catching... my second... wind." he wheezed between deep breaths.

Dash groaned, "Dude, are you serious? You only ran like 200 meters! _Twilight _would've caught you already!"

"Hey...! I'm not... out of shape... I'm just... not used to... running... a whole lot."

"Ugh." she brought a hoof to her face yet again, "Well, we need to get you outta here before any of the guards find you guys..." noticing a distinct absence of sugar-fueled chatter, she paused and looked around, "Uhhh... where _is _Pinkie Pie, anyway?"

"It's Surprise, now, silly!" one of the trashcans chirped.

"Oh, right, I forgo- whoa!" Dash backpedaled in mid-air away from the haunted receptacle, "Pinkie!"

The metal lid of the can popped open, and a not-so-white-anymore pegasus stuck her head out, "Shhhh! Can't you see I'm hiding!"

"Pinkie... you need to hide Shawn, too, or it doesn't really help..."

Pinkie paused, then bopped herself upside the head, "Oh, right! Tooootally forgot! I'm not used to doing this with other ponies..."

Shawn shoved himself away from the wall, "Okay... I'm all set... let's go..." his declaration was short-lived, as the guy stumbled several steps forward before falling flat on his face, "Okay... maybe five more minutes..."

"We don't _have _five minutes!" Dash growled, "The only reason you're not already in shackles is because AJ and I made sure they didn't see where you two went!" Of course, she realized the way she said it made their actions sound a lot more intentional than they really were... but there was no need to mention that.

Shaking her head, Rainbow landed next to Shawn, shoved her neck under his arm, and stood, dragging him to his feet, "Hang on tight, I'm going to have to stay low to avoid the other pegasi."

"Is this entirely necessary?"

"Would you rather Pinkie carry you?"

Shawn's face paled and she felt his grip tighten around her neck.

"Thought so." she grinned and tested her wings' range of motion. Finding it acceptable, she crouched, then shot off in a straight line down the alley, "Come on, Pinkie!"

The ex-earth pony shot after her, wings buzzing like a bee's and actually doing a decent job of keeping up with Dash's punishing pace, giggling all the while.

o0o

Shawn let his arms flop to the ground, useless after a grueling chase through the back-streets of Cauldron.

The pegasi guards had been making the getaway a lot more difficult than it otherwise would have been. The two Elements and debonair detective had eventually been forced into their current position inside a closed store, which Rainbow Dash had gotten them into with a swift buck to the door. A door she had cracked open and was currently peering out of.

The streets were quiet, the magical lamps lining them already emitting light as the last rays of the sun peeked over the horizon. Soon, the sky would go from deep red to blue, and twilight would overtake the city.

"Horse-apples," Dash sighed, "they're still out there. Patrolling. How's Pinkie doing?"

Shawn looked over at the white pegasus, snoring away behind one of the product displays, "Out cold. Guess she finally came down from that sugar high."

"Well, I can't carry both of you _and_ outfly a squadron of guards. I'm good, but nopony's _that _good."

"We've come this far without getting spotted. It's just one quick run from here to the boat." he replied, trying to stay upbeat.

The cyan pegasus raised her eyebrow at him, "Dude... you can barely stand up. And I won't be able to help you guys for this last bit. Not without the guards realizing I'm on your side."

She was right. Shawn hated to admit it, but she was. So far, they'd managed to avoid drawing the attention of any guards by sneaking from alleys, to warehouses, to empty stores. Now, however, there was very little cover from their current hiding place to the pier, which they needed to get to without being seen or the effort would be moot. The Rough Seas was a fast ship, but it couldn't possibly hope to outrun fliers.

Shawn pondered their situation. His standard plan for dealing with getaway scenarios - mainly, hop in theblueberry and drive off at middling speed - wasn't really an option. With a sigh, he emptied his pockets of the hodgepodge of possibly useful items he'd... borrowed... during the course of their escape. A few fireworks, a spyglass, a length of rope, and a small bag containing a handful of something he hoped not to have to use.

The spyglass had already come in handy several times, allowing them to spot guard patrols and scope out each new potential hiding place as they came to it.

It hadn't been nearly as useful, however, as Pinkie's apparently genuine power to predict the future.

He hadn't really had a chance to sit down and question it. And, considering everything else he'd seen in this dimension, wasn't ever really going to tear his hair out over it. But Shawn had been mightily surprised, nonetheless, when Pinkie started accurately predicting when patrols of guards would be in a position to spot them.

It was like some sort of quirky spider-sense. She'd just twitch, yell out "My hooves are tingling!" and bodily throw herself (and Shawn, the first few times) into the nearest hiding place, moments before a passing guard would have otherwise spotted the group. Dash would then redirect the armored pony, asserting that she'd already searched the area.

"Maybe you should just wait it out here." Dash suggested, "I can go find Twilight and get her to come over and teleport you to the boat. Or cast an invisibility spell. Or... something..."

Shawn shook his head, "We don't have time for you to go find her. And even if you do, she's probably already busy shielding us from the lieutenant."

She gave him an odd look, "You don't know that."

"Think about it... the lieutenant's gotta be a pretty strong magic user, and she specializes in law enforcement. There's no way she doesn't know how to track with magic. And, you said it yourself, the Cap'n only brought his best. The fact that they haven't found us yet probably means that Twilight's been pulling the same trick for me and Pinkie that The Shadow was pulling for those diamond dogs."

Dash grimaced and nodded, "I guess that makes sense." The odd look then returned, accompanied by a wry grin, "You sure you're not really psychic?" She'd been cracking jokes about that ever since Pinkie had told her what they'd been up to so far.

"I'm a man of many, _many _talents," he replied, "but, sadly, psychic powers aren't among them."

The last vestiges of sunlight fled the city, and true night began to take hold. Shawn saw the last bit of natural light fade away through the small gap between the door and the frame and smiled.

"There is, however, one thing I've always been especially gifted at." he continued as he got to his feet and tottered over to the slumbering Pinkie, hefting a small, brown bag.

"And what's that?" Dash eyed the container, eyes growing wide and fearful when she witnessed the contents therein, "Oh, dear Celestia... you're not...?"

"Mayhem. Open wide, Pinkie... you get to be a distraction today!"

The half-asleep mare mumbled something unintelligible, chewing and swallowing by reflex as the first coffee bean disappeared down her gullet.

o0o

Storm Front had never considered himself a particularly brave or lucky pegasus.

Looking back on his relatively fortunate life, one would be tempted to believe a story of constant success and achievement. The youngest wing-leader in a generation, he held authority over mares and stallions as old as his parents. Not one of them resented him, however, casually throwing words around like "prodigy" and "goddess-favored". They all spoke of the day when he would get his first Heroe's Title... as if it was some sort of foregone conclusion.

Yet, throughout his life, in return for his admittedly impressive victories, fate had seen fit to place him at the apparent center of nearly every disaster that struck within 100 miles of his presence. From cataclysmic catastrophes to minor mishaps, it was nearly a guarantee that Storm Front would be somewhere in the thick of things. Not because he'd rushed in, but because he just happened to be in the wrong place at the right time.

Nightmare Moon comes back after a thousand years of exile? She pops up in some small, middle-of-nowhere town he happens to be posted in, blasting him with lightning in return for his ill-thought-out charge. His "bravery" in the face of overwhelming odds had gotten him his first promotion into the ranks of commissioned officers.

Omnipotent god of chaos escapes his ancient prison? Storm Front happens to be the pony assigned to patrolling the palace gardens. He'd spent a solid 6 hours as a singing iguana before they'd found him... promptly promoting him to the princess's personal guard for his heroic attempt to alert the other guards about Discord's resurgence.

Changeling invasion of the capital city? He lead a group of the remaining guards in an assault on the palace, trying to reach the princess he was supposed to be protecting. An hour later, he'd awoken sore and covered in goo after being dragged out of one of the cocoons suspended from the ceiling of the main lobby. That one had gotten him his current position as wing-leader of the company assigned to come to Cauldron with none other than the captain of the Royal Guard!

Yes, looking back on his relatively fortunate life, one wouldn't have to dig too hard to see a particular pattern emerge.

"Anything to report, corporal?" he called out to one of the scouts he'd spread out over the city, a mare by the name of Airflow.

"No, sir, I-"

She was cut off as an unearthly wail rose up from the city below. The strangely playful, high pitched shriek echoed through the streets, coinciding with several lamps flickering randomly.

Storm Front suddenly felt his primary feathers begin to vibrate, the hairs on the nape of his neck rising of their own volition in response.

"Did... did you hear that, sir!" Airflow gasped, scanning the buildings below for signs of movement.

"I _felt _that, corporal..." he shuddered.

The sound tapered off, ending in a lilting laugh not unlike a filly's giggle. It was quite possibly the only thing that could have made the event any creepier than it already was.

"I've read this story..." he muttered, sweating, "Stupid bucking horror writers and their stupid, bucking, long-haired filly ghosts. I am _not _getting dragged to bucking Tartarus."

"Sir! I see movement down below!" the corporal exclaimed.

Storm Front followed her pointing hoof, quickly spotting the flitting shadow. If he listened carefully, he could hear a faint buzz coming from it. A changeling, perhaps?

"Corporal, private," he pointed to Airflow and another nearby guardsmare, "follow me. This could be one of our suspects. Be on your guards... it could also be a changeling. Follow standard identity confirmation protocols, the passcode is: Ageless. The rest of you, spread out and sweep forward... and grab some backup while you're at it."

The mares nodded and dove down after him, initiating the pursuit. The three of them followed the buzzing sound, cutting through the air above the street and making sure to stay just above the rooftops.

He could see it more clearly now, a dark shape carrying a bundle of strangely shaped sticks, flitting from shadow to shadow and always staying just ahead of the three guards. Frustration began to rise in Storm Front's belly, shoving aside the trepidation he'd felt before at facing a changeling again.

_How is this thing keeping just ahead of us! _the thought forced a growl from his throat. He was no Wonderbolt, but he was still a pegasus guard! Next to the famed racers, the member's of Equestria's air force were the fastest, most nimble things in the sky!

That strange, melodious laughter rang out again as the shape they chased turned a sharp corner and disappeared. They were now deep in the warehouse district, and Storm Front belatedly realized that his enemy had managed to draw him and his two underlings away from the rest of the guards.

The lights here were dimmer, and set further apart. Shadows played across the walls of the hulking storage facilities that rose on every side, creating an intricate system of dark alleys that were perfect for ambushing unsuspecting guardsponie-

_No! Don't think like that!_

Again, that infernal laughter rang out and Storm Front turned in the air, trying to spot the source of the noise. Too many echoes.

"Can either of you tell where it's coming from?" he asked.

The other two guards shook their heads as they floated with their backs to him and each other, maximizing the area they could keep an eye on. Apparently they'd noticed the increased danger of getting caught by surprise, as well. The buzzing sound had been getting progressively louder, coming from every direction and eating at the edges of his sanity as he fought to keep it together for the sake of the others.

"Call out if you spot any movement." he finished.

"Yes, sir."

"Yes, sir."

"Sure thing!"

Storm Front froze, a brief moment of terror causing his heart to skip a beat, then jerked around to face the voice that had come from directly behind him.

And there she was... a figure from his nightmares. A pegasus filly, upside down, grinning madly, eyes dilated to points, and with a frazzled mane hanging loosely from her head. Her wings... they were moving so fast they were hardly visible, and he could now see they were the obvious source of the buzzing.

Calming himself - _it's just a filly after all! _- Storm Front shot reassuring glances to the two nervous guards and confronted the mare, "What the hay do you think you're doing flying around like that at this time of night? Don't you know there are terrorists on the loose!"

The mare only grinned back. He prepared another scathing rebuke when Airflow spoke up.

"Look at her cutie mark, sir! This _is_one of the fugitives!"

A quick glance confirmed it, and Storm Front set his shoulders and advanced on the twitching pegasus, "Young filly, you're in a _lot _of trouble. Don't make this any harder for yourself than it needs to be and come with us."

"Okie-dokie-lokie!" she squealed and just stopped flapping her wings, crashing to the ground below and giggling loudly.

One of the guardsmares chortled, and Storm Front sighed and floated down to the street where she'd landed. The filly sat there, wings buzzing occasionally as he approached.

"I'd really, really, _really _love to come and play tag with you guys some more! Maybe we could even all have a party after I let you catch me and we could tell stories and play games and eat lots and lots of cake!"

The high-pitched chatter roiled in his head, and Storm Front had to make a physical effort to keep his eyes from crossing at the verbal assault, "Wha-?"

"BUUUUUT!" she cut him off, several of her blonde locks twitching out of place.

It had taken him a moment to realize, because the effect was subtle, but from this distance it was obvious: she was _vibrating_. Not trembling, or quivering, or shaking. She was doing a perfect imitation of a tuning fork... Storm Front could even hear a low thrum that had been hidden by the buzzing of her wings before.

_What the?_

"I-gotta-go-meet-up-with-Shawn-you-should-leave-before-the-fireworks-go-off-oh-pinchy-knee-bye!"

He blinked and she was gone. Just... vanished. A quickly receding "Wheeeeeee!" the only indication that she hadn't just outright teleported. In hindsight, seeing a hornless pegasus teleport probably would have been slightly less disturbing.

Airflow and the private gaped, glancing around in a vain effort to spot the fugitive again.

Storm Front knew it was a lost cause, though... that filly had clearly been toying with them the entire time. But why? Had she been trying to lead them here? For what?

His eye caught a spark moving across the ground, and his ears finally noticed the telltale hiss of a... fireworks... fuse...

"Move!" he shouted and took off into the sky, shoving his subordinates along with him as the first of the bottle rockets began going off, whizzing around and creating an ungodly noise that would surely draw every guard in the city to this location.

"We've been had!" he growled... then winced as the rest of the bundle of fireworks ignited.

The three guards were forced to land on a nearby roof, the air now filled with flying, exploding objects. Several of them veered off-course, embedding themselves into the old, dry wood and plaster of the nearby warehouses. Dusty, old warehouses full of who knew what...

"By Celestia..." Storm Front gasped and turned, "We're heading back! Stay low!"

They leapt forward, diving from the roof on the other side of the building and flying as quickly and close to the ground as he could manage, the two guardsmares right behind him.

A thump and a bright flash of orange from behind them announced the first fireball flaring to life.

o0o

"Hmm..." Shawn hummed, shielding his eyes from the glare of the quickly growing series of fireballs shooting up from the warehouse district. Combined with the occasional pops and flashes of fireworks, it made the whole scene look like a war-zone from a bad action flick.

"Twilight is _not _gonna be happy about that." Dash joked as she enjoyed the impromptu light show, "Did you know that was gonna happen?" she turned and looked at him, clearly amused.

"Not really, no. Nothing I can do about it now, though. And I'm pretty sure that entire area is empty storage, anyway."

Dash grunted as the two walked side by side toward the Rough Seas. Every single guard in the area had immediately rushed to the scene of the fire, and several pegasi were already making rain clouds and unleashing them on the growing inferno.

Shawn stopped and grimaced. He'd told Pinkie that the fireworks were just a small distraction. Something to make the guards go investigate long enough for them to sneak aboard the ship. Now, though... he had a feeling he was going to get another earful from her before the night was done.

"I'm more worried about Pinkie than Twilight." he sighed and started walking again.

"Why?"

"Kinda promised her I wouldn't do anything too stupidly dangerous. She probably thinks I broke it now."

Rainbow stared at him, "Dude... you didn't _Pinkie Promise _that, did you?"

"Yeah, why? Is that bad?"

She shook her head and gave him a distinctly pitying look, "Just hide behind something heavy when you get on board. And be ready to apologize... _a lot_."

"Great." he mumbled and clambered up the plank to the waiting boat, "Well... thanks for the assist, RD."

"Sure!" she grinned up at him, "What are friends for, right?"

Then, with a beat of her wings and a rush of wind, she was gone.

There was a creak of wood as the cabin door opened from behind him and a slightly inebriated Wavedancer emerged unto the deck, "Oi! Wha's all the commotion 'bout, Shawnee?" The sea-mare's eyes were drawn to the city sky-line, outlined in the dying glow of a hard-fought blaze, "Bleedin' goddess, ye set the city on fire!"

"Who set what on fire!" A very familiar voice called out from the cabin before Shawn could reply with one of his pre-prepared excuses.

The towering shape of Soft Speech the minotaur ducked out into the fresh night air, pink apron and all. She stared into the distance, before glowering down at him, "Soft Speech's bar better be intact, Shawn Spencer."

Shawn shrugged, shaking off his surprise at her presence, "I make no guarantees about the structural integrity of any buildings when caffeine, fireworks, and Surprise are all involved."

The minotaur growled again, then shook her head and chuckled, "You have a flare for entrances, little lamb. Soft Speech supposes she won't be going back to it anytime soon, anyway."

Shawn ignored the last bit, suddenly wondering how she'd ended up there in the first place, "What are you even doing here? How did you find the ship?"

"How? Soft Speech was the one who told you where it was, remember? And Soft Speech couldn't exactly stick around after you basically announced to all the guards that she knows you."

_Oh... right... that._

Shawn hummed something vaguely apologetic and turned to glance towards the city again, "Let's cast off, Cappy. The guards'll be sweeping this area again as soon as the fires get put out. I'm gonna go catch some shut-eye."

"What about yer friend?" Wavedancer questioned, though it did not stop her from beginning the process of undocking the boat.

"She can fly and knows what the ship looks like. Just stay out in the river tonight and I'm sure she'll spot us." he muttered tiredly. Plus, it would give her time to cool down - and him time to recuperate - before she caught up and did whatever had caused Rainbow to suggest he actually take cover from the party pony.

"Oh, and Softy?"

"Yes, little lamb?"

Shawn shuddered, "I'm beat right now, but I have some questions I need to ask you tomorrow morning."

"Ditto, little lamb."

"Feel free t'take the cot, Shawnee," Wavedancer piped up from the helm on the roof, "I won' be gettin' any sleep t'night, anyways. And the minotaur's too bloomin' huge ta sleep in the cabin."

Groaning, Shawn shambled into the small room and flopped face-down on the cot, tired beyond reason and nursing a growing headache. He'd been getting a lot of those lately, and they seemed to get worse the closer he got to breaking this case. The boat rocked as it gently floated off downstream.

Time and reality began to lose coherence, and the last thing that floated through Shawn's mind as he drifted off to sleep was a half-heard, haunting, high-pitched wail.

"_You Pinkie Promised!_"


	15. Little Lyin' Man

Footsteps echoed through endless, sterile hallways. Black, door-shaped holes dotted the brilliantly white walls, occasionally breaking up the mindless monotony of the spartan maze Shawn navigated.

He was chasing something, or maybe someone. A flickering, shadowy figure that he could only catch bare glimpses of before it turned each corner. It felt like he'd been running for hours. Days. Years.

Someone else ran beside him, a featureless shape that loped along more often on four legs than it did on two.

Another corner, another hallway. This time, the floor and ceiling came alive with blurry images. A powerful sense of déjà vu emanated from them, as if-

_It had felt very much like a flashback: One of the vivid memories he often called up from the depths of his eidetic mind to reanalyze an important scene or event. Except, this time it had been less like remembering, and more like getting a serious déjà vu from a daydream. As if he hadn't remembered an actual event, but a memory of an event._

His body spasmed, though he did not stop running. It was entirely possible that he couldn't.

_A memory of a memory..._

Another corner, another hallway. Featureless once again, except for a shadow. A dark, shapeless stain that hung in the air, fading into one of the square black holes. This was it.

Shawn shouted in challenge, charging forward as fast as his legs could carry him. The shapeless being actually looked surprised as he collided with it, driving them both into the black void beyond the empty frame. There was a screech, like nails on a chalkboard, and the figure shattered into a million pieces, dispersing into the nether.

The screeching continued as he tumbled through empty space. Forming barely heard words, instilling half formed images into his mind.

_... promised..._

_... you promised, Shawn._

_Shawn..._

_SHAWN..._

"**SHAWN!**"

Shawn's eyes fluttered open, the terrifyingly real dream quickly fading from clarity. The first thing he noticed was how white everything still looked. Except for those two azure lakes, pierced by a similarly matched pair of black wells at their centers. Actually, now that he thought about it, this vista was remarkably similar to what he would imagine an extreme close up of a cartoonishly large pair of eyes might look like.

Vividly blue eyes.

Just like Pinkie's eyes.

"Huh...?" he muttered.

The rest of the world came into focus. Most of it was currently occupied by the frowning, furious visage of one slightly charred pegasus party pirate. Ex-Party pirate.

"Apologize." she demanded.

It was at that moment that Shawn's brain, a notoriously slow starter in the mornings, finally caught up with the situation. After careful analysis, it determined that he was being pinned to the bed by a rabid Pinkie Pie. Now, there were few good options in this kind of a situation, as unfamiliar as it was, so it dug through its extensive database of classic movie scenarios for an appropriate response. After a moment's processing, Shawn's brain finally settled on an old but reliable standby: the Jack Woltz.

"AAAAAAUUUUUUUG-"

A white hoof rudely cut off his protestation at Pinkie's chosen manner of rousing him from sleep.

"I didn't hear a sorry in there..." Pinkie's voice took on a warning tone as she tilted her head sideways and forward, bringing a single, bulging eye to bear on his discomfort.

"Hmmphm?"

Her ears twitched at his muffled utterance, and she slowly removed the hoof that was covering his mouth.

Shawn took a deep breath, "In my defense, I had my fingers crossed, which in _my _culture completely nullifies the-"

Pinkie's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Sorry!" Shawn put his hands up in front of his face, turning away from the terrifying glare, "I'mreallysorrypleasedon'thurtme!"

There was a moment of silence, as if she judged the sincerity of his words, before she finally spoke.

"Okay!"

Shawn started going into another round of rushed apologies before he paused, "Pardon?"

"Okay!" she restated. Her trademark goofy smile was back, and she was happily clambering off of the bed.

"What... that's it? No punishment? No righteous infliction of retribution for my foul preradication?"

Pinkie paused at the door, glancing back at him with features scrunched up in mild confusion, "Why would I punish you if you said you're sorry, silly? And I don't think that last word was right... actually, I don't think that was a word at all..."

He would have been more indignant, had elation not been coursing through his veins. This kind of a situation was new to him... normally, he'd have to manipulate, lie, and play endless word games to get away this. Apparently, all he had to do here, with Pinkie, was say he's sorry and BAM! Absolutely no consequen-

"Soft Speech, he's awake! And he's ready to apologize to you personally for probably burning down your livelihood!" Pinkie called out through the open doorway, then turned back to him, that same, silly smile plastered on her face, "You should get up. We're having waffles for breakfast!"

"Did... did you just hold a grudge?" he asked, unsure of whether to feel shocked or proud.

"I'm sure I don't know _what_you're talking about, darling." Pinkie followed her rather fair imitation of Rarity with a wink, then reached forward and grabbed the edge of the open door with a front hoof, "Don't dilly-dally now. Wouldn't want your breakfast to get cold, hmm?"

The door slammed shut, leaving Shawn alone with his thoughts.

o0o

Seven hours.

Seven hours of hard labor by his winged guards and the local pegasi to pour enough rain into the conflagration to put it out. Captain Aegis's eyelids drooped, his body felt heavy, and his stomach competed with his parched throat for attention. Still, he stood, silently watching over the process as workers and guards picked through the wreckage.

So far, it seemed that only the abandoned portions of the warehouse district had been affected, the fire's progress halted by basic fire-proofing spells cast on many of the buildings that actually had anything of value in them.

One of the pegasi, a sooty up-and-comer by the name of Storm Front, flew down to him and threw up a weary salute.

"What's the damage, wing-leader?"

"I'm happy to report that there have been no casualties, sir, and injuries are minor at worst. That pony who set this off was either really careful or really lucky."

Aegis grunted in reply. There really was nothing he could say about that. He'd never been a good liar - better suited to spotting lies than to telling them - so he'd adopted a policy of communicating in grunts when it seemed unavoidable for him to tell one. So far, and somewhat worryingly, nopony had noticed.

He refused to think about the implications of that.

"Good work." Aegis rasped and turned to survey the landscape, "Correct me if I'm wrong wing-leader Storm Front... but you were one of the first responders to this whole mess, right? In fact, I believe you were the one to rally the pegasi and griffons into weather teams."

The guard hesitated, a grimace overcoming his features, before he nodded, "Yes, sir."

"The city lost 13 buildings... but it could have been a lot worse. Cauldron owes you a debt, as does the Guard, for your exemplary service. I'll be sure to put your name forward for a commendation. Now... I want you to tell me _exactly _what you saw."

o0o

Twilight sat despondently at the edge of the pier. Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack sat around her, trying to comfort their friend as they waited for the last of the smoke to clear.

"Well... if'n ya look at it one way, it could'a been worse, Ah suppose." Applejack's patted Twilight's shoulder, trying her best to prevent her fake smile from faltering.

"Really?" Twilight turned to grace the farmer with a raised eyebrow, "They burnt down a significant portion of the Eastern section of the city. The section that occupies the land of the same country who's diplomat we arrested for conspiracy to commit regicide."

"Well, at least no one was hurt!" Rarity broke in, "Not seriously anyway. Although that one handsome, young pegasus did look somewhat worse for wear. I wonder if he's already got somepony treating his wounds...?" she mused aloud.

Fluttershy gave the fashionista an admonishing look before turning back to Twilight, "Oh, I'm sure Shawn and Pinkie probably had a good reason... I think..."

For her part, Twilight could only sigh again. She wasn't so much concerned about a few empty buildings that probably should have been torn down years ago, anyway. It was that they had _completely _lost track of the destructive duo in the chaos of the disaster. And if the two had ever left any clues as to their next destination, the fire, smoke, and ash had thoroughly concealed them from even thorough inspection.

"I think you might be giving Shawn a bit too much credit." Twilight quipped with a smile she hadn't realized was in her.

"Maybe _you're _not giving him enough. Credit, I mean." Rainbow Dash piped in from her low-hanging cloud. The experienced weather mare had proven herself immensely helpful during the crisis, quickly taking charge of the teams that had been vainly attempting to siphon water from the river into the atmosphere. Not to mention providing much of the wing-power required to lift the water in the first place. Now that the fire had been put out, however, there wasn't much for her to do.

"Besides," Dash continued, "Why don't you just use a locator spell to find them again?"

"Don't you think that's the first thing I tried!" Twilight cried. She reigned herself in... as the unspoken leader, it wouldn't do for her to show her frustration to the group. She had to upkeep morale after all.

Dash rolled onto her stomach, giving her a very confused look, "Wait... I thought _you _were the one who was blocking locator spells from finding them?"

"I _was_..." she replied, "At first. I spent a considerable amount of my magical stamina blocking the lieutenant's own attempts at finding them. Only to later realize the whole effort was moot when I was unable to locate them myself."

Twilight groaned, covering her face with her hooves "This whole expedition is a total disaster!" Her hooves moved to cover her mouth immediately after she'd said it, but it was too late.

_Way to upkeep that morale, Twilight._

Her friends grimaced and glanced at each other, obviously unsure of what to say about this new revelation.

"Wait..." Applejack spoke up, "if _you're _not shieldin' them. Then who is?"

"That's a good question, Applejack." Twilight sighed. She was at a total loss as to what step to take next, "I'm a little scared of the answer... and without clues or magic, I'm not sure if there's even anything we can do other than start over from scratch."

"Ah! Hello there, Miss Sparkle!" A jaunty voice rang out from behind the group, and every mare turned toward its source.

General Rex bounded toward them with a speed belied by his mass, perhaps a remnant of his days as an actual guard. According to captain Aegis, the diamond dog had been quite the fearsome soldier back in his hayday. Several smaller dogs carrying clip-boards and chattering back and forth with each other followed on his heels.

"General Rex." she exclaimed, genuinely surprised, "Why are you... I mean, to what do we owe the pleasure?"

The diamond dog grinned, bearing his full array of sharp teeth in a saccharine smile, "The pleasure is all mine, I assure you."

Twilight blinked and looked back at her friends in confusion. As far as she knew, they hadn't parted with the general on the best of terms.

"And nothing of great importance, really." Rex continued, "Merely the small matter of compensation for the... 13, yes? 13 public warehouses the city lost to the fire caused by _your _fugitive."

"What!" Dash exclaimed from her cloud as Twilight's head whipped back around to face the still smiling dog.

The rest of her friends followed suit, vocalizing various expressions of shock, disbelief, and outrage.

"We just spent half the night saving your butts and you wanna charge us!" Dash continued, incensed, "If it hadn't been for us being there, you would've lost a lot more than 13 _empty _warehouses!"

"Be that as it may," Rex replied, never losing his composure, "the warehouses were lost because _your_ guards let those fugitives escape into _my _city. And while we all greatly appreciate your valiant efforts to prevent the fire from spreading, the fact remains that this was obviously a diversionary tactic on their part. Which they wouldn't have pulled if you hadn't been chasing them. Or if you'd caught them. Or if you'd never lost them in the first place."

Twilight's mouth moved, but she couldn't find the words to respond. The dog was right. More right than even he knew or suspected. More right than he could ever know if they had any hope of maintaining friendly relations with the city. Shawn was her responsibility... it was high time she started owning that.

_What would the princess do? _she asked herself.

"Listen here, you-!"

"Dash!" Twilight interrupted her friend before she said something they'd all regret, "He's right. This whole mess is _our _responsibility. It would be patently unfair to shift the costs of our mistakes unto the taxpayers of a city that never should have been involved in the first place."

General Rex's smile faltered, and he regarded her with an inscrutable expression. Perhaps it was respect.

One could only hope.

"Thank you, Miss Sparkle." Rex continued, regaining his smile once more, "You will find the totality of the expenses required to rebuild the warehouses in this report."

He handed her a stacked pyramid of scrolls that one of the assistant dogs had been carrying, "Please be sure that your princess receives them as soon as possible. Perhaps we will use some of the funds to build a small monument in honor of the bravery and generosity of the Equestrian representatives who put out the fire."

Twilight only nodded and enveloped the scrolls in a field of her magic. She'd have to get the lieutenant to transfer them to Royal Guard HQ, classified for the princesses' eyes only. She was really starting to regret never having learned that Dragonfire spell, always having had Spike there to do it for her with the added benefit of not needing any prep or magical focus.

_The one time in my life I'm not on top of something... _she thought wryly.

A deep breath and one last sigh later, she stood.

"You okay, suga'cube?"

"Yeah, AJ." she responded, feeling suddenly invigorated, "Let's get these sent out and get moving. We have to find and catch up with Shawn and Pinkie in case they need our help."

"That _is _what friends are for, after all." Rarity finished for her, and the rest smiled with her.

o0o

Shawn squinted in the light of the noonday sun. He fidgeted, trying to get comfortable in a seat that was clearly not designed for anything like him, while at the same time preventing the constant wind from blowing the paltry remains of his meal into his face. The four of them had chosen to take breakfast outside, the cabin being far too small to accommodate the curious crowd of creatures that populated lady-cappy's vessel.

As it turned out, Soft Speech bore no grudge towards him for the fire that struck the city. Apparently, minotaurs were nomadic, and rarely complained when circumstances forced them to pack up and move on. Or, in some cases, just move on.

"If it did burn down, this might be a good time for Soft Speech to finally start looking for an assistant chef position at a respectable restaurant." she had told him.

Shawn let the quiet moment stretch for a bit, enjoying the feeling of being full and well rested. Even Pinkie simply leaned back and patted her belly, which was currently distended by the consumption of most of Wavedancer's surprisingly large store of magically preserved waffles.

"So," Soft Speech was the first to break the silence, "Soft Speech thinks it's high time you told her why you came back. More information? Soft Speech's sparkling personality, maybe?" she joked.

"Little bit of one, whole lot of the other." Shawn quipped back, then waited for her rumbling chuckles to die down so he could continue, "We hit a little bit of a wall, honestly."

"Did you?"

"Yup. We got cappy, here, to introduce us to Patrius, who we convinced to hook us up with The Shadow. So long as we did something for him, first."

Shawn leaned forward, chin on his hands, gauging her reaction. She didn't give away much. Perhaps because her features or facial expressions were subtly different from what he was used to in dealing with humans and ponies. Though, likely as not, she simply had a good poker face. He'd yet to run into any professional information dealers that didn't. At least, none that had stuck around for very long.

He did spot the lightest vestiges of what could be interpreted by some as disgust, however. A light crinkling of the eyes. A mildly furrowed brow. The deeper, steadier breathing of one actively suppressing a strong emotional response.

"Which really wasn't what you were expecting, was it?" Shawn continued, leaning back and relaxing as best he could on a wide, sturdy seat built for diamond dogs and minotaurs.

Soft Speech smiled, either forcing levity or genuinely amused, "Soft Speech has to admit... you've lost her on that one."

"No, not really." he replied, and leaned forward again, right hand flying to his forehead and eyes locked on hers, "You see, you _knew_ that lady-cappy is basically the one smuggler left in the city that doesn't deal with The Shadow. In fact, you were _sure _she'd end up being a dead end."

The minotaur became very still, except for a barely perceptible widening of the eyes. Shawn grinned.

"You didn't want us getting involved, because you had something else going on. Something you didn't want anyone to find out about. Something having to do with Patrius's daughter, who hates The Shadow and what it's done to the city even more than you do. Something that might end up getting you... _disappeared_."

_She tapped her fingers on the edge of the table, rattling loose screws against old wood, "Normally, Soft Speech wouldn't even bother with the likes of you. But Surprise reminds Soft Speech of a dear friend she used to have in the good 'ol days of __**civilized **__skulduggery..._

Soft Speech's hands curled into fists, the muscles of her arms tensing visibly.

"She was last seen in _your _bar, Softy, before she dropped from the grid completely. Now, I'm guessing you have no idea where she actually is. In fact, I bet you're afraid someone got to her, which is why you were so quick to ditch your bar and jump on the boat of the one person you thought you could be sure wouldn't be working for The Shadow. Because you might be next."

"Stop..." The minotaur gritted her teeth.

"You can't stop da funk!" he yelled and stood, "And this is where we hit a wall. We need to find her to get in with The Shadow, and we need you to help us do it."

Soft Speech stood from her chair, glaring and talking in a low, dangerous tone, "If you think Soft Speech will give Gilda up to that monster, you've got another thing comin'. Two things, in fact." She motioned to her horns as she took up an aggressive stance.

_So that's her name. Gilda._

Wavedancer, who'd been nervously observing the whole encounter, jumped from her own chair, horn glowing, "Try it, and ye'll find out why this ship be called the _Rough _Seas, monster."

"_WHOA_!" Shawn shouted, waving his arms, "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa."

The sea-mare and the minotaur stared at him, their tension temporarily disarmed by utter confusion.

"Whoa..." Shawn finished, glancing back and forth between the two, "Okay, first of all, if you two start fighting here we're all just going to end up drowned."

"Soft Speech is a strong swimmer."

"Not if ye got an anchor tied 'round yer neck ye aren't."

"Wou- STOP! Just... STOP!" Shawn sighed and gripped the bridge of his nose between his fingers, "Cappy, Softy probably still thinks we're trying to work for The Shadow. Softy, we're not really trying to work for The Shadow."

Wavedancer visibly relaxed, rolling her eyes and plopping herself back onto her seat, "Then ye should'a started with tha', ye daft bugger."

"If if's and but's were candy and nuts, hindsight would be 20/20." Shawn replied, indignant.

"Wha-... I-... ye-... tha' doesn'-...!" Wavedancer sighed, rubbing her temple with a hoof, "Forget it... Jes'... forget it."

Shawn turned to face Soft Speech again, who was still standing, though with far more curiosity than anger in her posture, "Look, all that stuff I said before about being a smuggler? I was lying. I do that a lot."

"He does!" Pinkie piped in from her seat, still too bloated to move.

He shot her a look, "... Thanks. Anyway, we're not really trying to join up with The Shadow. We're trying to figure out where it's hiding, so our employer can bring their considerable resources to bear and... drive away the competition. But if I ran around telling everyone that, The Shadow'd probably catch on pretty quick."

Soft Speech seemed to consider this for a while, her body relaxing as she slowly took her seat on the chair again, "You already seem to know so much, what do you need Soft Speech for?" She crossed her arms.

"He be a genuine, Zebra-trained _psychic_, ye know." Wavedancer chirped.

The statement got her an incredulous look from the minotaur, but Soft Speech eventually simply shook her head and shrugged in response.

"Look," Shawn started, "You were working with Gilda on some sort of rebellion, right? And you _specialize_ in dealing secrets in a city where everyone's hiding some. You _have _to know something that can help me get on her trail. If I can find her, Patrius will lead us straight to The Shadow. And as soon as we do, your problems'll disappear faster than a free Doubledown at a KFC. Whaaaat?" He stuck a fist out to Wavedancer, who stared at it in consternation. After a moment, he coughed and put it down, shoving his hands into his pockets.

_Man... I_ really _miss Gus._

Soft Speech continued staring at him for a while, clearly trying to make up her mind about him. He stayed quiet and let her do it, knowing that anything he said right now could potentially kill the lead he'd accidentally set a city on fire to get a hold of.

"Alright." she finally spoke, "Soft Speech will help. Now that Gilda's in hiding, you're probably the best chance she's got to get rid of that monster once and for all, little lamb."

"Yes!" Shawn pumped his fist, "I knew we could count on you!"

"One condition." she interrupted.

"Name it."

Soft Speech paused to lean forward, resting her forearms on the table and making the whole wooden structure groan, "Soft Speech is coming with you. She owes Gilda at least that much."

Shawn considered it. On the one hand, it'd be harder to stay under the radar with yet another fugitive tagging along. On the other, it'd be nice to finally have some muscle in his corner. He still hadn't forgotten how easily Blind Rage had handled Dashie, and Soft Speech was even bigger, "Fine."

She smiled, as she leaned back, "Great! What do you need to know?"

The first question was obvious, "What did she tell you the last time you saw her? The last time anyone saw her, really..."

"Hmm..." Soft Speech tapped at her chin with a finger, "She was in a big rush. Scared, though she'd never admit it. That girl had some serious self-esteem issues. Anyway, she told Soft Speech that someone was unto her... had figured out what she was trying to do. Told Soft Speech to lay low for a while and to not try to contact or find her and flew off. Probably to some secret hiding place."

"What do you think happened?"

"Soft Speech suspects that she got burned by one of her father's employees. The Shadow has a tendency to plant spies it's got some sort of hold over in the ranks of the creatures working for it."

"What? They set her on fire?"

"... no. It means someone figured out what she was doing and sold her out to The Shadow or one of his minions."

"Oh... right. That makes a lot more sense." Shawn stopped to think for a moment. Patrius would probably have heard something if The Shadow had gotten a hold of his daughter. Judging by its actions, that thing was not the type of creature to let possible blackmail go to waste. It had proven that with its manipulation of the ambassador.

"She was trying to start a rebellion... but you can't lead an organization without a headquarters. Know where hers were?"

Soft Speech nodded, "She ran the whole thing out of the North shore mansion of one of her griffon friends. Soft Speech isn't sure how involved that friend was... she gets the feeling Gilda was simply using him for the basement. That mansion used to be a fortress, and Soft Speech heard it's connected to an extensive series of hidden tunnels."

"Perfect for a rebel on the go." Shawn muttered, "Alright, that's a start. Take us to the North shore, cappy."

Wavedancer, who'd so far merely observed from her seat at the table, jumped from her chair again, "Aye aye, Shawnee."

The boat had just lurched forward when Pinkie suddenly chirped, "Oh wait! _Gilda_! I know her!"

o0o

Princess Celestia practically trotted down the halls of her palace. It was a pace considered unbecoming of royalty, but that was only because those who considered it so hadn't been alive back when she did more than just hold court.

Many a monster had found that she could move surprisingly fast when she really wanted to.

She slowed to a dignified walk as she approached the doorway to the lounge behind the throne room. Apparently, an urgent, sealed message had arrived. Her student's first report to her since Celestia had reluctantly sent Twilight and her friends on an excursion to the most unstable city in the hemisphere.

A quick burst of magic and the doors flew open to reveal one very nervous, young guard. She racked her memory for his name, but found that she just couldn't summon up the concentration to divine it, "I heard you have a message for me, my little pony."

"Ah... yes, your grace."

She could tell he was a little shocked by the briskness of her entrance and manner. Still, needs must when Tartarus trembles.

"Please." Celestia smiled, "Princess will do just fine."

"Oh! Of course, your-... uhh... princess...ness." he recovered lamely and passed her the scroll, eyes cast down in shame.

Celestia sighed. It had become difficult to get her subjects to even address her by the simple title of 'princess'. The last time she'd tried to get one to call her Celestia, the poor dear had fainted from mortification. Still... the key to winning a war was perseverance. Whether it was against monsters or ideas.

"Thank you." Smiling softly, she reached out with a wing and carefully raised his chin to meet his eyes, "You did well, guardspony. You may take your leave."

His eyes lit up and he nodded vigorously, "Yes, princess! Thank you, princess!"

She watched him bow and back out of the room, shutting the door to give her privacy. His hoofsteps had not even faded by the time she had the seal open, reading the detailed report. She relaxed.

Most of it was an account of Twilight's arrival, as well as a short-hand transcript of the conversations captain Aegis Fidelis had held with general Rex of the Cauldron city guard. Those proved to be particularly interesting, hinting at a past friendship that even she had not been aware of.

_Nothing too out of the ordinary here. Looks like Shawn and Pinkamena arrived safely and are..._

Then she got to the encounter. Her eyes widened as they scanned the dispassionate account of the pursuit, and the ensuing-

"Fire! Oh dear..."

She flinched at Rainbow Dash's account of Shawn's chosen method of escape, then sighed in dismay at the final damage tally. She'd have to dig into her personal coffers for this one... her subjects should not have to pay for damages caused by her agent.

The thought of Shawn's actions, which were essentially on her behalf, summoned a spark of genuine irritation. Again, an emotion no pony or creature had managed to elicit from her in several centuries. In a perverse way, it was kind of refreshing.

Celestia chuckled wryly to herself. Even in the process of annoying her, he still managed to raise her spirits.

After she finished reading, Celestia carefully rolled the scroll back up and turned to leave the room. Her sister would need to be notified of these new developments. They'd both need to put certain plans into motion faster than they'd originally thought.

o0o

Shawn found himself standing at the back entrance of a rather confusing building.

It was designed in such a way as to give the impression that someone who'd been trying to build a castle, had changed their minds halfway through and finished it as a charming villa. He'd be impressed by the dichotomy if he had any real idea of what castles or villas were really supposed to look like. Or what dichotomy meant.

Still, what he did know, was that it looked _weird_. Stone crenelations clashed with white-washed, low walls. An ominous central fortress was surrounded by wooden out-buildings painted in soft, earthy tones. And the whole thing was surrounded by a strange mixture of overgrown forest interspersed with random flower gardens.

The back entrance was a little iron gate with a pull-string, probably connected to a bell in the servant's quarters or something. Soft Speech reached out and pulled it several times in a pattern, then repeated the process. Wavedancer stood at the back, keeping a lookout for them.

"That's a nifty jingle, why does it sound familiar?" Pinkie piped in from her seat on the ground. Fortunately, she'd heeded Wavedancer's advice against flying (especially upside down) after such a big meal. Shawn really didn't want to see how that scenario would play out.

"I still can't believe you didn't recognize the _only _griffon you'd ever met before coming here." Shawn grumbled.

Pinkie shrugged, "She looks a _lot_ different than the last time I saw her. I _never _forget a face! Or a birthday! Unless it changes a lot. But birthdays don't really change, so I guess I really never forget a birthday!"

The door opened before Shawn could think of a response... not that he was certain there was anything he could have said to that.

"Hey, Glida! Where've you bee-... oh..." The scruffy griffon that emerged was male, and not quite full grown by the look of it. Or he was and all the griffons Shawn had met so far had been big for their species.

"Hello, Gunther." Soft Speech responded, tilting her head in his direction, "Can we come in?"

"Sure..." Gunther squeaked, his voice broken by the distinct crackle of a boy recently gone through puberty, "hey... uhh... you wouldn't happen to have seen Gilda around, would ya?"

"We're looking for her, in fact." Shawn stepped around Soft Speech's massive frame, extending his hand and meeting the griffon's eyes, "Shawn Skywalker, at your service. And the pegasus over there is my partner, Ewan Kenobi. We're the newest addition to your crack team of rebel fighters."

Gunther winced away from the eye contact, immediately hunching his shoulders in what might have been an attempt to make himself look smaller. Still, to his credit, he reached out and touched Shawn's fist with his own claws.

"Oh... nice to meet you, I guess. Too bad you haven't seen 'er. It's kinda boring when she's not around. You guys her friends from... you know...?"

Soft Speech sighed and rolled her eyes, "Yes, they are with Soft Speech, Gunther. Can you take us to the basement? We need to take care of something for Gilda."

"Yeah, sure. Uhh... one second." Gunther ducked his head back through the gate and peered around, "Okay, coast is clear. Follow me."

Shawn called Wavedancer over, and the group made their way into the fortress-cum-villa. Rough carpeting covered the presumably wooden floors of the first few rooms, before they found themselves shoving aside a heavy bookcase and heading down a set of stone steps built into the wall behind it. They wound downwards for a while, long enough that he briefly lost track of time.

He was impressed at Soft Speech's apparent lack of claustrophobia... her shoulders almost scraped the walls on either side, and she had to keep her head low to prevent her horns from actually scraping the ceiling.

Eventually, they emerged into a large room. Tall enough for Soft Speech to stand comfortably, and packed full shelves lined with all kind of tools and even some weapons and armor. A curious looking contraption Shawn recognized as a printing press from his time at the museum sat in a corner, its back to the wall.

"Here it is... Headquarters or whatever. I'll... uhhh... be upstairs. You guys let me know if you need anything."

Wavedancer eyed the kid as he clambered back up the stairs, "That Gilda's got 'im wrapped in 'er claws." she commented.

Soft Speech shrugged, "She's always been willing to do whatever it took to get what she wanted. In this case, what she wants is to get rid of The Shadow."

Pinkie, apparently already feeling better from the walk, began to flit around the room, literally picking up and playing with anything that wasn't nailed down or a weapon. Even she knew better than to fiddle around with a spear.

Shawn let her go at it for now. It's not like there was anything particularly breakable from what he could see. In fact, there didn't seem to be much of anything interesting at all.

"Getting anything, Mr. psychic?" Soft Speech quipped from her spot in the middle of the room.

He grunted and stepped forward to examine that printing press. There was something... off about it. If he could just...

"Heh." Shawn chuckled with a grin as his hands rose to his temples, "As a matter of fact, I _am _getting something!"

Pinkie dropped a helmet and flew over to him along with Wavedancer, who actually looked a little excited. He was starting to suspect that she had a thing for the occult. Although... in this dimension maybe it might be more appropriate to say 'the unusually magical'. On impulse, he decided to indulge her a little.

Soft Speech walked over with both eyebrows raised.

"Oh!" he exclaimed, slamming his eyes shut and sticking his left hand out dramatically, "The spirits of the earth! They speak to me!"

Shawn spun in place a few times, before getting down on his knees and putting his ear to the ground, "What's that ground? Something about a dress?"

"Oh, come on..." Soft Speech muttered, crossing her arms.

"No... no..." Shawn squinted and stood back up, "Their voices are too quiet. I need a focus!"

"Oooo! Me! Me! Pick me!" Pinkie hopped up and down waving her hoof.

Shawn stepped forward and put a hand on her head, then quickly drew it back, "Sorry, Surprise... way too much going on up there. The spirits can't reach me past all those waffles you ate."

"Awwww..." she drooped.

As expected, Wavedancer stepped forward, an excited twinkle in her eye, "I'll be yer focus."

Reverently, he placed a hand on her mane, then pretended to stiffen, and turned back to the press, "Wow! Okay, that was loud! I feel silly now, though... they were saying 'printing press', not 'dress'."

The sea-mare had a mile-wide smile going as she stepped forward to inspect the machine with him, "Whadda ye think they be meanin' by that?"

"Hmmm..." Shawn tapped his chin with a finger, "Soft Speech, would you be so kind as to push on the left side of this thing for me?"

The minotaur sighed and shook her head, but did as he asked. This made the evident surprise on her face all the sweeter when the printing press slid smoothly along the floor, uncovering the darkened entrance to a large tunnel.

Pinkie floated up near his ear while Softy and Wavedancer inspected the entrance in wonder, "So... how'd you really know?" she whispered.

Rather than say anything, Shawn stuck a foot out and tapped on the floor next to the machine. Darkened lines scuffed the floor where the heavy printing press scraped along, marking its path of movement.

The pegasus's mouth formed into an 'O' of revelation. She grinned happily, clapping him in the back with a congratulatory hoof and flying into the entrance, "It's dark!" she exclaimed, "I wonder where it goes?"

"One way to find out." Shawn stepped forward past Softy and Wavedancer, the first of whom shot him a newly respectful glance.

"Sorry Soft Speech doubted you, little lamb. You have a rare talent." she admitted.

"Told ye." Wavedancer muttered just loudly enough to be heard, then trotted to the front of the group and lit her horn with a magical glow.

They walked for a while, the sea-mare leading the way, Shawn and Pinkie close behind, and Soft speech bringing up the rear. As large as the tunnel was, there was no room for anything bigger than a cat to walk next to the minotaur. In spite of Soft Speech's earlier assertions of a 'network' of tunnels, they ran into nothing resembling a corner or turn-off. Merely a long, straight, featureless pathway beneath what Shawn assumed were the streets of the North shore.

Eventually, they reached a set of rough-cut stairs heading upwards at a low angle, a pinpoint of light ahead indicating the end of their underground journey. Shawn emerged, blinking, into what appeared to be another forest. Or perhaps the same one they'd seen before. Apparently, they'd emerged from the ivy-covered side of a stone bridge spanning a wide ditch.

Whatever the case, this was not what Shawn had been expecting. He wondered if Gilda had even come this way at all...

A heavy, gruff voice suddenly drew his eyes to the side, "Hey, look! More of 'em!"

Diamond dogs. Half a dozen of them, in city-guard armor and carrying spears, emerged from the nearby tree cover. Wavedancer grunted in surprise, turning her glowing horn to face the encroaching squad of hunting dogs.

"I knew waitin' around a couple days would net us a few more!" The same dog who'd spoken before stepped forward. He looked sort of like a beagle, and wore a distinctly smug grin as he strutted forward, spear at his side, "Alright you bunch 'a idjits. Give up now and we won't have ta hurt ya... much."

Shawn stared back at him, eyebrows furrowed. There was no way his group could outrun them... but maybe if they let themselves get captured they could-

A spear interrupted his train of thought as it whizzed within inches of his right cheek, flying past him and into the darkness of the tunnel. Belatedly, Shawn yelped and crouched, his hands up in the air, "Jesus! Okay, we give up! Just don't throw anything else at me!"

The dogs, however, weren't listening. Their eyes were trained on something behind him, trailing up and up as something cast a long shadow over his crouching form.

Shawn looked up to see Soft Speech yank the tip of the spear, spattered with a little blood, from her shoulder and scowl at it disdainfully. Her arm flexed, and the thick, wooden haft cracked, then shattered in her grip.

"You've made Soft Speech angry." she stated tonelessly as she dropped the remains of the spear from her hand, "You won't like Soft Speech when she's angry."

Her hooves shook the ground as she stomped forward, and then there was only howling.


	16. Dirty Deeds Done on a Budget

A light breeze whistled through the trees, bringing with it the scents of Summer, the nearby market, and the latrine one of Spotter's köpek underlings hadn't had the forethought to dig downwind.

_'S what I get for makin' a squad outta bunch 'a Yeniçeri drop outs._

Not that Spotter had ever been a part of the United Tribe Lands' infamous shock troops himself. Heck, he'd been born and raised in Cauldron proper, never even having seen the capital city of his racial homeland. It was just annoying to know that his boss had access to a squad of the more elite forces, yet never used them as anything other than personal guards.

_As if anyone'd ever have the balls ta try anythin' 'gainst the ugly piç._

Spotter made extra careful to keep that particular thought in his head. His boss was not the kind of dog that took any sort of criticism well... much less outright insults. As the direct underdog to general Rex, executor Grizzly was in charge of the branch of the city guard that supposedly investigated and arrested other guards for wrongdoing. Which, of course, actually meant that he was in charge of any köpek, pony, griffon, or 'other' that wanted to take any extra... jobs... from the shadier citizens of Cauldron. All for a nominal cut of the payout, of course.

It was a running joke among the non-commissioned officers like Spotter that, while Rex was technically the alpha of the guard, Grizzly was the only one of the two top-dogs that lived up to his name.

A fly buzzed by his ear, and Spotter twitched, trying in vain to keep still and quiet while wearing a full suit of chainmail armor.

"This not good hunting ground, boss." Bayer grunted from behind Spotter, the guarddog's accent mangled the Equestrian words tumbling from his muzzle. The language of Cauldron was the language of business and, currently, the ponies owned most of the big ones. Hence, Grizzly wanted all of them to bone up on their Equestrian.

"Shut up." Spotter growled back, glad for his own fluency.

The NCO figured the griffon girl must have some sort of pack... or flock, he supposed. He couldn't think of any other way a single pup could cause such a huge ruckus that someone'd put up that big a reward for her capture. Whoever wanted her was offering enough bits to catch even executor Grizzly's attention, and so here Spotter was.

At the very least, he figured if the girl was worth so much, some of her buddies might be worth a few extra bits, too. Bits he could sorely use now that his brothers weren't around anymore to help feed their own pack.

A noise broke the sullen silence, and Spotter's ears perked up. Sure enough, their waiting had paid off, with the ivy beneath the bridge parting to reveal a unicorn, a... monkey... thing, and a pegasus.

_Two mares and a bald monkey. Easy pickins'. _He cracked a sharp-toothed smile at the thought.

He motioned to the rest of the guarddogs and stepped out from cover, keeping his confident smile and casually waving his spear at his soon-to-be prisoners, "I knew waitin' around a couple days would net us a few more!"

Though Spotter often complained about their lax training, the other köpek at least knew enough to keep their spears cocked and aimed at the unicorn, the only one that might prove troublesome to the six of them should she happen to be trained. It was unlikely, though... Equestrians liked to keep the more magically talented of their number in their academies.

"Alright ya bunch 'a idjits. Give up now and we won't have ta hurt ya... much." he continued.

The ponies and the monkey had turned, clearly startled, and simply stared in apparent disbelief as he delivered his threat. Spotter was pleasantly surprised at their reaction. He'd expected the pegasus to try to bolt, at least, which would have been a problem since he'd sent his only guardgriffon along with two of his köpek to escort the last prisoner they nabbed to the fortress.

_Still, better let'em know I mean business._

With a well-practiced motion, Spotter hefted his spear and let fly, grinning even more widely as the furless monkey belatedly ducked and yelped, immediately giving up. His amused chuckle, however, was interrupted when he heard a dull thud, rather than the expected clatter, after the spear disappeared into the darkness of the tunnel.

"That's funny..." he muttered, then blanched as a hulking, ten span tall minotaur cow stepped into the light, clutching a slightly bloodied spear in a massive fist.

This was bad. With a capital BAD.

While the males of that species were known more for their posturing than actual violent tendencies, diamond dogs had a saying for whenever someone made a mistake that ended in severe bodily injury. Translated roughly, it went: "Well... at least you didn't piss off a cow."

She muttered something he didn't quite catch past his deep regret over having so callously discarded his weapon, then charged, her pounding hoofsteps shaking the earth beneath his paws.

All too soon, his world became a panicked blur of pain and violence.

o0o

Shawn had once seen a train wreck.

Not in person, mind. He'd been between cases, while Lassie had been on a hot-streak, and listlessly wasting time looking through YouTube. Somehow, he'd ended up watching a live video of a rather large freight train derailing into a wooded area, captured by some sort of extreme train enthusiast. Trees had been plowed over like matchsticks, the earth had been churned into a new landscape, and thousands of tons of steel, coal, and wooden crates had been bent, smashed, and shattered in a nearly biblical act of unnatural violence.

Surveying the aftermath of Softy's rampage, he wondered if this is what that cameraman had felt like. What had occurred could not truly be described as a fight... it had been a rocket powered, iron bowling ball fired from a bazooka slamming into 6 pins made of match sticks, then coming back around and slamming into their sublimated remains again for good measure.

Diamond dogs lay in unconscious, crumpled heaps of dented armor and broken spears, one of them actually hanging from a tree where the enraged minotaur had shoved his head _through _the trunk. Another one was jammed into the nearby stone bridge in a fashion very reminiscent of Dash's encounter with Blind Rage.

_I wonder if that move is part of some sort of popular minotaur karate class, or something..._

The errant thought was immediately followed by, _Oooo... I should _totally _take that class!_

A panting Soft Speech had assured the onlookers, whose reactions ranged from mildly disturbed to utterly horrified, that all of the dogs were alive and lacking any permanent injuries. One of the dogs, the beagle-looking one that had first spoken, was even still conscious, as evidenced by the occasional wheezing groan he emitted.

Shawn spared a glance towards Pinkie Pie, who had retreated into the tunnel and plugged her ears moments after Softy had charged. The mare was resilient, and he had no doubt that she'd recover quickly enough. Now that he thought about it, Shawn himself might need to visit a therapist at a later date. Just to be safe.

"By the stars..." Wavedancer finally let out the breath she'd been holding. Like him, she'd watched the scene unfold in mortified fascination.

"Didn't you totally try to pick a fight with her?" Shawn whispered, more glad than ever that he'd intervened.

The sea-mare blanched, wide-eyed, and took a few short steps back toward the tunnel, "I'll... ah... be checkin' on Surprise, if ye need me. Poor lass's pro'bly traumatized."

"Wait... why do you get to check on the chipper little pegasus while I have to check on the violent rage-monster?"

"'Cause ye invited 'er on this trip. An' I don' got the best relationship wit'er, if ye recall."

"Maaaan..." Shawn whined, watching her walk back toward the tunnel, then shook his head and gathered his resolve.

The last thing he wanted to do right now was actually approach the obviously distressed berserker, but they needed to keep moving. There was a better than even chance those dogs had been posted there by someone, who'd eventually wonder at the sudden lack of reports or check-ins. Slowly, ever so carefully, he picked his way across the mud-churned grass toward the still-tense minotaur.

Once he got closer, it became obvious that, though victorious, Soft speech hadn't escaped the encounter entirely unscathed. Several bright red lines criss-crossed her previously unmarked brown fur, one of her eyes looked swollen, and her knees trembled slightly. Whether they did out of adrenaline or exhaustion, Shawn couldn't say.

"Hey... uhhh... you okay there, Softy?" he shuffled forward nervously, noting the distant look in her eyes as she stared out through the trees at something only she could see.

Softy glanced back at him, the act of turning her head slow and shaky, under careful control, "I-... Soft Speech is fine."

Shawn stopped and raised his eyebrows, "_I_?" he repeated, letting his curiosity get the better of him.

The minotaur flinched and sighed, sitting on the ground with her arms wrapped around her legs, chin on her knees before explaining, "Soft Speech forgot herself for a bit..." she smiled, though her voice shook with the admission, as if there was a deeper meaning to the revelation than the obvious.

"Is that supposed to mean something? Because I'm kinda new here, in case you didn't notice." Shawn leaned against a nearby tree, watching her carefully for sudden movements.

Softy looked at him askance, then chuckled, "Soft Speech is constantly amazed both at how much and how little you seem to know, little lamb."

"Actually," he replied, "I know everything. I just can't keep it all in my head at the same time or it'd explode 'like an overripe tomato'."

She laughed again, a little less shakily this time, and put her chin back on her knees, "Minotaurs... we're not like other creatures. Our minds are a little special." she started, then paused, thinking, "When we get angry or afraid enough, we can... we call it 'forgetting yourself'."

Shawn grimaced, already getting a pretty good idea of where this was going.

"Soft Speech felt like she was trapped in her own body. It was... hard... to keep herself from hurting the dogs too much. Like trying to pull a speeding wagon to a stop. The more she loses herself, the harder it is to stop. Eventually, all that's left is a big, angry _monster_." she spat the last word.

"Whoa, hey now... _monster's _a bit harsh, don't you think?"

Softy shook her head and continued, her voice giving credence to her name, "It's a one-way trip. It happens to all of us, eventually. A minotaur can really only hope to stay herself until her death-bed, when she's too old and decrepit to hurt anyone. It's why so many of us say our names as much as we can... Soft Speech's mother used to tell her it helps us remember."

Shawn simply stood there, unsure of what to say. He'd never been good at these kinds of situations. Worse, it was something he couldn't possibly hope to relate to. Bad puns rarely went over well with someone that was faced with the hard truth of an inevitable descent from sentience. He racked his brain for something caring and thoughtful to sa-

"Well... that works for me. I'm terrible with names."

_Screw you, brain._

Softy turned to look at him, wide-eyed, and Shawn braced himself for whatever outraged retort she had in mind. Which is why her uproarious, knee-slapping laughter caught him entirely by surprise.

"Soft Speech never thought of it that way, but you're right... no one _has _ever forgotten her name. Heck, maybe some will still remember even after she doesn't." She leaned over, as tall as him even while sitting down, and wrapped him in a friendly, one-armed hug.

Shawn tried to return it as best he could, awkwardly patting her back before she let him go. He noticed she looked far more at ease than a few moments ago, and came to a two-fold conclusion. One: he truly no idea what the hell he was doing when it came to women's feelings. And two: he needed to find The Shadow as soon as possible. Otherwise, Soft Speech would never get any peace and eventually end up... 'not herself'. He found the possibility unbearably sad, for some reason.

"Come on." He put on a jovial tone, as dwelling on depressing topics had never sat right with him, "Let's see if we can teach an old dog a new trick..."

o0o

"... do... 'e'll talk?"

"if... he doesn't want... others..."

Spotter floated in a dream-like haze, the occasional sound or smell rising up from the aether to torment his overly sensitive organs. The first thing he realized was that he was confused. Obviously, he'd fallen asleep, but he couldn't remember the exact circumstances under which his possibly impromptu nap had occurred.

"... think 'e's... up..."

Darkness receded, along with most of the confusion, as his memories came flooding back to him. He and his hunting pack had surrounded the ponies and the monkey, then he'd thrown a spear at the monkey's head. The memory would have brought another chuckle out of him if the mere thought of the act hadn't made his ribs ache. Then...

_Oh... right._

With effort driven by panic, Spotter managed to open his eyes, noting his sitting position against a tree near the tunnel, bound to the trunk by the very rope he'd been planning on using on his current captors. If he had been familiar with the concept of irony, he would have been struck by the sheer amount of it inherent in his situation.

"Hey buddy! You're awake!" The clothed monkey spoke, far too loudly and cheerily, from nearby and rushed over to kneel next to him.

Spotter's ears involuntarily plastered themselves against his skull, trying to shield them from the unwanted noise.

"You feelin' better? How many fingers am I holding up?" It asked, waving a stubby appendage in front of his muzzle.

He growled and leaned forward against his restraints, snapping at the clawless fingers. The creature yelped, pulling them out of reach at the last moment. Spotter's growl turned into a chuckle at seeing the thing fall awkwardly on its ass.

"Not cool, dude." It waved its fingers in his direction again in a motion that felt vaguely chastising, "I'm gonna take that as a yes, though."

Spotter growled again as the creature got to its feet and dusted off.

"Name's Shawn Spencer. You've probably heard of me..." It paused, looking almost hopeful, then shrugged and continued when Spotter remained silent, "Well, you will. See, I'm a bit of an investigator... and a daredevil... and a karate master. I admit, those last two aren't really relevant. _Awesome_, but not relevant. The first one, though: when people lose things, they get in touch with me, and I find the things they lost. For a nominal fee, of course."

The monkey crouched in front of him, that stupid smile still on its face, "Someone with a lot of money to spend wants a particular griffon chick found, and I intend to find her and collect the reward."

Various ideas as to who this thing could be working for crossed Spotter's mind. Chances were, it was after the same reward his boss wanted. Another thought suddenly crossed his mind: if this thing _wasn't _one of the griffon's pals, then he'd just gotten himself and his pack beaten and captured for _nothing_. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, though that might just as easily have been from the pounding his head had taken when the minotaur brought her fist down on it.

"Now, besides you, I know there were a few other guards around when you captured the griffon."

The monkey's words brought Spotter out of his speculation in a panic. He struggled against the ropes, but found them to be tight and expertly tied.

_What tha-! Did I say that out loud!_

"No, you didn't tell me that." the monkey reassured him.

Spotter calmed himself, paused, thought about what had just happened, and began to hyperventilate.

"See... the reason I'm so good at what I do is because I happen to be psychic." the monkey... it had called itself a 'Shawn', whatever that was... continued, "So I already know you captured her a while back and sent her off somewhere. Problem is, you woke up before I could find out where."

It only took a few moments for the implications of that to sink in. Now, Spotter liked to think of himself as an astute dog. Not book-smart, maybe, like those fancy diplomats or shamans, but cunning enough to make due in a city that tended to swallow up the less savvy of its citizens. And cunning enough to realize that there had to be a reason the Shawn was talking to him instead of just invading his mind for the information.

_But why's he tellin' me-_

"See, right about now you're asking yourself: 'why's he telling me all this? Why doesn't he just suck," the Shawn stopped and made a wet slurping sound, "all the info he needs right outta my brain'?"

Spotter stared in silent wonder at the strange creature, trying to silence his mind and coming to the realization that actively trying _not _to think about something is the surest way to think about it constantly.

"Well, that's where we come to our little problem. See, that kinda thing takes a long time, and I can only do it under certain circumstances, one of them being that you're asleep when I do."

Once again, Spotter let himself relax a little. At least the creature wouldn't be digging around in his head for the moment.

"So... I'm faced with two options. One:" the Shawn paused to let the unicorn mare from before step around the tree and hand him a piece of paper, which he immediately spread out on the ground in front of Spotter, "You show me on this here map exactly where they're taking her."

Bearing his teeth, Spotter growled, "If ya think I'll turn on my boss, then yer even more stupid than ya look, _monkey_."

If there was one virtue that köpek valued more than any other, it was loyalty. Even a scrounger like him knew better than to turn on his pack or his alpha.

The Shawn only shrugged in response and continued, unfazed, "Or two: I have my little friend put you back to sleep so I can keep trying."

Spotter looked back over at the unicorn, who only smiled and shook her head. Suddenly, a rhythmic clacking echoed from the dark recesses of the tunnel in the side of the bridge. It was the sound of wood casually striking stone.

"You hear that?" the Shawn chirped, raising his eyebrows and jerking a thumb toward the ivy that covered the entrance. That little smile never once left his face as he spoke.

"Yeah. So what?" the dog felt himself starting to panic again as his situation became increasingly desperate.

"That's my friend Softy. You might know her better as the minotaur that just recently redecorated the landscape with your face. Remember?"

The clacking continued, slowly getting louder and louder as an accompanying thump of heavy footsteps became audible beneath it.

"I remember..." Spotter grimaced. In all honesty, he'd probably never forget that mass of charging muscle and anger.

_Thump_. Pause. _CLACK_.

"Well, you might not know this, but she likes to carry this big stick..." The Shawn held his arms up, as if trying to illustrate the stick's size, "which she uses to put critters to bed... usually by whacking them over the head once or twice. Now, seeing as we don't really have the time to wait for you to fall asleep naturally, I find myself faced with a bit of a conundrum. If you don't put your claw on this map soon, I'm gonna have to call her over."

_Thump_. Pause. _CLACK_.

"And she's going to have to put you back to sleep so I can try my psychic juju a second time."

_Thump_. Pause. _CLACK_.

"And until I get what I need from you, she's probably gonna have to do it again,"

_Thump_. Pause. _CLACK_.

"And again,"

_Thump_. Pause. _CLACK_.

"And again."

_Thump_. Pause...

The noises stopped just short of the entrance, the echo of that final hoof-step hanging in the air like an executioner's sword.

"The problem is... there's a small chance she'll rattle your brains a little too hard, and you won't even remember how to talk, much less what you did the last couple of days or where you sent the griffon." The Shawn shrugged.

At this point, Spotter let out an involuntary whine. On the one paw, he didn't want to betray his boss.

"I'd be pissin' meself if I were ye..." the unicorn whispered from next to him, "that lass's none too happy 'bout that hole ye poked in'er."

On the other, he never really liked that greedy, old _salak_, and he _really _didn't want to face the monster about to come out of that tunnel. Never again, if he could help it.

"So, I'm willing to make you an offer," the Shawn spoke up before Spotter could summon any words, "You tell us all about where you sent that little griffon girl off to, and I'll give you and your boys a cut of what she's worth in advance. Then, you all go away and pretend you never found anything. Deal?"

Spotter narrowed his eyes at the monkey, thoughts running through his head faster than ever before. After a moment's careful consideration, his brain asserted its executive powers and told his integrity (already a sickly thing) to go stick it where the sun don't shine... he wasn't paid _nearly _enough for this. Although... something about this whole situation was bothering hi-

_CLACK_.

"Deal!" he barked.

o0o

Shawn tossed the dog a rather hefty bag of coins, the last of the stipend they'd received from Celestia to cover potential costs. He probably could've gotten away with giving them a lot less, but he still felt kind of bad for the beating and probable psychological damage they'd suffered at his group's hands. Hooves. Whatever.

The rest of his group stood warily behind him, having been untied and briefed on the deal their leader had cut for them.

"Now, remember," Shawn pointed to his forehead, "I'll _know_if one of you talks." Then he pointed to Wavedancer, "And she can find any of you at any time. So, if any of you guys break our little bargain, expect a visit from my little friend here."

Every last one of the dogs winced, glancing fearfully at the implacable Soft Speech standing behind him, arms crossed. She grunted, and the dogs turned tail and ran off, some falling to all fours in their haste.

"He was such a good doggie... and I'd only just taught him how to 'speak'..." Shawn sighed wistfully as he watched the guards run off.

Wavedancer and Softy turned to glance at each other incredulously.

"Yeah..." Pinkie sighed from above him, apparently having completely forgotten all about her earlier trauma, "He wasn't as well trained as the ones Rarity had following her around for a while, though. Well, they didn't follow her so much as kidnap her, but then she _totally _had them eating out of her hoof! At least until Spike..."

The rest of the story faded into background chatter, and Shawn made a mental note to remind Pinkie that she shouldn't tell too many stories of her adventures with her friends where others could hear. Mildly concerned for her fake identity, Shawn forcibly tuned back into the monologue.

"... and that's when I finally realized: _how can an alligator play the tuba without thumbs_! So, _then _I had to find a whole bunch of worcester sauce..."

_Ooookay, sounds innocent enough... I think..._

He needn't have worried, his other two companions looked as glassy eyed as he probably had the first few times Pinkie had done this.

"Right." Shawn broke them out of the trance with a clap of his hands, "Now we know where they're keeping Gilda. And, as an added bonus, we know the layout and a back way into the building they're taking her to. All we gotta do is bust that bird out of her cage and we'll have our ticket to The Shadow's lair."

"I be hatin' to be the downer 'ere... but the buildin' they be takin' 'er to is executor Grizzly's 'eadquarters." Wavedancer cut in.

"Who's Grizzly again?" Shawn questioned, "Is he a talking bear? And if he is, is the he cute, tiny kind with stomach pictures or the large, claw-y kind with a bad temper?"

"What? Bears don't have cutie marks, silly." Pinkie interrupted her own monologue to float down by Shawn's head.

"First of all, I said 'stomach picture', not 'cutie mark', and second of all, you didn't answer my question... are we talking cute and cuddly bear, or mean and murder-y bear?"

"Neither!" Wavedancer shouted, her dreadlocks whipping about as stomped in frustration with her front hooves, "Grizzly's a diamond dog, an' general Rex's second-in-command. 'e's a right mean bugger that does all the dity-work for 'is boss. Actually, some even think 'e does most o' th'dirty-work for 'imself."

"So... not cute and cuddly?"

Wavedancer and Soft Speech both shook their heads.

"Damn it." Shawn sighed and scratched at his increasingly scruffy chin, thinking. At this rate, he was going to have a really epic beard by the time he got to go home, "Okay, guys. I need a minute to confer with my mystic channel and see if we can enlist some spiritual cavalry for this one. It has to be in private, though, or you'll throw off my groove."

Both Cauldronites cocked their heads curiously but complied, the sea-mare looking slightly regretful as they trudged deeper into the woods to give him and Pinkie space.

"Okay, we've got a problem." he started as soon as the two were out of earshot.

"I'll say!" Pinkie piped in, "I haven't had any sugar in almost four hours! At this rate, my stomach'll implode and create a rift in space-time that'll send us all careening into an alternate reality where we're all guys!"

"Okay, that's a little scary, mostly because I can't always tell when you're being serious." Shawn took back control of the conversation before Pinkie further derailed it, "We're going to need backup for this one, and I'm pretty sure we've lost your friends."

"No, that can't be right. Twilight was tracking us, and she's the most bestest, powerful-est, and esty-est unicorn in all of Equestria!"

"Then why didn't they show up when that dog nearly took my head off with that spear!"

Pinkie paused, thinking, "Maybe they didn't think it was gonna hit you?"

"No way. Twilight's not the type to take a chance like that and you know it." Shawn waited for her to nod and continued, "Someone or something's blocking us from getting found, and it's not Twilight anymore. Which leaves only one other person I can think of that's got the means and motivation to do it."

"Twilight's evil twin?"

"Th-... wait... she has an evil twin?"

"I dunno. Maybe? It sounded right."

Shawn sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose, "The Shadow." he finished.

"But why would The Shadow want to stop others from finding us? And why does it even know we're around?"

"Well," Shawn grimaced, "seeing as we're not dead or captured yet, I'm guessing it caught wind of the story I've been telling everyone of wanting to work for it. And considering what those goons told us, I'm also guessing either The Shadow or one of its captains is Grizzly's mystery buyer. They're the only ones that would have a reason to want Gilda behind bars so much that they'd offer a small fortune for her."

"Hmmmm..." Pinkie floated, holding a hoof to her chin and wearing an expression that was obviously meant to portray deep thought, "So we're about to head into the guard-infested lair of a major villain, where an even _more_major villain may or may not be trying to buy the griffon we're trying to rescue, while possibly helping us at the same time for reasons we can't currently fathom, all without any back-up or plan?"

"Yup. And you know what I just realized?"

"What?"

"I think that totally qualifies us as superheroes."

"But... you don't have any powers!"

"Neither did Batman!"

"Who's Batman?"

Shawn paused, "I'll let it go this one time, but _only _because you're from a dimension where he doesn't exist."

"Does that mean superheroes exist in your world for real!" she squealed excitedly.

"In our hearts, Pinkie..." he patted his chest, "they exist in our hearts. Now let's go beat up some supervillains. Firstbump."

"Awesome!" Pinkie chirped, smiling widely as she touched her hoof to his hand.

o0o

"So, _not _awesome." Shawn muttered as he and the rest of his group crouched just within the tree-line, watching the passing patrol of guards walk their route around yet another fortress on the North Shore.

There seemed to be no end to the patrols. Diamond dogs and earth-ponies stood guard on the ground, while griffons and pegasi flew lazy circles in the sky. The moment Shawn or any of the members of his party stepped out of cover, they'd all get caught. Forget trying to get to the back entrance the diamond dog had described... getting within a hundred feet of the place would be a miracle in and of itself.

_Damn dog didn't tell me there'd be so many guards._

"So... any ideas, little lamb?" Soft Speech whispered from a few feet back. She couldn't get as close as him, her frame making her far too obvious while hiding behind a bush.

"We could fight our way through..."

There was a pause while Pinkie and Wavedancer, one to each side of him, directed incredulous looks his way.

"Yeah, okay... maybe we couldn't." Shawn admitted, grudgingly, and tried to think, "Maybe Surprise could lead them off?"

Wavedancer shook her head, "From what I 'eard, these guards're well-trained. Some filly makin' a racket'll only pull one or two o' them away. It'd have to be somethin' truly fightenin' or dangerous to get 'em all to move."

Which, Shawn reflected, they had. But he wasn't about to put Soft Speech in a situation like that again if he could help it.

_Hmmm... what would Batman do? _he asked himself.

The thought sparked an epiphany, and a scenario began to develop in his mind. Then he had to discard it in its entirety when he realized that he had neither smoke-bombs, nor a grappling hook, nor mad ninja skills.

_Let's see. What_do_I have on me?_

He checked his pockets, removing the contents and placing them on the ground in front of him one by one. Keys, lint, iphone, more lint, that pebble he'd thrown at Celestia, an uneaten starburst-

_How long's that been in there!_

It was a wonder the candy hadn't melted in his pocket. Or that he'd somehow managed to transfer it from his jeans-pocket to his current one without noticing. A light breeze played over his hand, and was followed by the sounds of chewing. Pinkie had managed to swipe it and shove it in her mouth, wrapper and all, while he'd been lost in thought.

"Mmmmm! Juicy!"

"Hey!" Shawn exclaimed, quietly, "I was saving that for later!"

Pinkie swallowed and narrowed her eyes at him, "You said you didn't have any more snacks, but you were holding out on us the whole time!" she accused.

"Ugh." he sighed, "I suppose I should be glad you haven't eaten my... phone..."

The idea struck him like a bolt of lightning. He might lose the precious electronic gadget in the process, but if he played his cards just right, they might create a distraction just big enough to get them into the building unnoticed. He shoved everything but the iphone back into his pockets and smiled.

"Alright, gang, I know just how to get us in there, but we'll need to do some pre-prep-... pre-parap-..."

"Pre-preparing?" Pinkie chirped.

"Yes. Let's go."

Shawn and the two mares awkwardly shuffled backward away from the bush they'd been using as cover.

o0o

Twilight put down the telescpoe, shoving it back into her saddlebag with less ceremony than she usually reserved for the treasured trinket.

"There are city-guards crawling all over that place. Are you sure this is it?" the captain sharing a hill with her asked.

"Yeah, I'm sure." Twilight responded.

Her horn glowed with magical energies, gently tugging at her head in the direction of the impressive fortress on the North shore. The griffons really loved their fortresses, she'd come to realize.

_They've certainly built enough of them._

"I hope you're right about that minotaur following Shawn." Aegis continued. He didn't give her the impression that he was questioning her logic. More like he was trying to review it from multiple perspectives. Captain Aegis, she reflected, was a surprisingly thorough pony considering his quick temper and gruff manner.

Twilight paused, remembering the conversation she'd shared with her friends after their encounter with general Rex. To be fair, it had actually been Rainbow Dash who had noticed the absence of the minotaur Aegis had been questioning. The pegasus had always had an affinity for other species, and had probably wanted to talk to... Soft Speech. That had been her name. Soft Speech.

After they'd resolved to find out more about her, a few chats with some of the regular patrons and several bits spent on drinks had yielded the same result for her, Applejack, and Rarity... Shawn and Pinkie had spent some alone-time with Soft Speech the very day Twilight and her friends had arrived.

They'd come to the conclusion, together, that there was a decent chance the minotaur knew where Shawn and Pinkie had gone. After that, it had only been a matter of Twilight casting the right locator spell and following its trail. Twilight had been very proud of her friends and their deduction, and had immediately brought it up with Aegis when the locator spell worked on her first attempt.

"Shawn'd be proud." Twilight muttered and smiled.

Applejack chuckled beside her, "Really? Ah get the feelin' he'd be jealous, what with you stealin' his thunder an' all."

Twilight thought that over for a second and her smile became a wry grin, "Let's say both, then."

The two of them laughed while Aegis rolled his eyes.

"So, what do you suppose Mr. Spencer is even doing in there? If he _is _there..." Rarity spoke up from behind them, where she'd been keeping Fluttershy company.

"I have no idea," Twilight admitted casually. In the past, she would have had to drag those words out of herself. However, one either got used to saying that around the human, or went insane. And she was pretty sure she wasn't insane. Yet.

"So, what's our plan, Miss Sparkle?" Aegis cut in, "I'm not sure we have enough guards to take this place by force. Nor do I think the princess would approve such an action."

"Well... if there's one thing we know for sure about Shawn, is that things don't stay quiet for very long when he's around." Twilight rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof and blew a stray strand of mane away from her eyes, "So, I guess we wait. And if something happens, we charge in."

"Assumin' this place don't explode, too..." Applejack grumbled.

"Aw, come on, guys." Rainbow Dash chuckled from her perch on a nearby tree, "He's only done that twice so far."

"He's only been to _three _places, Dash!" AJ challenged, and received only a shrug from Rainbow in response.

The farmer huffed and took a seat on the grass.

"I'll have the lieutenant get the rest of the guards into position in case we need to move in." Aegis grunted and walked off.

For her part, Twilight resisted the urge to keep scanning the grounds with the telescope. She knew there was something important going on in that place for it to have so many guards. It was entirely possible that Shawn had even found The Shadow... although she thought it was unlikely. He wouldn't try to take the monster on by himself if that were the case.

_Right...?_

With a nervous groan, she settled down to wait.

o0o

A cream-colored, red maned pony in a snazzy suit shuffled nervously down the stone hallway, accompanied by two large, armored diamond dogs. He really wished they'd at least given him some of the pony guards he'd seen patrolling the grounds outside. However, the lieutenant out front had, with apparent delight, assigned him the two gruffest, most terrifying examples of the species as 'escorts'.

He sighed mournfully, keeping his eyes ahead and his mind on the prize.

The guarddogs led him to a large door reinforced with iron, which opened into a large office almost resembling a throne room in its opulence. The small throne sitting behind the desk lent credence to the theories he'd heard that Grizzly had ambitions that went beyond mere second-in-command.

The pony's hooves thudded softly on the lush, red carpeting that covered the floors, and there was such a wide assortment of paintings, draperies, and tapestries that he almost didn't notice the diamond dogs standing silent watch by the walls. Unlike his two escorts, each of these dogs was completely enfolded, except for the paws, in blood-red robes beneath a steel cuirass, greaves, and vambraces. They carried huge, curved swords strapped to their backs rather than spears, and wore hoods and veils that exposed only their eyes.

All in all, they were rather intimidating. Though not as much as the massive, muscular, wolf-like diamond dog leaning casually on an iron cage containing a rather scrawny-looking griffon hen. Gilda glared balefully at him, obviously recognizing her dad's assistant, and the red-maned pony got the distinct impression she wanted to tear him a new-

"Smartypony!" Grizzly shouted in greeting, "Been a long time since you dropped by!"

He sighed, "I've told you a dozen times, my name is-"

"I'll call you whatever I want." Grizzly snarled, suddenly serious, "Now, I'm guessin' you ain't workin' for Patrius anymore. He definitely doesn't have the bits to pay what you said."

"Half right." the smartypony responded, "But that's irrelevant. What is relevant is that I've got a banker's note on me worth all the bits you were promised, so long as I'm still around when you try to cash it. Now, are you ready to talk business?"

Executor Grizzly grinned toothily, "Now that's what I like to hear. Step on up to my desk."

Another sigh, and the earth pony shuffled forward past a pair of torches rising from the floor. For a moment, his shadow flickered, and seemed to laugh.


	17. Eternal Sunshine of the Clouded Mind

Storm Front crawled through the underbrush, carefully picking his way across the forest towards the heavily guarded compound. Most of the rest of the scout team he'd been put in charge of followed, each of them moving slowly, using the other noises of the forest as cover and carefully avoiding obvious noisemakers like patches of dry leaves or sticks.

As a pegasus, he was fairly light-hoofed. Still, he'd decided to put two of the earth pony guards up front, their innate connection to nature making them far better at finding the most efficient and silent path through the trees. Their heavier armor also helped make them a little more... arrow-proof.

Though captain Aegis Fidelis had personally tasked him with this mission, that was nothing more than conservative thinking on the Captain's part as far as Storm Front was concerned. The skill of the guards under him, the non-confrontational directive, and the lack of enemy awareness made it a relatively safe endeavour when all was said and done. As a bonus, it provided him with a rare opportunity to prove himself under more standard circumstances, with a greater than normal chance of things going according to plan. For once.

The easy smile under his helmet turned into a confused frown when one of the earth ponies up front - a mare by the name of Cocoa Butter - crouched and raised both ears, then flapped the right one forward once... the signals to stop the group and for him to move forward, respectively. Her partner, a stallion, immediately moved to the side and found cover, keeping a careful eye in the direction of the actual compound.

_This can't be good... _he thought, despite his best efforts to stay optimistic.

Storm Front sighed and complied, stepping in close beside the mare to see what she wanted.

"Sir... do you see that?" she didn't whisper. Every guard learned early on that sibilance is easier to hear than a low, quiet tone of voice.

He followed her gaze, spotting the source of her concern immediately. There was some sort of strange, rectangular object sitting on the ground, propped up against a fallen tree. The object itself - green and rubbery on one side, sleek and shiny on the other - would have been enough cause for alarm without the distinct, glowing aura of a spell surrounding it.

Thinking quickly, Storm Front signaled for one of the unicorns from the very rear of the group and waited for her to arrive.

"Corporal Emerald, what can you tell me about that object?"

Emerald stopped and looked through the trees, forced to squint to make it out from this distance. After a moment, her horn was suffused with a light, green glow, followed by her eyes themselves.

"Well, sir... I can't speak for the object itself, but the magic on it is a simple sound amplification spell. If I had to guess, it's much like the ones sailors use to boost the sound from their horns or whistles to signal other ships."

"An alarm?" Storm Front muttered.

Emerald shook her head in response, "Unlikely. The fact that it's glowing means that whoever put that spell on it didn't bother to conceal the matrix. So, even from here, I can tell that it doesn't have any sort of trigger."

"A trap, then?"

"Maybe..." she shrugged.

Storm Front grunted, coming to a decision, "Alright corporal, let's take a closer look. If the lieutenant needs to bring her forces through here, I don't want to leave any potentially nasty surprises in their path. Private Cocoa, you're with us."

The three of them approached carefully, letting Emerald lead the way with her glowing eyes on the lookout for concealed magics. As they got closer, Storm Front could see that the shiny side of the object was displaying some sort of moving image... a set of strange glyphs that would change at regular intervals. About every second, in fact.

"Corporal... are you absolutely certain there are no other magics on this thing?" he admonished her.

The unicorn grimaced, halting, and intensified the magic in her eyes that let her spot other spells, "Sorry sir... there must be, but they're expertly concealed. Better than I've ever seen before."

Even as they spoke, the glyphs continued to change. The one that changed the most often was first on the right, with a second glyph that changed less often to its left, followed by a vertical pair of dots and two circles.

"No helping it, then." Storm Front sighed, "Mark this down and include it in the next report to the captain. We can't risk messing around with it, but I don't want it catching anypony else by surprise, either."

Emerald nodded and levitated a quill, a map, and some parchment from her saddle-bags, noting their position and including a brief description and sketch of the item in question.

"Hey, that second glyph just changed to a circle, too. I wonder what that means?" Cocoa piped in from where she sat, staring at the screen.

"What? Let me see that..."

He leaned over to take a look, watching suspiciously as the first digit on the right kept changing, then became a circle as well. There was a brief moment of silent expectation, followed by a vibration coming from the object itself, then...

_"Ahhhhh! Mina, nigero! Gojira!"_

**_ROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAR_**

The noise echoed through the woods, shaking the very leaves from the nearest trees with sheer volume as the sounds of a massive, rampaging beast stomping through a terrified populace blasted forth from the object. Though Storm Front did not recognize the language being spoken, nor knew how the sounds were being produced, he'd heard that particular set of sounds during his career enough times to recognize what situation they portrayed.

Thumps, explosions, roars, and screams continued to come forth from the object, rivaling the noise levels of an actual monster attack and forcing him and the two mares with him to flinch backward in pain.

He wanted nothing more than to smash the bucking thing... but it could have a fireball spell attached. It was obviously carrying some very complex magics to do what it was doing, messing it with might prove lethal. A screech from above convinced him that the object was now the least of his problems, as a griffon clad in city-guard armor fired his crossbow bolt at them, missed, and flew off, probably to notify his comrads of their location.

"Wonderful..." Storm Front muttered, seething, as he turned to meet the rest of his scout party. There was too much noise to use verbal commands, so he ear-signaled 'spotted', 'enemy', and 'fall back' to one of his pegasi. She nodded her understanding and flew off, hopefully to warn the lieutenant that she and her forces would be necessary faster than they all had anticipated.

o0o

Shawn, Wavedancer, Pinkie, and Soft Speech crouched among the trees and bushes behind the fortress. It had taken some time for Pinkie to find cover thick enough to hide Soft Speech's massive frame, but it had been worth it. Just as Spotter had said, there was a relatively lightly guarded wooden gateway in the wall. Useful as a service entrance in peace-time, and rigged to collapse into a stone-choked trap while under attack.

A diamond dog and an earth pony stood in front of it, clearly bored and just as clearly trying to ignore each other's presence, despite being comrades in the same guard unit.

"'ow much longer 'till that contraption o' yours, goes off, Shawnee?" Wavedancer whispered.

"Aaaaaany second now." Shawn whispered back.

"This is ridiculous. We don't even know if it'll work like you want." Soft Speech grumbled.

"We don't ever know if _anything _Shawn does is going to work!" Pinkie replied peppily.

Shawn glanced back at his companions and merely smiled in response. At this point, they were all far too committed to back out, so this was just the standard pre-crazy-last-minute-plan jitters. He was used to dealing with those from Gus. Well... ignoring them, anyway.

"So, little lamb, what's your plan once we get inside?"

"We find Gilda, knock out whoever's guarding her, and get out before anyone notices."

Out of the corner of his eye, Shawn saw Wavedancer slap a hoof to her face as Soft Speech sputtered.

"_That's_ your plan!?" Soft Speech whispered fiercely, "That's... what about all the bits on _HOW _to do all of those things!?"

"Admittedly, this plan does require some improvisation..."

"Your _whole plan _is improvisation!"

"Hey!" Shawn exclaimed, bringing a hand up to point at his forehead, "I got this. Trust me."

Soft Speech stared at him incredulously for a full minute before sighing mournfully, "Soft Speech supposes it's too late to do anything else."

"That's the spirit!" Shawn grinned at her, "Besides... what could possibly go wrong?"

He heard a smack, and looked over to see Wavedancer's right hoof had joined the left one in covering her face. She uttered a dismayed groan, which was closely followed by the distant, earsplitting roar of a mutated, giant, green, nuclear-lizard-monster. Both of the guards at the gateway flinched and looked in the direction of the noise. They wavered, staring back and forth between each other and the yells coming from the front of the compound.

They looked so unsure that Shawn wondered if maybe he had overestimated the effectiveness of his distraction. However, his brief moment of self-doubt was broken by the arrival of a griffon, who screeched angrily at both of them and pointed with what appeared to be a large crossbow.

"What are you two idiots doing!? We're under attack! Go help!"

The pony and diamond dog both saluted and ran off, hefting their spears. The griffon scowled after them before growling something to himself and taking off, flying over the wall of the fortress and away from the door.

"Go time!" Shawn whispered excitedly and ran forward, only to be stopped short at the door, "Huh..."

"What's the matter?" Pinkie floated over up over his shoulder, inspecting the offending gateway.

The source of his discontent was clearly visible in the form of a rather large, iron padlock, securing the latch of the wooden door. He briefly considered trying to hit it with his right hand, still enclosed in a supposedly indestructible magic cast, but it looked tough enough to withstand a beating from Softy. The magic on the cast would probably break first, regardless of what Twilight had said.

"Surprisingly enough, I did not see this coming." Shawn muttered and leaned over to inspect it more closely.

"Oooo, a Unilock Mark IV Special!" Pinkie shoved his head down and leaned over him, ogling the lock, "Back in the old days, these were the cream of the crop in burglary prevention! Pre-loaded with all kinds of features like rust-prevention charms and even an anti-unlocking-spell rune! They're expensive, tough as nails, and really, really, _really _hard to break open..." She paused to reach a hoof into her frizzy mane and draw out a bobby pin, "give me three minutes."

Before she could start, however, the strained creak of wood preceded a loud crunch as the door swung open, its hinges dangling loose and the door itself still attached to the frame by the imposing padlock.

"Give Soft Speech three seconds." The minotaur grinned and motioned them inside with her free hand.

Pinkie pouted, "Awwww... party pooper."

For his part, Shawn stood up and dusted off, "Works for me." he stated as he straightened his vest and stepped into the waiting dimness of yet another fortress. Pinkie quickly shrugged and bounced after him.

Wavedancer hesitated, throwing Soft Speech a bemused look followed by a quick nod before following the other two inside. The minotaur smiled back and ducked through, wedging the door back into its frame so that it was only slightly askew.

o0o

"What the hay is happening over there!?" Twilight scowled through her telescope, wishing she could somehow improvise a spell to let her see through the thick tree-cover. The only thing she could see clearly were the flying city-guards, occasionally swooping down to chuck a spear or fire a crossbow bolt at what she assumed was the retreating scout group. An occasional flash of magical light, visible through the leaves, spoke to the unicorn guards' defensive measures.

Aegis, apparently taking her question as non-rhetorical, narrated, "Judging by the sound, I'm guessing our scout group ran into some sort of trap or alarm. SOP here would be to use cover and defensive magic to pull back and draw the enemy into friendly lines. We'll have the details as soon as one of Storm Front's unicorns teleports a report to us... but the colt's a competent wing leader. He's likely prioritized sending out an ambush request to Lieutenant Gladius and is trying to get his team to her line ahead of whatever ground forces might be chasing him."

"Coooooool..." Rainbow Dash whispered from next to Twilight, training her keen eyes on the action and fanning her wings. The pegasus was likely getting as good a view as Twilight had gotten with the telescope, and - knowing her - was probably itching to get down there and help.

Terrifying as the violence was, Twilight had to admit there was a certain element of excitement in watching the action unfold. It felt as if she'd somehow been sucked into one of her Daring Do novels... only it was real ponies facing the possibility of death. Her stomach turned at the thought, but she managed to hold the sickening feeling back. She was at once glad and dismayed that the thought of... _death_... was not nearly as incapacitating as it had once been. She'd be able to do more to help if she was in full control of her faculties.

And, for all her bluster, Twilight had been friends with Dash long enough to tell the pegasus was going through the same thing.

Eventually, one of the earth ponies that had remained behind with their command group rushed past the other watching Elements to the captain.

"Sir! Report just came in from wing leader Storm Front. You'll want to take a look at this..." The armored stallion reached into a saddlebag with his mouth and tossed a scroll to the captain, who caught it in his hooves and unrolled it.

"Huh..." Aegis grunted, then turned to look at the patiently waiting guardspony, "Thank you, private. Have corporal Diamond Dust teleport a confirmation to Lieutenant Gladius. She already knows what to do. Dismissed."

The guardspony saluted and dashed off to fulfill his new orders, while Aegis continued to stare at the scroll in consternation. After a moment, he motioned Twilight over.

"Miss Sparkle, you're probably the most knowledgable pony here. I need your opinion on this."

Twilight hesitated, looking back towards the fighting, which had seemingly expanded as the city-guard ground forces met with Gladius's ambush force. Even from here she could see the flashes of telekinetic blasts and incapacitation spells.

Suddenly, she shook her head and steeled her resolve. Perhaps she couldn't contribute on the actual battlefield - she was wise enough to know to leave that to professionals - but this was something she _could _help with. With a deep breath, she trotted over to the captain and took the scroll in her magical grip.

"Hmmm..." she hummed, "It says here it was enchanted with an unconcealed amplification spell. Of course, that does not preclude the possibility of other magics having been applied. After all, diamond dog shamans are renowned for their skill with matrix concealment techniques. Still, I must admit, captain... I'm confounded. This artifact looks familiar, but for the life of me, I can't recall where from-"

"Hey! That's Shawn's doohickey!"

Both Twilight and Aegis turned to face Rainbow Dash, who was floating silently behind the unicorn and looking over her shoulder at the scroll. The rest of her friends sat in a semi-circle nearby.

"Say again, miss Dash?" The captain scowled.

"I _said_: That's Shawn's doohickey. I saw him use it as a lantern when we snuck into the top floor of the embassy- Aww, shoot! I totally forgot to ask him to show it to me after... you know... what happened..."

Although it seemed impossible, Aegis's scowled deepened at the memory. Twilight, however, was far too busy mentally kicking herself for having forgotten such an important detail.

"She's right, captain." Twilight spoke up, "I remember inspecting it back when we first found Shawn. It didn't have any spells on it back then, though. So either he learned how to use magic since we last saw him or he's got a unicorn working with him."

"Wonderful..." the captain grumbled, "Still, this is good news. It means the monkey's-"

"Hey!" Dash tried to object to the derogatory term, but the captain just kept talking.

"-in there somewhere, which means we didn't potentially just start a war for nothing."

For some reason, Twilight suddenly felt a strong urge to laugh. In spite of the direness of the situation, some part of her was finding it humorous that Shawn had now graduated from blowing up buildings to propagating armed conflicts.

As if reading her mind, Dash piped in, "Well... at least he didn't blow up the fortress this time."

"Give it time." Applejack muttered, loudly enough for all of them to hear.

Twilight shuddered, then gathered herself once again. It was clear what they needed to do.

"Alright, Shawn's obviously in there, and he and Pinkie Pie might need our help. It's plain to see that he was using his... _doohickey_..." Twilight mentally sighed at the term, but she didn't have another word for it at the moment, "as a distraction. Which means he's trying to sneak in there for a reason. Which, in turn, means he probably found something important enough to be worth the effort and danger of breaking into a heavily guarded fortress."

The captain's eyes widened into a look of utter horror, "Please don't say what I think you're about to say..."

"Girls, we're going in after them!"

o0o

"So, what's your brilliant plan now?"

Shawn grimaced, peeking around the corner one more time, hoping that what he'd seen had been a cruel joke on his eyes. Despite his fervent wishes, when he looked around the corner a second time, he was greeted with the same sight as before.

Yet another minotaur sat there, looking bored in front of a large, ornate door at the end of a short stone hallway. The occasional bar of sunlight coming in through the arrow slits built into the wall on the left illuminated his scowl. This one wasn't as big as Soft Speech. Heck, he wasn't even as big as Blind Rage had been. However, he made up for both of those facts by being outfitted in what looked like about a thousand pounds of armor and the largest hammer Shawn had ever seen in his life.

Soft Speech had looked unimpressed at Shawn's description of the minotaur, shortly before making the sarcastic remark that lead to his second peek.

"Well... you could use your seductive charms to keep him busy while the rest of us sneak past..."

Soft Speech shot him an arch look, while Pinkie Pie giggled beside him. Even Wavedancer let out a snort.

"What, you think just because Soft Speech is a bartender, she doesn't remember how to get a bull's attention?

"Of course not. I've lost my spare cash to plenty of flirty bartenders. I think it because you're... you." He made an up and down motion with his uninjured hand.

Softy's eyes narrowed into a scowl and she snorted, "You wanna see flirty? Soft Speech'll show you flirty. Soft Speech will have that bull on his back in less than a minute."

Shawn paused, then replied, "I honestly have nothing to say to that."

Soft Speech snorted again, then sauntered out into the hallway, immediately catching the mintotaur bull's attention.

"Halt! Who goes... whoa..."

She said nothing as she approached, letting the bull stew in his shocked silence, eyes locked on the advancing cow. Shawn, Pinkie, and Wavedancer watched in awed silence as Soft Speech slowly closed the distance.

The nameless bull dropped his hammer, which he'd drawn when he jumped to his hooves, as Soft Speech stepped close and put one hand on his armored chest. He clearly tried to stutter something, but was stymied when Soft Speech brought her other hand up to his face, softly cupping his cheek. Then he emitted the bare beginnings of a startled yelp as she shoved the side of his head into the wall, hard enough to leave a web of cracks in the hardened stone.

"Fwaaah?" the bull slurred from under his dented helmet.

Shawn caught the faint glimmer of a satisfied smile on Soft Speech's face as she casually rammed the unfortunate minotaur's head into the wall again, letting his limp form fall to the floor afterwards.

"Wow..." Pinkie commented with a raised eyebrow, "Softy really needs to work out some anger issues."

"You have no idea..." Shawn muttered as he stepped forward to inspect the door, "Feel better?" he asked.

"A little." Softy admitted.

A quick jiggle of the handle confirmed it was unlocked, and the fact that soldiers hadn't been pouring through it told Shawn that there hadn't been anyone on the other side to hear the distinctive clank of helmet meeting stone. However, he still waited for Pinkie and Wavedancer to catch up before swinging it open.

Shawn motioned the others through, though Wavedancer paused at the doorway to whisper to him conspiratorially.

"Never let me pick a fight with'er again, ye got that, boyo?"

He nodded somberly as he followed the seamare through, "You get to calm her down next time she gets pissed, though."

o0o

Storm Front cut through the skies in a steep dive, feeling the frigid winds of high altitudes blow through his feathers. The griffon behind him had already expended her crossbow bolt, so now she was doing her best to try to catch up to the faster pony, talons outstretched in anticipation.

It was heartening, after that frightful experience with the creepy, white pegasus mare, to enjoy superiority in the air again. Even more so after a brief but stressful period being stuck in an alternating shield bubble maintained by three beleaguered unicorns.

Once he had gotten his team back into the ambush zone, the enemy's advance ground forces hadn't lasted long under the continuous pounding of the lieutenant and her squadron of trained guard unicorns. The earth pony guards had barely seen any hoof to hoof action before the entire pursuing force was downed by either stun spells or telekinetic strikes.

A short debriefing and regrouping later, and Storm Front was back in the air, in his rightful position as wing leader... actually leading a squadron of pegasi to harass the enemy fliers. In spite of being outnumbered, his flying guards had made a strong accounting of themselves, pushing back the city-guard's aerial troops and preventing them from providing any useful intelligence or significant support to the rest of their ground forces.

Storm Front was brought back to the present as he burst through the last, and lowest, of the cloud cover. In fact, he had carefully placed the small cluster of floating liquid droplets just over a particularly thorny set of trees, already having sent an unsuspecting enemy pegasus and two griffons into its painful embrace. He took sharp turn to the left, a hard stop, and a quick look to see the third griffon squawk as she tumbled into the trap.

A look below confirmed what he'd suspected. The element of surprise, combined with better training, was actually allowing the outnumbered Royal Guard forces to push the city-guard back toward their fortress. Already, many of the diamond dogs and enemy earth ponies had fallen back behind its protective enclosure.

Out of the corner of his eye, Storm Front caught a sudden movement on the ground near the walls. It appeared the Elements themselves had taken the field!

He watched as Rainbow Dash flew circles around two attacking griffons before bucking one into the other, knocking them both out of the sky. Storm Front had heard stories of her speed and maneuverability... particularly the now almost legendary Best Young Flier competition, in which she had publicly demonstrated the first sonic-rainboom actually seen by pony eyes in generations. Many speculated the only reason she wasn't already a Wonderbolt was because her station as an Element required her to be near her friends. Also, the way Storm Front saw it, going from Element to Wonderbolt would be somewhat of a demotion, though he would never say it to commander Spitfire's face. Or Rainbow Dash's.

As suddenly as she'd taken to the air, Rainbow Dash dropped down to join the rest of her friends and... the captain!? Storm Front was about to call out to him when the whole group was enveloped by a purple aura and popped out of existence with a burst of sparks.

At that moment, Storm Front was faced with a conundrum. He knew the captain must have something in mind... something he hadn't thought either necessary or safe to share with the rest of the troops. Knowing him, captain Aegis had probably put lieutenant Gladius in charge while he personally took care of some extraordinarily dangerous objective.

At that moment, Storm Front made a resolution. The captain and the elements might need a quick extraction, so he would take his pegasi and control this airspace for as long as it took. He'd see them out of there safely if it was the last thing he did.

o0o

Somehow, Shawn and his hearty group of dungeon crawlers had managed to make their way into a much nicer portion of the fortress, deep within its confines. He wasn't sure whether he should be encouraged or not by the sudden shift in interior design... after all, one would expect a prisoner to be kept in something like a dungeon. Still, the only other guards they'd come across so far had been a pair of diamond dogs who'd fallen into whimpering piles the moment they spotted Soft Speech, and they'd been very sure that Gilda was in one of the meeting rooms further up this very hallway.

Shawn absently rubbed the fabric of one of the many nearby tapestries that decorated the walls between his fingers. It was thick and rough to the touch, fitting the scene that was depicted: A massive, wolf-like diamond dog wielding two axes running rampant through a battle-field and kicking a smaller, shaggier dog into low orbit.

He had quickly begun to suspect that the diamond dog in the images was Grizzly... especially after they'd run across the third such tapestry. Each had a common theme, which revolved around the idea that the executor was not someone you wanted to run into in a dark alley.

"Get any psychic visions yet?" Pinkie chirped from her resting spot on the ironwork chandelier that hung from the ceiling, one of the many that provided light for this section of the building.

"Nada." Shawn responded, shaking his head, "We might have to check every single door."

What the two dogs, who were currently bound and gagged in a random closet, had failed to mention was _which _room Gilda was in. They'd been too much of a burbling mess to get anything more than a general direction out of them, which made sense since he was pretty sure they'd been members of the hunting party Soft Speech had... incapacitated.

"Well, ain't that a kick in yer flank." Wavedancer added, groaning.

No one made mention of their unofficial time limit, though they all knew that Shawn's distraction wouldn't last forever.

_I'm surprised it's lasted even this long. _He admitted to himself.

Pinkie floated down and pointed, "If we're gonna check every door, why don't we start with the big one at the end of the hall?"

Shawn crossed his arms, "Who puts an illegally captured, secret prisoner behind the most obvious door in the nicest part of the castle?"

"Yeah, you're right..." Pinkie agreed, "That'd be almost as silly as putting a dungeon in the top floor of an official government building."

Her words gave him pause, "Huh..." He tilted his head and looked to the doorway again, "Fair point. Can't hurt to check."

Soft Speech and Wavedancer shared a confused look before getting up from their respective resting spots and following after the mysterious duo.

"Man, why can't real life be more like an RPG..." Shawn grumbled aloud as he walked up to the large door and tested the handle. Unlocked again.

"What's an RPG?" Pinkie asked.

"It's a game where the characters go from one perfectly straight hallway to another, fighting enemies until they run into the final... boss... battle." Shawn swung the door open to reveal a large office, occupied by a very familiar wolf-like diamond dog, a somewhat familiar red maned pony, and an unfamiliar, scrawny-looking griffon in a cage. All of them staring at Shawn in wide-eyed amazement.

"Soft Speech!?" Gilda yelped.

"How does this happen every time!?" Shawn shouted to no one in particular.

"Timing!" Pinkie replied as she yanked him to the side and out of the way of their charging minotaur companion.

"Capture 'em." Grizzly snarled in responce and the room burst into motion.

A group of previously unseen diamond dogs wrapped in red cloth and wielding stupidly large swords broke their statue-like stillness. Two of them rushed to intercept Soft Speech, who was making a beeline for Grizzly and the cage.

She turned to meet the two assailants, one of whom fell back behind the other before his partner up-front leapt at the minotaur. Soft Speech casually reached out and slapped the leaper aside before he could draw his sword, but suddenly found the other's blade pressed against her throat in one low, fluid motion. She froze in place, glaring at the offending dog.

It was over in moments, with Shawn, Wavedancer, and Pinkie all standing stock still and gulping at the swords at their own throats. Swords held by the other four of the half dozen dogs Shawn had somehow missed at first glance.

"Well, well, well..." Grizzly stepped forward from around his desk, a vicious smirk on his face, "Looks like your friends came to bust you out, birdy."

Gilda hissed at him, grabbing the bars of her cage in her talons and glaring like only a griffon could.

"Not sure how they got past my dogs, or how they got all those guard ponies outside to fight for 'em, but they ain't all that bright if they thought they were gonna bust in here and catch me with my tail between my legs." He let out a series of huffs Shawn took to be laughter.

_Wait..._ Shawn thought, _What?_

"You said this wouldn't affect our business, Grizzly!" the red-maned pony exclaimed indignantly, "Now they-"

"Shut yer trap, smartypony!" Grizzly snarled, "The deal's still on. This fortress was built to stop a siege from an Imperial Legion cold. That little group 'o ponies outside ain't makin' past the front gates."

Shawn turned to look at Pinkie, who shot him a look of concern. It sounded like the captain had followed them and was now attacking the fortress. This had all gone south way faster than he could have imagined, but if they could manage to stay alive for the next few minutes, he was sure Twilight would figure out a way to get them out.

Grizzly sighed, "I don't got time for this. Tie up the minotaur, she might be worth somethin' to somebody. Kill the rest, startin' with the ugly one."

_Well... crap._

"Leave Wavedancer out of this!" Shawn shouted.

"Oi!"

He ignored the seamare and continued, "She's worth plenty of bits to someone! We all are!"

Grizzly held out a paw, and Shawn noticed a sword pause just above his own neck.

"Who and how much?" The dog asked, impatience clearly battling with greed.

"Wait... _I'm_ the ugly one!? How could you think _I'm_the ugly one!? I'll have you know I used to be a model!"

"Oooo, really!?" Pinkie asked, "That means I have two friends now who used to be models! That's so coo-!"

"Shut up!" Grizzly yelled, "Just shut up before I decide whatever bits I'll get outta yer sorry hides ain't worth the pain in my tail!"

"Now," the dog continued, enunciating each word, "Who. And. How. Much?"

Shawn gulped as he felt the edge of the sword settle on the back of his neck again, "I'm a psychic. Someone hired me to find that griffon, and I'm sure they'd pay top bits to get us and her back alive and in one piece."

Grizzly scratched his chin for a moment, "Psychic, eh? Probably worth a bit or two to someone or other, at least. How much is your client willin' to pay?"

"Hey!" the red-maned pony shouted, "I thought we had a deal!"

"Only 'cause you had the best offer. Business is business, smartypony." Grizzly replied gruffly before turning back to regard Shawn, "Now... how much they payin'?"

"Uhhh... one million?"

The dog's eyes widened, "Ya got any proof? Who's yer client?"

"Uhhh... not... on me. And I can't say..."

_Well, that didn't last long._

Grizzly emitted an frustrated grunt, "Waste o' time. Kill 'em."

The edge of the blade left Shawn's neck, and he winced, anticipating the coming blow... only to have a brilliant flash of violet leak past his eyelids. He heard a thump and opened his eyes to the last thing he expected to see: captain Aegis Fidelis, standing over the sprawled body of a diamond dog in red cloth, and between Shawn and Grizzly.

"Nopony's killing the monkey!" Aegis growled, head down and wings spread in an aggressive posture.

"Yay, cappy!" Shawn shouted in glee.

"At least, not until I get to kick him once or twice!" the guardstallion finished.

"Boo, cappy!"

"Pinkie! Shawn!"

The eponymous detective looked up to find the rest of Pinkie's friends standing in the center of the room next to Soft Speech, who was staring at them in surprise. In fact, that would probably describe the expression on every visible face there: amazed surprise. Except for Pinkie's... she had a mile-wide smile plastered to hers.

"Yay!" the ex-earth pony exclaimed, "I knew you guys would get here just in time!"

"That's it, I've had it!" Grizzly raged, "Yeniçeris! Kill 'em all!"

The dogs leapt into action. Or, at least, they would have, had they not all been instantly surrounded by glowing purple auras, holding them still.

"Ungh! No you don't!" Twilight grunted, her face the very image of strained effort. It was an impressive display of magic, made more so by her glowing, white eyes, and horn shining so brightly it was shooting sparks. Pinkie immediately flew to the ponies, all of whom wrapped her in a big group hug. Except for Twilight, who could only spare a brief smile for her hyperactive friend.

"I... I c-can't hold them all like this for long..." Twilight gasped past gritted teeth. She was starting to sweat, each breath coming more labored than the last.

Suddenly, there was a sound akin to shattering glass, and Shawn saw Grizzly dive forward as the glow holding him fell apart. Quicker than thought, the executor scooped up the fallen Yeniçeri's sword and swung it down at the cap'n, who had been caught flat-hoofed as he turned to glare at the only alien in a room full of mythical creatures.

"Cappy!"

Time slowed down for Shawn, and he dove forward out of reflex. He felt the cold metal of the capn's gilded armor as he landed across the stallion's back, arms over his head in a futile gesture of self-protection. This time, there was no magical flash of light, and he felt the enormous impact of the sword coming down on his right arm, which was protecting his neck.

A horrific **thunk! **reverberated across the room, and Shawn closed his eyes, waiting for the light that would carry him off to the pearly gates.

"Ah... horseapples." the capn's gruff voice echoed in the silence.

_Wait, the cap'n's here? Damn it, I'm in hell! I knew I shouldn't have stolen Gus's Batman poster! Way to tip the scales, dumbass!_

Shawn felt himself get flung to the floor and opened his eyes just in time to see a very bewildered executor Grizzly fly across the room and crash into a heavy desk, splitting the wooden construct in two with his skull. The dog twitched and emitted a short groan before lying still.

"Shawn!" Pinkie exclaimed and flew forward, the rest of her friends right behind her.

"I'm alive?" he muttered, and tried to grab his head with his right hand. He found it was weighed down by something exceptionally heavy, however, and a quick look down revealed an incredibly unlikely picture: a giant, curved sword, stuck into the cast parallel with his arm. The cast itself was sputtering purple sparks, which died away slowly.

Shawn barely had a moment to contemplate the monumental amount of good luck he'd just been on the receiving end of before he was inundated in a sea of hugs from an overexcited Dash and a regularly-excited Pinkie. After some laughter, and repeated objections about his lack of ability to breathe, the two helped Shawn get to his feet and remove the sword. Rarity and Fluttershy observed the whole process from nearby, smiling widely enough to make Pinkie proud.

A quick look around the room revealed Soft Speech was in the process of delivering a quick jab to the chin of the last conscious Yeniçeri. The purple aura around the dog faded as he dropped, and Twilight let out a relieved sigh as she trotted over to the group.

"Are you okay, Shawn?" she was smiling, too, though much more tiredly than her companions.

"Yeah..." he responded, still too shocked to think of something appropriately witty.

He looked over to see the cap'n, standing stiffly a few feet away and scowling fiercely at him.

"Thanks... Shawn..." Aegis choked out the words, "You saved my life."

"Meh," Shawn replied, finally letting a smile creep into his own features, "I guess we're even, then. You saved mine first."

A cough caught his attention, and they all turned to face a seamare and minotaur, both of whom were looking at him quizzically.

"Methinks you be owin' us an explanation, Shawnee." Wavedancer stated, amusement tinging her voice.

"That's an understatement." Soft Speech added.

"I think he owes us all explanations." Twilight glanced at him, smiling wryly.

Maybe it was the shock of nearly dying twice in quick succession. Maybe it was the surprise of being rescued by someone he had been sure hated his guts. Or maybe it was the sheer ridiculousness of the whole situation catching up with him. Whatever the case, Shawn started to laugh. So hard, in fact, that he was having trouble breathing.

_Wait... that's not from laughing..._

"Forgetting somepony?"

The whole shocked group looked up to see the anonymous red-maned pony, floating in mid-air and looking scared out of his wits. A closer look revealed his shadow was actually sticking up from the floor and holding him there by the scruff of his neck. In fact, all of their shadows were currently gripping them, holding each of them still even as the stallion's own shade darkened.

The unnatural apparition flowed over the unfortunate earth pony, who didn't even have time to scream before he was enveloped in writhing darkness. Slowly, the umbral mass took shape, forming into the features of a tall, dark alicorn with a flowing mane composed of inky blackness. Something about it was off... and he realized that the alicorn herself was a blurry, grey-scale painting in a world full of color. Slit, snake-like eyes glowered at them all as she stepped forward and unfurled her impressive wings.

"Nightmare Moon!" Twilight cried in dismay, while the rest of the group stared in shock, "But... we destroyed you! I saw you disappear!"

"Oh, dear Twilight..." the false alicorn continued walking forward, radiating smug nonchalance, "It's simply The Nightmare, now. That other name was only fitting for us when were hosted by your dear night princess."

Shawn slumped in his shadow's hold as a massive headache flooded his already tired brain. He'd felt the beginnings of a flashback, but it was stifled by the throbbing.

"And you didn't _destroy _us, you uneducated foal." she continued in a silky, smooth voice, "You merely banished us... to another place. Another world, much like this one, where we spent a decade stewing in the minds of creatures just like your little pet human, here." The Nightmare turned to face Shawn, who was slowly starting to regain his concentration.

A spot on his leg was starting to hurt... had he injured it during the fight? At least this new pain helped get his mind off the one in his head.

"You... you were the one that messed up that machine! I got dragged here because of you!" he grunted.

"Oh, my! Is that a memory, or a deduction, little human?" she asked with a smirk.

The pain in his head re-doubled, so that even the growing discomfort in his leg could not distract him from it.

"We must thank you for the creative new name we used while in hiding." she continued, ignoring his yelp, "Although, we far prefer the real one."

"What are you planning to do with us!?" Dash snarled out, struggling vainly to break free of her shadow's iron grip.

"You'd like us to reveal our plan?" The Nightmare asked, snickering, "Oh, that was the old Nightmare. We learned much from the criminals and 'movies' of the human's world... and the first rule of villainy there is not to let oneself get dragged into a monologue." She paused, enveloping a nearby sword with a shadowy tendril and lifting it to face them, "The second rule, of course, is to kill your enemies the moment they're helpless."

From beyond his panic, Shawn smelled smoke, and he looked down to see that his pants were burning! The cloth on his right leg hissed, and the red pebble he'd been keeping there tumbled to the ground. His possessed shadow wavered and returned to normal at the pebble's touch. And, in a sudden moment of understanding, Shawn took the opportunity to kick it across the ground at The Nightmare.

The shadow creature looked down as the pebble came to rest between her two front hooves, surprise registering on her face for a mere instant before it exploded into a white hot fireball. She screeched and fell back, fanning her wings at the fire even as her figure temporarily deformed... whether from the heat or the light, Shawn couldn't say.

Within the rising conflagration, a shape took form, radiating a soft light even as the rampant fires faded back into the pebble from whence they came. And there on blackened stone among the floating ashes of incinerated carpeting, stood princess Celestia, clad in shining, golden armor. Her eyes shone with a fierce white light, her mane and tail were blazing pyres, and her voice carried the heat and passion of the sun itself.

"You will not harm a hair on their heads, Nightmare!" her shout shook the foundations of the fortress, and every ear that could folded down upon itself, "By my oath as Sol Aeternam, I will burn your blight from this world, and every other world!"

The princess spread her wings, and for the second time in Shawn's visit to this dimension, the world was consumed in fire and light.


	18. Foil to the Sun

_In the last episode of Magic, and Mayhem, and... Murder? Oh my...:_

_Shawn Spencer, Pinkie Pie, Soft Speech, and Wavedancer arrive at Grizzly's fortress to find that the kidnapped griffon they've agreed to retrieve is none other than Gilda. Unfortunately, the team of misfits is immediately captured by the executor's elite diamond dog troopers._

_Outside of the fortress, the rest of the Elements and Aegis (fresh from putting out fires and dealing with general Rex) are drawn into battle with Grizzly's guards. Soon, they make their way into the fortress, and arrive just in time to save their friends from losing their heads... literally._

_Their celebrations are cut short, however, when The Shadow finally makes its appearance, reveals itself to be a remnant of the dreaded Nightmare Moon, and proceeds to attempt to finish what Grizzly started. It is during this, their darkest hour, that the small, red pebble in Shawn's pocket (thought to be a joke-gift from Celestia) burns its way out of his pants and summons an enraged princess of the sun._

_We join our heroes in the aftermath of her initial assault on The Nightmare._

* * *

Twilight coughed, waving her hoof in front of her face to try to clear away some of the massive quantities of dust that choked the air.

She'd thrown up a half-dome shield by reflex, which had ended up doing nothing but deflecting a few errant chunks of rock and lending the brilliant light that had temporarily blinded her a purple tint.

"I didn't do it!" a familiar voice coughed out from nearby on her right, "It wasn't me this time- ow!"

Shawn stumbled into view, and she instinctively stepped forward, lending the bedraggled alien some support before he tripped again and actually hurt himself.

"We know, Shawn." Twilight rolled her eyes, but couldn't help smiling as he continued to wave his injured hand around, the way she'd been waving her hoof, while using his other arm to lean on her withers.

"What in tarnation was that?!" Applejack stepped into view, also coughing. "An' why was it in your pocket, of all places, consarn it!?"

Whatever Shawn's response might have been was drowned out by a strong blast of wind, which carried the dust out of the room through the newly created hole in the wall. Although, Twilight supposed it might not be truly accurate to call the new form of egress a 'hole'...

The ponies, and others, around her gasped as they saw the aftermath of the fireball. Everything forward of where the princess had been standing was simply gone. The edges of the blackened stone ending in still-glowing lumps of hardening magma. Outside, the sun shone brightly, though not enough to hide the flashes of light flaring from between the trees, while ominous peals of thunder rolled past the stunned group.

Dash flapped her wings one last time, blowing the last remnants of the dust cloud away, and landed to stare wide-eyed in the direction of the battle.

Fights between ancient beings of immense power tended to catch a pony's attention.

"What was that, Shawn? Ah couldn't hear you over that war ya'll started." AJ glared at the human.

"Applejack, don't be that guy that always shows up to parties late and complains that the punch needs more vodka." Shawn replied.

"Oooo, yeah, Applejack... you _don't_ want to be that guy." Pinkie added, sagely, "Actually, you should probably try not to be a guy altogether!"

"Me?!" AJ exclaimed, indignant, "Ya'll are the one who's been stampedin' 'round Equestria doin' who knows how many bits in damage! Ya'll are like a... uhh..." the farmer paused. "Twi, what's the word for equinoid, but for him instead?"

"If I had to guess, I'd say it's probably _humanoid_." Twilight replied.

"An' give me a word for a real nasty natural disaster. Preferably somethin' that tends to do a lot o' property damage."

"Errm... typhoon?"

"Thank ya kindly, Twi." AJ nodded pleasantly at her, then turned back to glare at Shawn, "Ya'll are like a_humanoid typhoon_!" she accused.

Twilight glanced over her withers at Shawn, who appeared to be concentrating more on catching his breath than whatever her friend had to say. After a few moments, the human heaved himself up and met Applejack's stare.

"Typhoon? Really? Personally, I feel like I'm more of a hurricane. The rockin' type, not the deliciously candy-like alcoholic beve-"

"Where _did_ you get that artifact from, Mr. Spencer? And what was it? For that matter, what the hay is going on?" Aegis cut in, rather curtly.

Twilight looked over to see the captain, along with the minotaur, the unicorn mare with the weird mane, and...

"Gilda!?" She gaped in astonishment at the familiar griffon.

"Hey, lame-o's," Gilda rasped, and Twilight couldn't help but notice how much more ragged and scrawny the abrasive griffon looked now than when she'd visited Ponyville. Where before Gilda had oozed smug pride, now she hunched, as if trying to retreat into her own feathers, which themselves drooped with exhaustion. Even her attempt at an insult had been half-hearted.

"Whoa... Gilda, what are you even doing here?" Rainbow Dash piped in, floating forward in concern for her old, ex-friend.

"Shawnee-boy," the grizzled unicorn spoke up at the same time, "ye still got some explainin' to be doin'."

Suddenly, everypony was talking. Some yelling at Shawn, others yelling at the ones yelling at Shawn. Others, like Pinkie, simply yelling about some creature called a 'bat-man'... whatever that was. Twilight glanced around, becoming increasingly agitated at the growing chaos.

Her princess had just popped out of some sort of magical artifact, and was now fighting against the same eldritch abomination that had nearly upended their entire civilization. If somepony didn't do something, the situation would only continue to deteriorate. She drew in a breath...

"All of you **SHUT UP**!"

... and nearly choked on it as captain Aegis's deafening shout left everyone's ears ringing and plastered to their skulls. The guardspony waited for a few moments in the ensuing silence, seeming to almost savor it, before continuing.

"Shawn, what was princess Celestia doing in your pants?"

Twilight, along with everyone else there, looked to Shawn expectantly. It looked like the biped was choking, bent over his stomach as he was and with his shoulders shaking from some unknown strain. Had he gotten something stuck in his throat? Concerned, Twilight stepped forward.

"Shawn... are you alright?" She noticed tears leaking from the corners of his eyes as she set a comforting hoof on his shoulder.

Of all the reactions she expected, debilitatingly explosive laughter was not one of them.

* * *

Celestia rushed through the air, forming the magical barrier around herself into a teardrop shape to aid in her flight. She trailed a wind storm in her wake as she quickly accelerated to her maximum speed in pursuit of the shadow creature.

The Nightmare.

It left a bitter taste in her mouth that she had not been able to recognize her unknown assailant until Shawn had literally dropped her at its hooves. A terrible mistake come back to haunt her. A mistake that she would not allow to continue plaguing her subjects. Not anymore.

Her eyes, enhanced by half a dozen varieties of perception spells, saw through the clouds, trees, and even the ground below her. In spite of this, the precise location of The Nightmare eluded her piercing gaze. It merged with the shadows, jumping from one to another, splitting off decoys, and generally doing everything within its not-inconsiderable power to avoid a head-on confrontation.

A confrontation it could not hope to win, incomplete as it was.

When The Nightmare had split off from her sister, under the assault of the Elements, it had taken a large portion of Luna's power with it. Even now, years later, the moon princess had not yet regained the full measure of her true strength, which had once been nearly the equal of the regent of the sun. Close enough, at least, to present Celestia with a difficult choice... no, an impossible one. In the end she did not regret lacking the will to destroy her own sister during their last battle. After all, a thousand years was far preferable to an eternity.

Now, though, she had a chance to put an end to all of it. To burn away the sentient negative energies that arose from Luna's brief bout with insanity. Energies so intricately bound to Luna's psyche that even the Elements had only been able to banish them, rather than destroy them completely. Or, perhaps the Elements themselves were incapable of such an act. Being representations of Life itself, it stood to reason that they simply might not have the capacity to end one, regardless of how terrible it was.

Celestia, however, had no such compunctions this time. The moon had not held The Nightmare. Tartarus would not hold it. Twice, it had escaped banishment. She had no choice. The Nightmare could run forever, if it wanted. She was as tireless as it. Eventually, she would catch it, and sear away every fiber of its essence with the power of her sun.

_I __**must**_. In the back of her mind, the ferocity of the thought surprised even her.

She jerked to a stop as tendrils of darkness rose from one of the trees below her, seeking to envelope her within her shield. It was a futile effort, barely putting a dent on the reserves of her shield's spell matrix as they were burnt away. Still, it gave Celestia pause, and caused her to briefly lose sight of her foe.

_Are you running or fighting, dark one?_

Its tactics were strange. She would have suspected that it was drawing from Luna's memories of some of the more cunning creatures they'd done battle with before unifying the pony nations, but the sisters had always fought side-by-side, back then. This was unlike anything she, and therefore Luna, had ever seen. A new strategy born from recent experience.

A many-fanged beast made of darkness, seemingly crafted to have as terrifying a visage as possible, rose from the shadow Celestia had cast on a nearby cloud. Its many mouths latched on to her shield, further depleting its energies before dissipating under a focused blast of light.

It finally occurred to Celestia that The Nightmare had, in fact, _not_ just been running. It was trying to confuse her. Intimidate her. Slowly eat away at her defenses until it could tire her out and deliver a decisive blow. All while keeping itself hidden and its avenues of escape open. It was a brilliant strategy, one uniquely suited to bringing down a more powerful foe with minimal risk to oneself.

The Nightmare had claimed that it had spent a decade in the human world, and its very nature would have pulled it to the darkest, most conflicted regions of Shawn's dimension. Had it learned how to fight like this from its time there? What else had it learned during its exile?

Celestia shook the thoughts away as irrelevant. Given time to prepare, and with her sun at its zenith, she was by far the more potent combatant. Maybe she couldn't pinpoint its location, but she could tell that it remained within this area. All she had to do was remove its sources of cover and power, flush it out into the open, and force it into a fair fight. A fight she would win.

"This ends now, creature!" she shouted, channeling strength into her horn.

The alabaster focus shone with magical fury, generating a vortex of fluctuating energies at its tip. With a deafening crack, the flames of her sun licked forth, trailing an actinic line of light to the forest below. Nearby clouds dispersed from its heat, rocks and trees turned to ash, and the very ground became glass at its touch. Celestia traced her most powerful offensive spell from shadow to shadow, obliterating every standing object beneath her as she sought to fight darkness with fire.

"It **must** end," she sobbed beneath her breath.

* * *

It took a few minutes, and a lot of glaring from the gathered menagerie, but Shawn was finally able to bring his laughter under control.

"What's so funny, Spencer?" Aegis growled.

"Aaahh... haha..." As Shawn finished one last chuckle, he caught a glint of red out of the corner of his eye. He glanced up, noting that the ponies were mostly glancing at each other in confusion, and scooped up the dropped pebble, disguising the motion with a stumble as he straightened.

_This'll probably come in handy, later._

"Sorry, sorry... it's not important, cappy, just a little adult humor. I'll tell you all about it when you're older."

"I'm 52," the cap'n growled between gritted teeth.

"Wow," Shawn blinked, "really? You don't look a day over 60."

The cap'n's ears dropped in horror, "I said _fifty_-two not _sixty_-two..."

"Oh... well, now, this is awkward. You should really learn to enunciate better. Also, you should look into some face-cream for those wrinkles. I bet Rarity can hook y-"

"Shawn!" Twilight admonished past a sudden coughing fit that sounded suspiciously like a chortle.

Captain Aegis gaped at him for a minute, before sighing deeply and bringing a hoof to rub lightly at his temple. "Just once. Just this _once_... can you take things seriously and get to the point? Please?"

Satisfied that the mood was sufficiently lightened, Shawn nodded, "Alright, alright. But only because you asked so nicely."

"What are you talking about? I always ask nicely."

"Y-... uhhh..." Shawn paused and looked around, but shaking heads and averted eyes told him none of the other ponies seemed to want to take that one. With a shrug, he continued, "Right. The... _artifact_ the princess popped out of."

His mind's eye stitched the scenes together for him as he talked.

_Disconsolate, Shawn stopped and picked up a flat, red pebble, bouncing it up and down in his hand a few times before chucking into a nearby hedgerow._

_"Oh!"_

_Or maybe through a nearby hedgerow. Shawn grimaced before calling out through the apparently-not-so-impenetrable wall of green, "Sorry!"_

_"It's quite alright!" A voice, melodic in a sweet and matronly sort of way, called back. It could have belonged to a young mare or a mother in her prime. There was a sort of... unknowable quality to it. As if he'd forget what it sounded like the moment he stopped hearing it._

"Funny enough, it was actually a little... gift I gave her, right before our dinner in Canterlot. Didn't know she was the princess at the time, though."

_Shawn couldn't deny it... the princess was good. She also looked much better than she had before, having regained much of her color and vibrance in the brief time since he'd last seen her._

_"I'll get you for this." he muttered under his breath._

_"I look forward to seeing your best efforts." Celestia didn't even try to hide her smile this time as she magically flicked something small and red into his hand. It seemed to be a pebble of... some... sort..._

Oh... right_. Shawn pocketed the smooth, little stone, as a symbol of her official declaration of prank-war._

_"Now," she continued, "I believe we were going to discuss your... behavior during the Gala?"_

In hindsight, she _had_ kept that pebble for quite a while before she'd given it back to him. Shawn suspected that some of that time she'd spent in seclusion, supposedly magically searching for the diamond dogs that nearly killed him, had actually been spent doing whatever it was that had allowed her to pop in as she had.

"She gave it back to me right before she sent us off on this little adventure. Probably used it to track me and Pinkie, waiting for the right moment to show up and give The Shadow... Nightmare... the surprise of its life."

Twilight looked mortified at the revelation, "But... princess Celestia trusts us! She trusts _me_! Why would she keep such an important part of her plan secret from everypony? And why would she give you something so powerful without even telling you what it is!?"

Shawn shook his head, "Can't tell you that one, Sparky. You'll have to ask her when she's done beating the tar out of The Shadow Nightmare."

The lavender unicorn turned to face him, head tilted and one ear down in a quizzical expression, "The Shadow Nightmare? Really?"

He shrugged back, "It fits. I'd like to see you come up with something better."

The distinct sound of a minotaur clearing her throat cut them both off, "Soft Speech is sorry to interrupt, but she believes you still owe _us_ an explanation, too."

Soft Speech stood there, using one massive hand to support Gilda's thin frame. It looked like the griffon was at her limit just staying conscious. Wavedancer also stood nearby, head tilted and observing every exchange with a wary, though bemused, expression.

Shawn looked at them for a moment, somewhat at a loss on how to quickly get everyone on the same page. A floating, blond pegasus caught his attention and he snapped the fingers of his left hand in sudden inspiration, "Pinkie, fill them in while I talk shop with the cap'n and the planeteers..." he looked back at his right arm, still weighed down by a massive sword attached to his cast, "and Twilight gets this thing off my arm..."

"Oooo, a recap!" Pinkie beamed as she zipped over to the Cauldron denizens, "I love doing recaps! Almost as much as I love chocolate, but not quite as much because, let's be honest, _chocolate_! Anyway, it all started when Shawn blew up the embassy..."

* * *

Celestia surveyed the land below her. Where once there had been a forest, thick with trees, streams, and hill-sides, there was only a flat, blackened wasteland. In many places, the ground gave off an unnatural shine from where layers of dark, glassy stone had formed in jagged lines that traced the path of her spell. It had pained her to cause so much destruction, but the land would recover eventually. Unless the resurrected Nightmare brought about eternal night.

Another shadow creature rose up from the ground, but was quickly dispatched by a blast of light from her horn. The things had been getting progressively weaker and rising less frequently, leading Celestia to believe that Nightmare was reaching the end of her- _its_ strength.

Still, the monster would likely hold some of its magic in reserve for when Celestia landed to search it out. It probably knew she would have to land, eventually. That blast of Sunfire had thrown up a lot of debris, and distorted the magical fields in the area to the point where Celestia's detection spells were having a hard time pinpointing the Nightmare in spite of its lack of direct cover.

_No point in delaying the confrontation,_ she thought to herself as she banked, filling the air with even more ash and dust, stirred by the flapping of her wings.

In truth, she was also wary of what new tactics the creature might come up with if she gave it enough time to think.

Her gold-shod hooves touched down on the scorched earth, her right one cracking a dark blob of fused quartz and sand as she put her armored weight on it. It was a scar left by her spell, upon which nothing would be able to grow for years to come. This was not the first time she had been forced to take a step into darkness in order to vanquish the evils it spawned... to protect her subjects.

Likely, it would not be the last. But, who else was there to do so?

Celestia peered around, motes of latent raw magic distorting the atmosphere. The effect on the ground was even stronger, though she could at least perceive the Nightmare's general direction. And with no nearby darkness to hide within or draw power from, the threat it presented was small enough to warrant the risk.

"Come out, Nightmare!" she shouted once more. "You cannot avoid me forever. Soon, you will be nothing but a memory. A bad dream that vanishes before the light of the morning sun!"

"Pretty words," its voice whispered from behind Celestia.

The sun princess turned, focusing her detection spells and coming that much closer to distinguishing The Nightmare's magical signature from the noise. She only needed it to speak a little more.

"Merely the truth." Celestia continued, eyes searching, "You cannot hope to win here. Your power has waned, and I control the field of battle."

"Perhaps... but we shall have to see whose power has truly wa-"

_There!_ Her spells suddenly focused, pinpointing the source of the magic that was projecting The Nightmare's voice. With a flap of her wings, Celestia launched a wall of flame in its direction, hoping to catch the creature off-guard.

However, The Nightmare's magical signature disappeared, then instantly reemerged somewhere behind her.

_Teleportation?_ Celestia turned, lashing out with fire a second time, only to "see" the magical signature jump once again. It was a wasteful tactic... there was no way her foe had enough energy left to keep that up.

"How rude, princess!" The Nightmare chuckled, trying but failing to hide the strain in its voice, "Very... uncharacteristic of you, the gallant and eternal protector. The alabaster goddess who shields her ponies from the dirtiness of reality, yet remains pristine herself."

This time, Celestia didn't bother to respond. Instead, she teleported forward herself, whipping her fiery mane and tail at the figure before her. It dissipated, taking with it the magical signature she'd been sensing. Celestia readied herself... if there was any time for The Nightmare to spring her trap, it would be now.

Dust swirled as Celestia's own shadow, faint from the lack of direct sunlight, darkened and swelled, enveloping both her and her shield.

"Want to know what I think?" The Nightmare's whisper came from everywhere, "I think they see only a gilded facade, unsuspecting of the loneliness, frustration, and... dare I say... anger that lie behind it. The stains beneath your pure, white coat, so to speak? We are not so different, within those stains, Celestia. Today, on this field, we are both driven by vengeance. Nothing more. Nothing less."

Celestia glowered at the swirling shadows. "I seek only to protect my subjects, and correct an old mistake."

This was not about vengeance. It couldn't be. True, she did hate The Nightmare for all the pain it had caused. But she loved her ponies... her family... more.

"Truly?" it laughed. "Is that truly what you think? Is that what you thought as you encased Discord and a dozen other 'enemies' in stone? As you damned your own sister to a thousand years of nothingness?" A mocking smile formed beneath a pair of slitted pupils.

A spark within the princess, unnoticed before, flared into a full-blown wildfire at the taunt.

"I had no choice!" she screamed, pouring power into her shield. The carefully balanced matrix collapsed, causing a cascade of magical energies to fluctuate out of control and explode outwards in a radiant blast of light and heat. The Nightmare's enveloping darkness boiled away entirely before the onslaught, the eyes within it widening as the mouth below them opened in a soundless screech of surprise.

When it was over, Celestia stood, panting, upon the center of a large circle of charred earth. Yet another scar that would need time to heal.

Her armor sat heavily on her withers, and her mane and tail had returned to their natural, pastel shades. But The Nightmare was gone.

At last, the bad dream was over.

Celestia smiled, genuinely relieved. Her detection spells could see no trace of the creature, but she would need to have her guardsponies comb the area, just in case.

"Never hurts to be too careful," she panted as she took her first step back towards the fortress. Glassy stone crunched beneath her hooves, while her hair prickled with cold. A cold that spiked deep into her heart as living shadows writhed up from the cracks left by her passage.

"There is no such thing as true purity, princess." The voice... that dreaded voice... spoke, all traces of fatigue gone, "And darkness dances within every crack."

_No!_

A tendril of darkness wrapped itself around Celestia's neck, dragging the alicorn down to her knees.

_Not like this!_

The laughing eyes and lazy, psychotic smile were the first of the monster's features to reappear. "See? I can say pretty words too. Really, the poetic irony of the whole situation would be tragic, if it wasn't so amusing."

"H-How?" Celestia croaked.

"How?" The Nightmare mocked. "This whole time, you've done nothing but chase shadows. Shadows and illusions. And I got to watch as you ran yourself ragged doing it."

_The ground..._ the princess berated herself, _It hid within the ground the whole time. And I was too desperate to stop her to notice._

The Nightmare, its body now having finished forming, loomed over Celestia's prone form, and spoke. "Speaking of pretty words: The humans have a saying, back in their world. 'She who fights with monsters should take care, lest she herself becomes one. And when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.'"

Celestia shuddered as an old fear was given words. That fear was accompanied by a vile presence, writhing its way into her mind. A presence she could not expel, without magic to fight it.

"There will be no eternal night this time, princess." The Nightmare leaned down, looking directly into the magenta of Celestia's irises. "Instead, we will wreathe the world in your flames... and I will _make you watch it burn._"

Princess Celestia closed her eyes, then her mind.

* * *

Shawn traced a finger along the crack in the thick cast that covered his right forearm. The sword itself had been easy enough to remove through a minor exertion of Twilight's magic. The cast, however, would have to stay on, unless he wanted to run around with a broken hand flapping about.

_That never sounds any less painful, no matter how many times I think about it._ He shuddered.

Perhaps more ominously, the unicorn didn't have enough strength or time at the moment to renew the protection spells that had been on the cast before. So, the next time Shawn used his arm as a shield would likely be the last time he used that arm at all. The most she could do was mend the cast itself in the magical equivalent of slapping on some duct tape, which she was currently in the process of doing.

Applejack, meanwhile, had been put in charge of updating him on what the ponies had been up to. Probably because she'd been the most vocal during his abridged retelling of what he and Pinkie had done so far.

"So... 13 warehouses, huh?" he asked again.

"Uh huh," Applejack repeated dryly.

"In my defense, that's more of a problem with the city's fire code than me. And it's not my fault the owners didn't pick up insurance for their hundred-year-old fire traps."

"Now listen here, Shawn, Ah don-"

"Applejack, this isn't helping," Twilight interrupted, looking up from her finished task, "We'll deal with Shawn's debt to the crown later."

"Whoa... debt? Uhhh... do you guys take credit? I'm pretty sure I've still got Gus's card around here somewhere..."

Twilight only rolled her eyes and continued, "The princess is out there right now, fighting The Nightmare's Shadow-"

"Shadow Nightmare."

"Shawn!"

"What!? It's _way_ cooler!" he asserted.

"He's right," Dash agreed. "It _is_ way cooler."

"Ugh, we don't have time for this!" Twilight protested, then sighed, "_Fine._ She's out there fighting _The Shadow Nightmare_ while we're sitting around arguing about a silly name! We have to do something!"

Rarity, treading lightly, moved forward. "Yes... but what, dear?"

Twilight only looked at her, ears back in confusion.

"What I mean is..." The fashionista bit her lip, clearly trying to think of the right wording, "Princess Celestia is, by far, the most powerful mage in Equestria. And The... Shadow Nightmare has shown itself to be in a league above our own. With the Elements back in Canterlot..."

"Rarity... what are you saying?"

Shawn groaned, even the minor effort of standing up getting to him, "She's saying you couldn't help the princess, even if she wanted you to."

"What?" Twilight raised a hoof, looking utterly horrified at the implication. The others, except for Rarity, simply looked disbelieving.

"Think about it, Sparky. If she wanted help, she would have brought the Elements with her and told you to blast the baddie right in its stupid, see-through face. She didn't, so she obviously thinks this is something she needs to do on her own."

"But... but the Elements were the one thing that defeated Nightmare Moon last time! Why _wouldn't_ she want to use them again!?"

Sighing, Shawn continued, "You're still not thinking about it. The Shadow Nightmare _told_ us what happened last time you used the Elements. You think Celestia wants to send that thing to some other dimension every couple of years 'till it decides to give up trying to come back?"

Twilight looked down at her hooves, dejected, "No... I suppose not..."

"None of _us_ can help with what she needs to do. I'm only surprised she didn't bring her sister along."

"No, that one makes sense," Twilight responded, ears still down and eyes fixed on the ground. "The creature is an unstable, sentient magical construct spawned by princess Luna's fractured psyche. Princess Celestia was probably afraid that if it got too close to Luna, it would be able to remeld itself to her mind and control her again."

Dash winced, "Yeah... we _definitely_ don't need another Nightmare Moon on our hooves."

"Yeah, from what you told me, I wouldn't want another... wait..." A thought suddenly struck Shawn, "It's _not_ the same."

"Uhh... what're you on about, Shawn? Yer makin' less sense'n a cow up an apple tree." AJ stepped close, eyeing him curiously.

For his part, Shawn brought a palm to his face. Well, he tried. Unfortunately, that palm happened to be covered in a cast at the time, which he ended up smacking himself with. A brief shake of his head to clear it later, Shawn started pacing and talking.

"The creature you guys fought last time... Nightmare Moon. You told me she was princess Luna, grown jealous of the ponies' love of the day, and frustrated at their disinterest in the night, right?"

The ponies all glanced at each other, then nodded.

"But that's not the Luna I met. I mean, yeah, she's clearly looking for ways to fit in, but she wasn't megalomaniacal... erm..." Shawn paused to stare a Twilight.

"What?" She raised an eyebrow at him.

"I was just... you know... it felt like you were going to correct me or something..."

"On what? You used the right word. For once."

"Really? Huh... usually I end up using a malapropos at least once by-"

"Malapropism." the librarian corrected automatically.

"There it is." Shawn finished. Feeling somewhat relieved to get that out of the way, he continued, "Anyway, The Shadow Nightmare isn't _just_ a creature created by Luna's emotions getting mixed in with bad ju ju magic. It's a living chunk of her personality."

Captain Aegis, who'd been sitting quietly at the edge of the group so far, tilted his head and spoke up, "What's that got to do with anything?"

Shawn's mind flashed with white hot pain, as a memory forced its way through The Shadow Nightmare's magical haze.

_Maybe it was the nature of the place, or maybe it was the sheer presence of the being that communicated with him, but The Nightmare's emotions were palpable. Shawn felt like sandpaper made of hatred was being shoved down his throat._

Ok, I get it. You're very angry and very crazy..._ He paused, wryly noting that he was holding a conversation with a voice in his head, _What do you want from me?

**Want?**_ The Nightmare laughed and contempt washed over him like acid rain, _**There is NOTHING I seek from you. You are a bug, beneath my notice and easily crushed. However, your presence on this world will change things... Things that are vital to my VENGEANCE. **_The desire in that final word seethed and burned in his center._

As if triggered by the flash, the rest of the memories the creature had locked away came back to him in a rush. The chase through the hallways, its shadowy form, the portal, the dreams it used to threaten his life... to subtly influence his emotions and actions during the day.

"Every person-... pony-... _being_ is different. Everyone wants different things. When you banished the chunk of Luna's personality that was making her crazy, along with the corrupted magic that was keeping it in control, you created an entirely new _being_. A creature whose whole personality was based around Luna's negative emotions. Her jealousy, her frustration... her spite. It's... it's incomplete. It doesn't know anything else... that must be why it got drawn to the worst people from my world when it was banished there... but it doesn't have her need to be accepted! That emotion's still in Luna!"

Shawn looked around at all of them, willing them to understand, "It doesn't want an endless night anymore! That was what Nightmare Moon wanted... what her need for acceptance led her to want! The Shadow Nightmare wants something else... and my guess is it wants to get back at the one common source for all of the negative emotions it got stuck with."

"Princess Celestia..." Twilight breathed out, understanding finally dawning on her face.

"This was never about taking over Equestria, or destroying the Elements, or even usurping the throne," Aegis muttered. "It was all about the princess. Everything was designed to hurt _her_... to lure her out into the open. This whole takeover was all an elaborate trap."

"We have to warn her!" Fluttershy not-quite shouted. Her sort-of outburst drew everyone's attention, causing her to squeak and retreat behind her mane.

"She's right," Applejack asserted and tipped her hat. "We cain't just stand by an' wait fer the princess t'do all the work. 'Specially if she don't know what she's actually fightin'."

"... 'and that's how Equestria was made!'" Pinkie shouted as the rest of the group approached, "... is what I would have said, normally... but everypony keeps telling me that joke's lazy and overused, so now I just say, 'git 'er done!', because nothing's funnier than a catchphrase in a silly accent!"

"Yer friend makes no sense, Shawnee." Wavedancer complained.

In perfect sync, Twilight and Shawn both shrugged and said, "You get used to it."

Twilight shot him a startled glance, which was met by an amused chuckle from him.

"So," Shawn slapped his hand and his cast together, making a disappointingly dull thud instead of the sharp clap he expected, "Now that we're all up to date on what we're up against, we have to decide on what to do."

"What do you mean?" Soft Speech asked.

"The Shadow Nightmare was out to snuff the princess from the getgo, which means it might have a nasty surprise or two for her hidden up its sleeve. We need to go warn her, but we're going to need help... if you guys are feeling up for one more adventure."

The minotaur and sea-mare looked at each other, before gaping back at him.

"Ye lied to us 'bout who ye be." Wavedancer started.

"You nearly got us killed. More than once." Soft Speech continued for the mare.

"Ye led us on a wild goose chase an' set 'alf the city on _fire_."

"_And_ you toppled a good chunk of the social and governmental order while you were at it."

"Don't forget the parts where I started a war and forced an ancient evil into battle with a sun goddess," Shawn interrupted. "So, you guys in, or-? Ow!"

Shawn rubbed the back of his head where Twilight had leaned up and smacked him, returning her glare with sullen indignation.

"An' now ye want us ta fight through an army o' city guards, just ta reach a pissin' match 'tween an alicorn an' a demon?" Wavedancer finished.

Somewhat awkwardly, he nodded, still poking at the tender spot where Twilight's hoof had met his skull.

The two Cauldronites stared at him for a while longer, before bursting into wild grins.

"Ah, what the hay. I got nothin' better t'do."

"Soft Speech will go, but only because you look cute when you beg for help."

"I'm equal parts touched and horrified, guys," Shawn replied. "Thanks."

"What are we waiting for, then!?" Dash shouted, clearly excited at the prospect of making her mark on an epic battle of historic proportions. "Let's do this!"

"Whoa! Slow down there, Leroy!" Shawn reached out and grabbed her tail, getting dragged several feet forward before she noticed and stopped. "We're gonna need a plan."

"A real plan, or one o' yours?" Applejack asked, one eyebrow raised.

"I'm insulted, AJ! My plans are awesome! But no... I think we should consult the expert on this one." He looked over at Aegis, who'd been scowling quietly since the revelation that his princess might be in trouble.

"As much as I absolutely _hate_ to admit it... the chimp's right. We need to get to the princess, but the ponies I brought with me won't be enough to hold the city guard at bay once reinforcements arrive. We're going to need a plan of action..." The captain suddenly paused, the corners of his mouth rising into a terrifying grimace only a few would recognize as a grin and thoroughly disturbing everyone in the room.

"And I think I just came up with it."

* * *

_Uuuuuugh..._

Strom Front's mental groan was followed by a real one, as his mind did its best to try to pull itself together. The last thing he remembered was floating outside the fortress, intently watching for any sign of movement from within. Then... a burst of light, followed by an intense shock-wave that knocked the air out from his lungs and under his wings.

He didn't remember hitting the ground, but it obviously must have happened at some point, as that's where he was currently lying.

"_Ponyfeathers_ that hurt..." A complaint and a few grunts later, he was back on four hooves. Like any good guard would, the first thing he did was check himself for injuries.

When he found none, he checked his armor. "Aaaaand there goes my helmet," he muttered sullenly.

There was a large dent on the gilded head-piece where a flying chunk of rock had clearly struck him. A dent large enough, in fact, that it no longer sat properly over his mane. With a sigh, he discarded it as the dead weight it now was.

That fact that he wasn't dead or in a coma meant that he probably hadn't been knocked out for more than a few seconds. Not an unexpected side-effect of falling from that height. After all, pegasi might be naturally resistant to heavy impacts and high g-forces... but hitting the ground after a hundred span fall was going to do some damage. At least he'd fallen on the outside of the wall, so he didn't have to worry about city guards falling upon him en masse.

A clap of thunder drew his attention back toward the forest. He had a brief moment to wonder at the noise before a line of light, stretching from a random spot in the sky to the ground below, burned itself into his retinas before he could look away. About five seconds later, the sound hit him: A continuous rolling thunder, not unlike that which could be heard during a massive lightning storm.

While he'd never seen it himself - no living, mortal pony had - Storm Front was familiar with the histories. That was Sunfire... princess Celestia's most devastating spell, and an undeniable sign that the Regent of the Sun had entered the fray. A million questions vied for his attention, but he quickly discarded them.

That display of power had drawn the attention of every Royal Guardspony in the area. They would know what it meant, as well.

A shrill trumpet call assaulted his already sensitive ears, signalling the arrival of reinforcements from the city guard, likely more of those loyal to Grizzly. Even the Royal Guard would not be able to hold out against this... not if they were pinned between the fortress and the fresh enemy forces. Not without help.

Worse, not even the Wonderbolts could conceivably hope to reach them all the way from Canterlot in time to make a difference.

Honestly, it was a veritable miracle that nopony had been killed yet, but the number of royal guards with injuries grave enough to remove them from the fight grew by the minute. Injuries that would prevent the main body of guards from maneuvering or retreating without abandoning their comrades... which they would never do.

Swearing, Storm Front took to the air, dodging a badly aimed crossbow bolt in his rush for altitude.

_Desperate times call for desperate measures._

The thought lent his wings strength as he turned toward the North shore.

* * *

"This sucks," Shawn stated loudly... again, just in case anyone hadn't heard him the first four times.

Dash turned to look back at him over her withers, her initially amused smirk now having become an annoyed glower. "Dude, you're getting a lift from the awesomest pony in all of Equestria. What's there to complain about?"

Shawn grunted noncommittally as he looked around the wreckage that used to be an office/throne-room hybrid. Grizzly and his dogs had been stuffed into the cage that previously contained Gilda. The griffon herself was looking decidedly better, after having received some first aid and food from one of Pinkie's bottomless saddle-bags. She would need all the strength she could get for what they had planned.

Which, of course, brought Shawn back to his current situation, perched atop Dash's back and trying not to get in the way of her spread wings.

"I think it might have something to do with my hand getting broken the last time you gave me a ride..."

"Buh... what?!" Dash sputtered. "You _jumped off and punched a diamond dog in the jaw!_ How is any of that my fault?!"

"Clearly, you're failing to understand something very important here," Shawn responded, giving her head a condescending pat.

She narrowed her eyes in response. "And what's that?"

"Nothing's ever my fault."

Rainbow Dash tried to hold her glare, but eventually had to shake her head as she broke out into a wide grin, "Don't worry, we're not going to be going all that fast this time... not when I have to carry you _and_ help Cappy with your giant friend over there." She nodded toward Aegis, who was assisting an embarrassed Twilight get adjusted on his own back, while Soft Speech stood by looking nervous.

The fact that Dashie had referred to Aegis as "Cappy" did not escape Shawn, or the captian's, notice.

Shawn grinned and shook his own head. The plan was actually fairly simple: The fliers carry the non-fliers over the wall and into the forest as quickly as possible. After all, when princess Celestia decimated the back portion of the castle, she'd caused quite a ruckus. Honestly, it was a miracle none of the guards had shown up to investigate... though with the intense fighting that was still ongoing at the front gates and in the skies, they probably didn't have any spare soldiers to send to check out what might have only been a stray bolt of magic from one of the attackers.

Of course, the whole thing was complicated by the fact that they needed to get a massive mountain of minotaur muscle over a wall that seemed taller every time Shawn looked at it. To that end, he and Twilight - the lightest non-flying members of the group - were perched atop the two strongest fliers, who would be cooperating to lift Soft Speech over the obstacle.

And so, Shawn found himself sitting on Dash, who was now floating just over Soft Speech's head with her front hooves hooked under the minotaur's right arm.

"I still don't get why we can't just go one at a time..." Shawn complained.

"Because the moment we get over the wall, those griffons up there are going to be on our flanks. We won't get a chance to come back and pick anypony else up," Aegis responded automatically from his spot at Soft Speech's left arm, as if he'd already given the answer so many times that he'd passed the point of annoyance and into unthinking reflex.

In all fairness to the cap'n, he probably had.

"Don't worry, Shawn. I'm gonna give you the _smoothest_ ride of your life." Dash asserted confidently, throwing a reassuring wink his way for good measure.

After a moment's careful consideration, Shawn mentally collected himself and responded the only way he could in that situation. "Do you people actually _listen_ to yourselves?!"

Apparently, they did not, because Dash only shrugged - nearly throwing him off with the motion - and started flapping her wings harder. One dual grunt of effort from her and Aegis later, matched by a nerve-wracked groan from Soft Speech, and they were rising slowly into the air.

Shawn looked up from his death grip on Dash's mane to see Twilight staring at him.

"Did you just yelp?" she asked.

"... nope. That was clearly Fluttershy," he lied.

He followed Twilight's gaze as she turned to look at the yellow pegasus, who was struggling to keep up while lifting Wavedancer by her forehooves. In contrast, Dash and Aegis were already halfway up the wall. Pinkie, who was carrying AJ, floated nearby, keeping an eye on both Fluttershy and Gilda. Of everyone there, those two were the least likely to manage the flight. The griffon, in particular, looked like she was really struggling with even Rarity's relatively light weight.

"Uh huh..." Twilight raised a single eyebrow at him, a corner of her lip upturned in a smirk.

"Sparky, I don't yelp," Shawn continued with a roll of his eyes. "I laugh in pleased surprise." To demonstrate, he drew in a breath and started letting out a high pitched chuckle.

He might have pulled off the fib, too, had Dash not chosen just that moment to wobble as she reached the top of the wall, turning his fake laugh into a squeak of abject terror.

Twilight's little smirk immediately became a full fledged giggle, which earned her a dirty look as the whole group began an easy glide in the direction of the tree-line.

"See?" Dash grunted, sweating with effort. "Nothing to it. Just a short flight to the forest and an even shorter walk from there to the princess. We'll be there in no time."

"Don't let your guard down yet," Aegis muttered, his own face red from the strain. "Griffons have even better eyesight than we do. We could've been spotted already and we'd never know it."

"Better than _you_, maybe. _I've_ got eyes like a hawk. There's no way I'd miss- mmph!"

The mare turned to glare at Shawn, who'd reached over and clamped his hand around her muzzle, being careful to avoid blocking her nose.

"Don't. You'll jinx it." His statement was met only with further glaring. Probably because all of her limbs were otherwise occupied at the moment.

"Phew! Thank goodness! I didn't think I was gonna make it... and then I didn't! But, it turns out I didn't need to, because Shawn totally stopped her from saying it!" Pinkie's white-coated form, wings abuzz, flitted up from behind them, dragging Applejack along beneath her. The farm pony's face was locked in an expression of patient tolerance, even as her excitable friend's antics and motions whipped AJ about like a lasso at a rodeo.

The noises from the battle had been getting gradually quieter as the wall shrunk away and the forest got closer. So much so, that Twilight's voice seemed to ring in the silence following Pinkie's statement.

"What are you two going on about?"

Pinkie turned to face her, nearly taking Shawn's head off with AJ's rear hooves as the farm pony was swung around. "Well, since it's such a good opportunity for dramatic irony, everypony knows that it's bad luck to say anything along the lines of 'what could possibly g-?'" She suddenly gasped, wide-eyed, and tried to shove her hooves in her mouth in an effort to interrupt herself. However, she seemed to realize that she couldn't use her own hooves, since they were busy holding Applejack's forelegs at that moment. So, instead, she used her friend's.

"Ew! Pinkie, get mah hooves outta yer mouth! That's disgustin'!"

The party-mare's only response was to cringe away from some invisible horror in the sky, while Shawn looked around nervously, his hand still clamped over Dash's muzzle.

For her part, Twilight only raised an eyebrow. "Really? _That's_ what's got you two so scared? That's just a silly superstition. You can't _cause_ things to go wrong just by saying 'what could possibly go wrong?'"

Shawn only caught a glimpse of a small, brown blur as it clanged heavily against the cap'n's helmet, eliciting a curse and nearly causing him to drop Soft Speech. They all turned to see a group of several griffons diving down from some nearby cloud cover, crossbows aimed at their slow, vulnerable formation.

"Oh, come on!" Twilight shouted at the pursuing soldiers. "That doesn't count, it was out of context!"

"Everypony drop down, now!" Aegis yelled over her, following his words with a steep dive toward the approaching tree-line.

Several more crossbow bolts lanced down after them, but broke against Twilight's hastily erected half-dome shield.

Aegis and Dash didn't slow down much as they approached the ground, forcing Soft Speech to run along as they set her down. In tandem, the two pegasi landed, sliding to a stop on the grass just before the trees. Twilight and Shawn hopped off, the latter nearly falling on his face as he scrambled off of Dash.

"Go," Aegis shouted to the rest of the group as they caught up. Gilda fudged the landing and came to a rolling stop alongside Rarity, who had managed to miraculously keep her mane intact throughout the ordeal.

"B-But... what about you?!" Fluttershy asked, past her heavy panting, as she set herself and Wavedancer down.

"I'll hold them off. The princess needs you far more than she needs me right now, anyway." The guard captain looked up past the flickering-purple shield at the circling griffons, who were making sure to stay up high and, presumably, out of range of telekinesis. The altitude also meant their crossbow bolts didn't lose speed as they them fired straight down at the group.

"We're not just going to leave you here," Twilight protested.

Having finished dusting himself off, Shawn stepped forward before the cap'n could say anything else. "Sparky, we can't help him here. If we stick around, we're just going to end up giving him more things to worry about protecting besides his own sorry butt."

The cap'n paused, giving Shawn an odd look before simply nodding. Twilight still looked conflicted, but acquiesced after taking a moment to think the situation through. It seemed that she was starting to learn something about making tough calls.

The group took a moment to catch their breath before walking to the edge of the forest, which just happened to coincide with the edge of Twilight's shield. Shawn stopped and looked back, noticing that Dash was still stubbornly standing next to the captain.

"What-?" Aegis started to ask, but Dash cut him off.

"Maybe _they_ can't help you here, but _I_ sure can."

"You-"

"Stuff it. Nopony's going to get left behind to fight alone as long as I'm around," she interrupted again.

After a moment's consideration, the cap'n shrugged, the corners of his lips turning up into what could be recognized as a _genuine_ grin.

_Never thought I'd see _that_ today._

Shawn looked over to Twilight, ready to step in again in case she wanted to protest, but the mare only smiled and looked back toward the forest. Dash's bravado was clearly boosting the whole group's morale... it was probably best not to mention the nervous shaking in the pegasus's rear knees.

"Ready, everyone?" Twilight asked, confidence oozing from her tone.

Each member of the group nodded, Aegis and Rainbow Dash spreading their wings, ready to spring out the moment Twilight dropped her shield.

"Go!" she shouted. The group took off, and Shawn looked back just in time to catch trails of rainbow and gold, intertwining through the sky as two consummate fliers bowled their way through a very surprised flock of griffons.

* * *

On the North shore of Cauldron, a very startled general was roused from his nap as an armored pegasus crashed through his window.

* * *

They were running through the forest, the thick tree cover slowing everyone down to a pace that even Shawn could keep up with. Soft Speech had taken the lead, using her massive strength to clear away obstacles and make a slightly more traversable path for the rest.

_Almost there,_ Shawn thought to himself, just before a familiar series of howls coming from their left nearly startled him into stumbling. Had they incidentally run into enemy reinforcements?

"Sounds like company." Applejack muttered just loudly enough for them all to hear.

Soft Speech simply grunted and started to speed up, but was stymied when a squeaky shout reached her ears.

"Wait!" Fluttershy called out from the rear of their line. She and Rarity stood over Gilda, who was laying motionless against the roots of a tree.

The minotaur immediately turned and ran to her friend, checking the griffon's pulse, then eyes. "She's out cold. Exhaustion, probably."

More eerie howls, much closer than before, raised the small hairs on the back of Shawn's neck.

"There be no way we're outrunnin' a pack o' diamond dogs like this," Wavedancer pointed out, her features set into grim lines.

Applejack stood up from where she'd set her ear to the ground. "That's a mighty big pack comin' our way."

Soft Speech stood up slowly and looked to Wavedancer. "Looks like it's our turn this time."

"Aye," the sea-mare nodded softly.

"I-I... I'll stay too. Somepony needs to watch over her." Fluttershy murmured from her spot at Glida's side.

Her friends oggled at the soft-spoken mare, who cringed away from the sudden attention. Soft Speech nodded, gratefulness evident in the motion.

Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Applejack glanced at each other, then looked to Twilight, unsure of what to do next.

The de facto leader bit her lip, ears lowering as the howls started up again, now accompanied by excited barking. "We only need to deliver a message. So long as at least one of us makes it, we'll win."

"I'll go," Shawn offered, feeling a little out of place in such a serious situation. "It's not like I'd make a difference here, anyway."

Twilight smiled at him gratefully, but shook her head. "No, we'll both go. You'll need somepony to shield you from stray combat magic. And two of us means double the chances of success."

At her friend's words, Applejack tipped her hat with a hoof, a determined look crossing her face. "The others an' Ah'll stay here an' help. You two make sure ya'll get to the princess."

"Right." Shawn nodded and turned to follow Twilight, but was stopped when Applejack continued.

"Oh, an' Shawn... don't go gettin' mah friend killed or nothin'..." A pause, "or yerself," she added with a grin. "Now git!"

Grinning, Shawn gave her a thumbs up and ran after the purple unicorn, who'd already started cutting a path through the forest with her magic.

Applejack watched them go, before turning and walking over to stand with the minotaur and sea-mare. "Come on, lil' doggies," she murmured as the snarling dogs burst through the underbrush, spears first.

"Just like old times, eh Sparky?" Shawn gasped as he struggled to keep up with the cantering mare.

Twilight turned to look back at him, confusion on her features, "What the hay are you talking about? You've only been here a week!"

Shawn paused, startled. "Really? That's it?" He shook his head. "It feels more like a year..."

"It kind of does, doesn't it?" Twilight giggled in spite of herself.

"Sure puts a hamper on my plans for an 'I'm too old for this shit' comment."

The unicorn sighed in mock exasperation, her smile suddenly faltering. "Shawn..."

"Yeah?" He didn't miss the light shake in her voice.

"Do you think they'll be alright? I mean... I made the right choice, didn't I?"

Shawn didn't hesitate, "Absolutely. Your friends can kick butt with the best of 'em."

"Flank," she corrected.

"I've heard it both ways."

She laughed, a little more genuinely this time, and leaned forward, her horn glowing brighter as she increased her pace through the foliage.

All at once, they burst into a clearing, hooves and feet crunching on some sort of glassy, black stone that lay where there had once been grass. Both of them had to stop, nearly choking on the dust and ash that floated along with the breeze.

"Whoa," Shawn breathed past a cough. Through watering eyes, he could see that this entire portion of the forest had been turned into an arid wasteland. Even the air had become noticeably less humid. "What happened here?"

Twilight looked around, horrified. "Sunfire..." she whispered. "I've read about it in books about the early history of Equestria, when the demons of Tartarus roamed free. It was said that princess Celestia called down the flames of her sun against her most powerful foes as a last resort... but that the lands she used that spell within were often left barren for years afterward. You-"

Whatever she was about to say was interrupted by a crunch, and she leaned down to inspect the black chips her hoof had kicked up as she stepped forward. "Fulgurite," she muttered.

"You're a fulgurite!" Shawn rebutted, still trying to catch his breath.

"Wha-?! I don't... Oh! That's not an insult, Shawn, it's the stuff that's made when sandy earth gets super-heated very quickly. It normally only ever forms when lightning strikes near a beach... but I guess that must be what the books referred to when they mentioned her spell 'scorching the land black'." Twilight shook her head. "Now's not the time for lectures. We need to find princess Celestia quickly. If she's using _this_ spell, that means she must be getting desperate. The Shadow Nightmare might have already sprung whatever trap it prepared for her."

Shawn nodded and followed her, keeping an eye out for any sign of movement... or impending fiery death.

It took a few minutes of wandering before they finally spotted a shape among the dust clouds. It was tall and horned, with a long wavy mane that flowed unnaturally, and impressively large wings to match. There was a glint, as a stray beam of sunlight reflected off of polished golden armor.

"Princess!" Twilight shouted joyfully and rushed forward.

Shawn smiled in relief, then paused. Something about this felt horribly off, forcing a shudder from him as his breath misted in the cold...

It was _cold_.

"Twilight, wait!"

He was too late. The mare was suddenly snatched up by claws made of shadows, black as the darkest night, writhing and flickering in a mockery of the flames that had earlier composed an enraged Celestia's mane. A mane that was normally a soft rainbow of light, but now seemed to be comprised of a total absence of it. Her coat was a deep blood-red, contrasting the still-golden sun of her cutie mark.

"Twilight, my little darling!" the monster that had once been Celestia cooed. "You're just in time..." She smiled, showing long fangs that, combined with her newly golden eyes, lent her the look of a predatory cat. A hungry one.

Shawn froze. What was he supposed to do here? What could he _possibly_ hope to do here?!

To her credit, Twilight struggled against the umbral bonds that held her, glaring at the creature that was once her loving teacher and mother-figure. "Leave her alone, you _demon_!"

The Shadow Nightmare cocked her head, "Hmm... I was really expecting your curiosity to take over, Twilight. I'm a little disappointed. Don't you want to know what you're just in time for?"

Twilight growled, still squirming. Her horn began to glow, but the nascent light was quickly snuffed by black flames.

"The end of the world..." Shawn muttered.

The Shadow Nightmare turned to face him, a look of mild surprise crossing her features, "You're still here? I would have expected you to run... not that it would do you any good, mind, but you've been a coward about everything else so far." She then shrugged, clearly dismissing his presence as she turned to face Twilight once more, "He _is_ right, though. I'm going to make you and your teacher watch the rest of the world burn to ashes around us. Then, when I'm done, I'm going to make her watch _you_ burn. Slowly," she giggled.

Wings spread, the sun demon rose into the air, Twilight in tow, as her eyes were consumed by the same shadows that held the Element of magic hostage.

Before Shawn's eyes, the sun crashed down toward the ground, while the moon rose to meet it. The whole sky began to turn red as one celestial body eclipsed the other. From his point of view, it seemed as though the sun had gone out.

"You may call me Eclipse!" the monster shouted joyfully. "Tremble, little mortals, as your world is consumed by The Black Sun!" Then, she began to laugh.

Her celebration, however, was suddenly interrupted by a violent seizure, which choked off the peals of increasingly maniacal cackling.

Twilight fell from her grasp, teleporting at the last moment before she hit the ground and reappearing on her knees at Shawn's side. The unicorn was shivering and struggling to keep from hyperventilating.

Eclipse slammed into the ground, its body regressing from the perversion of Celestia's shape to a more solid version of the androgynous, transparent form it had taken before. Its expression was fixed into one of deep confusion as it pushed itself back unto its hooves. It was so confounded, in fact, that it didn't notice Shawn had been walking forward until he was right in front of its face.

"'_The Shadow Nightmare's_' still way cooler," he said. Then he punched it right in the jaw.

Dark, slitted eyes slowly turned to meet his own.

_Oh..._


	19. Rest for the Wicked

Twilight swam through a haze of cold and darkness, her eyes blurred from the pain of The Nightmare's fel grip. Somehow, she'd instinctively managed to keep herself from hitting the ground via teleportation, though the action had left her disoriented.

_Where am I?_

Her vision cleared, just in time to see a familiar bipedal alien calmly stride right up to a very shaken-looking living shadow.

_Shawn? Wha...?_

She could only stare in horrified awe as he raised his right arm, still bound in the cast she'd recently repaired, and swung it full force right into the demon's stupefied face.

"'_The Shadow Nightmare's_' still way cooler," Shawn stated, then stared at The Nightmare for a full five seconds before clutching his damaged hand to his stomach and uttering a squeaky "Ow..."

The shadowy alicorn slowly turned its head to glare down at him, looming over the much smaller detective.

If Shawn's actions had been intended to shock The Nightmare out of its stupefaction and into a state of unbridled rage, he had succeeded wonderfully. Unfortunately, by the look on the human's face, that had probably not been the point.

"Ooookay," Shawn spoke in mildly panicked tones, "maybe I was a little hasty on that one. In my defense, you did indirectly threaten to burn me to death... and then directly. But I've come to realize that violence is never the answer! Instead, let's talk about this like reasonable people and/or abominations. What do you say? Hug it out?" He spread his arms, a hopeful expression on his face.

In response, The Nightmare flared its dark wings and reared up, ready to bring its front hooves down on Shawn's head.

"Oh craaa-!"

Finally regaining her senses, Twilight stood and weaved one of the quickest teleportation spells she'd ever cast. The human disappeared just before The Nightmare's hooves passed through the space his head had recently occupied.

"-aaaaaaaaap!"

Twilight folded her ears back in annoyance as he reappeared beside her. She'd forgotten just how loud and high pitched he could go when truly terrified. In fact, it appeared that he was still flinching away from a hit that should have come and gone several seconds before.

"Shawn, are you okay?" she asked, concern coloring her tone.

He opened his eyes and looked around, seeming to quickly realize what had transpired. "Y-Yeah... good save, Sparky. Thanks."

The amount of relief she felt at his safety surprised even her. Had she begun to actually care for him as a close friend? When had _that_ happened? She'd ponder it later... at the moment, they had a far more immediate problem at hoof. Albeit, she did have one question in mind she couldn't help but ask.

"Did you really just try to hit an immortal demon in the face with your broken hand?"

"It seemed like the thing to do at the time," Shawn responded, shrugging. "And I didn't just try," he pointed out, still cradling his right arm, "I totally got that crazy bitch right in its stupid face."

In spite of the unnecessary expletive, Twilight couldn't hold back a burst of laughter at that last comment as she looked toward The Nightmare again. The demon appeared to have retreated back into its thoughts, further compounding the evidence for the instability of its psyche. One moment joyful, the next shocked, the next enraged, the next thoughtful...

In other words: It was falling apart at the seams.

That could be either good or incredibly dangerous for them. At least they were being given some time to plan.

"Yes," she admitted. "Yes, you did."

Shawn looked over at The Nightmare, "So... what now?"

Twilight's ears drooped, "I'm... not sure..."

The human hummed in thought for a moment, then spoke again, "You know... The Shadow Nightmare-"

"Shawn," she stopped him with a raised hoof, "we're friends, right?"

He looked down at her in surprise, "Of course!"

Nodding, she continued, "Then, as a friend, I need to tell you something..."

"What?"

"That name is really, _really_ stupid," she finished.

Shawn stared at her for a moment, mouth moving soundlessly. "It is _not_!" he finally replied, then grimaced. "It is... it totally is... I'll give you that. Still gonna use it, though."

"Why?!"

"Because I've come too far to turn back now, Sparky!"

Twilight sighed in mock exasperation, motioning for him to continue with her hoof.

"Anyway, _The Shadow Nightmare_," he continued where he left off, "had us on the ropes... but _something_ stopped it. Going by the shape it had before, I'm guessing it already took over Celestia." He paused to give her a sympathetic look, "But maybe not as completely as it thought. It doesn't even look like her anymore... it looks more like when it absorbed that other pony."

"It's possible..." Twilight breathed, hardly daring to hope. "It's possible that princess Celestia is still in there, somewhere. If she is, she might have found a way to block The Nightmare from accessing her powers! Shawn, do you know what this means?!"

"That the girl from The Exorcist was a huge wuss?"

She frowned in confusion, then shook her head, "I... no, Shawn... it means that there might still be a way to separate The Nightmare from the princess!"

"That makes a lot more sense," he admitted. "Can you... you know... _fwoosh_ them into separating?"

_Fwoosh?_

This time, she ignored the nonsensical part of the question, "The only way The Nightmare could have overwhelmed the princess was if Celestia had run out of magical energy... if I can pour enough of my own raw magic into The Nightmare's body, there's a good chance she can use it to free herself."

"Wouldn't that just make it stronger, though?" Shawn asked, once again displaying a startling lack of basic magical knowledge.

"No, magic doesn't work like that. Every living creature has their own signature life energy. A 'Harmony', if you will. In order for somepony to use somepony else's magic, they have to be very closely harmonized. Usually a relation by blood... or a whole lot of time spent interacting with each other's magic. Princess Celestia and I fit the latter... although, it has been a while..."

"So, like filling a balloon with too much air," he stated, scratching at his chin.

Twilight stared at him, shocked out of her spiral of nostalgic regret at not having had the chance to spend much time with her mentor before... all this. "No. Not even close. Do you ever listen to yourself?"

"Every night before bed. I find my deep tenor soothing after a hard day's detectiving. Anyway, let's go fill her with your magical air or whatever."

This time, Twilight's exasperated sigh was not fake.

"I see..." The Nightmare's distorted voice startled them both. "Very clever, princess. We'll find out how long you can keep that up for after you are forced to watch your student and her pet monkey die."

* * *

Applejack ducked, barely avoiding the spear tip that came hurtling through the air, nearly taking her hat off... and her head with it. This was insane! She was a farmer, not a fighter! At least Rainbow Dash had actual martial arts training.

The massive, brown minotaur she was fighting alongside stepped around her, swinging her horned head in a wide arc and slamming the offending armored dog aside and into two of his pack mates.

Out of the corner of her eye, Applejack caught another diamond dog closing in behind Soft Speech. Without thinking, she leapt forward, twirling on her front hooves to bring her rear ones to bear. The well-practiced motion happened instinctively and instantly, her back legs uncoiling like compressed springs and throwing the dog even farther than the one Soft Speech had hit.

"That's four!" Applejack shouted triumphantly, grinning madly.

_Ah'm insane! This is dangerous! Ah could get mahself killed!_ The thoughts floated around the outskirts of her mind, yet a laugh slipped from her mouth.

It was that darned Wavedancer's fault, turning a fight for all of their lives into a competition. And, much like her blue-coated pegasus friend, Applejack had never been able to resist a challenge. She'd never admit it, but were it not for the salty unicorn, she would've spiraled into panic by now. Even the changeling invasion hadn't been this bad... those monsters had only wanted to capture them. Feed off of them.

But every last one of these dogs wanted her _dead_. And that intent alone was far more terrifying than a whole army of changelings.

So, instead, she found herself playing a game.

"Four?" Soft Speech grunted, putting her back to Applejack. "Soft Speech is at seven. You've got some catching up to do, farmer. Even the cheater's doing better than you."

"Oi!" Wavedancer called out, flinging aside another diamond dog she'd wrapped in the vines of a nearby tree. "It don' be cheatin' if I be usin' me own natural-born gifts!"

Applejack's eyes narrowed of their own accord, and she tipped her hat forward, ignoring the sting of the many cuts and scratches she'd endured so far. There couldn't be more than two dozen of them, howling as they prowled through the trees... but diamond dogs had a frustrating tendency to get back up from all but the most vicious, direct hits. At least none had managed to get back up after a solid buck from her hooves, so far.

Though, at this rate, even if their luck held, the minotaur and the unicorn would be tired out long before every dog went down.

Far too many of the canine guards were still standing for comfort. The only reason she and her group had not yet been overwhelmed was the forest itself. The thick underbrush and abundant tree-cover simply did not allow for more than a few dogs to fight them at once without getting in each other's way.

Some had tried to stand back and throw spears from a distance, but the few weapons that managed to not hit any trees or get snagged in the branches were quickly snatched up by Rarity's dexterous telekinetic grip and laid at her hooves.

"Gah! Bloody feather-duster!"

Applejack turned to see Wavedancer down on her knees, a crossbow bolt sticking out of her rear left leg. Some enterprising guarddog had finally flagged down a griffon or two to bring their weapons to bear. This was really bad... even Rarity wasn't fast enough to grab a crossbow bolt out of the air, nor was she strong enough to maintain a shield for any appreciable length of time.

Desperate, AJ lunged forward, trying to make it to the injured sea-mare before one of the diamond dogs got past the vines and finished her off while she couldn't dodge.

On the way, two more guarddogs barred her path, stabbing at her from between the trees. She was hopping backwards, ducking and weaving and trying to find a way past them, when she saw Fluttershy rush forward and catch Wavedancer's tail between her teeth.

One of the attacking dogs abandoned his spear to rip his way through a set of vines and charge, claws out. Applejack could see her timid friend trying to scramble backwards, never letting go of that tail.

"Surprise!" A white, winged blur dropped down from the trees, crashing hooves-first into the guarddog's helmet and jamming it unto his head below his eyes. The dog stumbled, then fell over backwards into a shallow ditch.

With the most immediate threat out of the way, Pinkie and Fluttershy finished dragging the injured unicorn to safety.

Applejack's sigh of relief at the sight was cut short by more howling, coming from their right. She could already see the approaching group of new diamond dogs, wearing blue tabards and led by a large figure clad entirely in red cloth.

_More of 'em?!_

The sound was devastating... a final blow to the morale of a beleaguered group, fighting a losing battle for their lives. She felt herself slump, the brief moment of weakness allowing one of the dogs enough leeway to put a long cut across her flanks, right over her cutie mark.

It wasn't the sting that brought tears to the corners of her eyes.

"Sorry, Twi..." she muttered. "We tried..."

Her flank bumped into a tree, blocking her movements.

A diamond dog raised his spear, snarling.

The world did not slow. Her life did not flash before her eyes.

Applejack simply stared, terror fighting resignation. The rest of the world lost focus as that sharpened steel tip gained definition.

A flash of red...

"What the hay?" Her mind tried to process the following series of events as well as it could, apparently deciding that the simple utterance was the most sensible reaction to what transpired.

The attacking diamond dog, spear and all, seemed to have simply disappeared. In his place, stood that massive, red-cloaked figure, holding an equally massive curved sword, its blunted edge gleaming dully in the filtered forest light. It stared at her through its veil for several moments before reaching up and ripping it off.

"G-General Rex?!"

The general was grinning fiercely, a fire in his eyes that she hadn't known was missing until this very moment. With a grace that seemed impossible for a dog of his... size, he casually deflected a spear thrust from the vanquished city guard's partner. Another motion, so fluid that it was nearly impossible to follow, and Rex's giant, dull sword impacted heavily against his enemy's chest-plate, denting it and sending the dog flying backwards to slam against a tree.

Neither dog got back up as the red cloaked general turned to face her.

"Sorry for cutting it so close, miss Applejack. This old dog isn't as fast as he used to be." He guffawed and slapped a paw to his belly, which was stretching the leather straps that held the steel cuirass in place to their limits.

Applejack could only continue to stare in mute astonishment as the general knelt down, took her front right hoof, and briefly pressed it to his forehead.

"General Rex reporting for duty, milady. You can take it easy now."

His little speech shocked her back to coherence, and she whipped her head up to look around. The dozen or so dogs that had been attacking them for what seemed like hours had all been laid low by the newly arrived forces in blue tabbards. Many were groaning, and some did not move at all. The thought churned her stomach, though she was able to push past it and look back at Rex.

"Aren't you being a little dramatic, general?" A sharp voice, barely disguising a teasing tone, caught their attention.

"Hah! Fine talk coming from a unicorn who charges into battle with her earth pony troops!"

Said unicorn emerged from the underbrush, smiling and leading two other ponies in white robes marked with red crosses over the cloth that covered their cutie marks.

"Lieutenant Gladius!" she yelped. "The others! Are they okay?"

The lieutenant nodded, "Captain Aegis and Rainbow Dash suffered only a few minor cuts. Actually, they were in the process of knocking the last griffon out of the sky when we caught up with them." She suddenly leaned forward, whispering, "Also, the captain was rather upset that your friend outmatched him in aerial knockouts. Don't tell him I told you."

Applejack sighed in relief, plopping down to the mulchy ground of the forest without ceremony or preamble.

"So, yes, they're fine," Gladius continued. "How about you, miss Applejack?"

"Ah think Ah'll be alright. Could do with a nap, Ah s'ppose."

Gladius chuckled, "You'll get your chance. First, though, you should accompany your friends to the field infirmary. All of you need to have your wounds cleaned and treated. Especially that unicorn."

With a reluctant sigh, Applejack got back on her hooves, walking alongside the general and the lieutenant toward the rest of her group. "Ah gotta say, general. Ah'm... kinda surprised to see ya'll here. Fightin' on our side."

General Rex grunted, turning to look out into some undefined spot among the trees. "One of your pegasi fought his way past my entire personal guard to come to me. Like you, he couldn't have thought that I would take up arms against my own Beta... he risked his life on a stupid bet. All because he'd heard I was... _am_ Windy's friend." He turned to look at her, "Where I come from, loyalty and courage of that magnitude are never to go unrewarded."

Applejack noticed Gladius nodding her head in agreement.

"Friends, huh...? Ah got the feelin' you an' he don't see eye t'eye all that much." The response left her before she thought it through, and she instantly regretted having said anything. Rex had just personally saved her life and all she could do was call his motives into question?

The general sighed and seemed to deflate, losing some of the vigor that had made him look like a younger dog, "We used to. I used to be just like him... I wanted nothing more than to fix the world, and my time with the Yeniçeris only convinced me I could. It's why I joined the Cauldron guard in the first place. I was gonna fight my way to the top and change everything, but..."

At this point, he stopped and tapped the side of his nose with a claw, a sad smile playing across his muzzle, "_Aðaç yas iken eðilir._"

Applejack's ear twitched at the guttural language, "Sorry... uhhh... what?"

"It's an old proverb. 'A green twig is easily bent'," he responded. "I was too young, ambitious, and naive. The world around me was too complex. I started to compromise... I thought, 'if it helps me reach the top, I can make up for it when I'm finally in charge'."

He stopped then, thinking for a while, before he finally spoke, "It wasn't 'till I saw Windy again... after all these years... that I realized it. All those little compromises... I gave away what I was bit by bit, until all that was left was a fat, old, _bent_ stick."

AJ stood next to him, unsure of what to say. Eventually, she settled for a simple, "Ah'm sorry..."

General Rex immediately perked up, the fiery grin resurfacing, "Don't be. That pegasus... Storm Front, right?"

Gladius nodded.

"I saw in him everything I used to be... everything Windy still is... and, I'll admit, it broke me. But that's how you straighten a bent stick, isn't it? You break it and put it together again the way it's supposed to be."

_Not really,_ she thought bemusedly, but held her peace this time.

Suddenly, a thought occurred to her, "Say... how're Twi an' Shawn doin'? You find 'em okay? How's the princess?"

Both guards stopped to stare at her and, for the first time in a while, Gladius spoke.

"Wait... what?"

* * *

"Oh, god, this was a terrible idea!" Shawn shouted as another bolt of dark magic missed him by inches.

There was no explosion at his feet where the spell hit the ground. Instead, the rock and sand beneath it simply ceased to exist, leaving a hole with perfectly smooth sides covered in frost.

He jumped as yet another bolt of that same magic whizzed by his head. Only The Shadow Nightmare's shadow...

_Okay, now that's just redundant..._

Only The Nightmare's shadow could be seen flying through the dust and ash. A mere glimpse was all the warning he got before each new bolt of magic nearly put a hole in him the size of a cantelope.

"Hang on, Shawn!" Twilight called out from somewhere nearby.

He barely had time to wonder what it was she wanted him to hang on _for_, before a mild, purple glow covered the ground. Moments later, large chunks of rock began to rise from the earth, forming a maze of useful cover just in time to save him from a third blast of freezing darkness.

"Why does _she_ get a disintegration beam?! I don't get one! This doesn't seem fair at all!"

The call attracted several more shots from The Nightmare, hopefully giving Twilight the time she needed to prep whatever spell she was planning on using to inject her magic into the demon that was trying to kill them.

_Huh... that sounds so much crazier than it did a minute ago._

Suddenly, the barrage stopped, leaving behind a grim silence. Upon further analysis, Shawn decided that he was not the least bit reassured by this change of pace. Then there was a thump, followed by the sound of heavy hoof-beats.

"Why must you insist on making this difficult?" The Nightmare's voice called out as it approached.

The dust parted, revealing the demon, tendrils of darkness sprouting from its wings, mane, and tail, slowly weaving back and forth through the air. To his left, Shawn saw a small, purple shape crouching near some rocks. Twilight nodded in his direction, and he gulped.

_I hate being the distraction._

"Oh, I don't know..." he responded, attempting to use sarcasm to disguise his fear. "Maybe because you're _trying to kill us?!_"

As expected, The Nightmare immediately looked in his direction. Instead of firing another bolt of magic, however, she simply smiled at him.

_What-?_

The cold tipped him off, and he dove forward to avoid the opaque tentacles of some sort of dark, many-mouthed horror that had sprouted from his own shadow. A corner of his mind registered one of the thing's limbs passing right through his ankle as he tumbled.

"Shawn, look out!" Twilight shouted from her hiding spot.

Apparently, in his efforts to avoid one unspeakable horror, he'd jumped right in front of another one. The Nightmare smiled lazily as two of the tendrils attached to its mane reached down and picked him up by the neck and waist. He struggled to no avail as it held him up, its smile turning into a knowing smirk.

It knew...

Somehow, he could tell that it knew what they were planning.

The shadow around his neck tightened, preventing him from crying out a warning as Twilight jumped from behind her cover.

"Shawn!"

Her horn exploded with pent up magical energies, the raw, swirling vortex blasting forth directly at the monster's side. The Nightmare reacted instantly, turning to put Shawn between itself and the spell Twilight had poured so much of her strength into. He saw her face turn into a mask of horror as his world was washed in purple, the pure magic flowing around and into him... the one being here who couldn't actually use it.

The spell was wasted, and The Nightmare wasted no time in capturing Twilight as well.

"Well... that was quite a waste," it lamented as it mantled both of its wings around them. "Still, 'waste not, want not.'"

Cold. Intense cold and darkness surrounded him.

* * *

"The answer is... nnnno," A young boy watched his father expectantly, waiting for his response.

The two sat in a comfortable, if not large, living room, working under the soft illumination of the little bit of late afternoon sunlight that filtered through the curtains. A lie detector lay on the table between them, dials and needles twitching constantly as the boy scratched uncomfortably at the wires that connected him to it.

Henry Spencer sighed. "Wrong again."

_Is this... me?_

Shawn watched from above as a younger version of himself covered his face with a palm in frustration. He wondered if this was another dream like the others he could now recall... a memory corrupted by The Nightmare into a form of psychological torture. Would his father once again sit by and laugh as a dark beast consumed him.

"Shawn, I knew you were lying." Henry looked into his son's eyes, "You have to _believe_ the lie. Don't sweat. Feel your heart." He brought a hand to his chest, as if to illustrate the point.

"Dad... this... this feels a _little_ unethical-"

"Trust me, Shawn," Henry interrupted. "There'll come a day, unfortunately, when this might be necessary. Perhaps... working... cover..."

The old cop's voice faded, as yet another scene unfolded before him.

Two children, no more than ten years old, stood arguing at the back of a stage, a stack of chairs providing an impromptu table for the one in the long purple coat.

"I got scared!" Young Gus protested, dressed in a shiny red jumpsuit and sporting an afro.

"You were supposed to be Billy Ocean!" Young Shawn accused. "Why would Micheal Jackson sing with Roland Orzabal?!"

Shawn remembered this, too. The question was, why was he seeing all these things from his past now?

"Why would Billy Ocean sing with Roland Orzabal?!"

"'Cause he's awesome!"

_That's right, he is, little me! You tell him!_

Another scene change, this one faster than the last.

A bar, not that long ago. Shawn saw an adult version of himself sitting alone at a table, as some crazy-looking middle-aged woman dragged Juliet over to him.

"This is a speed dating first!" the lady laughed. "You and you, are a one-hundred-percent match from your personality questionnaires!" She inhaled excitedly, "I smell love!" The lady smiled cheerfully at the couple, then walked away, leaving them to their own devices.

They laughed nervously, glancing at each other, then glancing away shyly. The moment built, the two opened their mouths, ready to confess their true-

"I need a drink."

"I gotta pee."

Shawn watched as he and Jules walked away from each other, mentally slamming his head repeatedly into the nearest wall.

_Maybe The Nightmare_is_trying to torture me..._

Another scene, this one of him, Gus, Juliet, and detective Lassiter standing around, chatting amiably. A rare moment for them. The memories came more and more quickly, rushing through both the trivial and defining moments of his life as he interacted with the most important people in it.

His friends and family.

* * *

"Shawn!"

A voice... familiar. Comforting.

"Shawn!"

He'd fallen asleep doing... something. Something very important. The memory teased at the edges of his mind, waiting for a prompt of some sort to jostle it back into place. Another frustrated shout, and the prompt arrived in the form of a hard, smooth surface repeatedly smacking him across the face.

"Ow- OW! Alright, I'm up, I'm up!" Shawn shielded his face with his arms, surging forward into a sitting position as his previously invisible assailant sat back on her haunches.

"Sorry... I was afraid you'd..." Twilight let the thought trail off.

"I'd what?"

She rubbed at the back of her neck, "That spell shouldn't have worked on you. In fact, without an existing pool of compatible magic to merge with, the magic should have just dissipated harmlessly into the air." The mare turned to meet his eyes, "But it didn't... and I thought between the shock of absorbing that much magic, then getting brought here... you wouldn't wake up..."

"Oh..." he breathed out, choosing to ignore the implication and taking a moment to look around, instead. "Where are we, anyway?"

Everything, as far as he could see, was black. It was disorienting, at first... had he not been able to feel some sort of floor beneath him, he wouldn't have been able to tell it was there. In fact, the overall effect was such that area they were in could have been the size of a bedroom or the universe. Nevertheless, both Twilight and he were as easily visible as if they'd been standing outside on a sunny day, though there was no discernible source of light anywhere to be found.

"I..." Twilight looked around as well, shaking her head as she likely ran across the same headache-inducing perception of infinity. "I think we're _inside_ the nightmare."

"We got _eaten_?!"

She thought about it for a moment more and shook her head again, "No... I don't think we've been absorbed the same way that earth pony and the princess were. In fact, I'm pretty sure this is The Nightmare's mindscape, and we're here as astrally projected ethereal golems-"

"You lost me at mindscape, Sparky."

Twilight sighed, then spoke again, but more slowly, "We're here in spirit form and our real bodies are probably still lying at The Nightmare's hooves."

Shawn winced, hardly daring to imagine what violent atrocities his real self might be suffering at The Nightmare's whims when a thought struck him. "Wait... how would you even know? I sure don't _feel_ like a ghost..."

"Not ghosts, astra-" she paused, narrowing her eyes at him in annoyance. "Just... look." The statement was followed by a generic gesture at his body.

A glance at himself revealed the truth. He was no longer dressed in the well-worn pants and vest Rarity had designed for the party, but rather in his old jeans, green polo, and sneakers that he'd first come to this world in. A quick check on his pockets confirmed that they were completely empty. He was literally here with only the clothes on his back. And even those were apparently fake... along with this body.

"Well, this is just great. Why would the thing even bother to do this? Why not just absorb us like it did the others?"

"I... don't know..." Twilight admitted, rather ruefully. "It's clearly gone insane. It could be any one of a million reasons. Or no reason at all. None of this makes any sense."

Shawn wasn't so sure about that. He didn't disagree with Twilight's diagnosis of insanity... but, so far, at least, The Nightmare's actions had a certain logic behind them. A twisted reasoning that he thought he'd finally managed to wrap his brain around. Until this.

With a shrug, he picked a random direction and started walking, startling his fellow inmate in this weird mental prison.

"Wha- wait!" Twilight trotted to catch up, giving him a reproachful look. "Don't just go running off! We don't know what dangers could be lurking here! It _is_ the mind of an evil shadow entity. Do you even have any idea of where you're going?"

He replied with another shrug, "Way I look at it, Sparky: The Nightmare probably dragged us in here for a reason. What that could be, I don't know... but I do know that we're not going to get anything done if we sit around hoping it'll spit us back out and give itself up."

His four-legged partner blushed sheepishly at the mild rebuke, then nodded, "I suppose not..." She grinned up at him, "But _this_ time, you have my blessing to blow this place up if you can."

Shawn laughed, then winced, "Oooo... I don't know, Sparky... it's not _nearly_ as fun when I'm _allowed_ to do it."

The comment earned him a solid kick in the shin, forcing Twilight to wait for him to finish hopping about in pain like an idiot before they could keep going.

After about ten minutes of walking, Shawn was starting to suspect they were slowly going nowhere. With no landmarks or distinguishing features to guide them, they may as well have been traveling blind. For all he knew, they'd been going in tiny, little circles this whole time.

"Shawn!"

Twilight's ears twitched at the indistinct shout, her head swiveling toward the source. Out of the blackness, a shape coalesced as a tall, dark-skinned, bipedal figure ran into view.

"Oh my god... GUS?!" Shawn's incredulous exclamation was quickly followed up by manic laughter, as he ran to meet his childhood friend. Twilight's pleas for caution went unheard.

Wrapping Gus in an affectionate hug, Shawn picked him up and spun around a few times before putting him down.

"Shawn, what the hell is this place?!"

"What are you doing here, buddy?!"

"I've been stuck here for ages, ever since you chased that creepy guy in the trench coat into the lab!"

"It's a reeeaaally long story, I'll tell you about it later!"

The two friends shouted questions at each other, followed by answers, followed by more questions, never actually stopping to let the other talk. Yet, somehow, they understood each other. That's what best friends did, after all.

"Shawn..." Gus had stopped listening, and was looking warily at a spot behind his friend's shoulder. "Why is there a tiny, purple unicorn standing behind you?"

Puzzled for a moment at Gus's reaction, Shawn suddenly remembered that tiny, purple unicorns were not, in fact, a common fact of life for everyone. "Gus, meet my temporary assistant: Merlin Gandledore." Turning to the pony, he continued, "Twilight, this is my regular assistant: Gumshoe McCueball."

"I am _not_ your assistant, Shawn!" The two shouted in tandem, then stopped to stare at each other.

Out of the two, Twilight was the first to blink and step forward, "My _real_ name is Twilight Sparkle. Nice to meet you... Gus?" She offered a hoof.

"Why is that horse talking to me?" Gus backed up, eyeing the extended hoof in abject terror. "You know I don't like talking horses, Shawn."

While Twilight was busy looking affronted at being called a horse, Shawn slapped his left hand to his forehead, "Riiiiight, the Mr. Ed incident..." He turned to give Twilight an apologetic look, "Sorry... the guy has one bad experience at a carnival and he's suddenly scarred for life."

"I had to get 27 stitches, Shawn! Not to mention the psychological scarring that led to years of horrible nightmares!" Gus shuddered, "I can still hear the neighing... that dreaded neighing laughter..."

Shawn sighed, putting a hand on Gus's shoulder and looking him in the eyes, "Look... I promise I'll explain everything later... but, right now, there's a really bad... thing... that's going to hurt a lot of people unless we get out of this creepy nightmare land." He pointed at Twilight, who was still staring sullenly at the two, "And she's the _only_ one who can help us do that."

Gus glared at him for a full half minute before finally exhaling and nodding, "Fine... this is all probably a really elaborate dream I'll wake up from later, anyway."

"That's right, buddy, you live that dream."

"That's-" Twilight started, but was quickly cut off by Gus.

"That's not even slightly the appropriate use for that turn of phrase, Shawn." His friend finished, sulking less than Shawn would have expected.

"Are you two done?" Twilight grumbled, a strange note of irritation tinging her tone.

"One sec," Shawn answered before turning back to Gus. "Is there anyone else here with you?"

"Just the monsters," he replied.

Shawn stared at him askance, "Monsters? What monsters?"

There was an ear-piercing screech, and the thing that The Nightmare had conjured up to chase them out of Twilight's rocks rushed out of the darkness, distinguishable only by the shifting outlines of lighter black against the pure black of the landscape.

"_Those_ monsters!" Twilight shouted, ears back.

Shawn, however, did not hear her, as he was already busy running and screaming in tandem with his new-found, old friend.

_Just like the good ol' days_, he couldn't help but think.

A clatter of hooves announced Twilight catching up to the two of them, her four legs letting her easily outmatch their two when it came to raw speed. Not that Shawn and Gus were particularly speedy representatives of their species.

Then again, neither was Twilight.

Interestingly enough, the monster seemed to be only just fast enough to keep up with the two running humans, maintaining a relentless chase that herded the whole group toward an unknown destination.

One that was made abundantly clear when a giant, grey cage rose up out of the darkness, iron chains wrapped around its bars and anchoring it to the invisible floor. Within it, resided princess Celestia, standing vigil over what appeared to be the unconscious body of the red-maned earth pony that The Nightmare had first absorbed.

The princess noticed them at the same time, looking up with a startled expression that quickly shifted to hopeful eagerness.

"Princess!" Twilight shouted and surged forward, leaving Shawn and Gus in her metaphorical dust.

As the two caught up, several things became immediately apparent to Shawn. One, the cage itself seemed to be soundproof, as Celestia's lips were clearly moving in spite of the fact that nothing could be heard. Second, there were no obvious entrances or exits on its face... just stone bars and iron chains. And third...

"Sparky! The monster!" Shawn screamed as he dashed past, panting from the long run.

"Right!" She whipped around, ears down and an embarrassed, nervous smile on her face. "Sorry!" Her horn glowed as she snorted and set her hooves, causing Gus to yelp and attempt to put Shawn between himself, the monster, and the talking, magical mini-horse.

A blast of purple magic lit the immediate vicinity, passing right through the creature as if it wasn't even there. Which, for all the effect the spell had on the thing, it may as well not have been.

"Uh oh..." Twilight gulped, backpedaling to where Shawn and Gus stood, not quite against the wall. The unnatural cold that emanated from its surface had convinced them that touching it was a bad idea.

The amorphous mass of teeth and tentacles slowed its pace, advancing more carefully now that its prey had nowhere to go. It oriented what Shawn thought to be its front toward Twilight, then lunged at the unicorn, letting loose another unearthly screech.

There was a heavy thump, and the creature tumbled sideways into the dark from whence it came. In its place stood a panting Applejack, sweat pouring from her face and sides. She turned a happy grin towards them.

"Well, howdy everyone! Looks like Ah made it in the nick o' time!" She smiled at the stunned faces around her.

"Applejack!" Twilight shouted gleefully and rushed forward, wrapping her friend in her own hug, much as Shawn had done with Gus. "Where are the others?!"

Shawn's gaze was drawn to the numerous scratches and bruises on the farmer's previously pristine coat, the dark discolorations of bruises beneath clashing starkly with its pastel orange hue.

Applejack's smile gained a mixture of sadness and worry, "Sorry, suga'cube, Ah ain't rightly sure. We caught up with ya'll just as The Nightmare did somethin' that left you out cold. We tried to fight it... but it got to Dash an' Pinkie 'afore Aegis and the rest o' his guards caught up. Last Ah saw, all the others were still fightin' it when Ah got caught mahself."

A frantic tapping at his shoulder distracted Shawn from the next thing she said.

"Shawn!" Gus whispered frantically in his ear.

He turned and whispered back, "What?!"

"There's another horse, Shawn! How many more of these things are going to show up?!"

"I don't know... two or three?"

"Two or-?!" Gus glared at him, "How can I even be sure any of this is real?! For all I know, you could turn into Freddie Krueger at any moment and scare me awake!"

Shawn stared at him for a moment, then flicked him on the nose.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?!"

"Now you know this isn't a dream. Dreams don't hurt."

Gus thought about this for a moment, before sullenly muttering, "You could still be Freddie Krueger. He killed people in their dreams."

"Would that really be so bad? If I was Freddy, that'd make you John Saxon."

"Saxon? Why do I have to be Saxon? Why can't I be Johnny Depp?"

Shawn raised an eyebrow at his friend, "Gus, the only one here who could pull off young Depp is moi. Besides, why _wouldn't_ you want to be Roper? Playboy-gambler martial artist on the run from the mob fits you to a tee."

"You know _dat's_ right." Gus asserted, standing a bit taller and completing the requisite peace-offering fist bump.

"Awww hay... another one?!"

He and Gus turned to see Applejack, displaying an expression that could only be interpreted as tortured dismay at the two humans. Twilight, curiously enough, was silently glaring at their connected fists.

_This is getting ridiculous._

"Okay, you know what?!" Shawn finally shouted, exasperated. "We're stuck in the mind of a demonic other-worldly being and _none of this is helping_." He glared first at his childhood friend, then the farm-pony. "Sparky and I have a plan to get us all out of here, and I promise we'll explain everything when we do. In the meantime, though, just... please... save your questions for the end of the lecture and _either help out or shut up_."

The two newcomers to The Nightmare's mind stared at him, then looked away sheepishly.

"Okay, Sparky... you've got the floor on this one."

Twilight had been staring at him too, though her astonishment was flavored with the tiniest bit of respect. Or, at least, that's how Shawn liked to think of it.

"Okay..." she nodded and turned to the cage. "First thing we need to do is get the princess out of there."

Celestia was still standing, clearly having realized that sound was unable to pass through the strange stone and iron that imprisoned her. At some point during their arguments, she'd moved up to stand just on the other side of the bars. She was waving a wing at them in a strange gesture, as if she wanted them to get closer.

"What's she doing?" Gus asked from over his shoulder.

"I... I don't know..." Twilight replied, ears down and head tilted at her mentor.

Shawn thought for a second, "Maybe she wants to talk to us and thinks we can fit between the bars?" He tried to mime to the princess that the bars were not nearly far apart enough for such an endeavor and received the world's most blatantly confused expression for his troubles.

"That's just' ridiculous... s'more like she cain't see the bars, Ah'm guessin'. Ah get the feelin' we shouldn't be touchin' 'em, though. They're givin' me a bad case o' the shivers jus' standin' this close," Applejack commented, then looked over at Twilight. "Maybe ya'll can break'em?"

The unicorn fixed her gaze on the ground, contemplating the thought. After a minute, she looked back up, her features set into determined lines, "I don't know... but I have to try!"

Bold declaration clearly bolstering her morale, Twilight set her hooves into an aggressive stance and pawed at the ground, snorting. Her horn began to glow, then her eyes, beads of sweat quickly forming on her brow as she concentrated on the spell.

While the others were mesmerized by the building display of power, Shawn took a moment to observe the cage more closely. It seemed strange to him that The Nightmare would imprison Celestia in such a way as to leave the sun princess' powers unavailable to it. For that matter, it had already been in control of her abilities for a few minutes before losing them to whatever she had done.

Motion from the other side of the bars caught his attention. If he didn't know better, he could swear that Celestia was trying to motion for Twilight to stop. Did the princess not understand what Twilight was doing? Or... could it be that _they_ didn't understand...

_Just who's being fooled here?_

"Twilight, stop!" he shouted, lunging forward to shove her head away from the cage.

The mare squawked in surprise, the magical light emanating from her horn fading all at once.

"Shawn, what are you doing?!" she and Applejack shouted at the same time.

In response, he merely pointed to Celestia, who was still frantically waving and shaking her head at them.

"Something's wrong. We need to think things through, Sparky," he looked into her eyes, pleading.

"Seriously?! Shawn, ya'll're jus' bein' paranoid now! If we don' get princess Celestia outta there, we might be stuck here forever!" Applejack shouted angrily at him.

Gus gulped audibly, "I don't like the sound of that, Shawn... maybe you should just let the magical, talking horse do her thing."

He ignored them, continuing to stare into Twilight's eyes.

"Shawn..." she started, but was interrupted by a horrific screech. The whole group turned to face outward, trying vainly to see through the blackness. More wails started up, clearly getting closer, and the outlines of dozens of copies of the creature that had chased them here started to form.

Twilight's expression became resolute, and she pushed him away with a hoof, using her greater mass to move him back. "We don't have time for this, Shawn. You're the one who told me that sometimes you have to take risks to get things done." She looked back toward the cage, "Well... it's time to take a risk."

Her horn began to glow again and Shawn grimaced, facing away from her to see that Applejack had set herself between them and the advancing creatures.

_Maybe she's right... I'm probably just being para-_

The thought was interrupted by a prickling between his shoulder blades. He turned to see Celestia, tears at the corners of her eyes, which were begging him to... to what?

A scene replayed itself in his head:

_As expected, The Nightmare immediately looked in his direction. Instead of firing another bolt of magic, however, she simply smiled at him._

What-?

_The cold tipped him off, and he dove forward to avoid the opaque tentacles of some sort of dark, many-mouthed horror that had sprouted from his own shadow. A corner of his mind registered it when one of the thing's many limbs passed right_through_his ankle as he tumbled._

He blanched... thinking harder.

_The amorphous mass of teeth and tentacles slowed its pace, advancing more carefully now that its prey had nowhere to go. It oriented what Shawn thought to be its front toward Twilight, then lunged at the unicorn, letting loose another unearthly screech._

_There was a heavy thump, and the creature tumbled sideways into the dark from whence it came. In its place, stood a panting Applejack, sweat pouring from her face and sides. She turned a happy grin towards them._

Shawn looked between his friends, both old and new, then made a snap decision.

"Sparky, to your left!" he shouted.

The unicorn flinched, whipping around to face the fake threat. The moment she was unbalanced, Shawn charged. Memories of a few days spent training with a pro-football team while on a case rose to the surface as he rushed forward in a text-book dive tackle. Despite his greater momentum and her flat-hoofed stance, Twilight almost didn't fall, her four legs and low center of gravity resisting his efforts to overcome her inertia.

However, she tripped over her own hooves in her surprise, and they fell into the bitterly cold bars... then right through them onto the floor.

Clearly furious, Twilight stood up and grabbed him in a field magic, lifting him upside-down to glare into his eyes, "What the hay do you think you're doing, Shawn?!"

In response, he merely pointed to something behind her shoulder.

"Ahem..." said something coughed.

Suddenly, Twilight seemed to become aware of their surroundings again. Shawn could see that she was noticing the same thing he had: From this side of the bars, things looked a lot different. In fact, there appeared to be no cage at all, but rather an opaque, golden half-dome. The floor they stood on shone with a soft light that suffused the entire area.

"Twilight..."

The unicorn finally turned from her amazed inspection of her surroundings to the soft voice behind her, squeaking in surprise at its source, "P-P-Princess Celestia!"

The princess raised an eyebrow at her student, turning her bemused gaze toward Shawn. "Perhaps it would be best if you put Shawn down, before he passes out from the blood rushing to his head?"

Twilight squeaked again, nearly dropping him in her haste to put him down. "But... how... what...?" she stuttered.

Celestia sighed, managing to nearly look her age in her weariness, and admitted, "I... made a terrible mistake, my student."

Taking a moment to collect himself, Shawn got back on his feet, listening to the princess' story.

"I fell into the monster's trap," she continued. "The only thing stopping it from burning the world to ashes like it promised is a stop-gap measure I developed over my sister's thousand years of exile... in case anything like that ever happened again. It has allowed me to seal away my own power and spirit. However, I am now trapped within The Nightmare, and its assault upon my defenses is _constant_."

She stopped to smile at him, "If Shawn had not stopped you... I am not sure I could have withstood your combined assault. As it is, I am uncertain as to how much longer I can last like this."

Twilight blanched, "I-I'm so sorry, princess! I thought you were trapped... I was trying to free you!"

"I understand, Twilight," Celestia responded, shifting her beatific smile to her student. "Shawn is the only one of us that The Nightmare has yet to fool, it seems."

At the word _us_, Twilight turned, panic in her eyes. "The others! Where's Applejack?!"

Celestia pointed a hoof at the edge of the shield, where dozens of horrors, Gus, and Applejack stood and stared directly at them... eyes vacant.

"Wooo... that's _creepy_," Shawn shuddered.

"What happened to them?" Twilight whispered, similarly disturbed.

"They're fakes," he stated simply, before the princess could answer.

The unicorn and the alicorn turned to face him, the latter nodding in encouragement.

"You said it yourself, Sparky. We're in The Nightmare's mind... a place fully under its control. It must have pulled AJ and Gus out of our memories, using them and the monsters to try to trick us... trick _you_ into helping it break Celestia's shield. It's why those things kept showing up at just the wrong times. And why AJ was able to kick them, when the one that attacked me out in the real world swung its tentacle right through my foot."

He grimaced, "All the signs were there... I just can't believe it took me so long to see them."

"That you saw them with enough time to act is boon enough," Celestia stated, before turning to grimace at the creatures watching through her shields. "However, this will not do. It is only a matter of time before my seal wears thin under The Nightmare's assault... and there is nothing that we can do from within it."

"What if we combined our magic?" Twilight asked, a familiar, stubborn look in her eyes.

The princess shook her head, "You have spent so much of your strength already, Twilight. The strain would almost certainly kill you, with only a marginal possibility of success. I could never let you do that, much less ask you to."

"If only I hadn't missed with that spell..." her protégé lamented with a groan. "Now all of that magic is stuck out there, in Shawn's body... and the worst part is, I don't even know why!"

Both of Celestia's eyebrows rose at that, "He absorbed your magic? That... should be impossible."

"Tell me about it," Twilight muttered, then looked up, abashed. "I-I mean... you're right, princess. Sorry."

Celestia only shook her head, frowning, "Please... Twilight... I would prefer for you to call me by my name, at least. There is little use standing on ceremony and decor during such a dire situation as this."

The student frowned along with her mentor, face scrunched in thought, "There are just so many things I don't understand. How did Shawn absorb my magic? How did The Nightmare come back? How did it know to shield him from my location spells?"

"Actually... I can answer that last question for you," the sun princess interrupted. "It was not The Nightmare that shielded him, but my own spell, cast on an item he carried. One even he did not know was of such import."

_Guess that pebble was more than just a tracking device_, he thought ruefully.

Twilight stared at her teacher in shock, "You?! But... why?!"

Celestia flinched, "At the time, I had hoped to make our enemy truly believe that Shawn acted of his own volition. To that end, he needed to be able to realistically avoid detection by it, you, and the other unicorn mages with you. It took a lot of power, but I was able to weave enough strength into the spell to keep his location secret from everyone. Not that it mattered, in the end..."

"I... I still don't understand. Why didn't you tell any of us? Why didn't you tell _me_?"

The look in Celestia's eyes was so tortured, Shawn almost stepped in. Almost. Admittedly, a big part of the reason he didn't was because he wanted to know, too.

"Oh, Twilight... I could not. While I did not suspect the true nature of The Shadow at the time, I recognized its cunning. Your actions had to seem genuine to more than just casual inspection..." the princess paused to smile sadly. "I am proud to say that you were never the best of liars, my student."

Ponyville's resident librarian and Element of Magic, Twilight Sparkle, struggled to reconcile the loving, motherly teacher she knew with the cunning, well-intentioned manipulator before her. Shawn could see it, in every twitch of her eye, ever wrinkle of her snout, and every short intake of breath.

Throughout all of this, the princess remained silent, watching her student work through issues she had no doubt wanted to broach with more time and tact.

Eventually, Twilight sighed. "Is there really _nothing_ we can do?"

Celestia opened her mouth, as if to say something, then seemed to change her mind. She looked away and responded in a tired tone, "Even if you were to exit the shield, The Nightmare would only take you both. At best, it would simply destroy you. At worst..." The rest was left unsaid.

A sudden thought struck Shawn.

"Uhhh... what's stopping it from stomping our bodies into paste out in the real world?" he asked.

Princess Celestia looked back at them, understanding dawning on her face. "It... did not absorb you... you are here as projections..." she muttered. A deep pain, tinged with regret, overtook her features, and Shawn suspected he _really_ wouldn't like her answer. In fact, he suspected the princess thought their bodies already destroyed.

For her part, Twilight stood silently, attempting to show courage in the face of the knowledge of her own likely demise. Tears prickled at the corners of her eyes.

Shawn stood in numb contemplation. To be honest, he had fully expected himself to go into panic mode by this point. Death... had never been an easy thing for him to deal with. The death of a stranger was coped with through wildly inappropriate humor, as if defying the gravity of the event could somehow reduce its tragedy. The death of a pet, much less a friend... or himself... well, he'd never been able to stomach the thought. To the point of outright denial, in fact.

Which, he realized, was where he stood now. He refused to acknowledge it. Not when there was still a chance that their bodies remained unharmed. That he could fix all of this. Somehow, he _would_ fix all of this. Even if he had to make a deal with the devil itself.

_But not from in here._

His gaze drifted back to the edge of the shield, his mind aware of the princess draping a tender, comforting wing over the withers of her precious student. Her daughter, in almost every sense. His friend.

The first step was hard. The second less so. The third... easy.

He knew everything would become _far_ more difficult the moment he stepped out of that shield. In all likelihood, every single being he'd become friends with during his time here would end up hating him. But, if that's what it took...

His father's words came back to him.

_"You have to_believe_..."_

Celestia and Twilight looked up just in time to see him step into the other side of the fragile bubble of light. Far too late to stop him, or even shout a simple, "No!"

He flinched, expecting the shadow creatures to rush him, but they only continued to stare. Their unsettling gazes dug at the foundations of his sanity, slowly stripping away the bravado that had carried him beyond Celestia's protection.

"Well, well, well..." A patch of darkness coalesced into a floating pair of eyes, accompanied by a manic, fanged grin. "If it isn't the 'alien psychic detective'. Come to beg for your life? The lives of your friends? A quick death?"

The disconcerting vision nearly startled him from his conviction... until he banished his fear with the realization that The Nightmare, in its efforts to scare him, had accidentally mimicked a character from one of his very favorite childhood tales.

He crossed his arms, "Actually, I came to make a deal."

The face stared at him in genuine surprise, before turning several flips in the air as it laughed. "A _deal_?! What could you possibly have to offer me?"

Shawn mustered his most confident smile and suppressed a shiver, "Oh, come on Cheshire. Those two in there," he hooked a thumb in the direction of the ponies he'd left behind, "can't be the only ones who're tired. I bet you've got a lot of strong, angry ponies coming your way very soon, and there's a good chance you'll lose if they gang up on you while you're weak. Plus, Twilight's recovering pretty quickly in there..."

The Nightmare stared at him, its eyes glowing an unearthly, bluish hue. "That last bit," it said, vicious grin growing wider, "was a lie. Even if it was a rather clever one."

That shiver... The Nightmare was doing something similar to what Celestia had done. It would be able to tell if he believed what he said to be the truth. That was fine by him.

"Fine," he admitted, raising his hands. "But that means you know the rest of it wasn't."

The grin never faded, though the eyes were half-lidded in thought. "So, then?"

He closed his eyes and breathed. In. Out. In...

"I'll help you disable and capture the other Elements, if you promise to spare our lives. Just send us to my world and burn this one."

The eyes narrowed, "You expect me to simply relinquish my vengeance for the sake of convenience?"

"No. Think about it: Wouldn't death be a blessing after watching their world burn? Otherwise, they'll spend the rest of their lives knowing that they were helpless as you utterly destroyed everything they loved. Celestia, the rest of eternity. There _are_ fates worse than death... you should know."

The Nightmare stared, while he resolutely met its gaze.

_I'll save them. Even if they hate me for it._

It started to laugh. "Did you hear that, Celly?!" it called out to the princess behind him. "Your precious pet has condemned you to the same fate that _I_ suffered. Oh, how_grand_!"

Shawn flinched and turned. Twilight and Celestia stared at him in open horror, shocked betrayal plain on their faces. Though The Nightmare had obviously made it so they could hear him, he could still not hear them.

Still... it nearly broke his heart when he saw Twilight mouth the word, 'Why?!'

He turned back to The Nightmare's floating face, inches from his own.

"You'll be happy to know that your body remains untouched. I had planned to hold it hostage... but this is far, _far_ better."

Shadows began to swirl around him, covering first his legs, then his abdomen. The process was painfully cold... like frostbite creeping its way up toward his head.

"I'll return you to it. You'll lure the other Elements to me, and I'll banish you all back to your world... as soon as they finish watching me destroy this one, of course."

"Of course," Shawn managed to grunt between gritted teeth, as the shadows covered his eyes.

Once again, darkness took him.

* * *

Shawn awoke to the sounds of hoofsteps.

His back ached, particularly a spot that had apparently been lying atop a shard of rock as his spirit wandered through the disturbed recesses of an insane demon's mind. At least the sun was back to normal, probably due to Luna's efforts.

"Twi! Shawn!"

Applejack's distinct southern twang tore through the stillness of the wasteland he had found himself thrust back into. Below him, a tendril of shadow wiggled its way into the cracks between rocks.

He sighed, his voice cracking as he sat up and uttered the last thing he wished to at that moment, "Over here!"

His shout echoed through the ash and dust, which had somehow not yet settled or been blown away.

Wingbeats this time. A blast of wind rustled his hair as a cyan blur rushed past and doubled back to land before the sleeping body of Twilight Sparkle.

"Is she...?!" Rainbow Dash asked him, panic in her voice.

"She's fine," he interrupted, weary. "Just out from exhaustion."

The hoofbeats grew closer as Dash suddenly leapt forward, pulling him into a crushing hug, wings mantled around him in a protective gesture.

"I'm so glad you guys are okay!" her voice shook, muffled by the fur just below her neck that his face was pressed against.

Shawn got the feeling she was barely holding back tears of relief, though he said nothing. Instead, he simply patted her back. Hopefully, she'd figure out that he needed to breathe before he passed out from lack of oxygen.

"Dash?! Twi?! Shawn?! Ya'll over here?!"

Applejack's call snapped Dash out of whatever had come over her, and the pony suddenly let go, wiping at her eyes with a foreleg.

"Sorry," she laughed nervously. "That was so uncool... uhhh... please don't tell them I did that..."

"Your secret's safe with me, Skittles. That'll be twenty bits, though."

She punched him in the shoulder just as a group of ponies appeared from beyond the dust. Lead by Applejack, with the rest of the Elements following behind her. Aegis and Gladius brought up the rear, several unicorn guards spreading out into the surrounding area in wary stances.

"It's alright, guys," he lied. "The Nightmare's gone. Celestia's sealing it in stone as we speak."

"Well, that's a relief," the cap'n breathed out, surprising the guards around him with his immediate relaxation. It hurt Shawn to see how much even Aegis had come to trust him.

"Oh my goodness, what happened to Twilight?!" Fulttershy rushed forward, pressing a hoof to the unicorn's neck.

"She's just asleep, Fluttershy," Dash asserted, and the others relaxed. "I guess this means we won, huh?"

"Yeah... we managed to warn the princess in time," he responded, breathing in.

"Well, Ah'll be. Never thought Ah'd be the one sayin' this, Shawn... but mighty fine job! If it weren't for you, who knows what could'a happened?" Applejack trotted forward, a genuine smile on her lips.

"Sorry..." he breathed out.

"Wuzzat, suga'cube? Ya'll need to speak u-" Applejack froze in horror as tendrils of darkness rose from her shadow and held still.

The rest of the group had gone quiet, too, which Shawn knew meant The Nightmare had probably managed to ensnare all of them with the spell.

"He was apologizing for betraying you, I believe," The dark shape of The Nightmare rose from the ground, that same, manic grin still plastered on its face. "Although you all really should be thanking him. After all, he bargained rather skillfully to save your lives... and all at the negligible cost of the life of everything else on this world."

Shawn ignored it as their shocked stares turned to tears and glares of anger. He said nothing, even when Applejack tore her muzzle free of her shadow's grasp and shouted at him, "_How could you_?! Ya two-timin' sonuva- mmph!"

Fangs pierced the back of his vest as The Nightmare pulled him to his feet, then settled a dark wing over his shoulder. His gaze remained fixed upon the ground, however, as he shoved his shaking hands into his pockets. He could still feel their eyes. Accusing him. Hating him.

"Well...?" he spat.

"Well what?" The Nightmare sighed, contentedly.

Shawn could practically hear the snapping of the last threads of its sanity as he asked, "Aren't you going to gloat?"

It hummed and giggled, "I suppose I could. I spent so long planning for this moment... I'm not entirely sure of what to say."

Suddenly, it whipped around, nearly throwing him off his feet. Without preamble, it approached the ponies and began to speak. "Do you know what it's like?" it asked.

The Nightmare waited, though it must have known they could not answer. Its own magic prevented it.

After an undue pause, she continued in a soft voice, "Do you know what it's like, to come into the world, fully formed, knowing that you were composed of everything your creator hated most about herself?"

The ponies shifted. It had been long enough that the anger had likely started to fade, only to be replaced by a growing fear.

"To watch, helpless, as she goes about, crafting beautiful nights for worthless scum that paid no heed to her time and her sacrifice. For your only source of sustenance to be the resentment, loneliness, and jealousy she could not consciously cope with?!" The Nightmare seemed to grow angrier at their silence, now beginning to shout.

"To finally have a chance at granting her deepest, darkest wish?! To take control and seek to show the world and her sister her truest self... her majesty... only to be banished?! Cast aside like a broken, unwanted tool?! A demon to be exorcised?!"

It froze, its mouth forming into a rictus as it began to laugh, "To wallow in failure for a thousand years, only to become precisely that upon my return? Of course I'm a demon... what else could I be? And what else does a demon do, but destroy everything around it?"

There was a brief silence as The Nightmare stared at the ponies it held. Shawn didn't know if it expected them to answer, but the unfocused look upon its face told him that it hardly mattered either way. Making his way over with heavy steps, he sighed and tapped it at its withers with his cast.

It turned, blinking owlishly at him for a second before sighing gleefully, "The seal is about to break, little human. You should turn away, lest your eyes be burned from their sockets by my impending radiance."

"For what it's worth," he replied, "I'm sorry your life sucked so bad."

He didn't even need to force himself to believe a lie to say it.

"Wha-?"

Its utterance was cut off when he shoved his entire left hand into her mouth. A flick of his fingers sent the little, red pebble it carried tumbling down its throat, and he withdrew the appendage before she could bite it off.

The Nightmare stumbled back, hacking and choking on the offending stone. It shook his head and glared at him, snarling in rage, "_You dare_?!"

Shawn only shrugged, too tired to summon any sort of witty one-liner.

"I'll... ugh... end you... h-heeee..." It stopped speaking as it realized something strange was happening to its body. Cracks were beginning to form, spilling a pure, golden light as they did, "W-what... did you...?"

"I just force-fed you a big, o'l dose of Celestia and Twilight's magic," he replied, watching as The Nightmare's shadowy body continued to break down. "Now, I'm only just starting to get this whole 'magic' thing... but I'm pretty sure that Twilight's spell didn't dissipate because it actually _did_ have a large pool of compatible magic to mix with: The pebble ol' Celly spent all that time pouring her power into so she could shield and track me. Now, all of that energy's probably getting used by the princess to wreak a little havoc on your insides."

The monster glared at him, raw hatred in its eyes. The emotion was so strong, it was almost as palpable as it had been in that strange limbo where it had first wiped away his memories.

He took a step back, then another, as The Nightmare advanced on him, tottering on its four legs. Its horn glowed with an unearthly darkness, clearly trying to form some sort of spell, then flickered and went out.

"T-This... this is _not_... over!" it cried, its voice rising in pitch to the consistency of nails on a chalkboard. "I-I did not... come... this f-far... for _this_..."

The light faded, as cracks started to reform.

_uh oh..._

Shawn could see the rest of the ponies were still struggling against their bonds, which meant he'd be getting no help from them. The only who'd made any headway against them was lieutenant Gladius, who seemed to be trying to use her magic to overcome the effects of The Nighmare's spell.

She managed to rip the tendrils away from her muzzle and shout, "Run!"

He did, and The Nightmare charged.

"Not towards us, you idiot!" she screamed in frustration, still struggling with the rest of her bonds.

"Well _say that_ next time!" Shawn yelled back, making a run for the rocks that remained from their first battle with the demon.

The steady canter of hoofbeats upon the scorched, rocky ground behind him suddenly faltered, losing their rhythm and slowing to a snail's pace. He turned to look at his pursuer from behind one of the rocks

It stood there, staring sullenly at him, yet clearly unable to move any further. Its expression was petulant, almost childlike in its anger and frustration as more and more cracks formed along its midnight coat.

"Just let it go, Nightmare!" Shawn pleaded from the safety of his rock. "I know that... I know that you've gone through a lot. The way you were born... the crap you had to put up with... no one deserves to go through what you did! But it's over... just let it go and let yourself rest... you deserve some rest... aren't you tired?"

There was a thump, and Shawn peeked around his cover to see that it had fallen over on its side, staring up at the sky and blinking in confusion.

"T-Tired... a nap sounds good..." it muttered.

Shawn stepped closer, leaning down to look upon a dark deity laid low.

It turned to look at him with eyes that were finally devoid of rage or hatred... simply a dim intelligence gasping out its final breaths. "Hurts..."

"Sorry..." It was all he could think of to say.

"I..." The Nightmare coughed, shuddering, then cried out as light burst from every single surface of its body. A light so brilliant, it instantly wiped away the tendrils of shadow that restrained the guards and the Elements and flung him back a good ten feet.

When the glow faded and everyone could see again, three figures remained where The Nightmare once stood. An unconscious, red maned pony, a shining avatar of the sun, and a very pissed-off Twilight Sparkle.

The unicorn stomped forward, huffing, twisted and kicked out with her right hoof, landing a solid blow right to his stomach that knocked him on his ass. "You _jerk_!" she shouted.

"Wait..." he wheezed, fighting to regain his breath. "I can... oof... explain."

"Don't bother," she spat. "We saw everything. It was making us watch!"

_Oh..._

"How could you risk your life like that, all by yourself?! It was arrogant, and reckless, and stupid, and selfish, and... and..." Twilight, seemingly running out of colorful adjectives and on the verge of tears, sighed, "... and I'm glad you're okay."

A soft glow lit the flustered pony from behind as Celestia approached, a brittle smile on the monarch's face. The rest of the ponies followed her, a confused but relieved hush having fallen over the group.

He made a mental note to get Sparky to have a talk with the princess about The Nightmare's final words. For all her vaunted age and wisdom, she wasn't doing a good job at hiding the fact that they'd obviously reopened some old, painful wounds. Right at that moment, however, the last thing everyone needed was a bout of depressing introspection from their leader and savior.

"I think my dearest student has quite thoroughly covered the nature of your behavior," Celestia laughed softly. "Well, Shawn? What do you have to say for yourself?"

Shawn sat, thinking and rubbing at his aching abdomen, before replying, "Eat this..."

The ponies glanced at each other, confusion plain on the multitude of faces.

Celestia, meanwhile, merely arched one royal eyebrow, "Pardon?"

"It was so perfect! And I missed it!" Shawn lamented as he got to his feet. "Maaaan... I never think of a good one-liner until _after_ I beat the bad guy!"

The silent stares of blatant astonishment were broken by a loud snort, calling everyone's attention just in time to see Pinkie Pie break down into a powerful fit of giggling. She was actually rolling around on the ground, kicking her hind legs helplessly into the air.

Not a pony or human there stood a chance against that, and, soon snickers became chuckles, chuckles became chortles, and everyone was laughing in their immense relief at simply being alive. Even the guards.

Shawn turned when a hoof tapped at his shoulder, and he found himself face to upside-down face with a floating Pinkie Pie. She smiled widely, flipped around, and wrapped him in a big hug, which would have been fine with him by this point, considering everything that had happened. Unfortunately, she apparently forgot to keep her wings moving, which resulted in Shawn having to carry her full weight for about three seconds, before he collapsed under the strain.

"Oopsie!" she laughed... though he noticed she didn't let go. "Come on, guys! Group hug!"

"Oh, god, wait!" he tried to shout, but it was too late.

Most of the rest of the Elements piled on, laughing, crying, and generally being happy to be together again. Their attitudes were infectious, and in spite of his initial reservations, he was soon laughing as well, sitting between Dash and Twilight as they all faced each other in a circle.

"Ya'll are a real piece o' work, ya know that?" Applejack spoke up from just outside the group, giving him a level look past the rest of her friends.

"Uhhh-"

"Ah ain't never been fooled by nopony's lies afore. Element of Honesty an' all that," she barreled on, not letting him speak. "But, for a little while, I really did _believe_ ya'll had betrayed us to The Nightmare."

"Appleja-"

"An'... I jus' wanted to say... Ah'm sorry," the farmer finished, speeding up her speech. "Ah should'a known better. 'Specially after everythin' ya'll've risked for us, even though you jus' got here, an' ya don't really know us all tha-"

"AJ!" Shawn shouted, this time interrupted her.

She stopped with a start and finally met his eyes.

"I think Pinkie's still waiting for you to join the hug," he pointed out, hooking a thumb at the impatient-looking white pegasus.

With a shake of her head and a sudden laugh, the mare stepped in between Rarity and Fluttershy, who laughed along with her.

"Would you mind if perhaps I joined in?" a soft, crooning voice spoke from just behind him.

They all turned to see the princess, sitting demurely just outside the circle, an uncharacteristically unsure smile on her face.

"P-Princess!" Twilight exclaimed as the others gaped.

Before the unicorn could say anything else, Shawn reached out and hooked his injured arm over the princess' neck. "Come on, ya old goat, get in here!"

The others gaped in abject horror, but the princess only laughed and let him pull her into the spot between him and Twilight, who looked up at her teacher and broke out into a wide smile.

"I'm really glad you're okay, Prince-"

"Twily..." Celestia interrupted Twilight with an admonishing look. "Could you please call me what you used to? I would like very much to not be a princess... just for today."

The princess' protégé blushed, then laughed, "Sorry... Tia..."

"So..." Shawn spoke past his own grin as he saw Celestia smiling happily at her student. "Is it just me, or could anyone else go for some pancakes right about now?"

As a matter of fact, they could.


End file.
